It points upward, and I'm crushed

[ElTopo]

I couldn't go to work today because I felt so crushed by everything, it's no problem because I have stored off-days.
Today I dreamt that my car was out of gas and I dreamt the same thing yesterday, I wonder if it's a sign of something but my car is really out of gas.
I feel so weighted down and full of all these things, I can't keep up and I wish I had someone who could take interest in it, but I don't and all the words keep inside and they all point upward as if in a prayer for something to happen. I don't think I'll ever recover, I have it in me to sustain this life but I will always keep a passive suicidality, wishing for all this mess to be over. To simply go on wouldn't make sense, you can't forget years and years of that and just go on as if something didn't happen, that's like tax fraud remission but people won't understand, personal life needs justice in itself.

In a way I feel like I had to go through this life, that's a belief I hold, we are here for reasons but I just wish my life had already exhausted its purpose. There's nothing that could make me sincerely happy, not even having a wife and kids, I will still hold that inside, that wish that life had been different.
I made a lot of mistakes but I just wish God or whatever else could let me off the hook already.

I live in a very earthquake dense place, they have been getting worse and worse every year. Everyday I kinda wish for the bigger one, the one that will finally put an end to this, but it's wrong because a lot of other people will die, so whatever, a heart attack seems fine enough, or a car crash, as long as I'm the only one involved.

I wish I could speak to a higher power of sorts to make my case, but at the end no one ever responds because that's not how it works and all that, but I still have this impending need, it's like hunger of thirst, it's not just dreaming and hoping, I have a need for something destructive and redemptive to happen to me.

 

[istherehope]

I understand you, I feel the same. I feel like my purpose is gone now, so why should I stay ? I also try to talk to a higher power but I don't have any replies (I mean, obviously I guess). I'm beginning to think it's just a meaningless void here.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I've dreamt of things which happen around the same time... from a terminal program I ran finishing, to a post from here about argon gas, some clever tip was given by whoever replied in my dream... and while the reply from the real user was different, there were replies iirc.

I've also sometimes wished that something external finalises my existence quickly, tho the wish has faded a bit and turned to occasional wishes to escape-from-annoyances.

Sometimes the 'response' from a higher power is feeling better (when praying to feel better or smth).