I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time

[psty2125]

We did, they're grown. Past the point where my continued presence is still needed. Old enough that the idea of a parent dying is inevitable and not terrifying.

Besides, she had called everyone and spent my time in the hospital telling them I would probably die and getting them prepared for it. So they're already in a mental place where me dying isn't going hit them as bad.

I have no idea. We were doing fine. Going to dinner, date nights, watching TV and movies together, no real arguing.

She's gotten herself convinced (based on what she says) that it was horrible and the marriage was awful. It sounds more like the boyfriend talking than her.

When? Within the next days, no longer than a week. I just don't have a path forward that makes sense. I was supposed to always have her at my side. No matter what direction I go from here, she's always going to be missing from the place she should be.

No matter what place I live, or furniture I put in it, no matter what stuff I acquire and put in there, no matter how it's decorated, she still won't be there.

It won't change that I've got three decades of memories both romantic and platonic that she's the central figure in. I can't call up ANY memories that she isn't in. Everything I look at reminds me of something we did or something we were going to do.

It's just too much. She's everywhere I turn and the only way this ends positively for me is if she asks me to come home.

So that is why I can't really be talked out of it. I feel very strongly that this is the right choice for me. Really, the only one.

There's just a constant state of rabbit panic. Just constantly feeling like I need to run away and escape where I am, but I am trying to escape my own thoughts. You can't claw your way out of your own head.

This is not what I would have chosen, it's not what I wanted for my life or my end, but I don't think anyone sets out with this as a goal.

What I wanted is now out of reach for me, so if that happiness is lost to me, at least I can make a choice that keeps me from decades of misery.

I'm so sorry for all this man, your children not caring much about your presence and what broke me even more is the fact that they aren't even bothered by the fact that you were about to die, let alone be devastated about it.

And as for that woman, I truly hope she gets her fair share of life getting back at her for all the bullshit she has done to you.

The fact that she would do this even without a reason is just fucked up.

This might sound insensitive and it might be to you, and I'm really sorry about that. I know how you said you can't imagine your life without her anymore and how you'll be experiencing decades of misery and suffering if you live any further, and I do know you're suffering with extreme depression at the moment along with other mental health issues and I'm really sorry about that too, I really am, but how about you give life another shot for like a couple months before you make the decision to CTB? At the moment, I know suicide might feel like the answer and I truly hope you find peace in it once you make the decision, but can there be a possibility where you start a new beginning all over again, having moved on?

If you do decide that suicide is the right answer for you and you've lost all your hope and faith in living life anymore, I'll respect that decision and I do truly hope you find peace and comfort in it. Whatever is waiting for you on the other side, may it treat you well.

 

[unclejack]

I'm so sorry for all this man, your children not caring much about your presence and what broke me even more is the fact that they aren't even bothered by the fact that you were about to die, let alone be devastated about it.

And as for that woman, I truly hope she gets her fair share of life getting back at her for all the bullshit she has done to you.

The fact that she would do this even without a reason is just fucked up.

This might sound insensitive and it might be to you, and I'm really sorry about that. I know how you said you can't imagine your life without her anymore and how you'll be experiencing decades of misery and suffering if you live any further, and I do know you're suffering with extreme depression at the moment along with other mental health issues and I'm really sorry about that too, I really am, but how about you give life another shot for like a couple months before you make the decision to CTB? At the moment, I know suicide might feel like the answer and I truly hope you find peace in it once you make the decision, but can there be a possibility where you start a new beginning all over again, having moved on?

If you do decide that suicide is the right answer for you and you've lost all your hope and faith in living life anymore, I'll respect that decision and I do truly hope you find peace and comfort in it. Whatever is waiting for you on the other side, may it treat you well.

In all honesty, I don't think there's moving on. We were part of each other's lives since we were teens, and I'm about to be 50. My whole world and everything in it has something to do with her.

The depression is always there except now I'm missing the person that always helped me through it in a way nobody else ever could.

I'm too old to start over, and the bond we had was too deep and covered too much time. I don't have enough life left to build something like that with someone else. It's a one-time thing and my chance is gone.

