I saw my therapist today for the first time in a long time. He asked if I've been getting out with friends, dating, etc. I just shook my head no and he responded with "you're a very lonely person aren't you?"
No shit Sherlock.
No shit Sherlock.
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Manaaja
euROPE
- Sep 10, 2018
- 1,382
One of the only things (aside from the fear of death) that has prevented me from ctbing, is my dream of having an art career. That dream is pretty much broken to a million piece now. It's really discouraging to work anywhere from 5 to 10 hours on a piece, only to see it receive 0 likes and retweets. Then I post the same pic on other art sites and while it does get attention there, it's only a few likes.
Meanwhile there's this really bad but very popular artist who draws really shitty fan art and still gets 500 likes and retweets. I always see her trash art everywhere. I'm 100% convinced that she wouldn't get even tenth of that if she wasn't a young pretty girl who is always reminding others that she is in fact a young pretty girl. (Then she complains about all the young men who message her telling her that she is beautiful and that they'd like to date her lol! Maybe if her only worth wasn't being a young pretty girl she would get job offers instead of date offers.) Really, I drew better art when I was 15. Her drawings are so simple and bad, none of them could have taken more than 15 minutes. And they all look as if she traced the official art badly, slapped a few colors, and called it a day.
Then if I complain that my art doesn't get any or much likes, I trigger a lot of princesses and get so much hate on my neck for daring to be negative. I hate the fucking art community these days, full of Tumblrinas who police what is correct to feel and say. "We must help each other! Make friends not enemies! People don't like negativity! Negativity hurts you and your art!". Then those fucking snowflake princesses go and only retweet art that already has at least 50 retweets and only follow artists who already have at least 500 followers. "We must help small artists!" they claim as they post those fucking stupid pathetic "Let's help fellow artists get more followers! Please share your art and retweet!" threads. I see at least 5 of those threads every week, and they are all really popular. Funny thing, though, that no matter how much I share my art on them and follow those shitty young artists, they never follow back. Just a few days ago, I followed 50 artist (most of whom were shit) who all had less than 500 followers. Guess who were the only ones who followed me back? The two PROFESSIONAL and older male artists! Hahaha...haha.
I see lots of shitty fetish and porn art get easily anywhere from 100 to 500 likes as well. There's this guy who always posts the same shitty pic everyday, just changes the hair color or length or something small, and still every pic of his gets over 100 likes. And people fucking PAY him to do it. He makes money with a Patreon. Plus he takes commissions and people actually commission him to change the hair color or some shit. Unbelievable.
But I really want the money, I want the popularity. I want to post an artwork and get lots of likes and attention. I want to get rewarded for working so hard on my art, and sacrificing time and money to learn and get better. I want to feel like I'm good at something, I want to feel liked. My whole life I've been ignored and belittled. It's only natural and justified that I want to feel like I'm worth something. Maybe I should do the same things as those guys do. Throw my dignity and skills out of the window and draw whatever sells. Maybe even draw a pic of a young pretty woman and use it as my avatar to draw in all the girls (who often follow people based on their looks and gender and not their skills) and boys who follow everything that looks female.
Meanwhile there's this really bad but very popular artist who draws really shitty fan art and still gets 500 likes and retweets. I always see her trash art everywhere. I'm 100% convinced that she wouldn't get even tenth of that if she wasn't a young pretty girl who is always reminding others that she is in fact a young pretty girl. (Then she complains about all the young men who message her telling her that she is beautiful and that they'd like to date her lol! Maybe if her only worth wasn't being a young pretty girl she would get job offers instead of date offers.) Really, I drew better art when I was 15. Her drawings are so simple and bad, none of them could have taken more than 15 minutes. And they all look as if she traced the official art badly, slapped a few colors, and called it a day.
