Sabriel
for in that sleep of death what dreams may come
- Jul 23, 2019
- 209
Late at night when my thoughts can't stop cycling from one negative thought to the next...I feel like I'm entering into my own personal hell.
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GinaIsReady
Exit Strategist
- Mar 29, 2019
- 995
Dad and I got drunk together for brother, like we have every year since I turned 18. Thank you bro, for being dad and I together in the wake of your death. I'm the only one he'll cry in front of, he's the only male I'll trust. You gave us that.
I am full of guilties.. i owe a lot of things to many people.
This is too much to take.
My family and people give things , support me out of love. All i do is take .. and i don't know how to return love in any way. I don't know if i amhuman anymore. I feel very guilty.
I can't return love.. this guilt is making me insane. Stop giving me your love, support.
I hate myself for taking it. If you want to help me.. just leave me the way i am. I can atleast smile heartfully without feeling like a looter.
You all are working very hard and supporting me out of love.. and i can barely handle myself and keep myself ina sane state of mind. I am just wasting my time away doing nothing.. for how long i don't know. I can't take care of you ,love you the way you love me. I can't think about any other people.
I am a looter , i feel like I'm deceiving you..and you can't see it.. and still you are loving me . I am aware im deceiving you..still i am taking everything from you knowing that i am deceiving you. Jesus this guilt is enough to kill me.. too much burden on my head.
This is too much to take.
My family and people give things , support me out of love. All i do is take .. and i don't know how to return love in any way. I don't know if i amhuman anymore. I feel very guilty.
I can't return love.. this guilt is making me insane. Stop giving me your love, support.
I hate myself for taking it. If you want to help me.. just leave me the way i am. I can atleast smile heartfully without feeling like a looter.
You all are working very hard and supporting me out of love.. and i can barely handle myself and keep myself ina sane state of mind. I am just wasting my time away doing nothing.. for how long i don't know. I can't take care of you ,love you the way you love me. I can't think about any other people.
I am a looter , i feel like I'm deceiving you..and you can't see it.. and still you are loving me . I am aware im deceiving you..still i am taking everything from you knowing that i am deceiving you. Jesus this guilt is enough to kill me.. too much burden on my head.
blanketyblk
Mage
- Jun 9, 2019
- 574
survived first week back at work. i was going to go out for dinner tonight and celebrate, but I lost willingness to do it that i had a moment ago and decided to just crawl under the blankets in bed and read.. oh what a fantastic and fun filled friday night i'm going to have :-(
I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone.. i want some chocolates to eat. I hate to see reality..it reminds me what a failure i am .. i want to just stay here till i die..reality is too difficult for me..like i just can't stand it.. or am i too addicted to online places?
I feel like i made a imaginary world with all the things i like.. and i can'texist without them. Its really hard to control my brain and thoughts. I hate it.
I feel like i made a imaginary world with all the things i like.. and i can'texist without them. Its really hard to control my brain and thoughts. I hate it.
TheNorthernSilence
Arcanist
- Nov 13, 2018
- 430
Nowdays I'm just browsing through threads here and I seem to have lost the ability to contribute. I mean like I have a thought in my head I'd like to share but I just can't put it into words. It's so frustrating and I feel a bit guilty also because of it.
depressed because of everything. Try thinking to myself "hey look on the bright side, there's....". There's nothing positive in this life
This is exactly how I feel. I haven't posted in months but I'm a silent reader everyday because this place brings me comfort knowing I'm not alone. I just can't put my thoughts into words anymore. I have so much to say but when I go to say it it's just a jumbled mess. I think it's because I have reached extreme apathy and I am so far gone into despair.
262653
Cluesome
- Apr 5, 2018
- 1,733
My life is a white elephant gift.
@TheNorthernSilence; @Raven Moon
Maybe more raw, spontaneous approach would work? Do you struggle with finding the right words, or their arrangement in sentence? I suck at syntax. A lot. Or try to express yourself in word document.
@TheNorthernSilence; @Raven Moon
Maybe more raw, spontaneous approach would work? Do you struggle with finding the right words, or their arrangement in sentence? I suck at syntax. A lot. Or try to express yourself in word document.
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TheNorthernSilence
Arcanist
- Nov 13, 2018
- 430
My brain doesn't work like that. I have avoidant personality and I tend to overanalyze everything I write; ie. it has to be as neutral and as accurate as possible to get my approval. I need to know in advance what will happen or I get very anxious. I also have this dilemma of doing things 100% or 0% and there's nothing in between, meaning a 50% effort is worth 0% in my mind and it causes frustration and discomfort. So the struggle with words is obvious and sometimes the syntax isn't proper either.
I am not completely ok with the thought of letting people go. I realised that today.
I thought i am completely ok with it.. it surprised me in a shocking way to know this. I don't understand myself sometimes. All of this is like a grey area to me.
I thought i am completely ok with it.. it surprised me in a shocking way to know this. I don't understand myself sometimes. All of this is like a grey area to me.
Readytogo227
I just want peace.
