Random thoughts

[thatguyakira123]

Well another night of a messed up sleep cycle. I don't get it. Night before I slept great. Went to bed at 11 woke up at 6 fell back asleep and woke at 7. Now I only slept for 4 hours and am currently feeling refreshed. But mentally I'm tired, my eyes are starting to burn and I know my head is gonna feel dazed as the sun comes up in an hour. Last week I did not sleep good for days which caused me to be both physically and mentally exsausted. It didn't help that one of those days I was sick. It seems I'm doomed to feel like that again this week.

I tried everything. Amtriplaine; makes my heart race, loose taste and feel irritable. Lexotanil; makes me feel irritable, makes my anxiety worse. I made yesterday be as relaxed as possible for me as I didn't want to be stressed out. It was mostly a good day until night came and my asshole of a brother played a tv show of which the shitty intro music is stuck in my head, which caused me to go to sleep streesed and when I woke up at 3 today an hour later when it felt like I was gonna sleep it popped in my head again. Earworms should be illegal, the type of stress it causes on the mentally ill is not right. I'm normally good at getting rid of earworms, but this is a tough one.

 

[Manaaja]

I spent the whole day in bed, I'm feeling bad and wish I didn't spend the whole day in bed. I guess I need to stay standing up and walk for the next hour. I really want to take a nice clean shower, wash myself clean and then change the bed sheets.

 

[EvilStepSister]

Never drink water after eating an orange.

It's just not pleasant.

 

[thatguyakira123]

I honestly don't get my body. In my last post I said I couldn't sleep but by some miracle that night/day I was able to go back to sleep without any pills. Tonight, its bad. After about a week of sleeping reletivly normal it decided that tonight I'm only gonna sleep 2 hours. I don't get why my body is energized at nights. Maybe I need to drain my blood or learn how to make myself unconcious with a hammer. I really hate my body and mind.

 

[thatguyakira123]

I don't mean to be insensitive but I wish people would shut up about the ukraine russia thing ESPECIALLY the ones (like my brother) that go "it could be world war 3" "if biden done this then war could've happen". Shoulda, woulda, could've isn't fact so stop gaslighting people.

 

[Circles]

Crazy how forgettable we all are.

 

[Circles]

Why is it so hard to stop being suicidal? It might as well be impossible.

 

[thatguyakira123]

I hate being alive. I wish strong sleeping pills were cheap so that I could at the very least sleep, but that'll never happen. If I wasn't living I would be happier.

 

[ShadowsFall]

Debating working exclusively during the late night/early morning hours. Twice already, I made almost double working on 2 delivery platforms (UberEATS and Doordash) between 10pm and 5am, than what I normally make working between 6am and 8pm.

 

[Silenos]

My ability to procrastinate is fucking exceptional sometimes.

 

[DontplayGod]

I'm either a genius or really delusional lol

 

[littlelungs]

I never fucking do anything right. I am the most worthless piece of shit to pollute the planet and I need to just fucking die already.

 

[ShadowsFall]

Turning 40 today. I don't really plan on doing anything special today. There were a couple of traumatic events that happened on my birthday in 2013. Ever since then, I could care less...

 

[Cosmic dust]

I hate birthdays, it reminds me that the clock is ticking and of how much I have already lost, how much time has passed without things improving.

I also feel unconfortable getting the birthday attention. Its weird, I always feel bad for being invisible and for not having anyone, but when people pay attention and start wishing me a happy birthday, I don't like it. I am not used to this and these people don't usually seem to care.

 

[ShadowsFall]

I need to have a serious discussion with an individual when I see them at the beginning of April. Although I agreed to help them get out of a jam they are currently in, I cannot keep doing it. This is not the first time I have helped them out with a large sum amount.

 

[Circles]

Why aren't more people depressed and suicidal? The world is crashing and turning to shit and hell it's always been shit. All we get is hardships and misery constantly on top of being bogged down by shitty governments who don't give a flying fuck if all of us starve to death. I just don't get it anymore. I'm more mad about it than I should be. Like why should I even care anymore when obviously not many people fucking care about the actual bigger issues at hand in the world. The things that actually matter. But no. Nope. No. It's not enough to stare at the problems, but to even think about it is just too much for most people. And quite frankly it is cause it's all an overwhelming fucked up mess that just needs to be swallowed by a black hole.

 

[DeutscheKartoffel]

The only people justifiably relevant having the rights to die should be those who are suffering health or severe circumstantial issues.

