Random thoughts

[not_a_robot]

Yikes... For me, damage to the eyes is the scariest thing that could happen. How did yours not get picked up by medical checkups?

Incompetent doctors have been telling me every physical problem I have is imaginary for years. Even when tests confirm it they do no followup and treat me like I'm crazy, faking. Fighting now for more tests, I have to pay for myself. They are famous for this. But only journalists know it, regular people can't read, so...

 

[deltahead]

i desperately want to feel like i'm doing all i can, but always feel paranoid i'm subconsciously sabotaging my own "research" because living is easier and more familiar. the more i learn about every method, the more unreachable it seems, but what if i'm just not trying hard enough? what if i'm being controlled by a part of me that actually likes being a vile, sluggish bottom feeder sitting around all day barely able to keep my eyes open? maybe the endless supply of dull stimuli and food is too comfortable to give up? in desperately trying to fight off this invisible enemy, i walk around all over this town, trying to find any info or materials or even just quiet, secluded places. i waste money on "supplies" i might never find an use for, just to give myself the illusion some progress is being done. people from my family watch me and tell my mom they saw me going into "weird places". one time she followed me around town because i didn't go where i said i was going to. it seems unrealistic to be able to die in this environment, yet i can never know for sure and that possibility always hangs over me. i feel like a wild animal. i know i am one but don't have the intellect necessary to do anything with the knowledge. i want to stop the virus from propagating.

 

[Righttodie]

I think the idea of killing yourself shakes the foundation of what a lot of people have to support themselves and endure all the nonsense life throws at you. They brainwash themselves into believing life is good, the world is beautiful, etc and it is worth fighting for it, but then... Someone chooses to die and that belief is suddenly shaken... If life is so good, why would someone choose to end it sooner? So instead of trying to understand and accept suicide as a normal thing, they choose the easier route: To demonize and condemn the act.

Couldn't have put it any better.

 

[RM5998]

i desperately want to feel like i'm doing all i can, but always feel paranoid i'm subconsciously sabotaging my own "research" because living is easier and more familiar. the more i learn about every method, the more unreachable it seems, but what if i'm just not trying hard enough? what if i'm being controlled by a part of me that actually likes being a vile, sluggish bottom feeder sitting around all day barely able to keep my eyes open? maybe the endless supply of dull stimuli and food is too comfortable to give up? in desperately trying to fight off this invisible enemy, i walk around all over this town, trying to find any info or materials or even just quiet, secluded places. i waste money on "supplies" i might never find an use for, just to give myself the illusion some progress is being done. people from my family watch me and tell my mom they saw me going into "weird places". one time she followed me around town because i didn't go where i said i was going to. it seems unrealistic to be able to die in this environment, yet i can never know for sure and that possibility always hangs over me. i feel like a wild animal. i know i am one but don't have the intellect necessary to do anything with the knowledge. i want to stop the virus from propagating.

I remember feeling suspicious of my incompetence when I was researching partial and failing to get it right... that idea of wondering whether that's the side of you that wants to keep rotting in bed an sucking up other people's resources that is forcing you to be stupid at figuring this out. I felt it again when I couldn't muster the courage to CTB at my scheduled date.
I hope you manage to find a way to overcome this feeling... And if you do, tell me, okay?

 

[AhG]

I'm drunk and I want to call my wife but I know she won't answer me... I changed too late and I'm just here waiting. I don't know what to do... Sometimes I just wanna call her and listen to her voice to calm me down but I know that won't happen... I Ben on a bender of drinking for the last few days and all I want is her... I expected to die before July and you can obviously tell I'm still here...... But all I want is her! Just her! But she doesn't want me and I'm just here trying to figure things out... I want so badly to talk to her but I cant... she has her own thing going and I don't want to fuck that up, I'm so fucking proud of of her and I just can't seem do anything... I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about... I need fucking help! Jesus Christ I need help...

 

[Morphinekiss]

I'm drunk and I want to call my wife but I know she won't answer me... I changed too late and I'm just here waiting. I don't know what to do... Sometimes I just wanna call her and listen to her voice to calm me down but I know that won't happen... I Ben on a bender of drinking for the last few days and all I want is her... I expected to die before July and you can obviously tell I'm still here...... But all I want is her! Just her! But she doesn't want me and I'm just here trying to figure things out... I want so badly to talk to her but I cant... she has her own thing going and I don't want to fuck that up, I'm so fucking proud of of her and I just can't seem do anything... I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about... I need fucking help! Jesus Christ I need help...

Eat some bread, drink some water, and go to sleep.

 

[GinaIsReady]

I forgot what my random thought was.

 

[Rukia]

I woke up and the paranoia too... we are bonded together...too paranoid to speak about paranoia...Tempted to open a beer already...but what would it solve? the problems will remain only I will get fatter :)
Some paranoid thoughts are even funny wish I could share :)
And there is no end in sight...
I question those thoughts so it is not so bad as when I believed in them 100 %....I suppose meds can do no more for me...
Boring ppl here with my rants...dont know to be honest who should be the receiver in this case...Probably only God himself if he exists...

 

[GinaIsReady]

permanent optic nerve damage from mirtazapine.

I'm very sorry.

