Random thoughts

[blanketyblk]

Toooomorrow, tomorrow, find out if I have cancer tomorrow, you're only a day awayyyyy

got everything crossed that you will be ok!!!

big big hugs!

 

[Morphinekiss]

Just lost my last friend. I've decided to not wait for my parents to die before I ctb. They could live another 40 years and I refuse to be miserable and alone until I'm in my 70s. My sister can take care of them anyway. I don't know when, but I need to get serious about finding a method I suppose.

 

[blanketyblk]

 

[Morphinekiss]

It's not cancer. Why am I pissed off?

 

[alexithymia]

It's not cancer. Why am I pissed off?

I may be projecting here, but I believe a lot of people who are suicidal wouldn't mind having terminal illnesses (whether it be cancer, AIDS, what have you). It's passive suicide. Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you don't have cancer but sorry to hear you're pissed off about it. Ah, life.

 

[Morphinekiss]

I may be projecting here, but I believe a lot of people who are suicidal wouldn't mind having terminal illnesses (whether it be cancer, AIDS, what have you). It's passive suicide. Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you don't have cancer but sorry to hear you're pissed off about it. Ah, life.

This is true. I had decided that if it was cancer (the doctor is shocked it isn't) I would refuse treatment and pass when it was my time. It would have been a touch less harsh for parents than my plan of traveling and hanging myself in a forest.

 

[Kuolema]

I may be projecting here, but I believe a lot of people who are suicidal wouldn't mind having terminal illnesses (whether it be cancer, AIDS, what have you). It's passive suicide. Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you don't have cancer but sorry to hear you're pissed off about it. Ah, life.

I don't know if it's disrespectful to people with cancer/aids etc etc to say this. I know it'd be easier than ctbing but the level of pain you go through doesn't make it worth it.

 

[RM5998]

I keep waiting for something or someone to give me a 'legitimate' reason to die, even though I know how toxic that whole idea is. I hate being trapped by people I can't break ties with, either physically or mentally.

Also, I've somehow gotten used to selecting text to make brackets/quotes around it. Shows how much my work has consumed my life. At least I don't spend all of the day hating myself, only most of it. There's other things to hate now.

 

[woxihuanni]

Since the only way we truly take control is when we die, it is no fucking wonder that all woo is built to take that away. It's not just the system wanting to keep us alive for taxes or something. Suicide is the only true 'sin'. Nobody has such contempt for murderers as for quitters, because you are still playing life's game if you murder.

 

[throwaway123]

I saw this homeless looking guy today. You could tell from far that he "failed" life. He was playing with the pigeon and reminded me of me because I sometimes watch the pigeons too. I saw a broken man today. He wasn't just broken on the inside but also on the outside. There are millions of people like that all around the world. Because he reminded me of myself it scared me. I know I am broken on the inside and it's just a matter of time until I break on the outside as well. I don't want to become like that. At the same time it just makes me incredibly sad to know this is what life is like on earth. A wasteland full of billions of people living just like that in complete misery. What kind of fucked up world is it that we live in?
In that moment two question pop into my mind..1) Do I really want to live in a world like this? 2) If I decide to live here, do I adapt or do I stay the same and become a failure? I really don't want to live as an failure and I'm not sure if I want to adapt and become someone else to live in a cruel world like this.

The worst thing is people who have good intentions just get shit on in this world. Only the bad people succeed and that's cruel but real life. I had good intentions, I always tried to do the right thing and I lost everything including myself.
If I continue like this I'm going to lose...and honestly what is there to gain in that? There is no magical afterlife where everyone is going to cherish you because in real life only the bad people get cherished...that makes me even more sad. There really is no reason to be altruistic because if you do that it's worse than suicide, it's a slow painful death over years, decades of misery.
If I change, I'm gonne become just like all the other normies...and I'm not sure if that's worse or better...
If I die then I'm going into the unknown and I based one the years of indoctrination I am afraid of death and what happens after. Maybe I just need to overcome my fear, I just wish I knew how.

 

[woxihuanni]

I saw this homeless looking guy today. You could tell from far that he "failed" life. He was playing with the pigeon and reminded me of me because I sometimes watch the pigeons too. I saw a broken man today. He wasn't just broken on the inside but also on the outside. There are millions of people like that all around the world. Because he reminded me of myself it scared me. I know I am broken on the inside and it's just a matter of time until I break on the outside as well. I don't want to become like that. At the same time it just makes me incredibly sad to know this is what life is like on earth. A wasteland full of billions of people living just like that in complete misery. What kind of fucked up world is it that we live in?
In that moment two question pop into my mind..1) Do I really want to live in a world like this? 2) If I decide to live here, do I adapt or do I stay the same and become a failure? I really don't want to live as an failure and I'm not sure if I want to adapt and become someone else to live in a cruel world like this.

