Random thoughts

[blanketyblk]

I don't want to condone violence, but violence plays an integral role in every interaction.

The extent to which one loses their gentility and succumbs to aggressiveness from abuse, is perfectly correlated with the artistic capacities of the person.

You will find the most creative and artistic people are always the least violent, the most empathetic. True goodness is found most among artists, who give their lives trying to capture the beauty through whatever they may experience.

Aggressive, violent, narcissistic types do not care for invoking beauty, nor do they ever look upon anything else besides themselves with respect. That is why when these people come to wealth, which they often do in capitalism, what they acquire is never with any taste nor sophistication. Only a passive aggressive declaration of their superiority relative to others.

Very well said and from my point of view 100% correct.

 

[RM5998]

I'm sick of having bitchwork hurled at me for the course of an entire month. Just a series of convoluted database joins and filter operations.

 

[Life sucks]

I don't know what the fuck is this burning sensation in my brain and chest causing me being unable to do anything. It hurts very much that I want to ctb and its unbearable right now. I don't know what the fuck is it. This is no life and no death, just a paradoxical existence filled with pain and nothingness. Fuck life and biochemistry. I don't know what to do and how to cool or calm myself.

 

[azucaramargo]

I'm sick of having bitchwork hurled at me for the course of an entire month. Just a series of convoluted database joins and filter operations.

I like your life. I feel like you are going to be famous in the future, and we'll all be able to say we knew you when! The bitchwork shall pass. Don't lose your cool, RM5998.

 

[Kuolema]

I have given up on recovery again. All my positivity is a facade to cover up how much I want to ctb. I think life is mostly suffering for most people and death is nothing but peaceful. I can't lie to myself anymore. I have no desire to change myself. No desire to get better. I just want to die.

 

[Manaaja]

Chickens are born to cross a road. Humans are born to cross a road, get driven over by a truck and suffer eternally.

 

[Painpleasure]

Self deliverance is a great form of self love

 

[Morphinekiss]

I'm so tired of hating this body I live in. I'm so tired of the purging, the counting, the never seeing a difference because I've done so much damage over the last 21 years. I hate being the ugly fat one of all my friends. I like I'm in highschool when I get like this.

 

[blanketyblk]

Opinion | What Lies in Suicide’s Wake (Published 2019)

Along with everything else, I wasn’t prepared for the stigma of becoming a widow this way.

www.nytimes.com

 

[thx1138]

On the outside, my life is totally fine. I have a job and a partner. I graduated from college and got good grades. I live in a nice apartment. But on the inside, my brain is fucking poison. Obsessions, traumas, nightmares every night. I hear voices. I have so much anxiety and pain. I can't sleep. I'm always miserable. I can't be around people. I just want to be left alone. If I could live alone in the woods, maybe I wouldn't be depressed, but that's not possible. I can't stand this charade anymore, I want out. The 3 people who care will blame me and hate me when they find out I ctb'd. I don't want to hurt them. But to stay alive for that reason alone is something I can't do anymore. I am in too much pain. I tried every method to get better, from therapy to religion to food and exercise. Enough is enough.

 

[blanketyblk]

I'm so tired of hating this body I live in. I'm so tired of the purging, the counting, the never seeing a difference because I've done so much damage over the last 21 years. I hate being the ugly fat one of all my friends. I like I'm in highschool when I get like this.

hugs. god i know that pain. I'm doing that too. 1500 cals per day. thats it!. tuna and rice and diet bars and shakes is my life.. grrr :-( /cry only enjoyable thing i put into my mouth recently are my berry favored vitamin gummy bears. and don't even start with highschool girls.. i still bloody cringe when i walk past a pack of them and i'm 40+ frigging years old!.

 

[RM5998]

It feels weird, to not log back in here every day and talk to people who can understand the miasma in my head.

But then again, I've started playing Dota again, so it's probably better for me to remain far away from people. It's time for me to become even more subhuman than I am, better off not being that way before nice people.

