Random thoughts

[Kuolema]

The past and the future are illusions based on a misunderstanding of the present. This is all that exists. The right here and the right now. I love myself, not in an egotistical overexagerated way. Rather just as a Human being just like everybody else on this strange and beautiful planet. You may not believe it now, but I know that you will feel this way one day too. The mathematics make it inevitable. Peace.

 

[Morphinekiss]

My spidey senses detected a spanking conversation

Actually I think that's what I really need, a good hard impact scene so all the stress can float away while the endorphins are released.

And a bullet to the left side of my face so my nerves stops hurting.

 

[RM5998]

Glad to know I missed the conversation trying to figure out the origins of our sexual eccentricities. But I do understand the longing for approval from a parent who will not give it.

I guess that it's shaped my idea of love as well - I will never want a relationship with a girl I like because I know that it will devolve into me seeking some form of control over her. And that's the kind of person I don't want to be.

 

[Orin]

Kinda sickens me how i need to act like a pro-lifer in front of my family to pretend i'm no longer having ideations. But hey, if i want to exit like a ninja, it has to be done.

 

[Morphinekiss]

Finally had my breakdown. All the shit from the last month has gotten to me.

I feel isolate. Alone. I may vanish from everywhere.

 

[RM5998]

It's funny, the day I want to CTB the most is also the day I have the most work to do. A competition, a placement test, a training assignment - all on the day I just want to hang myself immediately. And to top it off, I don't have anything to hang myself with.

 

[Nem]

It's funny, the day I want to CTB the most is also the day I have the most work to do. A competition, a placement test, a training assignment - all on the day I just want to hang myself immediately. And to top it off, I don't have anything to hang myself with.

Hugs...DEATH!!!

L

 

[RM5998]

Hugs...DEATH!!!
❤
L

Been ages since I last saw you...
And yes... DEATH!

 

[lilyeehaw]

Thought I was ready to ctb tonight but woke up thinking I should stay a little longer. Does this happen to anyone else?

 

[Bagger]

Thought I was ready to ctb tonight but woke up thinking I should stay a little longer. Does this happen to anyone else?

almost every other day

 

[not_a_robot]

Thought I was ready to ctb tonight but woke up thinking I should stay a little longer. Does this happen to anyone else?

You're in Scotland. Have a nap and an Irn Bru!
Feel better.

 

[RM5998]

Thought I was ready to ctb tonight but woke up thinking I should stay a little longer. Does this happen to anyone else?

I keep dreading that feeling, because it keeps me stranded here. I can neither tolerate my existence, nor escape it.

You're in Scotland. Have a nap and an Irn Bru!
Feel better.

Might as well mix some Scotch into that. I'm planning to get something along those lines to help me CTB. Much cheaper, of course. I'm a broke student in a 3rd world country living in a big city in expensive real estate.

 

[Morphinekiss]

I'm just going to ignore this chest pain and take a rain nap

 

[RM5998]

I was wondering if I should bother with trying to finish my coding test in C to get competitive execution times, or just go in Python and try to actually finish it.

And then I remember that I'll probably suck at both, because I'm bad at competitive coding in general.

 

[Going Home]

I am not active on social media. I hope the persons who has taken my pictures, made statements about my looks, and is posting what they think I'm thinking drops dead.

 

[deltahead]

i keep fantasizing about dying. what if i took SN today? what if i found a great, isolated place to drop hang from? what if i got killed by a mob while trying to save someone from being beaten or kidnapped? what if i got sick and died alone? in fact, i always have. i always thought i'd die very young, i occupied myself with these thoughts even as a child. to have lived this long feels like sin. like i'm disgusting for it. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. should i get a job and save up money for SN? i can't even tell if that's a smart idea. but i don't know how i'd get one or even if i can. and if i talked to my parents about it, the thought would suddenly become theirs rather than mine and become intolerable. last year someone told me "you won't just magically die", in an attempt to be the "tough love friend" i guess, and to this day i can't get over this. it feels incredibly damning and horrifying to think about. i've been practicing nooses and partial hangings this entire month just to prove to myself i don't want to be alive. it's ridiculous. i don't want to pretend i'm normal. i don't want to give into my own brain chemistry and my family's desires. i don't want to get together with some equally desperate woman in some mutual misery fest that lasts for decades. guess i'll just go back to hanging myself in the closet every night, trying to get close to passing out. i look so stupid and gross doing it. i shouldn't be here. i massively regret living past my pre-teen years.

 

[pole]

i keep fantasizing about dying. what if i took SN today? what if i found a great, isolated place to drop hang from? what if i got killed by a mob while trying to save someone from being beaten or kidnapped? what if i got sick and died alone? in fact, i always have. i always thought i'd die very young, i occupied myself with these thoughts even as a child. to have lived this long feels like sin. like i'm disgusting for it. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. should i get a job and save up money for SN? i can't even tell if that's a smart idea. but i don't know how i'd get one or even if i can. and if i talked to my parents about it, the thought would suddenly become theirs rather than mine and become intolerable. last year someone told me "you won't just magically die", in an attempt to be the "tough love friend" i guess, and to this day i can't get over this. it feels incredibly damning and horrifying to think about. i've been practicing nooses and partial hangings this entire month just to prove to myself i don't want to be alive. it's ridiculous. i don't want to pretend i'm normal. i don't want to give into my own brain chemistry and my family's desires. i don't want to get together with some equally desperate woman in some mutual misery fest that lasts for decades. guess i'll just go back to hanging myself in the closet every night, trying to get close to passing out. i look so stupid and gross doing it. i shouldn't be here. i massively regret living past my pre-teen years.

