Random thoughts

[Rukia]

Still afraid to call the doc...bored, paranoid...attraction of the day:drinking, brother messaged my probably out of pity lol...

yea thats the plan for the next 40 years... but maybe I am ungrateful...when the voices in my head I though was God himself told me I am to die I begged them for another day...lool...
Wish I still believed in God...

Still an hour to reply but I think I will search for another lawyer...

 

[RM5998]

Still afraid to call the doc...bored, paranoid...attraction of the day:drinking, brother messaged my probably out of pity lol...

yea thats the plan for the next 40 years... but maybe I am ungrateful...when the voices in my head I though was God himself told me I am to die I begged them for another day...lool...
Wish I still believed in God...

Still an hour to reply but I think I will search for another lawyer...

Give me another... checks clock... 5 hours or so, and I'll join you in the drinking. My day has been pretty dramatic, but I'd like to not have to remember my fuckups...

 

[Rukia]

What will you drink? I am drinking beer...

 

[omoidarui]

Note to self, don't get to 400 posts otherwise i have to wear that puke green (no offense those who have it but...)

 

[RM5998]

What will you drink? I am drinking beer...

Vodka. Orange flavored.

 

[Rukia]

Vodka. Orange flavored.

Yea, I am thinking about buying some vodka too...to get really wasted lol...Maybe nut flavoured or quince flavoured...

 

[not_a_robot]

Yeah, i hope i dont grow older and regret not ctbing right at this age when im young. id rather do it now then grow and go through more shit and end up doing what im gonna do in life later on instead of now. fuck.

lol you're describing my life. At least twice a year I suffer some devastating humiliation (shit so bad you wouldn't believe if I told you) bad enough to make me ctb, yet every year SI is stronger, determination not to give in to tormentors grows stronger, and desperate wish that I had just done it when I was a kid and spared myself so much misery grows stronger. It basically feels like a tornado in my head, chest and stomach all the time.
I think I'll be calm when I have my method though.

 

[RM5998]

Yea, I am thinking about buying some vodka too...to get really wasted lol...Maybe nut flavoured or quince flavoured...

I tried apple flavored scented vodka yesterday night... there was very little flavor in it. However, I did go on a rant about our college psychiatrist to an acquaintance I was with at the time. So... yeah.

 

[Rukia]

Ok, send my questions to another lawyer, hope I wouldnt be treated as a prankster...
But, but...maybe thats who I am...My whole life as a big prank...better than train wreck lool...

 

[pole]

lol you're describing my life. At least twice a year I suffer some devastating humiliation (shit so bad you wouldn't believe if I told you) bad enough to make me ctb, yet every year SI is stronger, determination not to give in to tormentors grows stronger, and desperate wish that I had just done it when I was a kid and spared myself so much misery grows stronger. It basically feels like a tornado in my head, chest and stomach all the time.
I think I'll be calm when I have my method though.

you've probably heard this 1000 times, but im genuinly sorry you went through that shit. hope you find the peace that you're looking for.

 

[not_a_robot]

you've probably heard this 1000 times, but im genuinly sorry you went through that shit. hope you find the peace that you're looking for.

Lol no, most people just call me a liar because my life is so shitty it just seems preposterous, so thank you, and you too.

 

[pole]

Lol no, most people just call me a liar because my life is so shitty it just seems preposterous, so thank you, and you too.

just another bunch of little shits who are too lazy and inhumane to attempt to understand, be sympathetic and show compassion to another person struggling; thus go the easy route and just dismiss whatever their going through as nothing. typical people who have such a great life, that they think that's the norm for others as well. sad.

 

[Rukia]

Should have bought the vodka...I cannot read longer texts today even here...schizophrenia sucks ppl!
Want to start my memoir with "I had a farm in Africa, at the foot of the Ngong Hills " always liked this citation from Karen Blixen...

Probably would never finish the memoir...too stupefied for that...

I dreamt about sending to one of my former friends a xerox of my hospital discharge papers...lol...probably wouldnt reply anyway...

