Random thoughts

[Rukia]

I will try to fall asleep now, I was awake today for circa 5 hours... it was almost torture...almost because I am not in physical pain...it is even worse for sure...

 

[ReverendGreen]

There were two days earlier this week when I was actually super productive and for a few minutes I think I felt legitimately happy.

Why is it so fucking difficult to forget about your daydreams.

 

[Pilum Muralis]

Its been 3 days since I showered. I bought some purple hair dye last week , hoping it might cheer me up, but there is sits.
Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

 

[Morphinekiss]

Every time I find out someone I knew ctb, I wonder if they were on here. I could definitely see her having been here.

 

[lilyeehaw]

Every time I find out someone I knew ctb, I wonder if they were on here. I could definitely see her having been here.

I had a close friend of mine ctb, I thought the same as you when I first heard of this forum, I searched the username he uses online in a load of places with no avail. I know he was suffering from things in his life but I can't help but feel I could have saved him if I hadn't been so young and stupid. It was so obvious looking back on it that he was going to do it, What kills me inside the most is that I never responded to his last words to me which was "Whatever happens [my name] know it was never your fault. By the time I had seen his message his brother had contacted me to inform me of his ctb. Those words haunt me.

 

[Joannf]

I think the idea of killing yourself shakes the foundation of what a lot of people have to support themselves and endure all the nonsense life throws at you. They brainwash themselves into believing life is good, the world is beautiful, etc and it is worth fighting for it, but then... Someone chooses to die and that belief is suddenly shaken... If life is so good, why would someone choose to end it sooner? So instead of trying to understand and accept suicide as a normal thing, they choose the easier route: To demonize and condemn the act.

I had suicide thoughts at age eleven (family problems, divorce, stepfather etc.), but puberty changed a lot and I discovered that life is in effect certainly not bad. In other words, I did have a chance at objectivity and I loved what I saw. But of course it always depends on the circumstances, and one always adapts to them.
One year it's grand, another it's literally not worth the pain. And so it goes. It's normal to be adaptive, its just impractical to overreact. So when you tend to overreact, likely for being highly emphatic, check your rational reasoning and decide logically how much sense it makes to kill yourself. Never do anything unreasonable.

I was thinking about how is life possible and how I born. We are a huge group of cells, what is the difference between me and one of the million of microorganisms inside me? Am I one of this cells or the result of something more advanced, the product of the union of millions of cells? Between all species in this world why an human? Why not a wild animal of even a plant? Was I destined to have capacity for thinking about this or is just coincidence?
It's almost impossible for us being alive. Very specific reactions were need for creating an habitable planet, creating the first primal cells and years of evolution. My family had to survive during generarions and their ancestors before the humans existed. My parents were to conceive me in the exact moment. And even with all this, I was one against millions of spermatozoons. The chances are so ridiculously low that is an absolute mistery how I am alive.

I feel like I'm trying to think about something superior to me. Too many questions without answer, so much desolation. I'm getting very confused with this.

You're having it upwards down ;)

 

[blanketyblk]

Bad day today. just feel so depressed. gah. i wanted to get up and go to the gym. but instead stayed in bed all day feeling sorry for my self. grrr. sometimes my mind is my own worst enemy.

 

[bath salts]

Made plans for tomorrow. Stupid decision. Now I have to find the motivation to shower and get ready. I want to cancel but I've already cancelled on her 7 times and I feel bad. Just wish I could take some pills and sleep through the day. Might do that tbh.

 

[Morphinekiss]

Finally slept for eight straight hours. I'd hoped for more but I'll take what I can get.

 

[RM5998]

It's amazing how I'm so much calmer this week even though so much more has gone completely wrong (had the cleaning staff at my place throw out a package I was supposed to return, and had another order disappear). And last week, which was when I had shit under control with people to guide me, was when I lost it.

 

[SinisterKid]

Maybe this week, maybe not. If I had a fckin clue what was real and what was just in my head, maybe I could make my mind up, instead, here I am, posting shit and trying to figure out why.

 

[ReverendGreen]

Started playing Rocket League on my Xbox One again this week and instantly remembered why I quit playing video games all together.

I hate being frustrated and angry all the time.

 

[blanketyblk]

Started playing Rocket League on my Xbox One again this week and instantly remembered why I quit playing video games all together.

I hate being frustrated and angry all the time.

I tried to get into Dragon quest builder 2.. kind of game that is right up my alley. but thus far in 2 weeks I've done like 5 minutes in it. just don't have the staying power to play games any more.. well at least i have some string instruments that are keeping my occupied atm.

 

[ReverendGreen]

I tried to get into Dragon quest builder 2.. kind of game that is right up my alley. but thus far in 2 weeks I've done like 5 minutes in it. just don't have the staying power to play games any more.. well at least i have some string instruments that are keeping my occupied atm.

Oh definitely, I have nowhere near the patience required for single-player games nowadays. The only games I can play are multiplayer games with super quick match times.

 

[Morphinekiss]

So these tumors may be worse than they originally said. Fuck me. And the oncologist I'm supposed to see? Doesn't take my insurance. Fuck fuck fuck fuck

 

[Bagger]

My new meds are supposed to make my depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts go away, they surely do their job, but they introduce huge lack of energy and motivation to do anything, it is even worse than before. I don't even have power to post here anymore. I don't FEEL anything. Watching science vids i bed, this is how my days looks like now. Its strange, but i somehow miss my intense emotion responses, even the bad ones.

