Random thoughts

[Schopenhauer]

Do you think you can apologize to your ex and tell her that you are going to ctb next week? How do you think she would react to that? Ask for her forgiveness if you can and reassure her that your impending ctb is not her fault.

I'm afraid how she'll react to the news. I'm even more afraid that she'll once again ask me to kill her. I simply cannot do that.

But I've managed to patch things up somewhat. We're speaking again. But I feel like she deserves the truth.

 

[your pathologist]

I can't wait to leave this place

 

[your pathologist]

Why did you ask if I was coming back
Do you still care
If you did would you show me?
Would it even matter

I miss you best friend
Its been too long

Your lips taste like love

 

[your pathologist]

Locked in a cage
Only able to look out
It's tight in here
There isn't much to see except you replace me.
Crying out
Moving about
But you only ignore me
What have I done

 

[Taylored]

I'm probably the only person in my town able to tolerate wearing a sweatshirt with my hoodie up and never taking it off for days

 

[littlelungs]

Just booked my hotel room to ctb. Shit just got real.

 

[Schopenhauer]

I had my last job-related meeting today. I'm not expected back at the office until the 27th. They'll be disappointed :)

I was actually smiling today, even telling jokes. The prospect of this pitiful journey's end fills me with joy. I'm at the barbershop now, waiting to get a haircut. I'll be a well-groomed corpse :p

I managed to get a few Midazolan pills from a coworker. I told her I'm having sleeping problems. I intend to use it before the end, to take the edge off. I'm nearly there.

 

[weedoge]

Just like me, I don't want attention, I prefer to give attention...

and I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with either of those things honestly.

 

[weedoge]

@your pathologist and @ouvreyes thank you so much for being there to distract me from myself, much more than I deserve and I love you guys to the moon for it.

 

[AndyCurious]

and I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with either of those things honestly.

Maybe you are right..:)

 

[WaitingForTheBus]

Random thought...WTF invented cheese in a can and more importantly, WHY?

 

[Dani Paradox]

They took my identity and put it through a meat grinder.

 

[Throwaway563078]

Just booked my hotel room to ctb. Shit just got real.

Good luck! Which method are you using? Also please make a goodbye thread before you go.

 

[your pathologist]

Filling
Overflowing
Spilling
This anger is all over
This hate is all over
This shame is all over
Darkening
Blinding
Crippling
I cant make you love me
I cant make you happy
I cant make you save me

What's the worst part of hating yourself?
When everything happened because of you.

 

[Dani Paradox]

I got my Tagamet today. Everything is beginning to feel very, very real. Not that it didn't before, but it's just really, really hitting me. So many people are dead. People are dying. I'm starting to get my supplies. It's so hard to believe that in 1-2 months...I, too, will be dead. I can't believe this is how the story of my life ended. I missed out on so much. There's so much that I will never get to experience. So much that I will never get to enjoy. I would have broken every single generational curse and changed the trajectory of my entire family bloodline. I would have had such a beautiful family of my own. I would have met the perfect girl and made her so happy. I would have made my children so happy. And I would have done so much for this world. I have so many hopes and dreams that I am now simply unable to carry out. They were taken from me. I would have helped and inspired so many people. I would have changed the world. The dream is over. In 1-2 months I will be dead. Game over.

 

[Dani Paradox]

What if it all really DOES just go black? You know, like one of those nights when you go to sleep and then when you wake up the next morning you don't even remember dreaming? You simply didn't exist for 8 hours. You fell asleep and it all went black....and that was that. I don't believe that. I believe all of my experiences with astral projection were sent to me as a gift...a message...my spirit guide was communicating with me in my times of distress to ease my fear of death and show me what was going to happen. But what if it really DOES just go black?? My mind is wandering. I guess it really doesn't matter either way.

