Random thoughts

[TheHatedOne]

i'll never be able to get over this death.

 

[ghost_]

I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me it'll be ok

 

[Seaghost]

Get the message today that one of the uncles of my Ex died a few days ago.
Sad for her family but imho big luck for that guy. I wish I would be in his place.

 

[littlelungs]

I just watched a Twilight Zone episode about time travel that took place on December 7th. After I watched the episode I switched back to the home screen on my phone and saw that today is December 7th... and now I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. What the fuck.

 

[Manaaja]

A game I have never played has about 30 hours playtime. ^^' I guess I opened it, instantly forgot about it, and left it running. I usually always turn off the computer when I'm not using it, but it must have been one of those days when I didn't for some reason - two times in a row.

 

[Dreamlike Reality]

A game I have never played has about 30 hours playtime. ^^' I guess I opened it, instantly forgot about it, and left it running. I usually always turn off the computer when I'm not using it, but it must have been one of those days when I didn't for some reason - two times in a row.

Something similar happened to me, lol. I started playing OMORI one night, barely made it an hour in and accidentally left it open on my computer for about four days. I have, like, almost 100 hours on my save. Don't know how that happened. I still have yet to finish it.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

"I should really finish those settlements before going any further."

 

[TheHatedOne]

I don't matter and I'm worthless.

 

[Manaaja]

I wish it was mine.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I had a strange thought run through my head that maybe I should actually recover and actively try to make my life better instead of just waiting for it to. I sometimes get intrusive thoughts like these all the time but this particular instant it felt really intense. It terrified me to be honest. I want nothing to do with it all and I can't let that horrible bastard (me) get away with all the horrible shit he's done to me. I know exactly how this would go if I actually acted on it: I'm going to feel fine, maybe even get things going, maybe fall in love with someone new, then I'm going to just have my heart broken again due to my own self sabotage because why should that evil man get to live his life knowingly after he already ruined mine? I hate him I hate him I hate him. He (that's me) needs to die. No doubt about it. The world would be so much better without that monster continuing to exist.

 

[Deleted member 32964]

when I was a toddler, I found a razor in the bathroom. Somehow, I managed to cut myself all over. By the time my father or mother found me, I was covered in blood. I don't remember this time. I remember a time that I nearly drowned in the bathtub. I dunno what that was about - probably just playing with a sharp object while playing with my bath toys.

The choice to commit suicide or self harm for me is not mine. I'm not there when I do this. When I am getting somewhere - (new job/ job interview / taking a test / pay raise / meeting new friends) my self-harm instinct kicks in. I don't believe that my instinct to harm myself is my own. I beleive in demons and bad energy and male entitlement and honor killing and "coming back to get revenge" and that in some communities - these stupid shits really believe that "women are controlled" and property. This has happened to me numerous times when I am happy. A force from inside of me reaches out, taking what is mine - what will set me free and keep me independent and free from others harming and accessing me.

My philosophies will not imress anyone on this forum. You will think that I'm actually crazy. I can't. I don't have anything but a million reasons to list. Nobody would believe me. I believe people fall "into the shadows" when they have offended someone and are crazy-made. I believe in negative presences, positive presences and good and bad people. I believe in a 6th sense. I believe that some peole are literally walked off of cliffs. I believe in hypnotic states that people fall into who can't fend for themselves who are acting in a manner that insn't conscious. I believe in brainwash.

I believe God is what it is. I believe it's a pig that actually kills. I believe it targets gay people, abused children and women and that it favors abusive men and CONTROL. Really. I didn't like God. I thought he was a selfish, man-loving, woman-despising, justice-defending psycho who led me off into the woods to hurt me. I didn't trust him with ANYTHING. I've never had any reason to and never will. He did nothing but exploit, injure, oppress and offer self-harm and self-sacrifice to me.

 

[TheHatedOne]

fuck time.

 

[Manaaja]

I realized that all this time for years I have confused the member count with the post count. I thought we had over 1 million members, but we only have about 20 000.

 

[Deleted member 32964]

I realized that all this time for years I have confused the member count with the post count. I thought we had over 1 million members, but we only have about 20 000.

Less is more. Shit. 1,000,000 contemplating suicide is just too many. We've already got the pandemic. That would just bee too much.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I'm so fucked up that I laugh with tears over misspellings.

 

[Deleted member 32964]

I don't matter and I'm worthless.