 

[not_a_robot]

Trump is somewhat responsible for stopping me from ctb. My life was over in 2015, but I kept holding on just to see how much more fucked up everything could get. Now I feel a bit let-down that somehow, no matter how fucked up it gets, everybody plods along, like it's business-as-usual. Now it's four years later and again, I want to wait til the election, just to see how much more fucked up my country can get. I think he'll get elected again.

 

[blanketyblk]

Trump is somewhat responsible for stopping me from ctb. My life was over in 2015, but I kept holding on just to see how much more fucked up everything could get. Now I feel a bit let-down that somehow, no matter how fucked up it gets, everybody plods along, like it's business-as-usual. Now it's four years later and again, I want to wait til the election, just to see how much more fucked up my country can get. I think he'll get elected again.

This is how i feel at the moment too. i just wanna wait around to see him and his whole family crash and burn.. but i also know if justice doesn't happens then i'm going to want to CBT straight away as i then know this plant and the human race is just beyond the point of saving.

 

[Life sucks]

Lonely even online. Some I feel I need to talk

 

[Donewith_]

I have no control over my mind.

 

[k75]

My fridge currently contains no food, but coincidentally has exactly the amount of fast acting insulin the PPeh says should be fatal. As well as 2200U of long acting. Is this a sign?

Too bad it's not a viable method....

 

[Joannf]

Interesting thread, actually.
If I exclude the folks here who are suffering from some actual physical disease (which includes myself, people with cancer, some degenerative or chronic diseases etc. - or straight neurological ones), then I come to the conclusion that we're looking at a Darwinian Mega Trend (DMT).
People here are all from atheist western consumer societies, which have over the last decades increasingly shown signs of #MouseUtopia.
Google it - to my knowledge they're not censoring it yet.
Suicide waves are basically social cleansing events, though the immediate (probably genetic or epigenetic) reasons why some individuals are more ctb-affine than others are not yet clear. Suicidal people can be seen as canaries in the coal mine for societies that lost all forward momentum, and must therefore break down or drastically change.
A frequent myopic misunderstanding is to seek the reason for that in political developments of the last few years - this is typical for young people without any historical knowledge. I'm tired of the imbeciles who still believe that 'Hillary or Trump' would make any difference rather than being two sides of the same coin, alphas ruling the betas. Be serious, kids. Western society started gliding into its current final state in the early 1960s, with Flower Power, when it decided to begin to fully concentrate the majority on resolving social unfairness issues, while the elite carried on as usual, an elite that no longer has tribal roots in common with the population, the way aristocracies of old used to always have.
This is an entirely unnatural development.
Humans are however hierarchic social animals, their societies are by nature unfair and will forever stay that way...
Humans of average intelligence have a hard time coping without religious beliefs that offer them a chance to dream of 'paradise,' where life is exactly like now, only much better, and forever. Humans crave such beliefs to ward of reality, which can admittedly be terrible.
Religion is not a 'human right' for no reason, and I can see efforts on a global scale to reintroduce religion to the West.
Interestingly, 'Progressives' (Feminists, hardcore Marxists, Anarchists etc.) are furthering this effort, while practically all people here seem to be atheists.
Is that not at first glance a contradiction ?
But maybe not at second glance ?

 

[SinisterKid]

Well I was thinking Crossroads, but now, I am thinking, pseudo intellectual bollocks disguised as pseudo intellectual bollocks. Maybe I should get back to Crossroads or Crosswords, anything that is not recreational enough to be considered recreational. But then again, maybe that would be bollocks too? But it could also be said to be the dogs bollocks, which is a entirely different proposition to the pseudo intellectual bollocks that actually is, just that?

Crossroads it is then

 

[RM5998]

It's weird... I was at a team dinner yesterday, and none of the people I work with have anything in common with me. It's a strange feeling, being among all these friendly people and feeling irreparably separate, like an alien.

 

[Morphinekiss]

Going to start boxing the shit in my room up. I'm done.

 

[sadsoul]

It's quite lonely to have no friends but having friends could also be very stressful and I also don't want to burden anyone. And I think it would be pretty difficult to find a good friend who has similar views and interests.

 

[RM5998]

There's nothing happening right now. I have no leftover work, I have no deadlines to meet, I just have a day of lying in my room and not doing the laundry. So why do I feel like everything is going to fall apart any second now?

 

[throwaway123]

EVERY DAY. Every single day is another day I keep deluding myself into hanging on for one more day. I keep getting angry but why bother? I should have just ended it and I will. I am powerless but with death on my side I will take back what is mine! My life! I will take control.

 

[262653]

#MouseUtopia.

Hahaha, now thats a beautiful one! Thanks for sharing.

 

[omoidarui]

'The Voice' is the most embarrassing thing I have ever watched

It's so unlike the real world and the music industry. The feigned positivity, all performances are "amazing", the hyping up of contestants we'll never hear from again post-show (as if by competing they're guaranteed of chart success), and the false pretense that the celebrity coaches are there to find talent when it's actually for their own benefit (money and/or TV exposure plus plugging their own music and brand)

cringefest all round