My father is a nut. All these past years everything was all about taking care of his mother and his aunt. It all started right around the same time as all the transgender bullshit, and they moved in with us. You'd think he would have paid more attention to what was going on with his son. Instead, he never did. He pretended to listen to me when I talked to him all those years, and he never barely listened to a word. He had more important things to worry about.....his mother and his aunt. And all the while I was going through this identity crisis, and all the oppression and shit that I had to deal with at work....and I continually told him that I could not handle anything else....all he did was tell me how pathetic I was. He didn't give a shit. I'd put up with shit nonstop at work and then come home and sit in the car crying for an hour because I was afraid to go in the house. Then I'd finally go inside and have to stand at the microwave for an hour repeating myself over and over trying to explain to my 100 year old aunt with dementia how to use a microwave. Then cry in my room and be afraid to walk out again because it would be right back to the microwave or explaining over and over how to use the remote for the TV, or whatever else. I could not handle it. I was unable to take care of myself. But, no...I was pathetic. He didn't give a shit. It was all about his mother and his aunt. If I had been able to take care of myself and focus on myself then NONE OF THIS would have happened. But, no...I was pathetic.

It's been 7 years, and I'm STILL always afraid to leave my room. It's still all about his mother. It's all about my grandma. Right up to my death. At this point even the littlest things that normally wouldn't be a very big deal....they're a big deal. Like when I was on my way in here to type this, and she stopped me dead in my tracks to have me unmake the bed. And she still calls me Danielle, and then she's all like, "'Atta girl!!" It's constant little things. Any time she even speaks to me, asking the same thing over and over and over. Any time she opens her mouth, my mind is just like "WHAT THE FUCK!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!" It's literally the e-x-a-c-t s-a-m-e d-a-y over and over and over again. Like, I'm going to be dead in 1-2 months. And I still can't even get peace in my own home. Seven whole years of this. No peace in my own home. I'm still just as afraid to walk out of my room as I was seven years ago. I can't even get peace in my room half the time because I can hear her around the house just going off. And she's manipulatively abusive. Nothing pleases her. Nothing is ever good enough. You can bend over backwards at her every request and she'll blow smoke up your ass with love and appreciation and then 60 minutes later she'll be on the phone with my aunt saying what a piece of shit me and my dad are because we don't do anything for her. She'll take any regular level headed person and turn them into a nervous wreck in less than two weeks. Between her and my aunt it's been seven fucking years. And it never even ended. It literally destroyed me. None of this would have happened, I would still have my normal body, everything would have been over long before it got really bad and past the point of no return. I will be doing this right up until the day that I die. It literally costed me my life. But at least I took care of my grandma and my aunt. Family values. It's an Italian thing. Still wasn't good enough though. Dad says "I didn't do shit." I'm sure he'll feel a whole lot differently about EVERYTHING once he finds me dead in my room.


That was long. Sorry. I needed to vent.