You're not worthless. Very few people are uttlery worthless except for maybe Hitler, Ariel Castro, well, you know. That's a worthless person. You aren't those.

I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me it'll be ok

Maybe it will. Maybe not for a day and maybe only for a day and then a lot of pain. Maybe it won't.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

There is that common metaphor about the desire to CTB being comparable to being trapped in the top floor of a burning building with no way out except to jump a fatal height. In this scenario one's choices are severely limited. It's already too late to attempt to put out the fire and it's just going to kill you anyway but at least if you jump it'll hurt slightly less and be over with sooner.

Actually the way I see it, I'm not trapped between jumping out a building and facing an inferno. To me, I feel like my need to CTB is akin to either jumping out of a building, or being trapped in a room filled with millions of cockroaches that will crawl all over me. Unlike the Fire, the cockroaches wouldn't kill me. They'd just crawl on me and cause me to constantly experience terror. This situation is not fatal and yet I'd still even take the fire over this scenario. I'm too terrified of being covered in bugs and no amount of exposure will make me any less afraid. That's just not how I operate when it comes to anything I fear and believe me I've tried exposure therapy. It just keeps me being scared of whatever the thing is.

My innate fear is probably why I will never improve. No amount of treatment will work because I'm even too afraid of that going wrong. In my experience, any time I've let my guard down is the perfect moment for life to instill even more horrors upon me to keep me up at night. My fear is so pervasive that it will never ever allow me to have any lasting peace even if I were to be handed the world on a silver platter. In such a scenario I'd probably still be afraid of it all being taken away and that kind of paranoia would still become all-consuming just like all my other fears.

The only thing I don't fear as much as maybe I should is death, which is why I'm actually quite comfortable with CTB. I have enough faith that if there really is an afterlife, then it doesn't fall under the strict heaven or hell dichotomy and that it's better designed like at the end of The Good Place because that's the only way that makes sense. Either that or nothing happens to us when we die which still means freedom from my own fear to me. Living is like taking the cockroaches. Maybe some people could live with it but I definitely couldn't and even if I could I really REALLY don't want to actually have to do what it takes to even get that far.

 

[Manaaja]

I feel that I'm becoming Gordon Ramsey. This house is too shitty to sleep so I have watched Kitchen Nighmares and other Gordon Ramsey videos. I want to try one of his recipes, but I'm always too sleep deprived. Also this place's window placements and lamp placements suck a cockroach ass, so I can hardly even see what the fuck is going on in the kitchen. It's literally too dark to make food.

Of course 99% of the countries don't have this problem, BECAUSE THE FUCKING SATANDAMN SUN DOESN'T SET AT 3PM!!!!!!!!! The fatherfyucking sun is actually one of the reasons for my insomnia. Imagine that it's 10 am and you haven't slept but you feel like you're just about to fall asleep, but then you remember "Oh shit, the sun will go down at 3pm, I need to do stuff while the sun is still up!" and so you don't sleep but you also can't do anything because you haven't slept. Now imagine a real world. In it the sun goes down at let's say 8pm. You fall asleep at 10 am, sleep eight hours till it's 18 aka 6pm, and you still get 2 hours of sun and light! Honestly who designed this world....

 

[Circles]

If you put your dick in the ground does that mean you're fucking the earth?

 

[littlelungs]

If you put your dick in the ground does that mean you're fucking the earth?

Hah. That dug up an old memory from when I was a kid and I was afraid of getting pregnant (which unfortunately wasn't just a random fear I had) but I didn't really understand how fertility actually worked, so one day I went next door to see a friend (who was about a year older than me) to ask her about it, and long story short she told me that if I ever humped or was humped by a basketball I could get pregnant and have little baby basketballs, that that's how basketballs are made, and that the airhole for the ball was actually just its private parts. Like... what even, lol.

 

[Manaaja]

Hah. That dug up an old memory from when I was a kid and I was afraid of getting pregnant (which unfortunately wasn't just a random fear I had) but I didn't really understand how fertility actually worked, so one day I went next door to see a friend (who was about a year older than me) to ask her about it, and long story short she told me that if I ever humped or was humped by a basketball I could get pregnant and have little baby basketballs, that that's how basketballs are made, and that the airhole for the ball was actually just its private parts. Like... what even, lol.

Things like this is why I think people shouldn't be born with genitals, but instead grow them in adulthood.

