Aimless life

[marslov]

Hi. I'm a 26-year-old male, and I'm writing this in the middle of the night because today was an especially painful day.

This year, it feels like everything has been going wrong for me. I'm trying to fight back, seek help, and stay alive, but I've reached a point where it feels like whenever I try to handle my responsibilities, something happens to knock me down again.

I recently ended a very long relationship. I know it was toxic, even though there was love involved. For a long time, she was afraid of being alone, mainly because her friends were drifting away. I was afraid of leaving her alone, too, and in trying to preserve the relationship, I ended up distancing myself significantly from other people.

After we broke up, she found a new group of friends, started going out, and seems to be moving on with her life. I, on the other hand, feel completely stuck and alone.

I've tried meeting people, but I can't seem to make it happen. Realizing I might not be a very attractive guy, I get practically no likes on dating apps, and even when I'm just looking for friendship, I struggle to connect with anyone. Most of my current friends are married and in different stages of life. I talk to them, but I still feel very lonely.

I've been trying to change this situation. I started therapy and got a referral to a psychiatrist due to suspected anxiety, depression, and ADHD. I've also always been agnostic—though I had an affinity for Catholicism—and I decided to let myself explore religion and seek some form of spiritual support.

Despite these efforts, I still feel like everything is going wrong—at work, in my relationships, and within myself. I feel completely alone and inadequate, unsure of how to rebuild my life. I already have a plan for ending it all ready to go, yet there are moments when I feel like I want to live. It's for those moments that I want to change, but it feels like I don't have the right to do so. Have you ever gone through a phase where it seemed like everything was falling apart and there was no way out, yet you managed to turn the situation around? What helped you keep going when you couldn't yet see any improvement?

 

[Vombie12]

Sorry to hear about your relationship, but happy to hear you got out of it if it was toxic. I do hope that life turns around for the good, and that you can find people you genuinely connect with :)
A bit ago I was at my lowest, and had a plan to kill myself, but obvs didn't. I had managed to turn my situation around, but it was extremely hard and partly luck. Getting on Medications helped a bit, but so did trying to understand my triggers/depressive episodes and working hard to avoid them. This is toxic/just a trauma response, but for me maladaptive daydreaming helps a shit ton whenever negative thoughts start to overwhelm me. other than that it was just down to natural life changes and luck. Some things that had helped was music, finding a small support system, journaling and trying to come up with stupid things to take up time- like writing, drawing, walks, research, really whatever you enjoy doing.

 

[NonBinaryPiano]

Leaving a relationship is always rough, especially a toxic one. Losing hope is easy in these hard times, especially with neurodivergence.

And yeah, ive gone through periods of my life like that, especially right before attempts, where I was hopeless, thought nothing would get better, but I didnt die and things did get better. I got out of the situations I was forced into.

A change of scenery helped me, you dont have to move places or anything crazy like that, feeling stuck has you ruminating and in the same locations over and over. I recommend seeking out a local group, I know lots of places have libraries, clubs, etc. that do activities together and can introduce you to new people, new hobbies, and give you more perspective and hope.

Libraries and places like them will even give out event tickets, museums, things like that, even just visiting a new place regularly can help, when I was in my worst place I took walks out in the farmland surrounding where I lived. id look at the scenery, the trees, the little things, there was a deer that'd regularly visit and eat the crops I grew lol.

I know that sounds a bit cliche "its the little things!" but.. depression can have you not noticing how pleasent the places and people around you can be.

These things require effort, as all things do, and I wish you the best with them