Edit: "Family values." You'd think that would include paying attention to what the fuck your bad ass tough guy son is thinking when he suddenly wakes up and starts running around thinking he's a broad. You'd think maybe you'd actually talk to him so you could understand what was going on in his head?? Maybe try to understand why he feels that way?? Maybe try and relate to your son a little bit?? Maybe then you'd realize how fucking confused he was?? Because guess what...….like father like son!!! He was a hippie at my age. His father busted his balls about looking and acting like a girl. It was the exact same thing. A generational curse. Except he had such an inferiority complex that he abandoned that whole part of his identity and went his whole life never even knowing who he truly was. And then projected it onto me, and I had such an inferiority complex that I became confused, felt trapped in the wrong body, and then finally had a sex change. And he didn't even bother to listen. And then after all is said and done, one day he says to me "hahaha, you know, when I was younger I used to joke around and say that I was half guy and half girl." WHAT THE FUCK?! AND YOU'RE JUST TELLING ME THIS NOW?!?! Yeah, well, now he denies ever saying it and acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about because he feels guilty, so he gaslights me. He gaslights me a lot. Ain't that fucked up though? He's SO DEEPLY ASHAMED of who he is deep down, that he let his own son run out and have a sex change, because he was too ashamed to be open and relate to him. How pathetic is that???? Deep down, I think he was so ashamed that he thought HE was a girl....and so he thought his son was too. So rather than relate to how his son felt, he simply railroaded his son and then gave him the money to mutilate his body. Fucking sick twisted disturbing shit. I'm in the Twilight Zone. X Files shit, man. When I finally said I was a guy it was a huge prolonged argument for two weeks straight. He's even still tried telling me I'm not a man after the fact. He's so confused that he doesn't know the difference between a guy and a girl. He's so superficial and narrow-minded that he doesn't know there's more to a girl than long hair and make-up. "If you put on a pair of heels then you're a girl." He even said to me one time regarding the past, "You'd think you would have just cut your hair and went back to being my son." Fuck you, dad. I am your son, and this is who I am. Love and accept me or don't. I'm not your daughter. I'm your son. See...he was only able to accept me if he called me his daughter. This entire agenda is so sick and twisted beyond belief. It's psychological warfare. My entire family was conned. Me, my parents, my sister, my two aunts, my grandmother, my girlfriend. No one knows the difference between a guy and a girl. One day I was flipping my hair over my shoulder and my grandma was like "SHE thinks SHE'S a GUY??" And my aunt laughed like "yeah...right...." Because I was flipping my hair over my shoulder. Child abuse!!! And then the doctors all be like "We wanna help you. You have a medical condition. You were born with the wrong chromosomes. You don't have a disorder. It's biological. Let me help put you in your rightful body. It's your only option. Don't worry...we'll get you in your rightful body ;-) It's medically necessary ;-)" And then everyone goes along with it telling me that I'm actually a girl. For years and years and years. One thing leads to another. Doctor appointments, surgery after surgery, a ton of mutilation and $26,000 later....here I am!!! All for absolutely nothing. *insert twilight zone theme here*

Okay, this is definitely way too long now. I'm in a mood. I can't believe I'm going to be dead within 2 months. After all this shit that I have been through... This is how the story of my life ended. I had it made. I had everything. BOOM! Torn away. And this is how it ended. Sorry. Random thoughts.

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

This is the second night I've not been able to sleep knowing I have work in the morning. Is this going to become a regular thing?

 

[Dani Paradox]

This is the second night I've not been able to sleep knowing I have work in the morning. Is this going to become a regular thing?

Don't jynx it.

 

[your pathologist]

What if it all really DOES just go black? You know, like one of those nights when you go to sleep and then when you wake up the next morning you don't even remember dreaming? You simply didn't exist for 8 hours. You fell asleep and it all went black....and that was that. I don't believe that. I believe all of my experiences with astral projection were sent to me as a gift...a message...my spirit guide was communicating with me in my times of distress to ease my fear of death and show me what was going to happen. But what if it really DOES just go black?? My mind is wandering. I guess it really doesn't matter either way.

My father is a nut. All these past years everything was all about taking care of his mother and his aunt. It all started right around the same time as all the transgender bullshit, and they moved in with us. You'd think he would have paid more attention to what was going on with his son. Instead, he never did. He pretended to listen to me when I talked to him all those years, and he never barely listened to a word. He had more important things to worry about.....his mother and his aunt. And all the while I was going through this identity crisis, and all the oppression and shit that I had to deal with at work....and I continually told him that I could not handle anything else....all he did was tell me how pathetic I was. He didn't give a shit. I'd put up with shit nonstop at work and then come home and sit in the car crying for an hour because I was afraid to go in the house. Then I'd finally go inside and have to stand at the microwave for an hour repeating myself over and over trying to explain to my 100 year old aunt with dementia how to use a microwave. Then cry in my room and be afraid to walk out again because it would be right back to the microwave or explaining over and over how to use the remote for the TV, or whatever else. I could not handle it. I was unable to take care of myself. But, no...I was pathetic. He didn't give a shit. It was all about his mother and his aunt. If I had been able to take care of myself and focus on myself then NONE OF THIS would have happened. But, no...I was pathetic.

