Random thoughts

[DeutscheKartoffel]

It's amazes me so much how pretty it looks the way a girl would have brown/dark straight hair, Color their front strands into a much lighter blonde, and wear their hair down naturally..

It looks phenomenal. Such vibes!

Sometimes I kinda wish I'm a girl just so I could have long hair, do highlights with it, without looking gender-cringey.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Great start to my Christmas so far: losing five games in a row in Pokémon Unite when I was pretty close to Master Rank. Oh yeah, and my destructive thoughts to actually start trying are coming back. I hate the Christmas spirit. At least I have eggnog though.

 

[Manaaja]

Imagine going to bed at 00:00, stretching a lot the whole night, and in the end it's 10:00 you never fell asleep, you are more tired than ever, you literally can't even remember your name, and every part of the body hurts like hell and is stone stiff as if you haven't strecthed in ten million years.

I'm definitely gonna be a creature of magic in next life.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Me: "I was very suicidal, but I am now determined to turn my life around and get better!"
Government: "You are now not allowed to enter any public space because you haven't got the COVID vaccine".
Me: "Okay, give me the COVID vaccine"
Government: "No, people can get it at any medical institution as well as several public vaccination centers, but you cannot get it anywhere unless you have medical insurance and/or contract with a specific doctor in a specific hospital. You can only get that in person, on a weekday, at a time any reasonable person would be at work, and how you're supposed to get any time off work is none of our business".
Me: "Okay, whatever, I'll lock myself indoors for the rest of my life, it's not that bad anyway"
Government: "Oh, in other news, you're now conscriptable to war that has a very real posibility of happening soon. Merry fucking Christmas and a Happy New Year!".

I get a feeling some higher powers don't want me to make it through.

 

[TheHatedOne]

It's Chrisstmas and people spend with their loved ones and preach about being good and kind under a warm and safe roof over their heads for 1 day while the 364 other days they are mean pos. But what about those who don't have a shelter and have no one? Can you imagine how heartbteaking the christmas might be for them? Putting myself in their place is absolutely destroying but it's the reality. No one thinks about them ever/

 

[TheHatedOne]

Djdjsjfkakadjsjs government.

 

[SanguineHare]

I wish I could escape this all. My past. My life. Humans were not made for this level of isolation. Sure I have my online friends. I have my pets. But it's not enough. Then I feel guilty for thinking it is not enough to keep me tethered. I had to move to a new town to avoid being homeless and I feel trapped in this place. No car. No way to leave. When my ex tried to murder me no one took it seriously. Some people sided with him and called me a liar for it all.

It's like I'm a red headed Hannah Montana with my double lives. In the end everyone seems to see glimmers of me but never the real me. Unlike Hannah I certainly don't have the best of both worlds. I wish I had a family and offline friends. I wish I could speak openly to the people I care about without being afraid of how they would react. I know they would be scared which is okay because I'm scared too. But they wouldn't know how to handle me if I let all my walls come down.

 

[TheHatedOne]

Why am I scared to do even simple things? Maybe because it always results in failure and suffering ????

 

[http-410]

Contrary to my fears and despite the circumstances, the conversation wasn't even that disastrous, and yet I feel really bad. I don't get it.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I'm sick of this misery and loneliness, I feel like crying.

 

[littlelungs]

I'm so fucking anxious about the fireworks tonight. It's a total crapshoot as to whether it will be relatively mild or sound like a literal warzone outside. It's so insensitive to animals and people with PTSD and noise sensitivities.

The shutters are closed and I will have my noise-cancelling headphones, take some anti-anxiety medication and stay under my blankets.

Fuck fireworks, and fuck PTSD and ME/CFS, too, while we're at it.

