Random thoughts

[blanketyblk]

This sounds magical. A cello is one of my favorite sounds ever.

Yeah it's a magical sound. i haven't held a cello in about 10 years. so going to be very rusty. but god i'm so looking forward to playing it tonight.

 

[Oblivion Lover]

Damn, I can't stop thinking about suicide. The first thing I've noticed in my new house is that there is a very nice spot where I could hang myself if I can't get my hands on SN. Gotta start thinking about my suicide note!

 

[Morphinekiss]

My mom came and got in bed with me, I was sobbing so hard. We told stories about way back when, before the family splintered. She made me breakfast, got ready for work. Now I'm crying even harder. What is wrong with me?!

 

[Kikoo Loool]

My mom came and got in bed with me, I was sobbing so hard. We told stories about way back when, before the family splintered. She made me breakfast, got ready for work. Now I'm crying even harder. What is wrong with me?!

Don't think it has only to do with you. If you need to cry, cry'and vent here as much as you need!

 

[Rukia]

Another day when I cannot concetrate on either watching sth or reading...Boredom attack! Bought beers again...Didnt call the doc :(
Thinking about what I lost..."I had a farm in Africa at the foot of the Ngong Hills. "
I had a good apartment in the capital, good job and energy...out of africa, out of capital...

At least her plight was adapted into movie, mine will be taken to the grave...
In the last scene of the movie if I remember correctly she got a drink on the house by the Gentlemen Club who previuosly didnt let her in, they did it to honour her...
Nobody will honour me... and I was s o corageous during my psychosis...

I have this bad luck I was "persecuted" by true ppl in my delusions in contrast to Arnhild Lauveng and her "Capitain" :( She could describe it all...

Thats sucks, want to cry and cant...

 

[RM5998]

Got through a day at work while drunk off my face. Somehow I didn't embarrass myself too much.

 

[throwaway123]

I hate people. I wish I could make them suffer for what they did to me.

Whatever god there is I really don't give a shit. It has played exactly 0 role in my life.

 

[laiduponit]

For a month or two I spent nearly everyday going to sleep in order to keep having dreams, during this period every time I slept I had dreams that made me happy. That was until I woke up and realized they were never true. Probably spent over 16 hours a day sleeping, most of the time I'd wake up dehydrated and having forgotten to ate anything, think virtual reality esque addiction. Not sure if it is a thing but I had an addiction to just staying in my dreams.

 

[Going Home]

When you stand behind me and whisper "good" you must think I give a shit about your opinion. I don't want to be like you. GOAWAY. And before your kids talk about what they're smelling how about you wash them at least once a week. Nasty, passive aggressive, condescending arrogant bitch.

 

[Life+me=error]

I wanna ask everyone a question.

Do you feel like you missed out on the past before you were born? The experience of bonding, hugs, foods, accomplishments, breathing, self awareness, etc? Do you feel bad about it? Does it bother you that life existed for 2 billion years (guessing) without you?

No?

So why would you feel bad about not existing anymore? Will you really miss out on anything?

 

[Rukia]

It is Friday, so ppl who work are sneaking away earlier from the office... at least some...
...are glad to have whole weekend ahead...

 

[RM5998]

I wanna ask everyone a question.

Do you feel like you missed out on the past before you were born? The experience of bonding, hugs, foods, accomplishments, breathing, self awareness, etc? Do you feel bad about it? Does it bother you that life existed for 2 billion years (guessing) without you?

No?

So why would you feel bad about not existing anymore? Will you really miss out on anything?

Being aware of a philosophical idea like that doesn't help with the paralyzing fear of the void. It's a great tool for justifying the idea of CTBing to others, though, I'll give you that.

 

[Life+me=error]

doesn't help with the paralyzing fear of the void.

You won't experience the void, nothing to fear about.

 

[RM5998]

You won't experience the void, nothing to fear about.

Yeah, I know that. Doesn't make me any less afraid, unfortunately. I know it's irrational, but knowing that doesn't make the fear go away.

I know I'm being stupid and weak, but I have no power over it.

 

[RM5998]

Okay, I'm drunk as fuck... but I still feel like a piece of shit. (I was about to say 'Thank god for autocorrect', but I'm on my laptop now, not my phone.) I keep trying to cry, and I keep failing, and the sharp stuff I have right now is too blunt for cutting.

My roommate is here, so now I guess it's time to be a good drunk roomie.