It's been 7 years, and I'm STILL always afraid to leave my room. It's still all about his mother. It's all about my grandma. Right up to my death. At this point even the littlest things that normally wouldn't be a very big deal....they're a big deal. Like when I was on my way in here to type this, and she stopped me dead in my tracks to have me unmake the bed. And she still calls me Danielle, and then she's all like, "'Atta girl!!" It's constant little things. Any time she even speaks to me, asking the same thing over and over and over. Any time she opens her mouth, my mind is just like "WHAT THE FUCK!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!" It's literally the e-x-a-c-t s-a-m-e d-a-y over and over and over again. Like, I'm going to be dead in 1-2 months. And I still can't even get peace in my own home. Seven whole years of this. No peace in my own home. I'm still just as afraid to walk out of my room as I was seven years ago. I can't even get peace in my room half the time because I can hear her around the house just going off. And she's manipulatively abusive. Nothing pleases her. Nothing is ever good enough. You can bend over backwards at her every request and she'll blow smoke up your ass with love and appreciation and then 60 minutes later she'll be on the phone with my aunt saying what a piece of shit me and my dad are because we don't do anything for her. She'll take any regular level headed person and turn them into a nervous wreck in less than two weeks. Between her and my aunt it's been seven fucking years. And it never even ended. It literally destroyed me. None of this would have happened, I would still have my normal body, everything would have been over long before it got really bad and past the point of no return. I will be doing this right up until the day that I die. It literally costed me my life. But at least I took care of my grandma and my aunt. Family values. It's an Italian thing. Still wasn't good enough though. Dad says "I didn't do shit." I'm sure he'll feel a whole lot differently about EVERYTHING once he finds me dead in my room.


That was long. Sorry. I needed to vent.

Edit: "Family values." You'd think that would include paying attention to what the fuck your bad ass tough guy son is thinking when he suddenly wakes up and starts running around thinking he's a broad. You'd think maybe you'd actually talk to him so you could understand what was going on in his head?? Maybe try to understand why he feels that way?? Maybe try and relate to your son a little bit?? Maybe then you'd realize how fucking confused he was?? Because guess what...….like father like son!!! He was a hippie at my age. His father busted his balls about looking and acting like a girl. It was the exact same thing. A generational curse. Except he had such an inferiority complex that he abandoned that whole part of his identity and went his whole life never even knowing who he truly was. And then projected it onto me, and I had such an inferiority complex that I became confused, felt trapped in the wrong body, and then finally had a sex change. And he didn't even bother to listen. And then after all is said and done, one day he says to me "hahaha, you know, when I was younger I used to joke around and say that I was half guy and half girl." WHAT THE FUCK?! AND YOU'RE JUST TELLING ME THIS NOW?!?! Yeah, well, now he denies ever saying it and acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about because he feels guilty, so he gaslights me. He gaslights me a lot. Ain't that fucked up though? He's SO DEEPLY ASHAMED of who he is deep down, that he let his own son run out and have a sex change, because he was too ashamed to be open and relate to him. How pathetic is that???? Deep down, I think he was so ashamed that he thought HE was a girl....and so he thought his son was too. So rather than relate to how his son felt, he simply railroaded his son and then gave him the money to mutilate his body. Fucking sick twisted disturbing shit. I'm in the Twilight Zone. X Files shit, man.

Okay, this is definitely way too long now. I'm in a mood. I can't believe I'm going to be dead within 2 months. After all this shit that I have been through... This is how the story of my life ended. I had it made. I had everything. BOOM! Torn away. And this is how it ended. Sorry. Random thoughts.

Holy fucking shit balls.
I literally had deja vu while reading your post of a dream I had over a year ago.

in my dream, i was aware of someone named dani. I was looking at the SS webpage and reading the post you just posted. and then in the middle of it my brain says:
"so this is all you do anymore, read ppls sad lives and think about your own"
and then my brain says "btw jon isn't with you anymore"

I had a conversation about this dream last year. I remembered saying But i don't know anyone named Dani
and then i said, and you weren't around in my dream and jon said, Nonsense i'll always be around.

Fuck dude. I need to recover before i respond to what you've actually written that fucking hit me hard.

