Rukia
Enlightened
- Jun 3, 2019
- 1,078
I will try to fall asleep now, I was awake today for circa 5 hours... it was almost torture...almost because I am not in physical pain...it is even worse for sure...
I had a close friend of mine ctb, I thought the same as you when I first heard of this forum, I searched the username he uses online in a load of places with no avail. I know he was suffering from things in his life but I can't help but feel I could have saved him if I hadn't been so young and stupid. It was so obvious looking back on it that he was going to do it, What kills me inside the most is that I never responded to his last words to me which was "Whatever happens [my name] know it was never your fault. By the time I had seen his message his brother had contacted me to inform me of his ctb. Those words haunt me.Every time I find out someone I knew ctb, I wonder if they were on here. I could definitely see her having been here.
I think the idea of killing yourself shakes the foundation of what a lot of people have to support themselves and endure all the nonsense life throws at you. They brainwash themselves into believing life is good, the world is beautiful, etc and it is worth fighting for it, but then... Someone chooses to die and that belief is suddenly shaken... If life is so good, why would someone choose to end it sooner? So instead of trying to understand and accept suicide as a normal thing, they choose the easier route: To demonize and condemn the act.
I was thinking about how is life possible and how I born. We are a huge group of cells, what is the difference between me and one of the million of microorganisms inside me? Am I one of this cells or the result of something more advanced, the product of the union of millions of cells? Between all species in this world why an human? Why not a wild animal of even a plant? Was I destined to have capacity for thinking about this or is just coincidence?
It's almost impossible for us being alive. Very specific reactions were need for creating an habitable planet, creating the first primal cells and years of evolution. My family had to survive during generarions and their ancestors before the humans existed. My parents were to conceive me in the exact moment. And even with all this, I was one against millions of spermatozoons. The chances are so ridiculously low that is an absolute mistery how I am alive.
I feel like I'm trying to think about something superior to me. Too many questions without answer, so much desolation. I'm getting very confused with this.
I tried to get into Dragon quest builder 2.. kind of game that is right up my alley. but thus far in 2 weeks I've done like 5 minutes in it. just don't have the staying power to play games any more.. well at least i have some string instruments that are keeping my occupied atm.Started playing Rocket League on my Xbox One again this week and instantly remembered why I quit playing video games all together.
I hate being frustrated and angry all the time.
Oh definitely, I have nowhere near the patience required for single-player games nowadays. The only games I can play are multiplayer games with super quick match times.I tried to get into Dragon quest builder 2.. kind of game that is right up my alley. but thus far in 2 weeks I've done like 5 minutes in it. just don't have the staying power to play games any more.. well at least i have some string instruments that are keeping my occupied atm.
This is how i feel at the moment too. i just wanna wait around to see him and his whole family crash and burn.. but i also know if justice doesn't happens then i'm going to want to CBT straight away as i then know this plant and the human race is just beyond the point of saving.Trump is somewhat responsible for stopping me from ctb. My life was over in 2015, but I kept holding on just to see how much more fucked up everything could get. Now I feel a bit let-down that somehow, no matter how fucked up it gets, everybody plods along, like it's business-as-usual. Now it's four years later and again, I want to wait til the election, just to see how much more fucked up my country can get. I think he'll get elected again.
#MouseUtopia.