There are two types of people I despise, the first one are communists because they are supporters of authoritarian regimes.

The second ones are losers who act and talk all depressed/suicidal but have no objectively good reasons to do so.

 

[littlelungs]

Suffering my ass off 24/7. This chronic pain is so aggressive and unbearable.

 

[S like suicide]

I'm devoured by fear,i feel so much fear now

 

[nerve]

I've started self-harming more. There's really no point bringing it up to anyone because then they want to help, and then they can't, and then they worry about me. So now two people feel bad. If someone asks, I'm not going to lie, but I'm better off keeping this to myself.

I wish things weren't so confusing.

 

[DeutscheKartoffel]

Fuck Chinese government and Fuck Communist nazis!

 

[DeutscheKartoffel]

New random thought:

I've lost people I was close to since I became a member on this site,
as well as family, pets & people I knew in real life that had passed away.

I would like to take a moment and tell them that I love them and that they will never be forgotten.

Rest easy.

 

[thatguyakira123]

Older brother kicked my dog yesterday. I was enraged. Took my mom and my neighbors to calm me. Dude triggered my anxiety to a point where my meds aren't effective at the moment. And I had such a good week of sleep and controlling my anxiety disorder before this happened. I'm just glad that my dog is safe.

 

[Manaaja]

Happiness, peace, freedom, love, justice.

I have said it a lot of times, but they are still the most important things.

 

[Cosmic dust]

Why aren't more people depressed and suicidal? The world is crashing and turning to shit and hell it's always been shit. All we get is hardships and misery constantly on top of being bogged down by shitty governments who don't give a flying fuck if all of us starve to death. I just don't get it anymore. I'm more mad about it than I should be. Like why should I even care anymore when obviously not many people fucking care about the actual bigger issues at hand in the world. The things that actually matter. But no. Nope. No. It's not enough to stare at the problems, but to even think about it is just too much for most people. And quite frankly it is cause it's all an overwhelming fucked up mess that just needs to be swallowed by a black hole.

I suppose that most people have enough good things going on their lives and enough of their own personal problems, that no one else is going to solve for them.

The bigger the population, smaller is the impact that a single person can make on the world, so most people focus on their own life, their own problems and the good things they have, instead of trying to fix the world, even because everyone knows how fragile and ephemeral life is, or how thousands have died fighting for certain causes through ages of human history and the world is still shit.

Now, add to that the culture of individual satisfaction and consumerism that was been pushed for some time now under capitalism and the general moral bankruptcy of society.

 

[littlelungs]

Everything about the current and future state of the world scares the shit out of me – brutal wars, pandemics, animal farming, global warming, self-driven cars, inflation, population growth, how closely intertwined politics are with the news... obviously there's countless more, but my head is spinning and I'm in a stupid amount of pain.

Not to sound like a Redditor, but a lot of this already feels like a dystopian nightmare, and even if I weren't so physically and mentally screwed up, I still don't think I'd want to be around for this. The other day I saw a video of Chinese drones flying around, telling people (many of whom were standing on their balconies screaming that they were starving) that they are not even allowed to be on their own balconies, and, for lack of a better description, that really, really fucking bothered me.

As long as humans have existed, the world has always been awful and just existing in it makes me feel dirty. Count me out.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

There is nothing like California tree. You can get better street for cheaper than some dispensary's in different states.

 

[noname223]

There is a very famous philosopher called Immanuel Kant. Though if you talk with English speaking fellows about him you have to be very careful. We in Germany pronunce him exactly the same as the word "cunt". I watched a video once online where a professor talked about this anecdote. That people look at you in a weird way if you pronunce him this way.

 

[hungry_ghost]

I want to learn how to sing/scream, and start a metal band.

 

[thatguyakira123]

Was a weird day today. Sleep troubles again. Thought medication helped but my stupid body adjusted to it. Now the pills only make feel numb and controls the fear/ overreacting aspect of my anxiety disorder, but not the rumation part and the fear of the hypotheticals part. Had to take a sleeping pill. Still woke up early. The fucked up part of my mind that wants me to be angry at the only person who likes me, my mom, and at the same time be nice or fear or be courtious to my asshole brother tried to take advantage of my mental strain today. Took everthing within me to not let my stockholm syndrome take over my mind.

It's always a battle in my head. Was supposed to do something about it but instead came on here. It's ironic how SS is labled as something dangerous to people yet here it is, preventing me from doing something.