 

[Dani Paradox]

Holy fucking shit balls.
I literally had deja vu while reading your post of a dream I had over a year ago.

in my dream, i was aware of someone named dani. I was looking at the SS webpage and reading the post you just posted. and then in the middle of it my brain says:
"so this is all you do anymore, read ppls sad lives and think about your own"
and then my brain says "btw jon isn't with you anymore"

I had a conversation about this dream last year. I remembered saying But i don't know anyone named Dani
and then i said, and you weren't around in my dream and jon said, Nonsense i'll always be around.

Fuck dude. I need to recover before i respond to what you've actually written that fucking hit me hard.

Stop fucking with me lol

 

[your pathologist]

What if it all really DOES just go black? You know, like one of those nights when you go to sleep and then when you wake up the next morning you don't even remember dreaming? You simply didn't exist for 8 hours. You fell asleep and it all went black....and that was that. I don't believe that. I believe all of my experiences with astral projection were sent to me as a gift...a message...my spirit guide was communicating with me in my times of distress to ease my fear of death and show me what was going to happen. But what if it really DOES just go black?? My mind is wandering. I guess it really doesn't matter either way.

My father is a nut. All these past years everything was all about taking care of his mother and his aunt. It all started right around the same time as all the transgender bullshit, and they moved in with us. You'd think he would have paid more attention to what was going on with his son. Instead, he never did. He pretended to listen to me when I talked to him all those years, and he never barely listened to a word. He had more important things to worry about.....his mother and his aunt. And all the while I was going through this identity crisis, and all the oppression and shit that I had to deal with at work....and I continually told him that I could not handle anything else....all he did was tell me how pathetic I was. He didn't give a shit. I'd put up with shit nonstop at work and then come home and sit in the car crying for an hour because I was afraid to go in the house. Then I'd finally go inside and have to stand at the microwave for an hour repeating myself over and over trying to explain to my 100 year old aunt with dementia how to use a microwave. Then cry in my room and be afraid to walk out again because it would be right back to the microwave or explaining over and over how to use the remote for the TV, or whatever else. I could not handle it. I was unable to take care of myself. But, no...I was pathetic. He didn't give a shit. It was all about his mother and his aunt. If I had been able to take care of myself and focus on myself then NONE OF THIS would have happened. But, no...I was pathetic.

It's been 7 years, and I'm STILL always afraid to leave my room. It's still all about his mother. It's all about my grandma. Right up to my death. At this point even the littlest things that normally wouldn't be a very big deal....they're a big deal. Like when I was on my way in here to type this, and she stopped me dead in my tracks to have me unmake the bed. And she still calls me Danielle, and then she's all like, "'Atta girl!!" It's constant little things. Any time she even speaks to me, asking the same thing over and over and over. Any time she opens her mouth, my mind is just like "WHAT THE FUCK!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!" It's literally the e-x-a-c-t s-a-m-e d-a-y over and over and over again. Like, I'm going to be dead in 1-2 months. And I still can't even get peace in my own home. Seven whole years of this. No peace in my own home. I'm still just as afraid to walk out of my room as I was seven years ago. I can't even get peace in my room half the time because I can hear her around the house just going off. And she's manipulatively abusive. Nothing pleases her. Nothing is ever good enough. You can bend over backwards at her every request and she'll blow smoke up your ass with love and appreciation and then 60 minutes later she'll be on the phone with my aunt saying what a piece of shit me and my dad are because we don't do anything for her. She'll take any regular level headed person and turn them into a nervous wreck in less than two weeks. Between her and my aunt it's been seven fucking years. And it never even ended. It literally destroyed me. None of this would have happened, I would still have my normal body, everything would have been over long before it got really bad and past the point of no return. I will be doing this right up until the day that I die. It literally costed me my life. But at least I took care of my grandma and my aunt. Family values. It's an Italian thing. Still wasn't good enough though. Dad says "I didn't do shit." I'm sure he'll feel a whole lot differently about EVERYTHING once he finds me dead in my room.