Then if I complain that my art doesn't get any or much likes, I trigger a lot of princesses and get so much hate on my neck for daring to be negative. I hate the fucking art community these days, full of Tumblrinas who police what is correct to feel and say. "We must help each other! Make friends not enemies! People don't like negativity! Negativity hurts you and your art!". Then those fucking snowflake princesses go and only retweet art that already has at least 50 retweets and only follow artists who already have at least 500 followers. "We must help small artists!" they claim as they post those fucking stupid pathetic "Let's help fellow artists get more followers! Please share your art and retweet!" threads. I see at least 5 of those threads every week, and they are all really popular. Funny thing, though, that no matter how much I share my art on them and follow those shitty young artists, they never follow back. Just a few days ago, I followed 50 artist (most of whom were shit) who all had less than 500 followers. Guess who were the only ones who followed me back? The two PROFESSIONAL and older male artists! Hahaha...haha.
I see lots of shitty fetish and porn art get easily anywhere from 100 to 500 likes as well. There's this guy who always posts the same shitty pic everyday, just changes the hair color or length or something small, and still every pic of his gets over 100 likes. And people fucking PAY him to do it. He makes money with a Patreon. Plus he takes commissions and people actually commission him to change the hair color or some shit. Unbelievable.
But I really want the money, I want the popularity. I want to post an artwork and get lots of likes and attention. I want to get rewarded for working so hard on my art, and sacrificing time and money to learn and get better. I want to feel like I'm good at something, I want to feel liked. My whole life I've been ignored and belittled. It's only natural and justified that I want to feel like I'm worth something. Maybe I should do the same things as those guys do. Throw my dignity and skills out of the window and draw whatever sells. Maybe even draw a pic of a young pretty woman and use it as my avatar to draw in all the girls (who often follow people based on their looks and gender and not their skills) and boys who follow everything that looks female.
Aaron
Member
- Jul 2, 2018
- 63
15dec
ember in the dark
- Dec 7, 2018
- 1,550
It's been such a long time since I posted here but damn am I lonely.
I guess I don't have many close friends and it's getting to me. One of them just moved to the other side of the country for uni and honestly I'm scared he'll just forget about me. My other two close friends are dating so I'm just kind of left out.
I just feel so damn hopeless. I was trying to find a point to everything but I just can't.
I guess I don't have many close friends and it's getting to me. One of them just moved to the other side of the country for uni and honestly I'm scared he'll just forget about me. My other two close friends are dating so I'm just kind of left out.
I just feel so damn hopeless. I was trying to find a point to everything but I just can't.
Stan
Factoid Hunter
- Aug 29, 2019
- 2,589
Get yourself doing something. Volunteering is great and you can meet loads of new people.
throwaway123
Hell0
- Aug 5, 2018
- 1,446
Today I found out that the person I fell in love with has changed. How quickly people change....man it goes so fast I didn't even notice and it took me a long time to accept it. I guess you could say that person no longer exists.
I also realized how common workplace and school bullying is. I didn't think it was that common but it's everywhere. Just another sign of the downfall of modern civilization. If you stand up for yourself it can quickly escalate, what I found the best thing to do is avoidance and not giving them the attention they want.
I also realized how common workplace and school bullying is. I didn't think it was that common but it's everywhere. Just another sign of the downfall of modern civilization. If you stand up for yourself it can quickly escalate, what I found the best thing to do is avoidance and not giving them the attention they want.
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throwaway123
Hell0
- Aug 5, 2018
- 1,446
I just noticed something. You always get eaten by someone bigger than you. Bullies attack the weak. Yet there seems to be a kind of hierarchy among them. There always is. Whether it is work or school or life, it is always the same. The same cycle all over again, the same bullshit, the same rat race....
Bankers bully cooperations,cooperations bully governments,governments bully people ,boss bully their workers,workers bully other workers, workers bully their kids,kids bully other kids, kids can't take it anymore and shoot them, adults quit job and cant find other jobs. Cycle repeats with a new generation.