I've already given it a month to see if it would improve and it actually got worse. The pain is thicker, the panic is more severe. The raw fear at this inescapable new reality. In all honesty, it was mostly a month of begging her to take me back. I just don't have a path that I can take. I can't stand seeing her with someone else, can't stand thinking it. Can't display any photos, because she's in all of them. Can't display art, all I own she picked. Everything is her. I'm tired, I never thought I'd be here. She was my hope, my life, my heart, and my strength. I didn't even truly end up the man I was going to be until we got together.

I liked him. That me was the best me. Now I'm just whatever I used to be before her, plus the gaping hole where it was cut out.

Oh, to add: Since I woke up in the hospital, I have totally lost the ability to taste things. I've tried so many things since I have been eating normally again and nothing. Just a little insult to injury for my misery.

 

[aunaltravita]

In all honesty, I don't think there's moving on. We were part of each other's lives since we were teens, and I'm about to be 50. My whole world and everything in it has something to do with her.

The depression is always there except now I'm missing the person that always helped me through it in a way nobody else ever could.

I'm too old to start over, and the bond we had was too deep and covered too much time. I don't have enough life left to build something like that with someone else. It's a one-time thing and my chance is gone.

I've already given it a month to see if it would improve and it actually got worse. The pain is thicker, the panic is more severe. The raw fear at this inescapable new reality. In all honesty, it was mostly a month of begging her to take me back. I just don't have a path that I can take. I can't stand seeing her with someone else, can't stand thinking it. Can't display any photos, because she's in all of them. Can't display art, all I own she picked. Everything is her. I'm tired, I never thought I'd be here. She was my hope, my life, my heart, and my strength. I didn't even truly end up the man I was going to be until we got together.

I liked him. That me was the best me. Now I'm just whatever I used to be before her, plus the gaping hole where it was cut out.

Oh, to add: Since I woke up in the hospital, I have totally lost the ability to taste things. I've tried so many things since I have been eating normally again and nothing. Just a little insult to injury for my misery.

As I said in another thread, I'm half as old as you but unfortunately I can somewhat understand what you're going through...hope you'll find the peace you're seeking.

 

[unclejack]

As I said in another thread, I'm half as old as you but unfortunately I can somewhat understand what you're going through...hope you'll find the peace you're seeking.

Thank you. Even though at my age and health, I don't have tons of years left, I don't want them filled with this.

 

[psty2125]

In all honesty, I don't think there's moving on. We were part of each other's lives since we were teens, and I'm about to be 50. My whole world and everything in it has something to do with her.

The depression is always there except now I'm missing the person that always helped me through it in a way nobody else ever could.

I'm too old to start over, and the bond we had was too deep and covered too much time. I don't have enough life left to build something like that with someone else. It's a one-time thing and my chance is gone.

I've already given it a month to see if it would improve and it actually got worse. The pain is thicker, the panic is more severe. The raw fear at this inescapable new reality. In all honesty, it was mostly a month of begging her to take me back. I just don't have a path that I can take. I can't stand seeing her with someone else, can't stand thinking it. Can't display any photos, because she's in all of them. Can't display art, all I own she picked. Everything is her. I'm tired, I never thought I'd be here. She was my hope, my life, my heart, and my strength. I didn't even truly end up the man I was going to be until we got together.

I liked him. That me was the best me. Now I'm just whatever I used to be before her, plus the gaping hole where it was cut out.

Oh, to add: Since I woke up in the hospital, I have totally lost the ability to taste things. I've tried so many things since I have been eating normally again and nothing. Just a little insult to injury for my misery.

I get it.

I honestly couldn't believe someone so vile and disgusting would do this to another human being, let alone their very own partner.

At the end of the day, like I said earlier, as much as I want to help you out and have you live, I know I can't and that honestly doesn't sit right with me.

But if you've truly decided to CTB and you know your life is beyond redemption, then so be it. I'll have to respect that choice and hope you seek the peace you were meant to be given.

If it doesn't bother you, I'd like to have you continue talking in this thread up to your very last days. I just want you to know at least a couple of strangers cared about you more than your family and friends ever did.

Thank you so much for the conversation that we've had in this thread.

I hope whatever it is that you're seeking truly gives you peace and comfort.

 

[unclejack]

I get it.

I honestly couldn't believe someone so vile and disgusting would do this to another human being, let alone their very own partner.