 

[blanketyblk]

so tomorrow is the start of my forced 2 weeks unpaid leave from work. going to be fun. no idea what I'm going to do besides going for a walk in the morning and gym at night. i think I'll become a shut in

 

[Bagger]

Hope i can learn Deutsche Sprache someday.

 

[RM5998]

I looked back on some of the stuff I posted back in my early days on the forum, and I can see how I have degenerated over time. I don't want this to keep going.

I just realized that I can just buy some rope and hang myself in this room here. My roommate is gone on weekends, so all I need to do is wait for Saturday to roll by. And I also realized that I don't have the spine for it, at least not when I'm sober. Thankfully there's a shop nearby where I can buy some whiskey or vodka.

 

[Donewith_]

Honestly, i feel alone.
something was always wrong with me.. and i am tired of convincing myself about all the things , all the fears , frustrations.. this is exhausting.. how long??
I have done this when i was 10 too.. i can't take this anymore.

 

[Orin]

if pro-life people really believed that life was worth living, then they'd make ctb-drugs readily available because they ought to be confident it won't greatly disrupt the human population.

 

[RM5998]

Honestly, i feel alone.
something was always wrong with me.. and i am tired of convincing myself about all the things , all the fears , frustrations.. this is exhausting.. how long??
I have done this when i was 10 too.. i can't take this anymore.

Well, you can join me and a bunch of others in wallowing in our misery together... I don't know if we have cookies, though, someone will need to check. But for the time being, here are some hugs: .

 

[Donewith_]

Thanks for your comforting companionship. may be.. I am not really alone in this. coz i am among great people like you and people here.. thankyou : ) and hugs to you too .

 

[Manaaja]

I am AM.

 

[not_a_robot]

if pro-life people really believed that life was worth living, then they'd make ctb-drugs readily available because they ought to be confident it won't greatly disrupt the human population.

If druggies are really bad people, all drugs should be legal and free so all of us bad people can exterminate ourselves.

 

[SinisterKid]

A cum, A saw, A suptit
Penny a look, 2 penny a feel, 3 penny a ride on the hairy wheel.
Stick up for ya dad, he stuck up for you

Random gems from another era. Often think about that place in time.

 

[inconsequential]

Emotions are fucking confusing.

No, I don't have a crush on anyone, I'm legitimately confused about the differences between different emotions.

Nervous feels like anxious feels like excited.
Excited is nervous?
Good is bad?

Depressed feels like anxious feels like angry.

Are my wires crossed? Bueller?

 

[Alchemist]

I hate myself more each day and seems like it's the only thing everyone can agree with me.

 

[not_a_robot]

Emotions are fucking confusing.

No, I don't have a crush on anyone, I'm legitimately confused about the differences between different emotions.

Nervous feels like anxious feels like excited.
Excited is nervous?
Good is bad?

Depressed feels like anxious feels like angry.

Are my wires crossed? Bueller?

Everybody's wires get crossed during upbringing.
It's why so many people get horny from fighting with someone they hate, arousal-confusion.
Horny feels like Fight or Flight
Scared feels like horny
Pain feels like attention
Desperate feels natural
Hitting feels like love.
Lonely feels like what you deserve.

Everybody has that shit to some degree, most marriages are based on it.
Furious feels like Love,
if mom and dad were always furious, etc.

 

[GinaIsReady]

arousal confusion. pardon me while I ponder that.

 

[not_a_robot]

arousal confusion. pardon me while I ponder that.

Same neurotransmitters. Crossover.
Why do people like being spanked during sex?
Why fall in love with abusers and inaccessible people?
Ponder that.

 

[SinisterKid]

Same neurotransmitters. Crossover.
Why do people like being spanked during sex?

Ponder that.

Is that personal preference or general consensus?

 

[GinaIsReady]

Same neurotransmitters. Crossover.
Why do people like being spanked during sex?
Why fall in love with abusers and inaccessible people?
Ponder that.

what about being aroused by assholes (because one or two of the men in your life were assholes when you were little?). Would that be arousal confusion?

 

[not_a_robot]

Is that personal preference or general consensus?

Oh it's the general consensus. Test it if you aren't sure. You will be amazed.

 

[SinisterKid]

Oh it's the general consensus. Test it if you aren't sure. You will be amazed.

Sadly I am well beyond that phase

 

[Pupuce]

what about being aroused by assholes (because one or two of the men in your life were assholes when you were little?). Would that be arousal confusion?

More like old habits die hard coupled with misplaced arousal.

Why do people like being spanked during sex?

Ponder that.

Spanking isn't too bad either

 

[not_a_robot]

what about being aroused by assholes (because one or two of the men in your life were assholes when you were little?). Would that be arousal confusion?

Yep. If the only time a parent ever paid attention to a child was to punish/berate them, or only time they ever touch a child is to beat them, those same fear/anticipation neurotransmitters become part of the sexual blueprint later, subject to recall/overlap with parental patterns.
Absent parent? Longing becomes the substitute for love, they will grow up to crave inaccessible, physically or emotionally distant partner.
Why do some men pay to watch a woman pee?
The bathroom is the first time many children become aware of the difference between boy and girl, because they are told *not* to peek.
Why do some men obsess on women's feet? What part of Mom did they cling to as babies when they wanted affection, when she is busy or walking away, no longer holding him?

People are basic programs. Not so mysterious.