K

kkatt

Paragon
Nov 12, 2018
967
I may have self harmed in other, more devious ways, but it's been several years since I cut myself.
A certain person that I've known for many years and come to trust, has obviously been taking advantage of that trust. This is what I call "piss taking".
Naturally I blame myself for letting it happen and I went and cut my wrists last night.
What a compete idiot!! :mmm:
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: RaphtaliaTwoAnimals, Weeping Garbage Can and SinisterKid
Weeping Garbage Can

Weeping Garbage Can

ਕਿਰਪਾ ਕਰਕੇ ਮੈਨੂੰ ਭੁੱਲ ਜਾਓ ❤️
Oct 31, 2018
320
The 'daydream' I had (while maladaptive daydreaming? ) as I was walking with my favorite music this evening built up to be so intense and profound, I feel like it may have been the closest to euphoria I have experienced in a long while. I am still reeling from it as I'm typing this, the closest I can describe it is as if it feels like I went on a 'trip'. It felt more like reality and more like home in my mind, than anything else for some time now. What an experience!
 
  • Like
Reactions: ReverendGreen, SinisterKid and RaphtaliaTwoAnimals
k75

k75

L'appel du Vide
Jun 27, 2019
2,546
I feel invisible. I don't like it.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Azazel and Weeping Garbage Can
irrelevant_string

irrelevant_string

Student
Jun 16, 2019
122
Yes, that's a much more mature and sophisticated way to look at it. I just remember my 10 year old self feeling personally attacked when she said "why did you do such a thing?" ,reloading the game and choosing the other option in order to please her, only to be met with "why did you do such a thing?".

But the problem is actually in the simple dualistic approach of the game and Star Wars universe in general.
She has a point and is the most complex character in the game and I've started to appreciate her more as I grew older and replayed the game.

I actually didn't know that you could play it in other languages. When I tried to play it for the first time I could barely understand anything so I gave up quickly. Well, my native language isn't an option anyway.
But I'd like to try playing it with the restored content mod.
God I love that old manipulative hag
Yeah, if she were my grandma or something I wouldn't be this mess that I am now.
 
  • Love
Reactions: 262653
blanketyblk

blanketyblk

Mage
Jun 9, 2019
575
So got offered a chance to play at the piano bar at the resort tonight. think i might do it. after having a few drinks to calm my nerves
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: Painted Bird, Azazel and SinisterKid
SinisterKid

SinisterKid

Visionary
Jun 1, 2019
2,113
I awoke this morning from another fitful nights sleep and the first thought that hit me was "oh no, not again"
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Weeping Garbage Can, Azazel and blanketyblk
262653

262653

Cluesome
Apr 5, 2018
1,733
Yes, that's a much more mature and sophisticated way to look at it. I just remember my 10 year old self feeling personally attacked when she said "why did you do such a thing?" ,reloading the game and choosing the other option in order to please her, only to be met with "why did you do such a thing?".

I too was obsessing over gaining positive influence, with being a party-pleaser, and playing either radically light or dark characters. Not dark males though, that's a big no-no. I felt having more freedom of choice playing females, and really love that "screwed-up" outward appearance dark ladies had. Looks so powerful... and willing to exercise power and control over others.
"You two, give me all your credits and jump into the pit behind you."
Atton shows disobedience, Exile shows her proficiency with Force Choke.
I'm melting already, so as HK-47.

But the problem is actually in the simple dualistic approach of the game and Star Wars universe in general.

That's why I enjoyed KoTOR 2 more, not just because of improved (overpowered) crafting & upgrade system, and more force powers. First one felt too two-sided, main character is either a hero or a villain. In sequel you're trying to hide from the assassin army, led by a sith lord who seems to sleep with vibroblades, while inadvertently devastating a dozen of planets with one shot... I couldn't sleep for an hour yesterday because I was so agitated by TSL memories.

She has a point and is the most complex character in the game and I've started to appreciate her more as I grew older and replayed the game.
I used to carry an old bag for experience boost and because she with Visas were the only magic followers (or so I thought) in the game, but yeah, I feel so excited to make another playthrough with my current perspective/level of understanding language, abstract ideas and concepts, and finally not in Russian translation.

Yeah, if she were my grandma or something I wouldn't be this mess that I am now.

Word :)

Thanos was too soft with human population, and wasn't able to capitalize on his grave mistake. He should've gone for the head.

the problem of consciousness - the hard problem, mind-body problems, free will etc
I'm not sure if it's even wise on my side to even attempt to grasp such complex problems. DC of cracking these nuts is probably higher than that of resisting Plague. I'll look for some audio content to listen so the whole trip to the grocery store wouldn't be such a waste of time.
 
Azazel

Azazel

Silent
Jun 23, 2019
38
So got offered a chance to play at the piano bar at the resort tonight. think i might do it. after having a few drinks to calm my nerves

Playing music in front of people can be scary, but it sure is amazing, I hope it goes great if you decide to do it
 
blanketyblk

blanketyblk

Mage
Jun 9, 2019
575
Playing music in front of people can be scary, but it sure is amazing, I hope it goes great if you decide to do it
about to head down there now. got a list of songs I'm going to play. 4 songs on violin, 2 on the cello and 2 on the piano. had 3 whiskies neat to easy the nerves. the last time i played in front of an audience was 11 years ago at a friends wedding.

