Random thoughts

[Life sucks]

No brain chemicals = no life
But the fucking biological body still working so its not life and not death. What a fucking trap and fucking shit is this.
Fuck life

 

[throwaway123]

Being a moral person in this world is the hardest thing. If you give up those morals you become succesful. That's the price.
Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. Being like this, I always try to do the right thing but it never works out. How much longer can and will I go on with this? Is my transformation inevitable?

I lose everyone I care about. How am I supposed to trust people who will eventually betray and abandon me?

I've got no one.

 

[262653]

I woke up with a dream on the tip of my memory. I was trying to recall more details, and then my grandmother says: "Good morning."
Was that an automatic response, polished by decades of repetition? That fires up when certain conditions are met. (It is morning; a family member approaches; no distressing occurrences perceived at the moment;etc..)

Or was that command executed for purely altruistic purpose? (Altruism and animal behaviour don't quite add up in my mind's eye, not without a great deal of suspicion, but let's just assume...) In that case she failed to recognize the majorly influential variable -- I'm trying to recall my dream!!!! Don't distract me with your knee-jerk reflexes!!! What worth are good intentions if we fail to predict the outcome of our deeds? How can we be sure we're not missing something important?
I guess we can, if we don't think about it.

Life seems to be like an endlessly iterating reversi game, without any confines as to the board's size -- oftentimes it may prove to be difficult to recognize whether or not this seemingly winning move you've just made is even remotely good, and will not lead to undesirable consequences, which in turn may prove to be surprisingly beneficial afterwards, which...

 

[RM5998]

I keep wishing for a way to jut fall asleep and die... especially when I'm drunk. It dulls the senses enough to forget was a useless cunt I am, but the meta-awareness sadly never goes away.

 

[woxihuanni]

This evening/night has been the only time I've felt happy since shit hit the fan. And it is because of this friendly community.

Also I noticed a major part of my discomfort was trying to communicate with the wrong 'friends'. Some people are for social networking, not sharing who you are with.

 

[Morphinekiss]

Just read some texts between my mother and sister talking about all my problems and how pathetic I am, how much I complain. Why am I waiting to ctb to save their feelings?

 

[Donewith_]

I don't like myself.

 

[Donewith_]

Rant

Everything is too clumsy.. can i bear the thought that i was the creator of all this chaos.. and i can't control any of that..
I am not strong enough for my life.. it is always a lot for me to take..
All the people around me crying because of me.. me being helpless and tears flowing like a ocean..and people suffering for decades, and still despite all that..they are loving, providing me with everything i want in excess and want the best for me..and they are taking the efforts to keep me in a safe zone so that i would never suffer again in my life.. and that will help me to not depend on anyone. And i am unable to return anything back.. and i am helpless about it. Some people are abusing, manipulating , torturing people..for decades. I am not doing anything..
Excess love.. unconditional love can do miracles.. it is killing me..not love, the guilt because of taking in all that love is killing me.
I really want this to happen..i don't want other tear to fall down because of me..i will be very happy if that happens.. that would be my last wish.
Besides all the things i have done, and the people suffered because of me, i dont want any other person to suffer due to my demise.
This is like a puzzle i can never solve.
Its like a maze
I did not create it completely. I was born into it.. and i wish i never saw a person.. i have seen countless people suffer because of him, some people cursing him and me , some people threatening him..that he'll have children one day and telling him to atleast keep that it mind..and saying him to stop deceiving, hurting people. I read those in letters..which were written a long time before i was born. Keeping this aside..


I want to hear that people around me arenot crying.. and are laughing from their heart..thats when i will be happy.

I was true..i am shit at making decisions. This is too much to take. I just hope i have control over my crap emotions.. and don't break down infront of people...
I have too much guilt..my family or people close to me never smiled because of me..they were happy for me and smiled, felt happy for me..thats because they loved me..and not due to what i have done to them .
I did nothing good for anyone.. i did a few for a person who will never change.
But for others..i didnt do anything.. i never cared for others.. i am not as good as them. I am not good.
I want to live for once in my life.. with all my family happily like me and want to return love. I want to feel that for once.

How i am deceiving them..they have alot of love on me..and i am raising their hopes..
But why were you unable to see when i was crying inside..suffering i was hurting..
Today i can see kids who are getting hurt ..i can see that. But why were anyone unable to see that..at that time.it wasn't invisible surely.. and stop that abuse..my suffering. Was it because of the situations that happened at that time?
I can never forgive myself..never.
I want all this to stop and want help
Someone talked to me to hurt me.. to make me feel tensed.. why don't they help me with things that will be useful to me?
I am done..
Why is it like this
How much time
Can you ever forgive yourself?
I am unable to answer myself.. i am useless.