Yeah, i hope i dont grow older and regret not ctbing right at this age when im young. id rather do it now then grow and go through more shit and end up doing what im gonna do in life later on instead of now. fuck.

 

[262653]

I hate that roleplaying videogames promote subservience. Said "fuck you" to annoying lady --- goodbye, a series of side quests with prominent reward.

 

[namelessX8]

i wanna reincarnate as a cute east asian girl

 

[Morphinekiss]

Handsome Eastern European dentist gave me the best hug today.

My writing professor once told me to get sober, that I was too talented to die before I became published. He's publishing his book and I got a copy in the mail today. Inside the cover he wrote "now where's yours?" Damnit, now I can't ctb until I finish my book.

 

[RM5998]

i keep fantasizing about dying. what if i took SN today? what if i found a great, isolated place to drop hang from? what if i got killed by a mob while trying to save someone from being beaten or kidnapped? what if i got sick and died alone? in fact, i always have. i always thought i'd die very young, i occupied myself with these thoughts even as a child. to have lived this long feels like sin. like i'm disgusting for it. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. should i get a job and save up money for SN? i can't even tell if that's a smart idea. but i don't know how i'd get one or even if i can. and if i talked to my parents about it, the thought would suddenly become theirs rather than mine and become intolerable. last year someone told me "you won't just magically die", in an attempt to be the "tough love friend" i guess, and to this day i can't get over this. it feels incredibly damning and horrifying to think about. i've been practicing nooses and partial hangings this entire month just to prove to myself i don't want to be alive. it's ridiculous. i don't want to pretend i'm normal. i don't want to give into my own brain chemistry and my family's desires. i don't want to get together with some equally desperate woman in some mutual misery fest that lasts for decades. guess i'll just go back to hanging myself in the closet every night, trying to get close to passing out. i look so stupid and gross doing it. i shouldn't be here. i massively regret living past my pre-teen years.

I regret living this long too... I wish I was less of a coward. If I could've just bitten down on my lip and not let my brain go off the chain, I might be dead.

I hate that roleplaying videogames promote subservience. Said "fuck you" to annoying lady --- goodbye, a series of side quests with prominent reward.

I'm the other type - I prefer to have authority figures tell me what to do, so that I don't have to take responsibility for myself. But said authority figures need to not be completely stupid, or else I won't listen.

 

[omoidarui]

i have 420 likes

four twenny blaise it up !!! Lololo

 

[RM5998]

I'm drinking again today... the vodka only smells of apples, doesn't taste of them. Thankfully I'd written down all the important stuff before downing this. I've only had lunch today, because the food in my place is mostly inedible. And I need to go to work tomorrow and start on my actual project... Yikes. To top it off, we need to develop a solution to an unsolved problem from scratch. How am I supposed to be responsible for something like that when I can barely take responsibility for myself?

I stayed at work till 9 instead of 6 so that I don't have to come back home and feel that I failed to get anything done... At least I got to hear my seniors in the office talk about random hilarious bullshit. Why my happiness level for the day is tied to whether the code I wrote executed or not is beyond me. I wish I could make it depend on something else... thankfully I managed to get something to work today. I don't want to have spent a week and a half on an assignment that should've taken a week, just because of how dense I am.

I hope I get to forget what I did while drunk today. I don't want to remember typing this stupid shit. I don't want to remember being this attention-seeking cunt that I am now. But odds are, I will. See you around, peeps.

 

[namelessX8]

Handsome Eastern European dentist gave me the best hug today.

My writing professor once told me to get sober, that I was too talented to die before I became published. He's publishing his book and I got a copy in the mail today. Inside the cover he wrote "now where's yours?" Damnit, now I can't ctb until I finish my book.

I know how you feel. I can't ctb until I finish my PhD...

 

[Morphinekiss]

This place is starting remind me why I quit teaching high school

 

[blanketyblk]

it's 11 degrees outside and it's raining and I'm out of firewood for my fire but can't be stuffed going out and cutting some up. or buying it.. bloody hell. will just have to rug up

 

[RM5998]

Since I'm a complete idiot, I used chmod -R 777 / instead of chmod -R 777 . on my office laptop.

Time to spend a day fixing my permissions.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

Since I'm a complete idiot, I used chmod -R 777 / instead of chmod -R 777 . on my office laptop.

Time to spend a day fixing my permissions.

Sorry, I laughed ;)

 

[Rukia]

I am bored, drinking already...And yesterday was supposed to be the alcohol goodbye day...The lawyer I consulted online probably ignored me...still has 2 hours to reply but probably thought it is a prank...

Didnt call the doc about my thyroid tablets...dont care lol...
But already feel I dont take this hormones, I have this constant need to eat sth sweet...:(

EDIT:Thanks @Kikoo Loool for the sad emoji...made me think about my life...maybe should call the doc...But I am ashamed as I recently didnt show up and it is a private doc so he lost money...dont know if he will write a prescription for me...

 

[RM5998]

Sorry, I laughed ;)

Thankfully, I have it working again. I'm the only user here and I'm not really doing anything too scary, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it's fine to deal with the future errors as and when they come.