 

[NumbItAll]

Just remembering this time in high school where some idiotic inspirational speaker came in and started yelling about how anyone can become a millionaire by flipping houses or some shit.

 

[woxihuanni]

I'm so tired. If I could, I'd delve in myself and find that grain of annoyingness and pull it out. Without it I'm all good.

 

[throwaway123]

These bastards took everything from me. My whole life. All these years. I wish I could kill them and send them to hell. They deserve to suffer for what they did to me all these years. My so called "family". Not to mention "friends".

 

[Futility]

I find that people kiss my ass constantly because they see how talented I am, just to get things out of me, not because they want to be friends.
As soon as they realize I have self respect and not a doormat, I am ghosted.
I think a lot has to do with people mistaking my friendly exterior as someone who's naive and easily manipulated.
I should stop being nice?

 

[Morphinekiss]

Watching snap stories of everyone I consider a friend out at bars, dancing, doing fun shit and it doesn't escape my my mind that not a single person asked if I wanted to go. I haven't been invited out for a social gathering in over a year. I wonder if they'll snapchat selfies of themselves from my funeral.

 

[throwaway123]

I don't even know what to do anymore. If I keep living it's going to be miserable and if I end it it's going to be horrible too. I'm stuck between two evils not knowing which one to chose. Why bother living another couple of decades in misery? For what?
I can't live like this.

 

[burnedCookie]

Death is not enough. I wish I could erase all trace of my existence. I wasn't cut out for life and I've never been anything more than a big disappointment to the people who loved me. Wish I could just press delete.

 

[Futility]

Why is it that anytime I ask a question, whether it be Facebook, YouTube or reddit, it doesn't matter, people have this amazing ability to feel that it's important to tell me "I don't know"
Why even respond? Why give me a notification with a non-answer? Whyyyy!!? Aaaargh!!!

 

[woxihuanni]

I had not been feeling sad for a very long time. Just... determined but frustrated, I suppose. I feel sad now.

Still think it's an extremely bitter joke to put my mind in my body and birth circumstances. Why would anybody do that? Plenty of people in my circumstances manage just fine, because they do not have the capacity for better. Plenty of people with similar capacity manage just fine as well. But the mismatch. I am an abomination, a discrepancy. Not because I'm not worthy. It's just... You know it's like having a fuckload of dollars and trying to shop at the fairy market.

It is also bothering me immensely that everybody gets their poison quickly, even N, but I seem to run into difficulties everywhere. Even when all banking, paypal and otherwise hurdles are surmounted and the stuff is shipped, nothing is here. I feel ashamed because of this for some reason.

I was thinking of what I could say to them about our animal nature and how I'm not after romantics but just some down-to-earth agreement to be mates. And then I imagined they would say 'Yes but you are a fucking wild animal, whose slightest jab takes a hunk of my flesh. I want a cute little kitten whose claws are a pleasure.' I feel I cannot win, if I am strong enough for my circumstances, then there is a harshness to me that is unlovely. One should be allowed a little weakness to be lovely. I will never be lovely.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I really want to get addicted to heroine and cocane so that I can OD. Too bad I don't have a job, a place of my own or the means to get said substances. If only N was otc.

If you get addicted to heroin and cocaine you're going to have a hard time overdosing on it because you're going to build up a tolerance to it. If you just do a big amount for the first time you have a better chance if overdosing.

 

[sadgirl2002]

Being a woman is a curse. I hate it, there have been many times where I wished I was a guy. Not only because I'd have no periods, childbirth and whatnot, but also because I'd be bloody free to go out on my own. I'm living with my uncle and aunt and my uncle is so overprotective, it annoys me. I can't do anything. Plus, I hate these stupid emotions I feel since women are apparently more emotional, I hate feeling more love because it hurts.