 

[RM5998]

Should have bought the vodka...I cannot read longer texts today even here...schizophrenia sucks ppl!
Want to start my memoir with "I had a farm in Africa, at the foot of the Ngong Hills " always liked this citation from Karen Blixen...

Probably would never finish the memoir...too stupefied for that...

I dreamt about sending to one of my former friends a xerox of my hospital discharge papers...lol...probably wouldnt reply anyway...

I've got my bottle out, haven't poured one yet. Let's see when I need it...

 

[sadsoul]

I know probably nothing comes after death but I'm secretly hoping there's a utopian afterlife to make up for this dystopian hellworld. Would sure be nice...

 

[Rukia]

I wonder if it is true that alcohol deepens the mood you are in...Became depressed...Time to go to sleep...Time for my adventure...

 

[RM5998]

I wonder if it is true that alcohol deepens the mood you are in...Became depressed...Time to go to sleep...Time for my adventure...

I guess it does... My mood certainly becomes blacker when I drink.

It's just 10pm now... It's not even close to being time. I sleep at 3am most of the time, need to start drinking at 12.

 

[Rukia]

Wow you have everything planned...even drinking starts at certain time...

 

[RM5998]

Wow you have everything planned...even drinking starts at certain time...

Well, a friend swallowed part of my vodka... I don't know if that's a bad thing, given the fact that I don't have any food. I certainly don't get to be any higher than this, that's for sure.

EDIT: And already it isn't enough.

UPDATE: We got whiskey, it's okay.

Yeah, I'm drunk again. I have whiskey left, so I can maintain this.

 

[Rukia]

Do you drink it straight?

 

[Pilum Muralis]

I'm getting so tired of answering "what's wrong?" this week.
It's the same thing that's been wrong with me the last time you asked.....

I need a thought bubble over my head, just playing this image over and over.

 

[RM5998]

Do you drink it straight?

The vodka? No. Couldn't stand the orange flavor. The whiskey? Yeah, that's neat.

EDIT: Okay, I'm hammered, but I'm the least hammered person in the room. I've mixed some water into the whiskey so that I don't puke.

The only sober person went to bed. There's three drunk people in the room... This is a bad idea.

EDIT 2: I'm trying to make sure we stay in our room. Somehow despite my drunkenness, I haven't talked about this place. This is the only record I'll have of what the fuck I did when I was being a fucking idiot.

 

[Pilum Muralis]

"Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life." ~ George Bernard Shaw

 

[SinisterKid]

I just dont know anymore. Today I do, tomorrow I dont and its this loop continuously. I have what I need, so why the hesitation when I have been so adamant of late?

 

[RM5998]

I don't want to take a bath and go to work, I just want to drink my face off. I woke up an hour back at 9 AM. The first thing I did was drink the whiskey I didn't finish last night. Doesn't look like a good sign when this is the end of my 3rd week at office.

Well, staying at home isn't an option, so... yeah. I need to clean up, become presentable. FML.

 

[blanketyblk]

could do what i have done, and been put on forced 2 week vacation from work.. without pay i might add :( grrr

 

[RM5998]

Well, I'm at work, with a water bottle filled with diluted whiskey, and reduced motor control... There's an hour to go for lunch.

 

[Morphinekiss]

I thought for sure I would sleep tonight, but then the panic and worry flooded in the minute the room went dark and now I'm awake, crying, and so lost.

 

[blanketyblk]

heading off tonight going camping, out at my jump spot. not not jumping tonight :- but such a lovely place to setup camp for the night. i brought myself a cello today!! woohoo so i've packing my cello, violin, telescope and heading out. going to have a musical night with a campfire going paying music. haven't done this for YEARS!...

 

[Morphinekiss]

heading off tonight going camping, out at my jump spot. not not jumping tonight :- but such a lovely place to setup camp for the night. i brought myself a cello today!! woohoo so i've packing my cello, violin, telescope and heading out. going to have a musical night with a campfire going paying music. haven't done this for YEARS!...

This sounds magical. A cello is one of my favorite sounds ever.