kurikaesu
the cause which isn't caused itself by anything
- Mar 15, 2026
- 27
hello, since i started working again a lot of my daily struggles have seemed to relieve themselves. i no longer feel like a financial burden on my family or friends, i feel like i have worth as a human being, i have a distraction, i'm away from home, and i have money. it was like this with the job i had a year ago too, where before i was extremely distressed but once i got a job things became more manageable. i still struggle with some other things a lot, so much so it took me a little while to realize i was recovering at all. for the first two weeks or so of my job i was still in a rough space but now it seems to have leveled itself out a little.
i'm ecstatic about this of course. my job itself is extremely laid back, and i tend to browse this forum, draw, write or read fanfiction in my down time. plus with the bonus of having extra spending money, i'm going shopping by myself this friday as a treat.
one thing that's sorta unfortunate about all of this is it can all go away in a snap of my fingers. if for some reason i get fired or suddenly can't work anymore, the chances of me making it out alive from that are so extremely low. i'd still try for some time to make it work, to try and get another job, but it wouldn't take long for me to heavily consider attempting again. i've already made peace with that, or at least i think so, so hopefully i won't get too torn up about it beyond the initial grief and finally accept death. even when i'm in a good mental space, and i still look forward to death everyday. the days can still be hard, and even today i felt like giving up again, but maybe i really won't die this year like i had thought.
i predicted all of this too. i knew that this would be the best way for me to get better again. however i'm still suicidal and loathe being here. sometimes i think about how much i want to be in that depressed mindset again. if i didn't get better then i'd be gone by now right? i don't really know what i'm alive for right now. i still lack something to keep pushing me forward and easily find myself fantasizing about suicide again. for example, i had the idea to write a note yesterday, and i still often think about testing psh again. i still look for what day in the week would be best suited for me to kill myself.
being in this in-between state causes dramatic shifts in my mood too, and is just as painful to deal with as it was when i was depressed. i wish i could just say "i want it all to end" and be over and done with. sometimes i really hate myself for trying to get better. what am i getting better for? for whom? is it for myself? i don't know. is fantasizing about a better future as good as actually living in that future? is that why i'm choosing to live? that seems to be how it is, considering i'll never see that better future.
i'm ecstatic about this of course. my job itself is extremely laid back, and i tend to browse this forum, draw, write or read fanfiction in my down time. plus with the bonus of having extra spending money, i'm going shopping by myself this friday as a treat.
one thing that's sorta unfortunate about all of this is it can all go away in a snap of my fingers. if for some reason i get fired or suddenly can't work anymore, the chances of me making it out alive from that are so extremely low. i'd still try for some time to make it work, to try and get another job, but it wouldn't take long for me to heavily consider attempting again. i've already made peace with that, or at least i think so, so hopefully i won't get too torn up about it beyond the initial grief and finally accept death. even when i'm in a good mental space, and i still look forward to death everyday. the days can still be hard, and even today i felt like giving up again, but maybe i really won't die this year like i had thought.
i predicted all of this too. i knew that this would be the best way for me to get better again. however i'm still suicidal and loathe being here. sometimes i think about how much i want to be in that depressed mindset again. if i didn't get better then i'd be gone by now right? i don't really know what i'm alive for right now. i still lack something to keep pushing me forward and easily find myself fantasizing about suicide again. for example, i had the idea to write a note yesterday, and i still often think about testing psh again. i still look for what day in the week would be best suited for me to kill myself.
being in this in-between state causes dramatic shifts in my mood too, and is just as painful to deal with as it was when i was depressed. i wish i could just say "i want it all to end" and be over and done with. sometimes i really hate myself for trying to get better. what am i getting better for? for whom? is it for myself? i don't know. is fantasizing about a better future as good as actually living in that future? is that why i'm choosing to live? that seems to be how it is, considering i'll never see that better future.