At the end of the day, like I said earlier, as much as I want to help you out and have you live, I know I can't and that honestly doesn't sit right with me.

But if you've truly decided to CTB and you know your life is beyond redemption, then so be it. I'll have to respect that choice and hope you seek the peace you were meant to be given.

If it doesn't bother you, I'd like to have you continue talking in this thread up to your very last days. I just want you to know at least a couple of strangers cared about you more than your family and friends ever did.

Thank you so much for the conversation that we've had in this thread.

I hope whatever it is that you're seeking truly gives you peace and comfort.

Certainly. I don't mind answering things about myself or whatever you might be curious about.

Like I said, how do I go forward? Alone? I haven't been alone in decades, I don't even know how. I don't want to learn. I hate being alone, I hate knowing she's happy with someone else and knowing that my social circle is non-existent and I will never have someone else want me. I'm basically homeless, broke, broken, alone, and damaged so badly that it wouldn't be fair for me to be with someone else, because my total lack of trust would spoil any potential romance. I'm unattractive, lost a bunch of teeth and the hospital catheter did me damage so my fun parts don't work. Ugly, broke, no home, not enough teeth and I currently can't bone. What would I even offer someone anyway?

I hate that her voice and face are everywhere and in everything. I have nowhere safe. Sleep is filled with nightmares about her. I'm not a drinker, and we have dispensaries but that just makes me really thoughtful and introspective which is definitely not ideal for an OCD major depressive who just lost their marriage to infidelity.

There's nowhere to hide. There's no safety. I have no friends left, no one to talk to. I could have really used a hug during all this, but I have not touched another human being in over a month. It's very dehumanizing and isolating.

I know I'm repeating things, but trust me, I have spent the month trying to figure out if I can do this, and it just gets worse.

 

[findingpeace08]

Certainly. I don't mind answering things about myself or whatever you might be curious about.

Like I said, how do I go forward? Alone? I haven't been alone in decades, I don't even know how. I don't want to learn. I hate being alone, I hate knowing she's happy with someone else and knowing that my social circle is non-existent and I will never have someone else want me. I'm basically homeless, broke, broken, alone, and damaged so badly that it wouldn't be fair for me to be with someone else, because my total lack of trust would spoil any potential romance. I'm unattractive, lost a bunch of teeth and the hospital catheter did me damage so my fun parts don't work. Ugly, broke, no home, not enough teeth and I currently can't bone. What would I even offer someone anyway?

I hate that her voice and face are everywhere and in everything. I have nowhere safe. Sleep is filled with nightmares about her. I'm not a drinker, and we have dispensaries but that just makes me really thoughtful and introspective which is definitely not ideal for an OCD major depressive who just lost their marriage to infidelity.

There's nowhere to hide. There's no safety. I have no friends left, no one to talk to. I could have really used a hug during all this, but I have not touched another human being in over a month. It's very dehumanizing and isolating.

I know I'm repeating things, but trust me, I have spent the month trying to figure out if I can do this, and it just gets worse.

I'm here too, im also on the process for some time. Maybe i will ctb next week next month idk, why life has to be so complicated?

 

[wishingdeath]

Now, I'm sure everyone has heard similar, rolls their eyes and says "oh, it's about a woman.", but I think it's different here.

We were teens, we we friends. Average, quickly close, soon best. Inseparable, but not romantic. Talked every single day, always the first person the other brought news to. Years passed. In my mid-late 20s, she approached me about making our relationship more than friendship.

We made the jump.

It. Was. Incredible.

It was like someone just turned off my major depressive disorder. I was flooded with so much serotonin that I was experiencing true, honest, natural happiness for the first time in years. I was terrified it would stop, but as long as she was there, I was *invincible*.

We moved in together, we married. We had an apartment, we had a house, lived there for a long time. We moved to a new state, bought a bigger house. Lived there for years.

To fast forward a bit, today as I post this I'm nearly 50.

On July 7th of this year, thanks to an overheard phone conversation from behind a closed door as I walked by, I discovered that my beloved wife and best friend of decades had recently started sleeping with her boss at work.

She immediately turned to ice when she realized I'd overheard. Ran to the door and threw it open when she heard the floor creak and just stared at me.