The worst thing is people who have good intentions just get shit on in this world. Only the bad people succeed and that's cruel but real life. I had good intentions, I always tried to do the right thing and I lost everything including myself.
If I continue like this I'm going to lose...and honestly what is there to gain in that? There is no magical afterlife where everyone is going to cherish you because in real life only the bad people get cherished...that makes me even more sad. There really is no reason to be altruistic because if you do that it's worse than suicide, it's a slow painful death over years, decades of misery.
If I change, I'm gonne become just like all the other normies...and I'm not sure if that's worse or better...
If I die then I'm going into the unknown and I based one the years of indoctrination I am afraid of death and what happens after. Maybe I just need to overcome my fear, I just wish I knew how.

Why do you think you need to become 'bad' to avoid such a fate? This is a giant generalisation, that anybody who holds down a job, avoids homelessness and has anything good is necessarily 'bad'. There is also no reason to think that a homeless guy is 'good' just because he's homeless.

If people in misery has a problem with their misery, they should press for better rights including the right to exit and refrain from breeding when homeless. However, the most fucked up, the poorest groups are also the most religious, the most anti-choice and the most broody. There are countries in this world where women protest against women's rights, where gay artists support religious dictators, where majority of working class would rather cut their hands off than vote for a left-wing party. It is the few intelligent, sensitive and born in the wrong place that suffer. But the billions in misery are welcome to their misery if they insist on keeping it.

 

[throwaway123]

Why do you think you need to become 'bad' to avoid such a fate? This is a giant generalisation, that anybody who holds down a job, avoids homelessness and has anything good is necessarily 'bad'. There is also no reason to think that a homeless guy is 'good' just because he's homeless.

If people in misery has a problem with their misery, they should press for better rights including the right to exit and refrain from breeding when homeless. However, the most fucked up, the poorest groups are also the most religious, the most anti-choice and the most broody. There are countries in this world where women protest against women's rights, where gay artists support religious dictators, where majority of working class would rather cut their hands off than vote for a left-wing party. It is the few intelligent, sensitive and born in the wrong place that suffer. But the billions in misery are welcome to their misery if they insist on keeping it.

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

It's not so easy man. I didn't generalize anything, it was just an analogy.
If you work hard as a dishwasher you won't become a millionaire you'll get replaced by a machine.

 

[woxihuanni]

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

It's a false dilemma. Plenty of good people who do what they can for themselves and others and live on, no need to put them down.

 

[irrelevant_string]

So I had this data structures exam a week ago.
I walked out of that door more proud than ever, with a smile on my face that would have easily turned into a grin had I not been concerned about other people seeing me in that bewitched state. I was certain that the professor would read my code with delight radiating from his face and be stunned by my intellect, absolutely enamoured of my algorithm design techniques, completely enthralled by the elegance of my programs where optimization wasn't even expected and I still beautifully optimized every single algorithm.

Now back to reality, the results are here: 23/35 points.
Well that just came as a slap on the face that threw me into an existential crisis of extraordinary proportions.

What I do know is that you , sir professor, shall be haunted by my ghost when I depart from this world.

 

[RM5998]

So I had this data structures exam a week ago.
I walked out of that door more proud than ever, with a smile on my face that would have easily turned into a grin had I not been concerned about other people seeing me in that bewitched state. I was certain that the professor would read my code with delight radiating from his face and be stunned by my intellect, absolutely enamoured of my algorithm design techniques, completely enthralled by the elegance of my programs where optimization wasn't even expected and I still beautifully optimized every single algorithm.

Now back to reality, the results are here: 23/35 points.
Well that just came as a slap on the face that threw me into an existential crisis of extraordinary proportions.

What I do know is that you , sir professor, shall be haunted by my ghost when I depart from this world.

Well, that happened on the half of my DSA paper that I managed to complete in the assigned time. Hell, the same thing happened in algorithms. Turns out, I'm good at finding the right answer in twice the normal time. The random mark reduction really bothered me too. I mean, I barely managed to finish half the paper, can you at least help me by giving me marks for what I managed to do?

 

[alexithymia]

I don't know if it's disrespectful to people with cancer/aids etc etc to say this. I know it'd be easier than ctbing but the level of pain you go through doesn't make it worth it.

I could see how what I said comes off as disrespectful. I should've been a little more sensitive. I apologize.

 

[irrelevant_string]

Well, that happened on the half of my DSA paper that I managed to complete in the assigned time. Hell, the same thing happened in algorithms. Turns out, I'm good at finding the right answer in twice the normal time. The random mark reduction really bothered me too. I mean, I barely managed to finish half the paper, can you at least help me by giving me marks for what I managed to do?