But there is someone at the top. There always is. One thing is left out. Existence itself. Death always wins. To exist is to suffer. This is what antinatalism is about but EFILism takes it a step further.
They say nice guys finish last, but that's because we're not running the rat race. After all, who wants to compete with a rat? Better to just exit the rat race by not playing it. Sometimes the only winning move is not to play. Fuck life. Life is a scam. You can never win no matter how big you are you'll always get eaten by someone bigger than you.
I wish I had the guts to end this nightmare. Why do people chose to live?
Someday, I'll get my salvation. If it wasn't so hard to get a proper peaceful method I'd be gone already.Not to mention the social stigma around ending your life. I hope they legalize euthanasia in the future but I guess it would be too popular then and the government wouldn't get their taxes.
They want us to work to death.
There is no reason to be here in this world any longer. It is senseless suffering. No higher meaning, no higher purpose. People can delude themselves into thinking otherwise but I won't deny the truth.
Bankers bully cooperations,cooperations bully governments,governments bully people ,boss bully their workers,workers bully other workers, workers bully their kids,kids bully other kids, kids can't take it anymore and shoot them, adults quit job and cant find other jobs. Cycle repeats with a new generation.
But there is someone at the top. There always is. One thing is left out. Existence itself. Death always wins. To exist is to suffer. This is what antinatalism is about but EFILism takes it a step further.
They say nice guys finish last, but that's because we're not running the rat race. After all, who wants to compete with a rat? Better to just exit the rat race by not playing it. Sometimes the only winning move is not to play. Fuck life. Life is a scam. You can never win no matter how big you are you'll always get eaten by someone bigger than you.
I wish I had the guts to end this nightmare. Why do people chose to live?
Someday, I'll get my salvation. If it wasn't so hard to get a proper peaceful method I'd be gone already.Not to mention the social stigma around ending your life. I hope they legalize euthanasia in the future but I guess it would be too popular then and the government wouldn't get their taxes.
They want us to work to death.
There is no reason to be here in this world any longer. It is senseless suffering. No higher meaning, no higher purpose. People can delude themselves into thinking otherwise but I won't deny the truth.
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I wish I always drunk, fuck me, everything I do is utterly pretentious. It's still there when I'm drunk, but at least it's less
I won't kill myself, fuck me, I want to die
I won't kill myself, fuck me, I want to die
Want to ctb and don't wanna ctb at the same time.
mk47
Member
- Sep 29, 2019
- 78
mk47
Member
- Sep 29, 2019
- 78
Sweet emotion
Enlightened
- Sep 14, 2019
- 1,325
Idk why but when I was a teenager I always had this feeling that I was not going to live a normal life. That I was never going to get married or know what love was. It turns out I was right. At 20 years old I developed a condition called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. My life ended there. I'm 34 now and don't want to live one more year like this. I don't know if I'm going to see the new year. Strange isn't it how that thought would pop into my mind from time to time.
You can go see a therapist and talk about it and they will help you get to the root of what you're looking for.
I truly hope you have good results. Please let us know, but only if you want to.
I know this may sound crazy but sometimes I wish I'd get cancer so I wouldn't have to kill myself. Myabe that's the reason why you're angry? I would just refuse treatment and die in my home. I already have a horrible disease which in my opinion is worse than cancer because there are no treatments or cures so there is no hope. It's called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. So if I got cancer I'd just let it kill me after dealing with this for 14 years.
I know what you mean. We want to live but we just don't want to live the way we are living right now. Some of us have physical pain, some mental, some emotional, some all. I have a condition called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. There are no treatments and no cure. I've had it for 14 years. I don't want to die but I can't live the rest of my life like this. I'm not even living. I'm existing.
You can always talk to me. I'll be here until I'm not if you know what I mean. But idk if that would upset you even more...to have a friend and then have her die.