I then unfortunately got pneumonia which developed into double and then kidney failure. Spent days in the ICU. In the interim she boxed all my belongings up and stuffed them in the garage and changed the locks. She emails me once a day for "divorce business" and otherwise blocks all texts and calls from me.

I literally exited the hospital and weeks on a ventilator to discover almost all our mutual friends have deserted me, she's spreading bogus sympathy stories online for attention. She won't allow me in the residence, I hadn't worked in a month, she had access to the accounts while I was in hospital and there's nothing.

I am literally in possession of my car and nothing else.

I have decided that with the severity of the depression coupled with my extreme OCD, I am going to hard circle this until it happens sooner or later. I'd rather do it when I'm in a place with the capability of planning as opposed to wild panic and despair.

I was a (computer) engineer, but you work in the same facilities, learn the same things.

I have decided to h2s in my car. I have printed MSDS sheets for the gas, warnings for first responders, PPE warnings, warnings not to open the vehicle or break windows, hazmat warnings. These are for the windows. I have goggles to avoid eye burns.

My problem is that I know the *general* idea of what I need and have been told that it's all Walmart/etc kinda stuff, I just don't know exactly what and how much.

Otherwise, I have spent a month rolling the idea around, and I have decided I'm ready to CTB. I won't ever be able to stop myself circling it, and she was literally part of my life significantly longer than she wasn't. I don't have a single major memory she isn't in, and across my years, I've done everything I wanted to. I was just supposed to work a few more years and retire with my wife.

I don't have anything else I need to do.

So, that's my story. Hi.

I'm so sorry that's vile :( humans can be so cruel.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Now, I'm sure everyone has heard similar, rolls their eyes and says "oh, it's about a woman.", but I think it's different here.

We were teens, we we friends. Average, quickly close, soon best. Inseparable, but not romantic. Talked every single day, always the first person the other brought news to. Years passed. In my mid-late 20s, she approached me about making our relationship more than friendship.

We made the jump.

It. Was. Incredible.

It was like someone just turned off my major depressive disorder. I was flooded with so much serotonin that I was experiencing true, honest, natural happiness for the first time in years. I was terrified it would stop, but as long as she was there, I was *invincible*.

We moved in together, we married. We had an apartment, we had a house, lived there for a long time. We moved to a new state, bought a bigger house. Lived there for years.

To fast forward a bit, today as I post this I'm nearly 50.

On July 7th of this year, thanks to an overheard phone conversation from behind a closed door as I walked by, I discovered that my beloved wife and best friend of decades had recently started sleeping with her boss at work.

She immediately turned to ice when she realized I'd overheard. Ran to the door and threw it open when she heard the floor creak and just stared at me.

I then unfortunately got pneumonia which developed into double and then kidney failure. Spent days in the ICU. In the interim she boxed all my belongings up and stuffed them in the garage and changed the locks. She emails me once a day for "divorce business" and otherwise blocks all texts and calls from me.

I literally exited the hospital and weeks on a ventilator to discover almost all our mutual friends have deserted me, she's spreading bogus sympathy stories online for attention. She won't allow me in the residence, I hadn't worked in a month, she had access to the accounts while I was in hospital and there's nothing.

I am literally in possession of my car and nothing else.

I have decided that with the severity of the depression coupled with my extreme OCD, I am going to hard circle this until it happens sooner or later. I'd rather do it when I'm in a place with the capability of planning as opposed to wild panic and despair.

I was a (computer) engineer, but you work in the same facilities, learn the same things.

I have decided to h2s in my car. I have printed MSDS sheets for the gas, warnings for first responders, PPE warnings, warnings not to open the vehicle or break windows, hazmat warnings. These are for the windows. I have goggles to avoid eye burns.

My problem is that I know the *general* idea of what I need and have been told that it's all Walmart/etc kinda stuff, I just don't know exactly what and how much.

Otherwise, I have spent a month rolling the idea around, and I have decided I'm ready to CTB. I won't ever be able to stop myself circling it, and she was literally part of my life significantly longer than she wasn't. I don't have a single major memory she isn't in, and across my years, I've done everything I wanted to. I was just supposed to work a few more years and retire with my wife.

I don't have anything else I need to do.