But the problem is, this professor is someone who writes brute-force algorithms and never even gives thought to optimization. How he got the job is beyond me. But then again... I live in an under developed country so it shouldn't be a surprise.

And then I write a program in linear complexity that he would have written in quadratic or worse and this happens... I don't know what to think... maybe I messsed up somewhere but I tested all the algorithms and they seemed to work. But... what if I did mess up... It's possible.
My brain is torturing me right now.

 

[Kuolema]

I could see how what I said comes off as disrespectful. I should've been a little more sensitive. I apologize.

It's all good. Everybody makes mistakes.

 

[RM5998]

But the problem is, this professor is someone who writes brute-force algorithms and never even gives thought to optimization. How he got the job is beyond me. But then again... I live in an under developed country so it shouldn't be a surprise.

And then I write a program in linear complexity that he would have written in quadratic or worse and this happens... I don't know what to think... maybe I messsed up somewhere but I tested all the algorithms and they seemed to work. But... what if I did mess up... It's possible.
My brain is torturing me right now.

I can understand that... it happened in my algorithms paper, where I wrote a DP algorithm of a completely different kind than the one everyone else did, and got nothing for that. It's the only question I've explicitly gotten wrong in all my papers in the past 2 years (the rest of the missing marks I didn't even manage to get to). I kept thinking about it for days, but couldn't summon the energy to go to the professor and ask why I wasn't given marks for that answer.

Hey, from what I've seen of the startup industry, most people have no idea what they're doing. So I guess I'm set, if I ever decide to give life a shot.

Also, you don't need to sweat it either. You can demonstrate your knowledge in an interview, and that's pretty much all that counts.

 

[irrelevant_string]

I kept thinking about it for days, but couldn't summon the energy to go to the professor and ask why I wasn't given marks for that answer.

I'm thinking about that too, but I don't even know what to say when I get there, I'm afraid I'd just embarass myself like I usually do when I have to talk to people...
And this was just a part of the written exam that an assistant professor grades and the non-written-whatever-it-is-called exam is in two days and I thought I could explain my algorithm there but I'm not even sure whether I should show up at all because I don't know anything about hashing yet.

the rest of the missing marks I didn't even manage to get to

Is that what you meant here? You didn't show up on the exams?

 

[RM5998]

Is that what you meant here? You didn't show up on the exams?

Well, I missed the minor ones scattered through the semester. The major ones (mid and end semester), I managed to finish somewhere around 50-100%, depending upon how easy the paper was.

 

[irrelevant_string]

Well, I missed the minor ones scattered through the semester. The major ones (mid and end semester), I managed to finish somewhere around 50-100%, depending upon how easy the paper was.

Oh... well here I can do most of the exams when I decide to(not precisely when I decide to, but there are a few options) and I usually wait as long as I can until I feel confident enough that I would get the best grade(10). I'm not sure how education system works in other countries.

Also, you don't need to sweat it either. You can demonstrate your knowledge in an interview, and that's pretty much all that counts.

Yeah, I guess. It's just that it isn't just about demonstration... I'm not sure how competent I am anymore. Maybe I'm just ignorant enough that I can't even see where I'm making mistakes.

 

[RM5998]

Oh... well here I can do most of the exams when I decide to(not precisely when I decide to, but there are a few options) and I usually wait as long as I can until I feel confident enough that I would get the best grade(10). I'm not sure how education system works in other countries.

I'd love that kind of thing. If I could set when I took a paper, I would actually have decent grades. Here, you are told when you are supposed to have a test, and you show up to give it. That's pretty much all. And I'm not good at establishing rapport with professors, so I can't really get by that way. And since I don't have good grades in my current courses, I can't take project courses, which are essentially guaranteed As (10s), and the cycle continues...

 

[irrelevant_string]

I'd love that kind of thing. If I could set when I took a paper, I would actually have decent grades. Here, you are told when you are supposed to have a test, and you show up to give it. That's pretty much all. And I'm not good at establishing rapport with professors, so I can't really get by that way. And since I don't have good grades in my current courses, I can't take project courses, which are essentially guaranteed As (10s), and the cycle continues...

Ugh if I were under that kind of pressure I probably would have dropped out by now. I don't function well when given strict deadlines because I feel the need to exhaust as much literature as I can come by before feeling ready and that takes a looot of time.
I'm pretty sure that professors are biased to give better marks to students who attend lectures and I'm usually not one of them. But I might just be trying to come up with excuses for my poor performance on this exam, so who knows.