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Sweet emotion
Enlightened
- Sep 14, 2019
- 1,325
I know you want to escape reality but when someone is doing drugs illegally and they overdose on them, it's reported to the FDA and the CDC and then they put pressure on doctors to take pain medication away from the people that truly need it. I am one of those people. I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. The doctors have lowered my medication drastically because of drug addicts who have overdosed. They're doing it to everyone and people are killing themselves because they need these medications just to be able to get out of bed and walk around. We are being punished because people are buying drugs off the street and overdosing. Please just think about that. Can't you go to your doctor or a psychiatrist and tell them how anxious you are and maybe they will give you Xanax the legal way?
Hey. I understand exactly what you mean. I have mental issues due to my physical issues. I have a condition called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. Doctors have hurt me very badly. They've made me want to die. And they get away with it. My friend who had what I have killed herself three years ago at 31 because a doctor cut a nerve in her hip and it caused her tons of painful problems. She could barely walk and it gave her trigeminal neuralgia. My doctor who diagnosed me with this condition performed the jaw surgeries on me. I asked him if this was going to make my condition worse because I never would have done it and he said no. Now I'm in more pain than I've ever thought possible. I suffer severe depression and severe anxiety. A surgeon who operated on another part of me destroyed that area as well. Doctors can be pompous, arrogant, and smug and they never have to pay for what they've done to anyone. When you sign that form to let them operate it's like you're giving them permission to do whatever they want. I don't know how they can live when they know they've hurt someone so badly. The doctor that made my friend commit suicide is still operating on people! They are just untouchable! My pain management doctor blackmailed me and out me in a lot of pain.
You didn't do anything to cause your suffering. Neither did I. Don't forget that. I don't remember what it's like to be normal. I don't remember what it's like to get up and not be in pain. I don't re!ember the last time I smiled or was happy.
Can I ask what your method is?
That is a minor issue and you can talk to a therapist about it. For you to end your life over that....it would break my heart.
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Sweet emotion
Enlightened
- Sep 14, 2019
- 1,325
Food is the best thing in this world. I'm Italian American and my Nonna made the best food ever. There was always something out on the table when I went over and lucky for me we lived in the same building haha. Yes food can be orgasmic!!!
Is there anyone else you can get to walk your dog?
Is there anyone else you can get to walk your dog?
Google it
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If using drugs ilegally is the only way I have to manage my major depression then I will gladly do so and you are nobody to tell me I shouldnt do it, downplayign my suffering and heightening yours, as if there would be any difference if I got the drugs for yourself. And Im not a drug addict, or intend to abuse it at all. Nice assumption there, lmao.
I dont like selfish people so have this ignore and farewell.
Sweet emotion
Enlightened
- Sep 14, 2019
- 1,325
Do you work?
I never thought about that. Yes that would be a great way to go.
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suffering
Too p*ssy to end it, too suicidal to leave
- Aug 17, 2018
- 398
I'm left completely alone, and it's my own fault. My only friend, who was an online friend, stopped talking to me after I told her that I'm going to ctb soon. She tried to talk me out of it, but I told her that I'm determined. I just wanted to be honest with her, but I understand if she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. No one wants a friend who is going to kill herself. Now I just feel so lonely, I can't talk to anyone about my feelings.
I feel such a failure. I could never really connect with people, not even on the Internet. My death won't affect many people, as no one really even knew me. They will just think of me as a distant and cold person. Of course this won't matter after I die, I just have so many regrets as I look back on my short life. Not opening up more to people is one of my biggest regrets.
I feel such a failure. I could never really connect with people, not even on the Internet. My death won't affect many people, as no one really even knew me. They will just think of me as a distant and cold person. Of course this won't matter after I die, I just have so many regrets as I look back on my short life. Not opening up more to people is one of my biggest regrets.
Sweet emotion
Enlightened
- Sep 14, 2019
- 1,325
I'm so glad to hear you say that! Sometimes life is as only exiting as you make it. I'm 34 but my life stopped at 20 due to a painful illness. You do what makes you happy in life and screw everything else.
