Random thoughts

[Suicidal4Ever]

I thought this thread could be interesting. Sometimes one might have a topic they want to talk about or just vent, but they might think it is not worth making a thread about it.

For example, I will start.

Earlier when I was taking a shower, I remembered something I had long forgotten and it made me realize I might have been wishing for death for longer than I thought. It was of my belief that I started wishing to die around my 15 years old mark or so, but even before that, I now remember fantasizing in my head about dying to protect/save someone. The someone in question would change, but they were usually my yearly school crush (I pretty much had a different crush every year when I was a kid). It is weird, isn't it? Even as a 10 years old or so kid, death was already a common thought for me. I wonder why...

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Anything goes, but keep it civil and no prejudice/hatred here, please. If the thread isn't interesting, just let it fade away — Eventually it will be buried by other new threads.

I understood pretty early that life wasn't for me.

 

[blanketyblk]

Today my hot water service broke. so called plumber over and he said he can fix it and make it last another year or 2. or i could replace it and get 14 years from a new one. I so wanted to ask can you fix it so it only last around 6-8 months like me :-)

 

[Kuolema]

Felt like I was tripping while meditating last night. Saw formless forms shifting between 2 states and vibrating. I think I might be completely insane. Still not afraid of the dark though. I neither desire death nor life. I just am.

 

[GinaIsReady]

I'm really anxious about my coming suicide and keep getting really wasted every day rather than feel it which also means getting nothing done. I need to stop getting wasted so that I can plan and do everything so I can be effective in my attempt. That was my random thought.

 

[not_a_robot]

I'm really anxious about my coming suicide and keep getting really wasted every day rather than feel it which also means getting nothing done. I need to stop getting wasted so that I can plan and do everything so I can be effective in my attempt. That was my random thought.

Same. Every time I resign myself to ctb, I lose all motivation to do anything. Just gonna die anyway. I've gotten *nothing* done since I found SS.

 

[GinaIsReady]

Same. Every time I resign myself to ctb, I lose all motivation to do anything. Just gonna die anyway. I've gotten *nothing* done since I found SS.

You make a lot of people laugh. Sometimes you make me laugh my ass off.
I go back and forth with my level of urgency to ctb sooner than later.
I am currently trying to plan my exit. It's nerve wracking so I have been getting wasted instead. hahaha

 

[blanketyblk]

Same. Every time I resign myself to ctb, I lose all motivation to do anything. Just gonna die anyway. I've gotten *nothing* done since I found SS.

But your awesome on this site.. truly you make a lot of people day with your witty response and throughout replies! and you make me shit scared of AI's developments in the future! *if i'm still around*

 

[RM5998]

So, I was typing something here while drunk off my face last night.

At the end, it said: "Delete this if it's stupid."

I don't remember if that was me, or a friend who saw it and typed it in there for me when I woke up.

 

[throwaway123]

So, I was typing something here while drunk off my face last night.

At the end, it said: "Delete this if it's stupid."

I don't remember if that was me, or a friend who saw it and typed it in there for me when I woke up.

Your friend knows you're suicidal?

 

[RM5998]

Your friend knows you're suicidal?

No, they don't. And it could have been any of the 4 people I was with 12 hours back.

Kinda disconcerting. I remember typing the first bit of the message, where I was going to talk about how my motor control had gone but not my ability to remember stuff. But I don't remember if I locked my phone after coming back to the room. And my phone has a lockout time of an hour (because I need that from time to time). So pretty much anyone could have typed that.

Well, considering that they've seen me type shit here for a while but never understood what this place was, I think I'm safe.

 

[Pilum Muralis]

Hurricane is about to make landfall. Maybe I could just go and lie in our drainage ditch and hope I drown.
Who am I kidding. I don't have the energy or desire to get out of bed.

 

[not_a_robot]

No, they don't. And it could have been any of the 4 people I was with 12 hours back.

Kinda disconcerting. I remember typing the first bit of the message, where I was going to talk about how my motor control had gone but not my ability to remember stuff. But I don't remember if I locked my phone after coming back to the room. And my phone has a lockout time of an hour (because I need that from time to time). So pretty much anyone could have typed that.

Well, considering that they've seen me type shit here for a while but never understood what this place was, I think I'm safe.

You told me you don't have any friends.
Now I have to re-evaluate my whole opinion of you.

 

[Donewith_]

wtf..
its really hard to stand some people.

 

[blanketyblk]

wtf..
its really hard to stand some people.

sorry have to do a slight correction to that post

 

[RM5998]

You told me you don't have any friends.
Now I have to re-evaluate my whole opinion of you.