And you're still an undergraduate? That takes 3 years here and the master's degree another 2 years. I don't know if I'll go for the master's degree at all though, but only there would I learn about things that attracted me to this field in the first place.

 

[RM5998]

Ugh if I were under that kind of pressure I probably would have dropped out by now. I don't function well when given strict deadlines because I feel the need to exhaust as much literature as I can come by before feeling ready and that takes a looot of time.
I'm pretty sure that professors are biased to give better marks to students who attend lectures and I'm usually not one of them. But I might just be trying to come up with excuses for my poor performance on this exam, so who knows.

And you're still an undergraduate? That takes 3 years here and the master's degree another 2 years. I don't know if I'll go for the master's degree at all though, but only there would I learn about things that attracted me to this field in the first place.

Yep, I'm still an undergrad. I'm in my 4th year, which is mostly spent interning, chilling and finishing off elective course requirements for graduation. I don't think I'll go for a masters either, mostly because I don't think could stand CS being this disappointing for two more years - which can happen even at good universities, if my experience is anything to go by. I'm interested in a bunch of aspects of CS, but in the event I manage to not die, I'd prefer entering a game dev company. And if not that, a data science company. I think I can handle those 2.

 

[irrelevant_string]

Yep, I'm still an undergrad. I'm in my 4th year, which is mostly spent interning, chilling and finishing off elective course requirements for graduation. I don't think I'll go for a masters either, mostly because I don't think could stand CS being this disappointing for two more years - which can happen even at good universities, if my experience is anything to go by. I'm interested in a bunch of aspects of CS, but in the event I manage to not die, I'd prefer entering a game dev company. And if not that, a data science company. I think I can handle those 2.

Good thing that you have realistic expectations.
In the event I manage not to die, I had hoped that I'd study machine learning. Game development would probably be nice too.
But who am I kidding, I keep disappointing myself with everything I try to do.
Delusions. That's what they've been all this time.

Alright, I'm done whining, sorry.

 

[262653]

Anyone else gets strange thought conglomerations in the waking up hours (usually mornings)? Personal relationships (or interpersonal?) are like partnerships between two firms. Have you noticed that people in relationships are more likely to refer to each other as partners and not relatives? If the firm is flourishing or has great visible potential, then other firms are more likely to show interest in merging. And no one usually wants to team up with unprofitable firms.

In a similar vein, trying to find a partnership when you have nothing valuable to offer is like visiting a shop on empty pockets. What we sometimes do when we really want something but cannot or unwilling to afford it? Resort to less conventional ways, like deception or seize by force.

Imagine you're a hulk visiting local grocery shop, and you take what you want without payment, and the guardsman is like: "Taking the merchandise without paying for it is strictly prohibited..." (Or whatever bullshit he's bound to spew.)
Hulk: *smash*. (Or just walks away really.)
Such transgression might have long-term consequences for our mighty mutant, but for now he takes what he pleases.
And of course, sometimes you don't have to wield hulkish strength to get what's reserved for you by the law of power. (I was attending to a law college for almost three years so I know what I'm talking about.)

I wonder, if women were physically stronger than men on average, would there be more rapes by women than by men?

 

[irrelevant_string]

Alright, so I finally mustered courage to send him an email this morning and he told me that I gave him only two solutions and the first one was missing(god damn flash drives and stone age technology...), but the ones that got to him are good and I got a fair amount of compliments.
He now checked the computer where I was sitting and managed to find what was missing and will correct my marks when he gets to check the correctness of that one algorithm.

Anyway, just wanted to let the world know. And I now feel bad for speaking so poorly of him, because he didn't have to go there and search for the missing piece...

 

[throwaway123]

Why am I so fucked up? There are so many things wrong with me, not just psychological but also physically. Most of my physical issues cause my mental problems.
I used to ask myself why I need to suffer so much. What did I do to deserve this. I can't even have a normal life...I will never be able to have that because doctors in part ruined my life. Their greed and the cooperations greed which we call hospitals nowadays. Yes, hospitals are cooperations if you bother to look that up, in my country. Probably a handful of people that destroyed my life and they just get away with it.

 

[thatguyakira123]

I actually visited the Mental Institution yesterday. Due to events I am not proud of, my mom got to know about my mental illness and I had to go. Luckily I was able to keep them from admitting me or giving me drugs. Got them to get a government appointed psycologist to talk to so I won't have to pay to him/her. Not that it'll make a difference.

What I loved though is that they Psychiatrist was actually understanding and not codecending. Which is weird cuz the one I went to before was very condicending and I find it ironic that our local mental institution, the same place where they treat people bad, had a good phychiatrist. She's probably new.