New Years makes me sad... yet another year has gone by and I've only gotten worse. On the bright side, it will probably be my last.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Out of a mix of curiosity and desperation, after learning about r/suicidewatch I made a reddit account with a throwaway email and posted there. I got personal messages from two people and had a pleasant and civil (if not very helpful) chat with both of them. Within 15 minutes of conversation one of them admitted to being a diagnosed psychopath who does not have a sense of empathy, and the other one admitted to being an actual sadist that gets off to the pain of others. So yeah. Reddit is the most fascinating social platform I've used so far. The sadist guy is fun to talk to and has a real good music taste, if I don't CTB today might come back for a chat with him even though it suspiciously tilts more and more towards a very messed up roleplay.

 

[TheHatedOne]

What is the end?

 

[TheHatedOne]

How tf do they get cars inside malls?

 

[8AEM]

Huperzine A is pretty cool. It made me dream last night.

 

[Mixo]

I miss smoking weed when I wanted to zone out. Not to mention it was legal where I was from.

I also miss drinking once in a while. I used to get totally hammered when I was rubbertramping it. That was just to cope. I guess now would be the same. To cope.

Man, I miss drinking and smoking.

 

[TheHatedOne]

i want to be hu... no, i want to curl up into a ball and die.

 

[8AEM]

I wish I could sleep without waking up in the middle of the night.

 

[TheHatedOne]

Ah, alcohol, my long time buddy. A dangerous one.

 

[Lefty]

I wish I could sleep without waking up in the middle of the night.

This

 

[DeutscheKartoffel]

I categorise countries into four categories,

"The Heavenly",

"The can't complain",

"The country where mainstream humans show no interests in"


and then there's the country
that's
Literally "can't complain"
or I'm about get violated/killed type.

If you don't get killed, u would still want to kill yourself for not having a way to escape away.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I hate to even see people who hurt me in the past. Somehow it always happens when I feel a bit okayish than usual.

 

[Manaaja]

The Spiderman 1 movie (the old trilogy with Bully Maguire) begins with Peter saying "The woman I've loved since before I even liked girls". So, Mary is a transwoman?

"Mary, I love you, as a man loves a man."
"I'm actually a transwoman"
"Shit, I already told everyone I was gay. Well, never mind that. In that case, I'll love you as a man loves a woman."

He then continues by saying "Heck, I'd even take him" about a random guy. That Chad Guire really went from an innocent demisexualgay to allosexual. I could write a naughty doujinshi about this.

Spoiler: A very good NSFW movie plot for Spiderman :)

Imagine a movie where Peter only loves Mary the transwoman, but she doesn't give a fuck about him, then he succumbs to depression and starts asking out random guys and girls in metros and buses, but everyone rejects him and he gets banned from entering public transport. So he becomes evil, eats a spider, gets his Spiderman powers, and uses them to do evil. Like webbing random people on dark alleys, hehehe. Finally he is beaten by Doctor Octo-Pussy who, as a person who has a good and loving relationship with his wife and doesn't fuck everything that moves, teaches him the meaning of true love. Spiderman first tries to steal O-pussy's tenctacles, but after being beaten by him, loses his Spiderman web powers by ejaculating all the webbing inside him out at once, and becomes an eunuch. Now that he is a powerless eunuch he can't resist (I don't mean romantically) Octo anymore, so he forfeits, and starts his healing process, he no longer desires other people and he has no superpowers anymore, and starts living like a regular guy and studying science. Later he meets Otto again, Otto (who never found out Parker is Spiderman), thinks Peter has potential to be a good scientist who can invent many great things, and hires Peter as his apprentice. The End.

The second movie is about Otto one day 8 years later on a really drunken party night remembering that Spiderman had wanted to steal his "tentacles" to do naughty things. So he starts doing naughty things with the tentacles in public, and now it's Peter who has to use his Eunuch powers to defeat lust once and for all. Octo's wife divorces him, Peter marries her and finally when Peter has a chance to get consentual sex, he refuses it, since he prefers being a good Eunuch. Tying nicely with the first movie where he lusted after Mary for 5 years and after getting rejected started trying to get everyone.

