Like probably most of you all, I've been severely depressed and suicidal for most of my life. I've tried to end it multiple times and I've self harmed on and off for years. There's a ton of different shit that contributes to why I'm miserable, a lot of it's out of my control and unlikely to get better. One of those things is the absolute dogshit job market/economy that most of us are living in. I managed to get a seasonal job this summer when whoever they originally hired for the position backed out at the last moment and they needed someone to fill in very suddenly. I doubt I would have gotten the job if it hadn't been that exact scenario.
Anyway, that job involved me living hundreds of miles away from my hometown in a place that I have always wanted to visit, so getting to live there for a few months was like a dream come true. It was so freeing being away from my shitty, ugly, crowded suburban hellhole hometown and my incredibly judgmental family. They still constantly harassed me over text, but it was not nearly as bad as having them physically breathing down my neck like they do when I'm at home.
My days off were some of the most fun I've ever had in my entire life. I got to explore some incredibly beautiful places and do some incredibly fun things that I could never do in my hometown. The workdays were long and physically demanding, but most of the work I did was interesting, and I was never doing the same thing every day. I lived by myself in a little cabin, I cooked for myself, I did whatever I wanted in my free time. It was the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. It was a very rural area but not too far from a town with the necessities and a few nice stores and restaurants. The silence and the pristine night skies were so calming.
It was temporary though and sometimes I'd get this lingering feeling of dread knowing that I'd have to go back home eventually. I'm back at home in my incredibly dull, loud, polluted hometown now with my family breathing down my neck, but it doesn't feel like home anymore. I just want to go back to where I was working far away from here. I guess my stress/depression isn't as bad as it was before I did that job, but I still feel depressed and like I'm in the wrong place. I'm in grad school now, and I don't particularly enjoy it. It doesn't feel fulfilling, and I don't have the same rabid career ambitions that evidently everyone else in my classes do. I don't want to be a world famous researcher or inventor or whatever, I just want to be happy and try to make the world a little better for even just one living creature. I just want to go back to a place that felt like home even though I was only there for a little while. It feels like I got a free trial of what life could be like someday and now I just have to live back in my old depressed state and hope I can get back there someday.
Anyway, that job involved me living hundreds of miles away from my hometown in a place that I have always wanted to visit, so getting to live there for a few months was like a dream come true. It was so freeing being away from my shitty, ugly, crowded suburban hellhole hometown and my incredibly judgmental family. They still constantly harassed me over text, but it was not nearly as bad as having them physically breathing down my neck like they do when I'm at home.
My days off were some of the most fun I've ever had in my entire life. I got to explore some incredibly beautiful places and do some incredibly fun things that I could never do in my hometown. The workdays were long and physically demanding, but most of the work I did was interesting, and I was never doing the same thing every day. I lived by myself in a little cabin, I cooked for myself, I did whatever I wanted in my free time. It was the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. It was a very rural area but not too far from a town with the necessities and a few nice stores and restaurants. The silence and the pristine night skies were so calming.
It was temporary though and sometimes I'd get this lingering feeling of dread knowing that I'd have to go back home eventually. I'm back at home in my incredibly dull, loud, polluted hometown now with my family breathing down my neck, but it doesn't feel like home anymore. I just want to go back to where I was working far away from here. I guess my stress/depression isn't as bad as it was before I did that job, but I still feel depressed and like I'm in the wrong place. I'm in grad school now, and I don't particularly enjoy it. It doesn't feel fulfilling, and I don't have the same rabid career ambitions that evidently everyone else in my classes do. I don't want to be a world famous researcher or inventor or whatever, I just want to be happy and try to make the world a little better for even just one living creature. I just want to go back to a place that felt like home even though I was only there for a little while. It feels like I got a free trial of what life could be like someday and now I just have to live back in my old depressed state and hope I can get back there someday.