*got my fingers cross they don't boo me and throw tomatoes at me :-)
 
  • Like
Reactions: Azazel and SinisterKid
Azazel

Azazel

Silent
Jun 23, 2019
38
about to head down there now. got a list of songs I'm going to play. 4 songs on violin, 2 on the cello and 2 on the piano. had 3 whiskies neat to easy the nerves. the last time i played in front of an audience was 11 years ago at a friends wedding.

*got my fingers cross they don't boo me and throw tomatoes at me :-)

Good luck, don't worry about what people may think, try to enjoy the music and all will go well. Also, violin, cello and piano, I really love those instruments. Well, have a nice time playing!
 
irrelevant_string

irrelevant_string

Student
Jun 16, 2019
122
I felt having more freedom of choice playing females
How so?
I played as a male once and only then realized that you get Brianna instead of Mical that way (and only that way which is just... ugh) but it came as a pleasant surprise at the time as I didn't like him for some reason. It took a lot of willpower to start playing on the dark side for a change though.
I like Atton, that imbecile and fool, he's as Atton as Atton will ever be. Him and Kreia together too, their conversations are the best.
I couldn't sleep for an hour yesterday because I was so agitated by TSL memories.
I fell asleep listening to "The Ultimate Star Wars KotOR Soundtrack mix". It brings so many childhood memories. Bastilla's theme almost made me emotional.
But oh my god, I just found a video of Malak speaking Russian. That's so weird! I can't imagine Kreia doing that... Serbian would be just pure cringe.
DC of cracking these nuts is probably higher than that of resisting Plague
Indeed(I usually read that word in Kreia's voice).
So did you manage to find anything worth listening to on your trip to the grocery store?
 
  • Like
Reactions: 262653
262653

262653

Cluesome
Apr 5, 2018
1,733
How so?
I played as a male once and only then realized that you get Brianna instead of Mical that way (and only that way which is just... ugh) but it came as a pleasant surprise at the time as I didn't like him for some reason. It took a lot of willpower to start playing on the dark side for a change though.
I like Atton, that imbecile and fool, he's as Atton as Atton will ever be. Him and Kreia together too, their conversations are the best.

I fell asleep listening to "The Ultimate Star Wars KotOR Soundtrack mix". It brings so many childhood memories. Bastilla's theme almost made me emotional.
But oh my god, I just found a video of Malak speaking Russian. That's so weird! I can't imagine Kreia doing that... Serbian would be just pure cringe.

Indeed(I usually read that word in Kreia's voice).
So did you manage to find anything worth listening to on your trip to the grocery store?

I think it's because I was identifying strongly with male characters and didn't want to acknowledge my darker nature by roleplaying them, but I feel more like an observer when protagonist is female.

Oh, I forgot they had names, lol. I liked Handmaiden more because I was obsessing far too much with character stats, and she offered Battle Precognition and unique melee combat feats, while Disciple offered nothing. (As far as I can remember. I didn't bother much with him.)

Maybe Atton is smarter than he appears to be. I liked the pazaak trick.

I don't get why it's called Bastilla's theme. It's played in Taris hideout, long before we meet her. More like Carth's theme? I liked that too. Serene and peaceful. And character creation music from TSL. And droid battle theme, played in Dantooine and Rakatan temples.
I still remember my anticipation of leaving Taris and returning as a Jedi, because I played KoTOR 2 before 1...

I've seen only text translation, but no voice. Translating Kreia would be like translating Shakespearean works.

Not yet. Maybe some David Chalmers talk on YT about his problems, converted to mp3 and downloaded to media player device.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: irrelevant_string
irrelevant_string

irrelevant_string

Student
Jun 16, 2019
122
I think it's because I was identifying strongly with male characters and didn't want to acknowledge my darker nature by roleplaying them, but I feel more like an observer when protagonist is female.
I see, that makes sense.

Maybe some David Chalmers talk on YT
Nice. Both Sam Harris and Robert Wright had him on their podcasts. I like listening to those two.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 262653
throwaway123

throwaway123

Hell0
Aug 5, 2018
1,446
Fate is inescapable
 
  • Like
Reactions: RaphtaliaTwoAnimals, Roulette and blanketyblk
blanketyblk

blanketyblk

Mage
Jun 9, 2019
575
about to head down there now. got a list of songs I'm going to play. 4 songs on violin, 2 on the cello and 2 on the piano. had 3 whiskies neat to easy the nerves. the last time i played in front of an audience was 11 years ago at a friends wedding.