I've never experienced love before. My life stopped at 20 due to complex regional pain syndrome so I would like to see what mutual love feels like. If you had a bad experience I can understand that but I'd love to know what love feels like.
They're 40-80 bucks I think
Life doesn't suck. Life can be really beautiful. Yes our lives suck now but mine didn't always suck. If you're lucky in this world you can have a really wonderful life. But we weren't lucky.
You don't have health insurance?
No I don't think cats think like that
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Painpleasure
Student
- Apr 9, 2019
- 108
What I like most about life me personally is that death is a great equaliser. All men end up in the same state eventually regardless of financial status, aesthetics, health, creed or color.
blanketyblk
Mage
- Jun 9, 2019
- 574
Made a list tonight, of the pros and cons of staying or going.. the going list had more items and felt more real. while i would like to think my new job opportunity could be worth while sticking around for. i think I'm just to over everything to try any more. too alone. too hurt and just too broken. so my count down is now underway. have a month and around 15 days.
my Cat has been re-homed today. gone to a lovely lovely lady. who lost her husband a few months back and said she is going to spoil my little cat rotten. so she will love it.. i am allowed to go visit her once a week for the next few weeks to make sure she is settling down.
All paper work is done. looks like 1 house is now officially sold. the second house is under contract and got 20 days to go.. the flat had an offer put on it a few days ago. so looks like my plan of getting rid of these assets first might actually happen. which mean in about 20 days. i pack everything up and put it into storage. no point in organizing a rental property or anything like that. will be sleeping in my car until CTB date.
edit : I also won't do a goodbye thread. i will simply just vanish. as i don't real think i exist anymore anyway. at least not 100%.
my Cat has been re-homed today. gone to a lovely lovely lady. who lost her husband a few months back and said she is going to spoil my little cat rotten. so she will love it.. i am allowed to go visit her once a week for the next few weeks to make sure she is settling down.
All paper work is done. looks like 1 house is now officially sold. the second house is under contract and got 20 days to go.. the flat had an offer put on it a few days ago. so looks like my plan of getting rid of these assets first might actually happen. which mean in about 20 days. i pack everything up and put it into storage. no point in organizing a rental property or anything like that. will be sleeping in my car until CTB date.
edit : I also won't do a goodbye thread. i will simply just vanish. as i don't real think i exist anymore anyway. at least not 100%.
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When I first arrived here, I thought CTB stood for Closing The Blinds. I think I still find that more fitting because that's what it feels like. One day I will close the blinds, shutting the rest of the world out, and lay down for one final sleep.
If you don't tell me goodbye I'm pulling out a spirit board and waking your ghost ass up.
Manaaja
euROPE
- Sep 10, 2018
- 1,382
Oh yeah! I went to gog and saw some old game feature nude humans uncensored in the background. And the store page had no stupid warnings or something complaining about nudity. If it was a modern game it would instantly get 18 only and probably be banned from many places. One thing better in the 90s was that nudity wasn't censored. Seeing the naked people who were captured by demons in Diablo 1 was so cool. That's one of the many reasons why Diablo 1 is a better game than 3.
Even when I want to keep food down my body is just like "lol fuck you, pukes"
Could have something to do with all the benzos and cough syrup I've consumed in the last two days.
Could have something to do with all the benzos and cough syrup I've consumed in the last two days.
blanketyblk
Mage
- Jun 9, 2019
- 574
lol. :-) you might not wanna do that. you don't wanna invite a 6'1 ghost dyke into your house.. we can be very distributive if we want to be ;) and i better start practicing my ghostly sounds
benzo's play havoc with my digestion. if i eat anything to greasy afterwards i end up wearing my food *no, not joking* *shudder*
just on another note. i wanna thank everyone who send me a private message about my previous post.. thank you so much for the kind and lovely message. it is nice to feel welcome on here and that i have at least made some of you laugh.
Hugs
