Random thoughts

[azucaramargo]

Some years ago, I was stabbed by someone trying to rob me. I was doing my best to batter the shit.
Suddenly some people nearby started yelling about there being blood everywhere. Next they're shouting that it's me and that I've been stabbed.
For some reason the guy backed off for a few moments and I could see there was indeed quite a bit of blood on the floor. Just as he made another rush at me, I spotted the knife sticking out of my shoulder.
I couldn't feel anything at all and went straight back to trying to gouge out this chaps eyes.
From what I understand, it's something to do with the brain being flooded with adrenaline so the pain receptors don't respond.
Makes you think about how to achieve that painless death. Somehow you just have to stimulate enough adrenaline and you could do pretty much anything.

Jeez! This is incredibly traumatic! So glad you lived to tell.

so lost 20 pounds in the 6 weeks. woohoo. got hit on by a guy on the bus on the way home.. boo :-( and was called weird again.. so yeah. ups and downs.. gah my life....

That's so cool! 20 lbs in 6 weeks?!?!! Good for you!

 

[Donewith_]

Rant

I am feeling lonely..its not feeling of loneliness.. its like worry.. about what i have been doing all this time.. what will i do in days yet to come? Or how will i do
This is difficult..
I don't have too much space
I know..this eventually..
I need to plan something soon..
I feel disgusted with how i am decieving people, how i am leeching them.. while they are working hard despite all the health problems.. this sucks. This is not my only problem tho..but its bothering me a lot.
There is a limit for everything..
And some people in my family think ..i don't care enough for them or i just don't mind them..
I can't figure my own shit.. i am so immersed in my crappy problems.. i can't care for others.. that is true tho..i am not caring for you the way you care for me. I am not ok .
Not ok from many years.. more than a decade .. but i need to figure things out soon.. i wish i was just like you.. that i can speak out my mind.. may be i could be ..but i didnt choose it.
This uncertainty is not nice..its making me worry.
Why can't anyone see what's going on.. and how things are going to blow up.. is it invisible? Or is it love and care towards me?
Thats fogging you from seeing it
I don't deserve this
I deceived you..
Can't forgive myself. What i am doing is brutal..
I never knew how to live my life .. never. I was always confused ,worried or anxious.
Why can't somethings happen soon?
You.. who try your best to make feel like crap, like everything has come to an end.. why can't you help me now? Can have some mercy on me..this is like a maze..
Like a stupid puzzle.. i don't know how to live.. i wish i was never born.
I can survive with less food.. or some not too good clothes. But what bothers me is.. if i am being a burden on my someone, living off others, hurting people. It really gets on my nerves.. i know i am not that good.. but may be its how i was raised when i was younger..they are the thoughts, views of my mother.
It is too much guilt for me... i am hurting others.. hurting badly..and i am so numb of it sometimes.. when they are hurting. I turned into something in all these years.
Its a mistake.. i shouldn't have been born. It was a mistake. I hatemyself..i feel disgusted about this..and i am sure some feel the same if they see it from my point of view..
Whats stopping me
Whats the difference between me now and me before 5 years?

I know how it'll be

 

[woxihuanni]

It's one of those times when I'm just trashing around inside. I envy people whose pride works to their advantage. Mine is all trampled into resentfulness.

 

[kkatt]

Jeez! This is incredibly traumatic! So glad you lived to tell. ❤

Dance with the devil and pay the price
ie: If you're stupid enough to walk around with a target on your back,these things happen

 

[azucaramargo]

Rant

I am feeling lonely..its not feeling of loneliness.. its like worry.. about what i have been doing all this time.. what will i do in days yet to come? Or how will i do
This is difficult..
I don't have too much space
I know..this eventually..
I need to plan something soon..
I feel disgusted with how i am decieving people, how i am leeching them.. while they are working hard despite all the health problems.. this sucks. This is not my only problem tho..but its bothering me a lot.
There is a limit for everything..
And some people in my family think ..i don't care enough for them or i just don't mind them..
I can't figure my own shit.. i am so immersed in my crappy problems.. i can't care for others.. that is true tho..i am not caring for you the way you care for me. I am not ok .
Not ok from many years.. more than a decade .. but i need to figure things out soon.. i wish i was just like you.. that i can speak out my mind.. may be i could be ..but i didnt choose it.
This uncertainty is not nice..its making me worry.
Why can't anyone see what's going on.. and how things are going to blow up.. is it invisible? Or is it love and care towards me?
Thats fogging you from seeing it
I don't deserve this
I deceived you..
Can't forgive myself. What i am doing is brutal..
I never knew how to live my life .. never. I was always confused ,worried or anxious.
Why can't somethings happen soon?
You.. who try your best to make feel like crap, like everything has come to an end.. why can't you help me now? Can have some mercy on me..this is like a maze..
Like a stupid puzzle.. i don't know how to live.. i wish i was never born.
I can survive with less food.. or some not too good clothes. But what bothers me is.. if i am being a burden on my someone, living off others, hurting people. It really gets on my nerves.. i know i am not that good.. but may be its how i was raised when i was younger..they are the thoughts, views of my mother.
It is too much guilt for me... i am hurting others.. hurting badly..and i am so numb of it sometimes.. when they are hurting. I turned into something in all these years.
Its a mistake.. i shouldn't have been born. It was a mistake. I hatemyself..i feel disgusted about this..and i am sure some feel the same if they see it from my point of view..
Whats stopping me
Whats the difference between me now and me before 5 years?