That was long. Sorry. I needed to vent.

Edit: "Family values." You'd think that would include paying attention to what the fuck your bad ass tough guy son is thinking when he suddenly wakes up and starts running around thinking he's a broad. You'd think maybe you'd actually talk to him so you could understand what was going on in his head?? Maybe try to understand why he feels that way?? Maybe try and relate to your son a little bit?? Maybe then you'd realize how fucking confused he was?? Because guess what...….like father like son!!! He was a hippie at my age. His father busted his balls about looking and acting like a girl. It was the exact same thing. A generational curse. Except he had such an inferiority complex that he abandoned that whole part of his identity and went his whole life never even knowing who he truly was. And then projected it onto me, and I had such an inferiority complex that I became confused, felt trapped in the wrong body, and then finally had a sex change. And he didn't even bother to listen. And then after all is said and done, one day he says to me "hahaha, you know, when I was younger I used to joke around and say that I was half guy and half girl." WHAT THE FUCK?! AND YOU'RE JUST TELLING ME THIS NOW?!?! Yeah, well, now he denies ever saying it and acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about because he feels guilty, so he gaslights me. He gaslights me a lot. Ain't that fucked up though? He's SO DEEPLY ASHAMED of who he is deep down, that he let his own son run out and have a sex change, because he was too ashamed to be open and relate to him. How pathetic is that???? Deep down, I think he was so ashamed that he thought HE was a girl....and so he thought his son was too. So rather than relate to how his son felt, he simply railroaded his son and then gave him the money to mutilate his body. Fucking sick twisted disturbing shit. I'm in the Twilight Zone. X Files shit, man. When I finally said I was a guy it was a huge prolonged argument for two weeks straight. He's even still tried telling me I'm not a man after the fact. He's so confused that he doesn't know the difference between a guy and a girl. He's so superficial and narrow-minded that he doesn't know there's more to a girl than long hair and make-up. "If you put on a pair of heels then you're a girl." He even said to me one time regarding the past, "You'd think you would have just cut your hair and went back to being my son." Fuck you, dad. I am your son, and this is who I am. Love and accept me or don't. I'm not your daughter. I'm your son. See...he was only able to accept me if he called me his daughter. This entire agenda is so sick and twisted beyond belief. It's psychological wa.

Thanks for sharing your story dani.
I enjoyed reading it.
I feel the same way @ the whole parents not relating to you before its too late shit.
I'm sorry you have to deal with your aunt and your grandmother in that way. Living with family is always so hard.
Its also nice to see a little insight on your situation.
I knew where you were in life but not how you got there.

You remind me of this video i saw on facebook about these kids that hadn't even entered puberty yet getting hormones prescribed to them so they could experience puberty as the opposite gender

My best friend in the world was FTM and they began to transition at 20 and has lived that way for 2 years now.
he's always felt like he was in the wrong body...

So at the time i saw that video i was like, oh fuck yeah i support this.
Its been a few months and now i think to myself...
Should we really be allowing fucking KIDS to transition and do something like that to their bodies?
Your body will change.
And you cannot undo it.
I dont know its just silly to me.

the way you talk about your grandmother (about her being someone you don't even wanna see or be around) is like how i feel about my stepdad. He's a 100% disabled veteran but he can still walk and plays drums in a metal band and there isn't anything drastically wrong with him. He's a little fat but like thats it
But he makes my mother do absolutely EVERYTHING for him. Cook, clean, put away dishes, bring him plates, put them away, take care of his dog, feed the dogs, do the laundry etc and etc
and he doesn't have a job, he gets disability but that's his income.
She works 40+ hours a week, granted from home, and then does all that shit for him. he's constantly sleeping and when he has band shows my mom loads all his equipment to and from the gig.
I get it dude, you're a veteran
but my mom and you are almost 50
when are you going to help her out? when she's so old she's fucking struggling to move?
it fucking makes me grit my teeth
everything about this guy makes me fucking mad.
His laugh his breathing his consistant farting.
I don't believe in murder but man if i did i would murder him.
But my mom would crumble.
Cuz she's so dependent on this fucker she can't fuction or have any self respect
(he left her once because she chose her kid over him and came back i'm assuming cuz the broad didn't want to baby him)
Anyway. I get the impression we both hate someone as much as that.
Everything he says is just fucking DUMB and its cuz of how he treats my mom.