So, I've apparently eaten some spoiled sweets, let's hope it kills me.

There's some more alcohol in the glass... I guess I should finish it.

I'm sorry if I'm being an attention whore... I just want to let this shit out, and I cant... I don't want to be any more...

EDIT: I keep hyperventilating from time to time... I wonder if it's noticeable... I wish I don't do anything stupid... It's getting harder and harder to type.

 

[KN95]

Is any of this real? What even is "real"? Do we have free will? What is the point of anything

 

[Morphinekiss]

Okay, I'm drunk as fuck... but I still feel like a piece of shit. (I was about to say 'Thank god for autocorrect', but I'm on my laptop now, not my phone.) I keep trying to cry, and I keep failing

Could be me! I'm STILL crying from last night, at this point I think it's autonomous. I can't freaking stop.

 

[kkatt]

When I say I have blue eyes, people often don't realise exactly what I mean.

 

[Architect]

Watched a video about how to paint red hair in watercolour: still thinkig about her...

 

[blanketyblk]

Home, had a good night. but i'm chilled to the bone. stayed up most of the night playing my cello (i'm in love with it) was a good night. actually have a smile on my face today... but now going to have a bath and then go to bed lol

 

[Rukia]

So bored almost wish the police raided me...Maybe shouldnt have said that...Dont have any N...Am not suicidal actively just yet so I am no priority...

But dont know if I can do more 40 years like that...Damn...

I like coffee, but if I drink then no sleep during the day...so torture
If I dont drink coffee I sleep during the day, have nice dreams, but then it sucks to be awake...

Have messenger open, see faces, happy faces...of successful ppl...lawyer, student, musician, software engineer damn...

God, hellllllooo I loved you once...Could you take me lol?

 

[RM5998]

Alcohol is turning out to be a surprisingly good solution to feeling shitty. At least I get to not feel anything for a while. When I'm drunk, the bad times are at least a moment of release. I don't have to keep it contained and packaged away inside me.

 

[Rukia]

I dont know if alcohol helps me or ruins the potency of my meds...I wonder...Why the recent crisis? Maybe alcohol is contributing factor :( Meds are not working because of it and the illness is out of control :( or the illness got worse by itself or it was the idea with the memoir and remembering trauma:(

 

[RM5998]

It's amazing how good being drunk feels... It's great to be able to let go... It's great to not have to remember that you're a fucking piece of shit asshole coward cunt that should have died months/years ago... I like the fact that I need all my 3 brain cells to be able to type... It's 11 in the morning, so there's enough time to get even more hammered... I want to cut so bad but the scissors don't draw blood... they itch a lot, and I pull away... let's down some more and hopefully I can get some blood... I need to know I'm real... I don't like feeling like this.

 

[Rukia]

Woken up just a while ago and I have enough already...I will try to sleep more...

 

[bath salts]

Trying to get up and go find my card so I can buy some rope... can't tell if I'm being lazy or if there is some subconscious reason stopping me lol. If my mother ends up finding it my life will go straight to the gutter so I have some anxiety about making the purchase, maybe that's it? Dunno.

 

[Donewith_]

I'm drunk off my face, and I'm having lunch with my acquaintances... I need to drink more... I slept off part of the high (I think, I don't remember the past few hours, from 11 AM to 1 PM), but I have alcohol left, so I can get higher.. two of the people left, probably disgusted at me... there's my roommate here, and one more person... they're judging me... I just want to end, and they don't get it... Apparently they woke me up by telling me to wake up...

Just end me already, I can barely type, I'm useless, I was supposed to learn REST APIs and come up with hackathon ideas this weekend... Instead I'm letting my teammates down... it takes all my mental capacity to type... I don't want to be anymore... someone tell me it's okay... report this and delete this please, I don't know what I've written, but I don't deserve to have this here, this is just a drunk idiot who thinks he has problems when he doesn't...

are you ok?

 

[Rukia]

I have to order some food...empty fridge...and shops are closed...not particulary happy about that...strange because usually it gives me some joy...
I will have to wash my hair and wear sth, because now I am wearing bathrobe :)

Still didnt call the doc about missing tablets :(

 

[RM5998]

are you ok?

Yeah, just feeling more shitty than usual... Just ignore my drunk posts, it's just me being unnecessarily needy.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

At some point in the future, someone will think of you for the last time.