Everything would be a easier, no need to put makeup on, dress nicely or any of that crap. I honestly feel like I'm a guy, I hate shopping in real life (I do it online mostly), women who talk too much in real life annoy me and I usually don't talk so much; sometimes I do.. it depends on who I'm speaking to and my mood. I'm sort of not even bothered for anything. I don't do drama or gossip etc. I get angry easily and quickly. I think I even walk like a guy at times. It's weird. I hate being a female, I'd rather be a guy than this shit.

 

[JulienSorel]

Being a woman is a curse. I hate it, there have been many times where I wished I was a guy. Not only because I'd have no periods, childbirth and whatnot, but also because I'd be bloody free to go out on my own. I'm living with my uncle and aunt and my uncle is so overprotective, it annoys me. I can't do anything. Plus, I hate these stupid emotions I feel since women are apparently more emotional, I hate feeling more love because it hurts.

Everything would be a easier, no need to put makeup on, dress nicely or any of that crap. I honestly feel like I'm a guy, I hate shopping in real life (I do it online mostly), women who talk too much in real life annoy me and I usually don't talk so much; sometimes I do.. it depends on who I'm speaking to and my mood. I'm sort of not even bothered for anything. I don't do drama or gossip etc. I get angry easily and quickly. I think I even walk like a guy at times. It's weird. I hate being a female, I'd rather be a guy than this shit.

As a guy, I have no idea how girls do it. It's a beautiful thing to watch nevertheless.

 

[OnlyMercy]

Bound to obey the predictable demands of the Meat Suit and slave to the almighty $.

 

[blanketyblk]

Watching snap stories of everyone I consider a friend out at bars, dancing, doing fun shit and it doesn't escape my my mind that not a single person asked if I wanted to go. I haven't been invited out for a social gathering in over a year. I wonder if they'll snapchat selfies of themselves from my funeral.

hugs, there is nothing worst than being the one left out. it always hurts :-( even after years.of it happening to you, you would think you become numb to the pain. but being a social reject is always hurtful and always cuts deep :-( friends suck some times

Being a woman is a curse. I hate it, there have been many times where I wished I was a guy. Not only because I'd have no periods, childbirth and whatnot, but also because I'd be bloody free to go out on my own. I'm living with my uncle and aunt and my uncle is so overprotective, it annoys me. I can't do anything. Plus, I hate these stupid emotions I feel since women are apparently more emotional, I hate feeling more love because it hurts.

Everything would be a easier, no need to put makeup on, dress nicely or any of that crap. I honestly feel like I'm a guy, I hate shopping in real life (I do it online mostly), women who talk too much in real life annoy me and I usually don't talk so much; sometimes I do.. it depends on who I'm speaking to and my mood. I'm sort of not even bothered for anything. I don't do drama or gossip etc. I get angry easily and quickly. I think I even walk like a guy at times. It's weird. I hate being a female, I'd rather be a guy than this shit.

oh my god yes!. what was the statement in orange is the new black. being born a man is like winning the lottery. no preconceived idea on how to act, dress, speak. walk. interact with people. knowing who to make eye contact with and who to avoid. having to worry about going out at night and being raped/killed. the list is endless. being a women is f-ing hard. and most of the time f-king terrifying




i'm also now middle aged. so i get ignored most of the time I'm out. however if i'm ever wearing a mismatch outfit or my shoes don't match. EVERYONE points it out to me.. grrrr

 

[RM5998]

The people in my office seem to want to dump all the boring work onto me, just because I'm a slightly competent intern. It's frustrating, how everything I do is time-consuming and trivial at the same time. And the somewhat interesting/challenging stuff is always too low a priority to work on.

The good news is, there's only three months of this left. The bad news is, there's three months of this left.

 

[sadgirl2002]

There's this guy who I've crossed paths with many times during my morning walks. I've spoken to him twice and I walked away quickly out of fear and embarassment. I wish he would speak to me so I can finally have a friend. :(

 

[Morphinekiss]

Toooomorrow, tomorrow, find out if I have cancer tomorrow, you're only a day awayyyyy

 

[Futility]

I wonder how many people in law enforcement are members here, not to spy, but the same reasons as the rest of us.