I'm so sorry you gotta deal with all those people i can barely stand my stepdad.
HUGS

 

[your pathologist]

Stop fucking with me lol

dude i wish i fucking was

scared me silly

 

[jaemus12]

I want to cry but I can't.
I feel so heavy in my heart.
I have a hard time breathing.
I feel empty, clueless and dark.
I hate myself.
I hate being alive.
I hate living.
I hate being judged by society.
I hate being a fool.
I hate being a weak piece of shit who can't kill himself.
I hate survival instinct
I hate everything.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I want to leave.
I need to leave
I want out.
I need out.

I can't procrastinate any longer.
I'm going to put everything in order starting now. Once I have everything in order, I'm going. I can hear the bus. I can see it from a long, long distance away. It's slowly but surely coming soon.

Sorry for this long post. It's probably the last few you'll see from me anyways. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

 

[your pathologist]

I got my Tagamet today. Everything is beginning to feel very, very real. Not that it didn't before, but it's just really, really hitting me. So many people are dead. People are dying. I'm starting to get my supplies. It's so hard to believe that in 1-2 months...I, too, will be dead. I can't believe this is how the story of my life ended. I missed out on so much. There's so much that I will never get to experience. So much that I will never get to enjoy. I would have broken every single generational curse and changed the trajectory of my entire family bloodline. I would have had such a beautiful family of my own. I would have met the perfect girl and made her so happy. I would have made my children so happy. And I would have done so much for this world. I have so many hopes and dreams that I am now simply unable to carry out. They were taken from me. I would have helped and inspired so many people. I would have changed the world. The dream is over. In 1-2 months I will be dead. Game over.

every time one of my packages shows up i feel the same damn way
like shit
this is the stuff

 

[Lra888]

POPCORN?

I wonder how people first discovered popcorn? Like I imagine it was some Native American who put a dried ear of corn in a fire, or perhaps there was an uncontrolled fire that spread to a cornfield. Anyway, once they noticed the corn popped - someone must have been like "let me eat that shit". This information must have spread so that the concept of popcorn caught on in the Americas and then worldwide.

 

[2211264]

About a month ago I went back to the hospital where I was born. Its closed down and abandoned now.
After going back there and being there it made me feel ready to die.
Going back to end it feels good in a way. Kind of weird too. To end it where it began, as clichéd as it sounds

 

[Dani Paradox]

Thanks for sharing your story dani.
I enjoyed reading it.
I feel the same way @ the whole parents not relating to you before its too late shit.
I'm sorry you have to deal with your aunt and your grandmother in that way. Living with family is always so hard.
Its also nice to see a little insight on your situation.
I knew where you were in life but not how you got there.

You remind me of this video i saw on facebook about these kids that hadn't even entered puberty yet getting hormones prescribed to them so they could experience puberty as the opposite gender

My best friend in the world was FTM and they began to transition at 20 and has lived that way for 2 years now.
he's always felt like he was in the wrong body...

So at the time i saw that video i was like, oh fuck yeah i support this.
Its been a few months and now i think to myself...
Should we really be allowing fucking KIDS to transition and do something like that to their bodies?
Your body will change.
And you cannot undo it.
I dont know its just silly to me.