And free neuterings for everyone who wants one.

 

[littlelungs]

Just puked up water because I talked "too much" yesterday and am in even more excruciating, nauseating pain than usual.

But sure, life is a gift.

Fun fact: "Gift" in German means "poison". Das Leben ist Gift, kein Geschenk.

 

[Computer Blue]

I shit you not, for the past few days, whenever I check the time, it's ALWAYS 11 minutes past the hour. I don't know if this is just some weird coincidence or if there's something "else" going on here, but it's been consistent enough for me to actually *notice* it and think that it's a little bit strange.

So there's that.

I experienced seeing repeating numbers for over a year - 00, 11, 22 33, 44 55 and I can assure you it is not a coincidence. It happened during a time in my life that I was at absolute rock bottom. A few months prior to that ordeal I was seeing 1234 a lot. I later discovered that what I went through was called The Dark Night of The Soul ... destruction of the ego. My jaw nearly hit the floor when I heard someone describe it. By the way I had never before in my life noticed numbers.
I should only see those numbers about 10% of the time that I look at a clock but it happened more like 50% to 100% of the time when it was really kicking in. It would often happen when I would pick up my phone, walk into a room with a clock or walk in from working outside so it was not my mind or subconscious playing games with me. Often I would think that I must be losing my mind. Sometimes it would stop for a few days and it was VERY obvious that it was no longer happening because I would literally not see them at all.
About 2 weeks ago I was able to take a step forward in improving my state of mind and I think it is over because now I am only seeing them occasionally ... probably around 10% of the time which is normal.
The best I could figure is that the 1234 was warning me that my life was about to change dramatically and the repeating numbers provided comfort and guidance until I was able to heal and get myself back on track.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Two things I've watched recently: Spider-Man No Way Home and South Park: The Return of Covid. Both things were really good overall but they had a sort of similar theme. Without giving too much away, both media handle the question of attempting to redeem evil through forgiveness. One does this in an incredibly satisfying way that makes sense yet it's ultimately kind of…hokey I guess but maybe that's just because I don't ever want to consider the prospect of forgiving myself for the evil things I have done, mostly to myself. The other thing is more realistic but does so in a way that could actually be seen as hypocritical even though it makes sense I guess when you consider all that came before it and yet this ending left me feeling quite hollow even though I know it's true for myself and that's why I need to CTB. I can only hope that one perspective wins over the other and that I never ever have to forgive my own worst abuser: me.

 

[VKVK]

I want to strangle everyone who says Pokémon games are too easy nowadays because I just had my ass handed to me by the leader of the Battle Tower in Brilliant Diamond. It wasn't even in the Master Singles mode either, just regular single battles. I also hate how tough the BP grind is in this game compared to SwSh where anyone can just use the rental team to wipe it.

I guess this extends to games in general. I hate when they're too hard because why the hell should I be wasting my time doing something just as difficult as real life? I hope the next Pokémon game is even easier. Forced exp share and affection but with their effects multiplied by 5. Maybe then I'll finally feel like I can function. Make ev training, nature mints, and bottle caps completely free and available as soon as you start the game. Idgaf

Games are a pretty (if not the most) diverse medium we have nowadays. The room for player-game interaction opens the door to dozens, dozens, dozens of different things. This also means there are different kinds of preferred games for everyone. You may like games on the easier side, and there's nothing wrong with that. Keep in mind that Diamond & Pearl are first and foremost games from 2006, even if the new ones have Exp. Share etc (which is a blessing, and opens the door for more interesting/challenging battles and team formations without spending 10 hours on the Pokemon grindset).

Basically just have fun.
I started writing and noticed I was using this thread as a venting one, so I erased everything.

 

[http-410]

The sun is shining, the sky is clear, and I feel like crap. At least I was able to sleep to some extent without sleeping pills.

 

[verywellthen]

My nose always feels cold when I'm at home, maybe I should start heating more

 

[DeutscheKartoffel]

I'm bringing back random thoughts section to front page.
This thread is clearly superior.

 

[Manaaja]

I'm too tired to move anywhere or do anything.

 

[http-410]

Everything is so incredibly pointless that it is unbearable. My head is about to burst and implode, I have no idea what to do. They always say the same thing, and it always comes down to the same thing. Nothing changes. I can't take this much longer. It's killing me, it's hollowing me out, it's eating me up from the inside.

I'm wasting my time.