Okay, yeah, 'friend' is a strong word. 'People from my college who I have heard of' is probably more accurate.

 

[not_a_robot]

But your awesome on this site.. truly you make a lot of people day with your witty response and throughout replies! and you make me shit scared of AI's developments in the future! *if i'm still around*

You make a lot of people laugh. Sometimes you make me laugh my ass off.
I go back and forth with my level of urgency to ctb sooner than later.
I am currently trying to plan my exit. It's nerve wracking so I have been getting wasted instead. hahaha

Thank you both, I was put on earth for the amusement of others. ;)
You two crack me up too.

 

[throwaway123]

Okay, yeah, 'friend' is a strong word. 'People from my college who I have heard of' is probably more accurate.

I almost thought you have real friends.
I wish I had friends

 

[not_a_robot]

I almost thought you have real friends.
I wish I had friends

Well you don't get them by being demanding.

 

[throwaway123]

My whole life I always tried to do the right thing and what did I get for that? Nothing, no I got treated like shit.I lost everyone and everything(if I ever really had anything to begin with). Now I have nothing and noone. I guess it's my fault for believing that good behaviour is rewarded. In a world like this only the truly evil triumphs...



I don't even believe in an afterlife.

This is a really good quote from 8ch:

"Honestly, I hope absolutely nothing. If there is some another bullshit after this, I'm going to be really upset.
Just imagine it. All the people watching you from heaven… How miserable little fuck you are. Then you arrive, big style! Such hero, much wow. They all know… They have seen everything. Now you can live happily with them forever and ever. Yay!"

This really says it all. Nothingness is the best outcome. Forever peace.

 

[Morphinekiss]

Really?! 1 hour of sleep. 1 whole hour. I'm so damn tired, why can't I just lay down and pass out?

 

[blanketyblk]

Really?! 1 hour of sleep. 1 whole hour. I'm so damn tired, why can't I just lay down and pass out?

Can sleep because your mind won't stop or something else? atm i dreading going to sleep as been having bad nightmares of late. got to the point where i leave a light on.. yeah i'm a chicken :-)

 

[Rukia]

Sinking into bad mood...Paranoia is rampant...What is the point of this suffering? Wanted to drink tonight with brother to get a break for just a moment...but he doesnt want to...so sad to drink alone...better to go to sleep....but tommorow will wake up with the same problems...I think I dont believe in God anymore...so noone will make it right at the end...The end will be just it...the end...

 

[Going Home]

Peter

 

[RM5998]

I don't like being around me...

People keep talking about how meds turned them into zombies... I wish someone would prescribe meds that did that to me. I don't like being with myself in my head. At least being a zombie could turn me into a good obedient son and make me fulfill the purpose of my existence. The way I am now, I can do pretty much nothing.

 

[not_a_robot]

I don't like being around me...

People keep talking about how meds turned them into zombies... I wish someone would prescribe meds that did that to me. I don't like being with myself in my head. At least being a zombie could turn me into a good obedient son and make me fulfill the purpose of my existence. The way I am now, I can do pretty much nothing.

I feel the same. I would welcome deadening my emotions, but I would also lose my sense of humor, and although other people would find that a relief, I don't think I'd be able to go on without it. I have bad experiences with psych meds but I would still like to try a bunch of different ones, if the risks weren't so high for me. Already lost an eye, thanks.

 

[Going Home]

George

 

[RM5998]

I feel the same. I would welcome deadening my emotions, but I would also lose my sense of humor, and although other people would find that a relief, I don't think I'd be able to go on without it.

I was speaking more along the lines of stuff that lobotomises you to the point where you don't need anything to cope with the world. But I get where you're coming from with that, the humor does become a coping mechanism.

I have bad experiences with psych meds but I would still like to try a bunch of different ones, if the risks weren't so high for me. Already lost an eye, thanks.

Hmm... There's a story there, I'm sure.

 

[not_a_robot]

I was speaking more along the lines of stuff that lobotomises you to the point where you don't need anything to cope with the world. But I get where you're coming from with that, the humor does become a coping mechanism.


Hmm... There's a story there, I'm sure.

permanent optic nerve damage from mirtazapine.

 

[Morphinekiss]

Can sleep because your mind won't stop or something else? atm i dreading going to sleep as been having bad nightmares of late. got to the point where i leave a light on.. yeah i'm a chicken :-)

Both. I suddenly find myself convinced I'll die in my sleep so I spend all night anxious and checking my blood pressure. Then when I do sleep I have the worst dreams about my old job being shit to me.

 

[RM5998]

permanent optic nerve damage from mirtazapine.

Yikes... For me, damage to the eyes is the scariest thing that could happen. How did yours not get picked up by medical checkups?