 

[RM5998]

I forgot to turn my phone's sound back on yesterday, and I wake up this morning to an SMS from my mom casually mentioning that one day, I'm going to wake up to the news of her death. Considering her tone, probably by suicide. Fun times...

 

[StillWaiting]

Is it even possible to find something I can do just to feel a little bit of joy to push myself a little further before I go.

 

[Morphinekiss]

Deleted all media accounts. Now I just need to start testing anchor points.

 

[akita]

Time to cut myself yet again

 

[woxihuanni]

Wonder if they will keep my things as well? Probably not.

 

[Lennox]

I feel like ctb'ing sooner than later. My only method 100% ready to go (SN) isn't my preferred one though.

 

[woxihuanni]

I feel like ctb'ing sooner than later. My only method 100% ready to go (SN) isn't my preferred one though.

What'd you prefer?

 

[Lennox]

What'd you prefer?

Either CO(carbon monoxide) or H2S(hydrogen sulfide), but there are still things left to set up with those methods.

 

[woxihuanni]

Either CO(carbon monoxide) or H2S(hydrogen sulfide), but there are still things left to set up with those methods.

Good luck! I am so sick of the practicalities and waiting at this point. Just want to leave right away.

 

[Life sucks]

I read many topics that will blame anything specially advancement and technology.
Those ideas are full of backwardness.
Humans will blame anything but themselves. Humans are inherently toxic and everything else is a tool only.
Humans never "fit" in any type universally. They went against agriculture, industrial revolution, information technology and anything that would advance, all for the sake of retarded sheeple life.
Humans are absurd creatures, there is no right or wrong, some will fit and some are not, a faulty inconsistent biological machine.

 

[woxihuanni]

I read many topics that will blame anything specially advancement and technology.
Those ideas are full of backwardness.
Humans will blame anything but themselves. Humans are inherently toxic and everything else is a tool only.
Humans never "fit" in any type universally. They went against agriculture, industrial revolution, information technology and anything that would advance, all for the sake of retarded sheeple life.
Humans are absurd creatures, there is no right or wrong, some will fit and some are not, a faulty inconsistent biological machine.

I wouldn't go so far as to say there is no right or wrong, but I fully agree that it is humans with our many malfunctions that are the cause of trouble, not advancement.

 

[Life sucks]

I wouldn't go so far as to say there is no right or wrong, but I fully agree that it is humans with our many malfunctions that are the cause of trouble, not advancement.

Right and wrong in biological sense, not a moral one

 

[ReverendGreen]

I'm a fucking moron and went to the wrong address for my psych appointment and ended up arriving too late to the actual place for them to take me. Immediately after that I tried calling several times to schedule a new appointment but nobody ever answered.

Screamed at myself during the drive home until I couldn't speak anymore. I hate not feeling anything.

 

[Morphinekiss]

Mri and pet scan done. I wonder if I could start a betting pool on the results. I need the money.

 

[Donewith_]

Rant

Now i feel like..its a long time.
Lost in a ocean..
Its complete 15 months.. stuck about the same thought.
I was pathetic before too though.. i don't know if I can do it by myself.
Many things are complicated..
I miss many things..
Confusion is the thing i mostly feel..sometimes its like a switch is on..i remember somethings..
Pathetic
I am a bit sick of this..of being a parasite
And completely unsure about myself..
I failed

 

[Morphinekiss]

Just like that, he comes walking through the door and for the first time in 5 years I smiled and laughed for real.

 

[Lennox]

I feel so hopeless. My ctb date can't come soon enough.

 

[throwaway123]

I just did a CAT test and I couldn't even get trough the second question. I'm doomed.

 

[Life sucks]

Antinatalism is a logical consequence at core, not a philosophy. The word philosophy used to undermine it while its a complete logic. Direct logical operations are made and can make the results. Simply if you put an axiom of what everyone assumes about pain and negativity (in countless ways), it will always lead to it. The only two ways to oppose logic is to be absurd and the second one is actually to accept it but be an asshole and never care about it.

 

[Higgy123]

Memory is such a bittersweet combination. On one hand Id like to be so in the moment that I experience everything brand new.. without hating all the mistakes and betrayals I have inflicted upon others. without it I wouldn't have much to be 'me'. I would prefer to keep the positive memories because without remembering the experiences that give me what is required to identify my likes and dislikes.

 

[blanketyblk]

so lost 20 pounds in the 6 weeks. woohoo. got hit on by a guy on the bus on the way home.. boo :-( and was called weird again.. so yeah. ups and downs.. gah my life....

 

[SelfHatingAspie]

Humans are absurd creatures, there is no right or wrong, some will fit and some are not, a faulty inconsistent biological machine.

The best description I've ever heard for humans is "Silly Creatures", coined by Uncle Traveling Matt from Fraggle Rock.