- Jun 26, 2018
- 76
I often think about posting my own journal here, just thoughts and entries about my days, the high's and low's. When the thoughts of ending it all become too much and I just want to write it all out instead of screaming into nothing. But I get too scared. I just want someone to maybe know what was going on in my head when I finally do get the strength to ctb...and hopefully not fail this time.
Why am I waiting? They'd be better off financially if I just ctb now. Wouldn't have to support my fucked up self anymore.
GinaIsReady
Exit Strategist
- Mar 29, 2019
- 995
Sept 28th is the last day of summer, which is my favorite. Sounds like a good day to die. I wonder what the weather will be like that day. I would love to die on a beautiful day while the sun goes down on that day, the last day of summer. I've never done heroin but I think it would be a great way to go. Quick, no mess, just like N except your body doesn't turn blue.
blanketyblk
Mage
- Jun 9, 2019
- 574
Soul
gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
- Apr 12, 2019
- 4,705
Calling a human being you've never met "trash" sounds harsh.
sadsadinfp
Member
- Aug 18, 2019
- 54
Every time I think I'm ready I don't end up ctb'ing out of sheer exhaustion, and I think that's going to happen again tonight, and I'm going to have to face another tomorrow.
RM5998
Sack of Meat
- Sep 3, 2018
- 2,202
If I was any of those things, I would have been able to make it work, instead of floundering for ages and looking for other people's answers on SO to do the work for me. Hell, the current workaround I came up with is a piece of shit as well.
Some years ago, I was stabbed by someone trying to rob me. I was doing my best to batter the shit.
Suddenly some people nearby started yelling about there being blood everywhere. Next they're shouting that it's me and that I've been stabbed.
For some reason the guy backed off for a few moments and I could see there was indeed quite a bit of blood on the floor. Just as he made another rush at me, I spotted the knife sticking out of my shoulder.
I couldn't feel anything at all and went straight back to trying to gouge out this chaps eyes.
From what I understand, it's something to do with the brain being flooded with adrenaline so the pain receptors don't respond.
Makes you think about how to achieve that painless death. Somehow you just have to stimulate enough adrenaline and you could do pretty much anything.
Suddenly some people nearby started yelling about there being blood everywhere. Next they're shouting that it's me and that I've been stabbed.
For some reason the guy backed off for a few moments and I could see there was indeed quite a bit of blood on the floor. Just as he made another rush at me, I spotted the knife sticking out of my shoulder.
I couldn't feel anything at all and went straight back to trying to gouge out this chaps eyes.
From what I understand, it's something to do with the brain being flooded with adrenaline so the pain receptors don't respond.
Makes you think about how to achieve that painless death. Somehow you just have to stimulate enough adrenaline and you could do pretty much anything.
Baskol1
No life, no problems
- Aug 11, 2019
- 1,030
As i smashed accidentaly against a window in the door with my head i didnt feel any pain, but i was shocked, because i tought the splitter got into my eyes, and blood everywhere, i was very lucky not ending up blind.
I read your post about this recently.
Reminded me of a seriously stupid thing I did when I was about 8.
I'd gone to school but forgotten something or other, so went back home where nobody was home, so I kicked in the glass panel on the back door. The genius move here was climbing through the broken glass. One slip and that could have been a really messy and gruesome sight for my mom to come home to.
Robbyna
Student
- Mar 6, 2019
- 182
I want to die but I'm terrified to kill myself. I just got SN and planned to use it this weekend. I watched the clock for hours saying I'd make the drink at 1000 then 1200 then 1400 an so on until it was Monday and I had to come to work. The thought crossed my mind that I could bring the powder to work tomorrow and off myself in a secluded closet as I always feel more like dying when I'm here. The sad thing will be when someone has to find my dead body there. I selfishly don't care about that as much as I should.
Soul
gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
- Apr 12, 2019
- 4,705
I'm sorry. (((Hugs)))
Don't do it at work - someone could find you earlier than expected and I don't think that would lead to anything you're seeking.
(((More hugs)))
Robbyna
Student
- Mar 6, 2019
- 182
Thank you for the hugs. I really need one. It's very unlikely that I would do it at work, but in the location I'm thinking of I wouldn't be found for hours at the least. It's just a thought to help me past my overwhelming survival instinct. I'm beyond ready to leave this life, but the fear is holding me hostage.
ReverendGreen
Sleepy
- Jun 27, 2019
- 123
Feel like I'm breaking my xbox controller by whacking myself and objects with it, considering switching to a hammer.
So a brain can analyze and think about the brain itself while it being faulty. What a phenomenon
I am tired of pretending and faking things.
I don't want to fake it. Feels very guilty..its exhausting.
I feel like..this is enough.
What a digusting life mine is
I miss myself
This emptiness sucks..so hollow.
I don't want to fake it. Feels very guilty..its exhausting.
I feel like..this is enough.
What a digusting life mine is
I miss myself
This emptiness sucks..so hollow.
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When you feel like you are dead...when you are alive. Terrible.
I hate this.
I hate this.
So my cat was a kitten when we got him and I was about 10. Sometimes I wonder if he ever thinks about when I used to be small like how I remember when he was a kitten haha.
