I have never been particularly happy or had anything that felt like it was worth living for. They told me, growing up, that I would figure it out and that it would come together later, but I'm in my mid-30s now, and I do see things differently, but only in that I am more certain than ever that there is nothing for me in this life. As a younger man, I had my own inexperience to doubt, but now I understand that everything is just as hard or harder than I thought it was, and the advice that things would be different later was informed by survivorship bias.
It's all so difficult. Having work, staying afloat, making friends, being in a relationship. It's so overwhelming, and no matter how long I do it, I never have any more to show for it. With each passing year I have less prospects for advancing my station in life, fewer friends, an ever-widening distance from the few that I have, a murkier memory of what it was like to be in a relationship. I just don't see any possibility of having any of the things that I want in life, and telling this to anyone only brings them down and drives them away. It just feels like the only logical answer is to quit while I'm ahead and know that I still had some of my dignity - that I didn't give all of myself to a world that never had a place for me. I remember feeling like I was close, like I could just keep going from one day to the next and enjoy the time I had with the people I loved and find opportunities and things to explore and that I would eventually meet the right person, but it has been a long time since I felt that, and it feels more and more like an impossible detail from a half-remembered dream. I am so tired of feeling the way I have always felt and that I believe I will always feel. I want even a glimmer of hope, but I cannot reconcile that ideal with the reality I have come to understand.
Look past, de-focus
Never could do Magic Eyes
Just an ugly mess
It's all so difficult. Having work, staying afloat, making friends, being in a relationship. It's so overwhelming, and no matter how long I do it, I never have any more to show for it. With each passing year I have less prospects for advancing my station in life, fewer friends, an ever-widening distance from the few that I have, a murkier memory of what it was like to be in a relationship. I just don't see any possibility of having any of the things that I want in life, and telling this to anyone only brings them down and drives them away. It just feels like the only logical answer is to quit while I'm ahead and know that I still had some of my dignity - that I didn't give all of myself to a world that never had a place for me. I remember feeling like I was close, like I could just keep going from one day to the next and enjoy the time I had with the people I loved and find opportunities and things to explore and that I would eventually meet the right person, but it has been a long time since I felt that, and it feels more and more like an impossible detail from a half-remembered dream. I am so tired of feeling the way I have always felt and that I believe I will always feel. I want even a glimmer of hope, but I cannot reconcile that ideal with the reality I have come to understand.
Look past, de-focus
Never could do Magic Eyes
Just an ugly mess
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