So, that's my story. Hi.

humans are evil. she is so evil

it's up to u if u want to ctb or do whatever

do u still have a job?

if u still have a job or can get one while still alive then u can use that money to either get ctb supplies or get a lawyer and private investigator and fight back against this creature to get ur money and ur house back

you and if anyone is reading this might not believe me . but nothing matters to u except u not suffering extremely. this individual doesn't matter nothing does except u not suffering extremely

to me humans nothing is meaningful except me avoiding unbearable pain

I am the master of my own mind I will never surrender to anyone nor anything . u can do it too it's a battle of the mind. but it's an extremely difficult battle to change ur mindset to reprogram ur own mind

I will never consciously like or want to do anything they say is so good pleasurable or important even the most glorified romantic relationship. I do what I decide. and what I decide is logical for me is to exit this hell by my suicide

 

[unclejack]

humans are evil. she is so evil

it's up to u if u want to ctb or do whatever

do u still have a job?

if u still have a job or can get one while still alive then u can use that money to either get ctb supplies or get a lawyer and private investigator and fight back against this creature to get ur money and ur house back

you and if anyone is reading this might not believe me . but nothing matters to u except u not suffering extremely. this individual doesn't matter nothing does except u not suffering extremely

to me humans nothing is meaningful except me avoiding unbearable pain

I am the master of my own mind I will never surrender to anyone nor anything . u can do it too it's a battle of the mind. but it's an extremely difficult battle to change ur mindset to reprogram ur own mind

I will never consciously like or want to do anything they say is so good pleasurable or important even the most glorified romantic relationship. I do what I decide. and what I decide is logical for me is to exit this hell by my suicide

She was supposed to fill out my return to work form when I was in hospital. She didn't. I am in a desperate struggle to keep my job and get everything sorted out.

I don't have an address to order things because she made me homeless so it has to all be obtained from places I can drive.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

She was supposed to fill out my return to work form when I was in hospital. She didn't. I am in a desperate struggle to keep my job and get everything sorted out.

I don't have an address to order things because she made me homeless so it has to all be obtained from places I can drive.

that's pure evil what she did to you

u have to get ur job back . send them the medical records tell ur job what happened.

then get a lawyer and private investigator. get ur house back and sue her.

or u can ctb if u want before or after all this .or not ctb at all. it's up to u.

but just realize that nothing else matters except what I posted

 

[unclejack]

that's pure evil what she did to you

u have to get ur job back . send them the medical records tell ur job what happened.

then get a lawyer and private investigator. get ur house back and sue her.

or u can ctb if u want before or after all this .or not ctb at all. it's up to u.

but just realize that nothing else matters except what I posted

No money for any of that. I acquired all the necessary things for my ticket, though.

I just think it's the proper thing to do at this point.

I don't have a way forward where I ever feel better.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

No money for any of that. I acquired all the necessary things for my ticket, though.

I just think it's the proper thing to do at this point.

I don't have a way forward where I ever feel better.

what did you acquire?

did you get your job back , how is that going. money can help in any goal even ctb.

 

[unclejack]

Enough to either h2s or nitenite. In a hotel atm, fiddling around with the latter. Trying to get the sweet spot and see how I feel about it. Feel like it's less messy than h2s, and if you get it right, easier. So, if I stop logging in after today, then assume that I found the sweet spot and didn't mind how it felt.

Edit: Can't find the spot. Just keep hitting the wrong one, that makes your eyes and head pulse. Can't find the right spot.

Edit 2: WHOAAAAA found it. That actually feels... almost frighteningly good. Just gentle manual pressure and I put myself out in seconds. Alright, gonna give this one last good hour of consideration now that I can find the spot easily.

Edit 3: I can only get the spot with my hands, not the padding/ratchet. Annoyed now.

Edit 4: Still can't hit it with the cornhole bags. Maybe they're just too large for my neck and force jugular pressure even when I don't want it? Store had some smaller, round beanbags, those might work for more pinpoint pressure that is more similar to what I'm able to exert with my hands. Told myself I should have bought those, too. Get those tomorrow, try again. I'm going to keep trying with what I have, but I'm doubtful I can do it with these. I'll give it a few more tries but then I'll give up until tomorrow.

 

[psty2125]

Certainly. I don't mind answering things about myself or whatever you might be curious about.