the way you talk about your grandmother (about her being someone you don't even wanna see or be around) is like how i feel about my stepdad. He's a 100% disabled veteran but he can still walk and plays drums in a metal band and there isn't anything drastically wrong with him. He's a little fat but like thats it
But he makes my mother do absolutely EVERYTHING for him. Cook, clean, put away dishes, bring him plates, put them away, take care of his dog, feed the dogs, do the laundry etc and etc
and he doesn't have a job, he gets disability but that's his income.
She works 40+ hours a week, granted from home, and then does all that shit for him. he's constantly sleeping and when he has band shows my mom loads all his equipment to and from the gig.
I get it dude, you're a veteran
but my mom and you are almost 50
when are you going to help her out? when she's so old she's fucking struggling to move?
it fucking makes me grit my teeth
everything about this guy makes me fucking mad.
His laugh his breathing his consistant farting.
I don't believe in murder but man if i did i would murder him.
But my mom would crumble.
Cuz she's so dependent on this fucker she can't fuction or have any self respect
(he left her once because she chose her kid over him and came back i'm assuming cuz the broad didn't want to baby him)
Anyway. I get the impression we both hate someone as much as that.
Everything he says is just fucking DUMB and its cuz of how he treats my mom.

I'm so sorry you gotta deal with all those people i can barely stand my stepdad.
HUGS

Thank you for even reading it <3 That means a lot. I really didn't even expect anyone to at all because it was so long. I kind of just felt like I was going to explode and wiled out on the keyboard. Yeah, it's been a crazy ride to say the least... It's pretty relieving to think it will all be over soon. Sad and scary, yeah, but very relieving.

Your stepdad sounds EXACTLY like my ex gf's mom's bf, Jeff. It's practically the same story, except minus the band. Weird. He's even a veteran, too. An ex-marine. And he's really fat. Same story. She does absolutely everything, waits on him hand and foot, along with his kids, and he never even bothers to lift a finger. I thought of them immediately. My ex always felt just like you. None of us liked the guy. I know you aren't very close with your mom but it's still got to be extremely aggravating to watch her allow him to walk all over her and use her like that. I'm willing to bet there's probably no talking to her either, right?? She listens but then just acts all nonchalant like she just doesn't care how he treats her because she loves him? There's kind of nothing you can even say at that point either if that's the case.. If she loves him, she loves him. But yeah, that's the feeling... always having to be around someone you don't want to be, and you've got to just hold it in and smile... Hugs, Pathy <3

 

[your pathologist]

Thank you for even reading it <3 That means a lot. I really didn't even expect anyone to at all because it was so long. I kind of just felt like I was going to explode and wiled out on the keyboard. Yeah, it's been a crazy ride to say the least... It's pretty relieving to think it will all be over soon. Sad and scary, yeah, but very relieving.

Your stepdad sounds EXACTLY like my ex gf's mom's bf, Jeff. It's practically the same story, except minus the band. Weird. He's even a veteran, too. An ex-marine. And he's really fat. Same story. She does absolutely everything, waits on him hand and foot, along with his kids, and he never even bothers to lift a finger. I thought of them immediately. My ex always felt just like you. None of us liked the guy. I know you aren't very close with your mom but it's still got to be extremely aggravating to watch her allow him to walk all over her and use her like that. I'm willing to bet there's probably no talking to her either, right?? She listens but then just acts all nonchalant like she just doesn't care how he treats her because she loves him? There's kind of nothing you can even say at that point either if that's the case.. If she loves him, she loves him. But yeah, that's the feeling... always having to be around someone you don't want to be, and you've got to just hold it in and smile... Hugs, Pathy <3

Holy shit that was scary
you said my thoughts
there is no talking to her. Cuz yeah she's almost 50 this is it for her.
Like yeah you're right but fucking stand up for yourself man come on.

 

[Dani Paradox]

dude i wish i fucking was

scared me silly

Dude, that's so bizarre and freaky that I don't even want to believe you lol but idk I've had some weird ass freaky things like that happen to me in my life...so idk lol xD....that would really be something though

 

[your pathologist]

POPCORN?

I wonder how people first discovered popcorn? Like I imagine it was some Native American who somehow put a dried ear of corn in a fire, or perhaps there was an uncontrolled fire that spread to a cornfield. Anyway, once they noticed the corn popped - someone must have been like "let me eat that shit". This information must have spread so that the concept of popcorn caught on in the Americas and then worldwide.

FIRE
lemme eat that shit
i enjoyed this
thanks