What happens to Octo? Well, heeeee........ I don't know. Maybe he gets thrown into a lake, and Peter thinks he drowned, but he actually drifted along the river, until he was found by Mary and her newest Chad friend. Octo got his head hit (in the fight, or hit a river rock), has an amnesia, doesn't remember Peter, Spidy or his wife anymore and starts a new life in which he helps (consentually) people with disabilities with his tenctacle arms.

 

[TheHatedOne]

Yeah... Life is a gift... Having to clean the toilet and do other disgusting and boring stuff only for it to return to how it was after some days is clearly a gift I'm thankful to have /s

 

[Trjan]

I forgot how fun it was opening Pokemon packs with your friends again. I'm so glad things like that get pushed in our direction once in every while.

 

[TheHatedOne]

i hate that im so indecisive, I don't know if I should do it or not, I weigh the pros and cons and still would do it even if there would be more cons than pros. I don't know, I'd also consider the saying ''trying never hurts'' but whenever I tried it was a failure. Realistically I don't think that much would happen but I still cant decide.

Also why tf I can't find any true crime videos to watch.

 

[Mixo]

Lost most of my crypto portfolio due to downturn in both stock/crypto markets and yet I don't care at all. Repairing my miserable health issues, one sign of progress at a time has been worth its fucking weight in gold. If I ever fully/mostly recover, I will seize my life with gripping ferocity and never take it for granted ever again.

Some people you just can't help. Some people don't want to be helped. Some people might have their own reasons for not choosing a traditional model of recovery and that is fine. Some people are just beyond reason and rationality. All of these are fine.

I'd fucking kill for a decent Mexican burrito right about now.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've been ruminating a lot more lately about how my life seemed to go so wrong in a very purposeful and intentional way. It feels too specific to chalk it all up to coincidence but then if my downfall really was planned, then by who? The most likely answer is myself because I'm the only one I know who hates me this much, enough to ruin my life. I'd also be the only one with the knowledge to figure out when and where to attack.

The problem with this theory though is that I feel like I'd be too stupid for this. I often joke to myself that if I ever discover a means to time travel that I'd travel to whatever exact moment I'm thinking this but the issue is right now I can't remember any of those exact moments to travel to so even if I ever did end up getting time travel I'd never remember exactly where to go to in order to prove it to myself.

So who else could possibly hate me this much while having access to all this knowledge about where/when exactly to attack? The only answer that makes sense to me right now is my potential future offspring. I can totally see myself being a horrible enough parent to have messed up their lives somehow in a way that makes them bitter enough to wish they were never born. It's so clear to me that they know the only way to prevent their suffering is to ensure they're never born by ensuring I never even get the chance to mate in any capacity.

They know that it's not enough to simply change who I meet, they have to make it impossible for me to get with anyone. Vasectomies are unfortunately not an option either since I'd probably never agree to one and they're somewhat reversible anyway. My horrible lizard instincts ensure that as long as I have the possibility of finding a mate then my children will have to be born and my future children must know this by the time they grow up.

That's why my death this year will be in honor of them. It's the only thing I could possibly do to save them, by ensuring they never get to exist and thus never have to suffer at my evil hands. If I don't die this year then everyone should be very worried because a world with me in it is a world where misery and suffering continues. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better father, a better human being while being alive.

 

[TheHatedOne]

still thinking about that moment yesterday when I was thinking intensely about my final days, death and after death when suddenly a pigeon appeared at my window, stopping these thoughts.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Why I can't just sleep? Why does it have to be either "I'm a walking rotting corpse and have worms eating me alive" genuine nightmares or "I spill red wine all over my imaginary date's white dress and the white restaurant tablecloth, my date is disgusted and suddenly I don't have money to pay back the restaurant and somehow my mother appears and starts commenting on how this always happens to me cause I'm a loser" anxiety dreams? Does this mean I constantly have high adrenaline in my blood, so whenever I go to sleep my poor confused brain tries to come up with a random explanation for why I'm so damn scared and anxious all the time?