Like I said, how do I go forward? Alone? I haven't been alone in decades, I don't even know how. I don't want to learn. I hate being alone, I hate knowing she's happy with someone else and knowing that my social circle is non-existent and I will never have someone else want me. I'm basically homeless, broke, broken, alone, and damaged so badly that it wouldn't be fair for me to be with someone else, because my total lack of trust would spoil any potential romance. I'm unattractive, lost a bunch of teeth and the hospital catheter did me damage so my fun parts don't work. Ugly, broke, no home, not enough teeth and I currently can't bone. What would I even offer someone anyway?

I hate that her voice and face are everywhere and in everything. I have nowhere safe. Sleep is filled with nightmares about her. I'm not a drinker, and we have dispensaries but that just makes me really thoughtful and introspective which is definitely not ideal for an OCD major depressive who just lost their marriage to infidelity.

There's nowhere to hide. There's no safety. I have no friends left, no one to talk to. I could have really used a hug during all this, but I have not touched another human being in over a month. It's very dehumanizing and isolating.

I know I'm repeating things, but trust me, I have spent the month trying to figure out if I can do this, and it just gets worse.

I truly wish I was there for you right now giving you a long, warm hug.

As you replied to another post, you've been struggling to keep your job and have essentially been homeless.

Is there any way I or someone could help you out financially till you get back up on your feet for a while?

Humans are genuinely so evil. I'm starting to wonder how we've been surviving for so long.

 

[unclejack]

I truly wish I was there for you right now giving you a long, warm hug.

As you replied to another post, you've been struggling to keep your job and have essentially been homeless.

Is there any way I or someone could help you out financially till you get back up on your feet for a while?

Humans are genuinely so evil. I'm starting to wonder how we've been surviving for so long.

Yeah, it's like she's a completely different person. I don't understand it. She's so alien that if I didn't know better, I'd say she'd gotten into cocaine. It fits the behavior changes.

As far as help, I dunno. Right now I'm "living" in an incredibly unpleasant motel because it was all I could borrow to afford. The goal was to stay here until I got paid enough for an apartment deposit, because all the deposits around here are $500 which is way more than I have.

It wouldn't have been so bad if she had just let me sleep in my car in the driveway or something while I worked out the deposit but she refused.

 

[TragedyWillFindUs]

We did, they're grown. Past the point where my continued presence is still needed. Old enough that the idea of a parent dying is inevitable and not terrifying.

Besides, she had called everyone and spent my time in the hospital telling them I would probably die and getting them prepared for it. So they're already in a mental place where me dying isn't going hit them as bad.

I have no idea. We were doing fine. Going to dinner, date nights, watching TV and movies together, no real arguing.

She's gotten herself convinced (based on what she says) that it was horrible and the marriage was awful. It sounds more like the boyfriend talking than her.

When? Within the next days, no longer than a week. I just don't have a path forward that makes sense. I was supposed to always have her at my side. No matter what direction I go from here, she's always going to be missing from the place she should be.

No matter what place I live, or furniture I put in it, no matter what stuff I acquire and put in there, no matter how it's decorated, she still won't be there.

It won't change that I've got three decades of memories both romantic and platonic that she's the central figure in. I can't call up ANY memories that she isn't in. Everything I look at reminds me of something we did or something we were going to do.

It's just too much. She's everywhere I turn and the only way this ends positively for me is if she asks me to come home.

So that is why I can't really be talked out of it. I feel very strongly that this is the right choice for me. Really, the only one.

There's just a constant state of rabbit panic. Just constantly feeling like I need to run away and escape where I am, but I am trying to escape my own thoughts. You can't claw your way out of your own head.

This is not what I would have chosen, it's not what I wanted for my life or my end, but I don't think anyone sets out with this as a goal.

What I wanted is now out of reach for me, so if that happiness is lost to me, at least I can make a choice that keeps me from decades of misery.

