Now, I'm sure everyone has heard similar, rolls their eyes and says "oh, it's about a woman.", but I think it's different here.
We were teens, we we friends. Average, quickly close, soon best. Inseparable, but not romantic. Talked every single day, always the first person the other brought news to. Years passed. In my mid-late 20s, she approached me about making our relationship more than friendship.
We made the jump.
It. Was. Incredible.
It was like someone just turned off my major depressive disorder. I was flooded with so much serotonin that I was experiencing true, honest, natural happiness for the first time in years. I was terrified it would stop, but as long as she was there, I was *invincible*.
We moved in together, we married. We had an apartment, we had a house, lived there for a long time. We moved to a new state, bought a bigger house. Lived there for years.
To fast forward a bit, today as I post this I'm nearly 50.
On July 7th of this year, thanks to an overheard phone conversation from behind a closed door as I walked by, I discovered that my beloved wife and best friend of decades had recently started sleeping with her boss at work.
She immediately turned to ice when she realized I'd overheard. Ran to the door and threw it open when she heard the floor creak and just stared at me.
I then unfortunately got pneumonia which developed into double and then kidney failure. Spent days in the ICU. In the interim she boxed all my belongings up and stuffed them in the garage and changed the locks. She emails me once a day for "divorce business" and otherwise blocks all texts and calls from me.
I literally exited the hospital and weeks on a ventilator to discover almost all our mutual friends have deserted me, she's spreading bogus sympathy stories online for attention. She won't allow me in the residence, I hadn't worked in a month, she had access to the accounts while I was in hospital and there's nothing.
I am literally in possession of my car and nothing else.
I have decided that with the severity of the depression coupled with my extreme OCD, I am going to hard circle this until it happens sooner or later. I'd rather do it when I'm in a place with the capability of planning as opposed to wild panic and despair.
I was a (computer) engineer, but you work in the same facilities, learn the same things.
I have decided to h2s in my car. I have printed MSDS sheets for the gas, warnings for first responders, PPE warnings, warnings not to open the vehicle or break windows, hazmat warnings. These are for the windows. I have goggles to avoid eye burns.
My problem is that I know the *general* idea of what I need and have been told that it's all Walmart/etc kinda stuff, I just don't know exactly what and how much.
Otherwise, I have spent a month rolling the idea around, and I have decided I'm ready to CTB. I won't ever be able to stop myself circling it, and she was literally part of my life significantly longer than she wasn't. I don't have a single major memory she isn't in, and across my years, I've done everything I wanted to. I was just supposed to work a few more years and retire with my wife.
I don't have anything else I need to do.
So, that's my story. Hi.
We were teens, we we friends. Average, quickly close, soon best. Inseparable, but not romantic. Talked every single day, always the first person the other brought news to. Years passed. In my mid-late 20s, she approached me about making our relationship more than friendship.
We made the jump.
It. Was. Incredible.
It was like someone just turned off my major depressive disorder. I was flooded with so much serotonin that I was experiencing true, honest, natural happiness for the first time in years. I was terrified it would stop, but as long as she was there, I was *invincible*.
We moved in together, we married. We had an apartment, we had a house, lived there for a long time. We moved to a new state, bought a bigger house. Lived there for years.
To fast forward a bit, today as I post this I'm nearly 50.
On July 7th of this year, thanks to an overheard phone conversation from behind a closed door as I walked by, I discovered that my beloved wife and best friend of decades had recently started sleeping with her boss at work.
She immediately turned to ice when she realized I'd overheard. Ran to the door and threw it open when she heard the floor creak and just stared at me.
I then unfortunately got pneumonia which developed into double and then kidney failure. Spent days in the ICU. In the interim she boxed all my belongings up and stuffed them in the garage and changed the locks. She emails me once a day for "divorce business" and otherwise blocks all texts and calls from me.
I literally exited the hospital and weeks on a ventilator to discover almost all our mutual friends have deserted me, she's spreading bogus sympathy stories online for attention. She won't allow me in the residence, I hadn't worked in a month, she had access to the accounts while I was in hospital and there's nothing.
I am literally in possession of my car and nothing else.
I have decided that with the severity of the depression coupled with my extreme OCD, I am going to hard circle this until it happens sooner or later. I'd rather do it when I'm in a place with the capability of planning as opposed to wild panic and despair.
I was a (computer) engineer, but you work in the same facilities, learn the same things.
I have decided to h2s in my car. I have printed MSDS sheets for the gas, warnings for first responders, PPE warnings, warnings not to open the vehicle or break windows, hazmat warnings. These are for the windows. I have goggles to avoid eye burns.
My problem is that I know the *general* idea of what I need and have been told that it's all Walmart/etc kinda stuff, I just don't know exactly what and how much.
Otherwise, I have spent a month rolling the idea around, and I have decided I'm ready to CTB. I won't ever be able to stop myself circling it, and she was literally part of my life significantly longer than she wasn't. I don't have a single major memory she isn't in, and across my years, I've done everything I wanted to. I was just supposed to work a few more years and retire with my wife.
I don't have anything else I need to do.
So, that's my story. Hi.