*got my fingers cross they don't boo me and throw tomatoes at me :-)
had a ball. was so nervous. but gosh did i have fun. i think it's the first time I've had a true smile on my face since my mum died last year. going to do it again on Friday night. and going to open it up to requests.. (if i know the song)
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: Alan mathers, Painted Bird, ReverendGreen and 3 others
Azazel

Azazel

Silent
Jun 23, 2019
38
had a ball. was so nervous. but gosh did i have fun. i think it's the first time I've had a true smile on my face since my mum died last year. going to do it again on Friday night. and going to open it up to requests.. (if i know the song)

I'm so happy that it went great and that you had a good time. I'm sorry about you losing your mother, but I'm glad that you could get your smile back. Good luck again on Friday, taking requests can be a really fun thing to do :)
 
RM5998

RM5998

Sack of Meat
Sep 3, 2018
2,202
Why do the days I want to drown my thoughts with alcohol happen to be the days when it's not a good idea... :aw:
 
  • Aww..
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: Ramirez, RaphtaliaTwoAnimals, irrelevant_string and 2 others
SinisterKid

SinisterKid

Visionary
Jun 1, 2019
2,113
I need this to stop. The great peaks of the highs and the great lows of the troughs. I just dont know how to stop it though. I get myself to a point where I want to give it a real go only for something to go wrong and I come crashing back down. Just stop, please!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Alan mathers and Azazel
Now_And_Then

Now_And_Then

If I am no good , then let me out
Jun 30, 2019
277
A random thought , but I just came across a girl that used to be in my class at school on face book (I rarely use it , but there is a school photo tagged with us all )

This is none of my business at all , I don't even know her , but she has named one if her little boys Kai . I hate this when girls use names like that for their kids . It feels chavvy , I watched one of her videos and her accent sounds a little chavvy . To me that name was obviously chosen to make it sound cool and edgy . What's happened to the days of Christopher , Andrew , Mike and George ? His name sounds like a name of a fucking future Street fighter character

And she has since become a secondary school teacher ? Give me over

I bet she is the S J W type teacher that is all buddy buddy with her pupils

Sorry , minor rant over

Lord help this world
 
Last edited:
M

Morphinekiss

Enlightened
Jun 8, 2019
1,207
My damn anxiety is through the roof and I can feel another break down coming
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: blanketyblk
ReverendGreen

ReverendGreen

Sleepy
Jun 27, 2019
123
I hate having days off of work so much.
On a day off there's no excuse for being too tired to do anything.
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: Alan mathers and Lennox
L

Life sucks

Visionary
Apr 18, 2018
2,134
Life is dumb thing. Its all biochemistry, when you don't get the chemicals in your head, you can't do or won't do anything. Fucking stupid shit
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: Lennox, 262653 and RaphtaliaTwoAnimals
M

Morphinekiss

Enlightened
Jun 8, 2019
1,207
Finally got an appointment with the oncologist. And now it's real. It's really real and I could really have cancer.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Lennox and blanketyblk
L

Lefty

Mage
Dec 7, 2018
530
Mental illness is a bitch!
 
  • Aww..
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: Lennox, RaphtaliaTwoAnimals and blanketyblk
blanketyblk

blanketyblk

Mage
Jun 9, 2019
575
Finally got an appointment with the oncologist. And now it's real. It's really real and I could really have cancer.
Hugs, i know the feeling your going though.. it's not easy to cope with. but i got my fingers and toes crossed for you *even if they are just crossed because the weather here is frigging freezing*. but not. keep your chin up. and i hope you have a sweet doctor! :-)

Mental illness is a bitch!
aye. it's something that unless you experienced it, you can't really describe it to people.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Lennox
L

Lefty

Mage
Dec 7, 2018
530
Hugs, i know the feeling your going though.. it's not easy to cope with. but i got my fingers and toes crossed for you *even if they are just crossed because the weather here is frigging freezing*. but not. keep your chin up. and i hope you have a sweet doctor! :-)


aye. it's something that unless you experienced it, you can't really describe it to people.

That's true.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Lennox and RaphtaliaTwoAnimals
Lennox

Lennox

No alarms, and no surprises...
Jul 21, 2019
223
I keep browsing this site when I really should be getting work done.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 262653, Tabbyql, Numbtopain97 and 2 others
throwaway123

throwaway123

Hell0
Aug 5, 2018
1,446
It doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter how many times I do the right thing. I'll always be the villain.
I never even stood a chance. I was set up to fail.

The only person you can ever truly rely on is yourself.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: Lennox and RaphtaliaTwoAnimals
Now_And_Then

Now_And_Then

If I am no good , then let me out
Jun 30, 2019
277
Why the fuck was I born ?
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: Lennox, Donewith_ and throwaway123

Similar threads

Marco77
Replies
8
Views
288
Suicide Discussion
Marco77
Marco77
lavenderlilylies
Replies
5
Views
150
Suicide Discussion
lavenderlilylies
lavenderlilylies
kingfool316
Replies
1
Views
68
Suicide Discussion
FuneralCry
FuneralCry
N
Replies
9
Views
608
Suicide Discussion
nonn_ee
N
3ndl3ss-v0id
Replies
1
Views
112
Suicide Discussion
MyTimeIsUp
M