This.... hits like a truck. I'm so incredibly sorry that you're going through this and that her actions brought you to that place. I parted ways with my girlfriend I shared my life with for 17 years and regret that decision so god damn badly... Now she says she doesn't love me anymore... After just 6 weeks her feelings vanished. So yeah... I unserstand you. Every memory is tied to a person you shared your life with.. a person who has been a part of your identity. That's so god damn unfair. I wish you all the best. If you need someone to talk I'm here. But not gonna lie: I'm also considering doing it in the near future... Just like you described: I want the life she promised me... In my case I destroyed it myself. Hope you find peace <3

 

[unclejack]

This.... hits like a truck. I'm so incredibly sorry that you're going through this and that her actions brought you to that place. I parted ways with my girlfriend I shared my life with for 17 years and regret that decision so god damn badly... Now she says she doesn't love me anymore... After just 6 weeks her feelings vanished. So yeah... I unserstand you. Every memory is tied to a person you shared your life with.. a person who has been a part of your identity. That's so god damn unfair. I wish you all the best. If you need someone to talk I'm here. But not gonna lie: I'm also considering doing it in the near future... Just like you described: I want the life she promised me... In my case I destroyed it myself. Hope you find peace <3

Thank you. Yeah, that's accurate - my identity is so tied up in being "(her) husband" that I don't even remember how to be just me.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I wish I knew what to say that could help but I'm at a complete loss. For her to change into a different person so suddenly and so dramatically like that, only to destroy you after everything you've been through together, I don't understand how it could've happened. Like you said, it could be cocaine or some other kind of drug, but I don't know. I'm sorry this happened. I truly am.

 

[unclejack]

I wish I knew what to say that could help but I'm at a complete loss. For her to change into a different person so suddenly and so dramatically like that, only to destroy you after everything you've been through together, I don't understand how it could've happened. Like you said, it could be cocaine or some other kind of drug, but I don't know. I'm sorry this happened. I truly am.

Especially fitting that you put it that way, because quite a few years ago we endured an incredible trauma and pulled through it together (someone made a false CPS report because we were in a townhouse and they didn't like the noise of children) and it was like 2 years of hell and we survived it together with the support of each other.

So this just makes it feel like everything we went through together meant nothing to her.

Which in turn makes *me* feel like I meant nothing.

By the same thought pattern, if all our time wasn't worth it to her, it means I wasn't worth it, which means I'm worthless.

I often wonder how it feels to be, I don't know, normal, I guess - and not have thought patterns like this.

 

[unclejack]

Time for another try with the new beanbags. These feel more promising and like they might be able to do the trick. Hopefully it will just be a matter of minor adjustments. I really don't want to keep hitting a wall here.

Edit: Arghhhh, why can't I get this?? I can find the spot with my hands, but the beanbags never hit it, and it's always just throbbing eyes. You know, everything else in my life went wrong, can I please just get this right? Not asking for much, here.

You know, the motel I'm forced to live in is in just the right area of town, why can't someone just offer to sell me a ridiculously fatal quantity of fentanyl? Lol.

Not that it takes much to be ridiculously fatal.

 

[unclejack]

Back at the motel again. Wish me luck that I finally get this right. I've been at this every night this week and I keep missing the sweet spot.

I have absolutely made my choice and it is just so emotionally draining to keep failing like this over and over.

It's like insult to injury - my entire life is a failure, do I have to also fail at dying? Can't I at least have this ONE simple thing?

Please let tonight be the night I get this done properly.

Edit: Especially now, because she decided to bombard me with a flurry of incredibly cold-hearted emails filled with unnecessary cruelty.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Back at the motel again. Wish me luck that I finally get this right. I've been at this every night this week and I keep missing the sweet spot.

I have absolutely made my choice and it is just so emotionally draining to keep failing like this over and over.

It's like insult to injury - my entire life is a failure, do I have to also fail at dying? Can't I at least have this ONE simple thing?

Please let tonight be the night I get this done properly.

Edit: Especially now, because she decided to bombard me with a flurry of incredibly cold-hearted emails filled with unnecessary cruelty.

Yeah, it's not the easiest method to execute. I wish you peace .

 

[unclejack]

Yeah, it's not the easiest method to execute. I wish you peace .

Thank you. I keep telling myself "you can fail a hundred times but you only need to get it right once."

That's helped me keep at it. I only have to get it right once.

 

[violetforever]

my heart is broken for you. theres really nothing left to live for or believe in when you experience this level of cruelty from a person or people you love

 

[unclejack]

my heart is broken for you. theres really nothing left to live for or believe in when you experience this level of cruelty from a person or people you love

Thank you. I just wish I could stop failing at this night-night method. I keep nearly hitting it, almost losing consciousness but something slips, or I move wrong and I lose it.