I know how it'll be

This post is making me cry.

 

[Donewith_]

This post is making me cry.

Sorry.. should have added a spoiler.
I just don't think sometimes

 

[azucaramargo]

Sorry.. should have added a spoiler.
I just don't think sometimes

No, it was very heartfelt. I'm so glad you are here to post.

 

[Baskol1]

I dont find death sad, actually quite the opposite. I dont see the death penaltyas a punishment either.

 

[SinisterKid]

I find myself making plans that extend beyond today. Its like playing Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun, nothing good can ever come of it. Can it?

 

[Baskol1]

I find myself making plans that extend beyond today. Its like playing Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun, nothing good can ever come of it. Can it?

Do some people think youre a sociopath too?

 

[ReverendGreen]

Everyday I can feel my brain rotting away and being replaced with noise and static.

 

[Higgy123]

When I close my eyes I imagine I'm a horse or cow. Born to just live out life on the earth with my instincts and never conscious of death and (best of all) certainly not life.

 

[woxihuanni]

When I close my eyes I imagine I'm a horse or cow. Born to just live out life on the earth with my instincts and never conscious of death and (best of all) certainly not life.

Nah, there is the mosquitoes. Those buggers won't leave you alone.

 

[Higgy123]

Nah, there is the mosquitoes. Those buggers won't leave you alone.

Didn't consider that.. great bovine knowledge there haha. Well ideally I'd be a mayfly.

 

[woxihuanni]

Didn't consider that.. great bovine knowledge there haha. Well ideally I'd be a mayfly.

 

[Higgy123]

Love it

 

[blanketyblk]

Sold my dad's and my mum's cars today. feels go to be rid of them and so sad at the same time.. and was thinking about my car. it's an SUV and i've never had anyone sit in the passenger seat.. how bloody sad is that :-(

 

[Donewith_]

I don't want to live

Why should everything be so confusing
I failed. I just want to sleep.
I am not like all

 

[Donewith_]

Leave me alone

 

[RM5998]

I know drinking this much this regularly is bad for me, but it just feels so much better to not have my brain... Think.

 

[Morphinekiss]

Test results tomorrow. Can't calm down enough to sleep. My bed feels so empty.

 

[RM5998]

It's weird... I'm apparently being morose, but I feel much less... Pained. It's much harder to find words, but my head doesn't feel as out of control.

 

[Morphinekiss]

Well that did not go how the fuck it was supposed to. Biopsies next week. "You probably don't have cancer" has now turned into "you most likely have cancer"

 

[woxihuanni]

Today is the anniversary of the first dumping after one way ticket. :) Ah, soon we will know who dumps who. :)

Ahah, it will be so fun. So fun.

 

[blackness]

this is going to sound fucked up and I really wish I could explain why this is happening but I really need to vent about it.
i'm sorry if this is too much for some people, I just need a safe place to talk about it.

I've been suicidal for the longest time ever, I was recently hospitalized for a failed attempt and I was then diagnosed with bipolar.
I started medication for it and ever since then I've been having nothing but homicidal thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about
hurting people, strangling, stabbing, shooting, every possible way to hurt someone just cycles throughout my head.
All I want to do right now is purchase a gun and use it to hurt a bunch of people and then shoot myself so it could all be over.
I have always fucking hated this world and everyone in it, these thoughts are literally destroying me. I have no idea how serious they are
but I feel like a damn monster. I don't know what the hell to do, I'm losing my mind.

please no judgements

 

[blanketyblk]

Both houses go on the market this weekend. flat goes on the market the next week. then i'm pretty much just wait until they are sold and i can check out.. i have a holiday planned in a few weeks. my last item on my bucket list and thats pretty much it. today at work was pretty much the last straw. just too broken and i'm easy offend by people. can't seem to put myself back together any more. so i'm done.. my clock is finally winding down.

 

[RM5998]

This is going to be my most uncomfortable birthday ever... these guys are planning on getting a cake. I hope the buzz from the beers lasts till office ends, that way I don't have to spend that much time sober.

 

[Morphinekiss]

All my friends are planning wedding and baby showers and I'm planning biopsies and deciding if I should dye my hair purple or blue before I lose it to chemo.

They keep telling me to stay positive, but I've known since day one in my gut this would be bad.

 

[Lennox]

I've been letting money-making related stuff pile up lately. I'll just take a deep breath and play catch up, from now till the end of the week.

 

[woxihuanni]

My friend wants to visit, tomorrow he will tell me about which flights he's considering.

The thing is, I will have a window of a few days to off myself starting on the 19th, and then I don't know exactly when next. It's impossible that he will have come and left by then.

When they first suggested to come, I said I'd love to because I do. Just that I don't know how to handle this now.