I'm so frustrated because I'm not trying to practice, I'm actively trying to punch my ticket.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Now, I'm sure everyone has heard similar, rolls their eyes and says "oh, it's about a woman.", but I think it's different here.

We were teens, we we friends. Average, quickly close, soon best. Inseparable, but not romantic. Talked every single day, always the first person the other brought news to. Years passed. In my mid-late 20s, she approached me about making our relationship more than friendship.

We made the jump.

It. Was. Incredible.

It was like someone just turned off my major depressive disorder. I was flooded with so much serotonin that I was experiencing true, honest, natural happiness for the first time in years. I was terrified it would stop, but as long as she was there, I was *invincible*.

We moved in together, we married. We had an apartment, we had a house, lived there for a long time. We moved to a new state, bought a bigger house. Lived there for years.

To fast forward a bit, today as I post this I'm nearly 50.

On July 7th of this year, thanks to an overheard phone conversation from behind a closed door as I walked by, I discovered that my beloved wife and best friend of decades had recently started sleeping with her boss at work.

She immediately turned to ice when she realized I'd overheard. Ran to the door and threw it open when she heard the floor creak and just stared at me.

I then unfortunately got pneumonia which developed into double and then kidney failure. Spent days in the ICU. In the interim she boxed all my belongings up and stuffed them in the garage and changed the locks. She emails me once a day for "divorce business" and otherwise blocks all texts and calls from me.

I literally exited the hospital and weeks on a ventilator to discover almost all our mutual friends have deserted me, she's spreading bogus sympathy stories online for attention. She won't allow me in the residence, I hadn't worked in a month, she had access to the accounts while I was in hospital and there's nothing.

I am literally in possession of my car and nothing else.

I have decided that with the severity of the depression coupled with my extreme OCD, I am going to hard circle this until it happens sooner or later. I'd rather do it when I'm in a place with the capability of planning as opposed to wild panic and despair.

I was a (computer) engineer, but you work in the same facilities, learn the same things.

I have decided to h2s in my car. I have printed MSDS sheets for the gas, warnings for first responders, PPE warnings, warnings not to open the vehicle or break windows, hazmat warnings. These are for the windows. I have goggles to avoid eye burns.

My problem is that I know the *general* idea of what I need and have been told that it's all Walmart/etc kinda stuff, I just don't know exactly what and how much.

Otherwise, I have spent a month rolling the idea around, and I have decided I'm ready to CTB. I won't ever be able to stop myself circling it, and she was literally part of my life significantly longer than she wasn't. I don't have a single major memory she isn't in, and across my years, I've done everything I wanted to. I was just supposed to work a few more years and retire with my wife.

I don't have anything else I need to do.

So, that's my story. Hi.

There's a lot in common between my story and your story so I can feel your pain. I wish you all the peace and love brother

Thank you. I just wish I could stop failing at this night-night method. I keep nearly hitting it, almost losing consciousness but something slips, or I move wrong and I lose it.

I'm so frustrated because I'm not trying to practice, I'm actively trying to punch my ticket.

True that. Failing at attempts repeatedly is so fuckn frustrating. Even worse, last week, my father found my setup in a surprise visit. The plan got foiled.

 

[violetforever]

Thank you. I just wish I could stop failing at this night-night method. I keep nearly hitting it, almost losing consciousness but something slips, or I move wrong and I lose it.

I'm so frustrated because I'm not trying to practice, I'm actively trying to punch my ticket.

i cant ever get that unconscious sweet spot place to take effect either. i hope it comes to you and you have peace.

 

[unclejack]

There's a lot in common between my story and your story so I can feel your pain. I wish you all the peace and love brother

True that. Failing at attempts repeatedly is so fuckn frustrating. Even worse, last week, my father found my setup in a surprise visit. The plan got foiled.

Well, if my father caught me it would mean I succeeded. He died when I was 11 .

Sorry, my sense of humor has always been dark, even before this.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Well, if my father caught me it would mean I succeeded. He died when I was 11 .

Sorry, my sense of humor has always been dark, even before this.

Your joke was actually deep.. It took me some seconds to understand but i like that.. Good one!! The ability to joke in distress shows the strength