I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time

[psty2125]

We did, they're grown. Past the point where my continued presence is still needed. Old enough that the idea of a parent dying is inevitable and not terrifying.

Besides, she had called everyone and spent my time in the hospital telling them I would probably die and getting them prepared for it. So they're already in a mental place where me dying isn't going hit them as bad.

I have no idea. We were doing fine. Going to dinner, date nights, watching TV and movies together, no real arguing.

She's gotten herself convinced (based on what she says) that it was horrible and the marriage was awful. It sounds more like the boyfriend talking than her.

When? Within the next days, no longer than a week. I just don't have a path forward that makes sense. I was supposed to always have her at my side. No matter what direction I go from here, she's always going to be missing from the place she should be.

No matter what place I live, or furniture I put in it, no matter what stuff I acquire and put in there, no matter how it's decorated, she still won't be there.

It won't change that I've got three decades of memories both romantic and platonic that she's the central figure in. I can't call up ANY memories that she isn't in. Everything I look at reminds me of something we did or something we were going to do.

It's just too much. She's everywhere I turn and the only way this ends positively for me is if she asks me to come home.

So that is why I can't really be talked out of it. I feel very strongly that this is the right choice for me. Really, the only one.

There's just a constant state of rabbit panic. Just constantly feeling like I need to run away and escape where I am, but I am trying to escape my own thoughts. You can't claw your way out of your own head.

This is not what I would have chosen, it's not what I wanted for my life or my end, but I don't think anyone sets out with this as a goal.

What I wanted is now out of reach for me, so if that happiness is lost to me, at least I can make a choice that keeps me from decades of misery.

I'm so sorry for all this man, your children not caring much about your presence and what broke me even more is the fact that they aren't even bothered by the fact that you were about to die, let alone be devastated about it.

And as for that woman, I truly hope she gets her fair share of life getting back at her for all the bullshit she has done to you.

The fact that she would do this even without a reason is just fucked up.

This might sound insensitive and it might be to you, and I'm really sorry about that. I know how you said you can't imagine your life without her anymore and how you'll be experiencing decades of misery and suffering if you live any further, and I do know you're suffering with extreme depression at the moment along with other mental health issues and I'm really sorry about that too, I really am, but how about you give life another shot for like a couple months before you make the decision to CTB? At the moment, I know suicide might feel like the answer and I truly hope you find peace in it once you make the decision, but can there be a possibility where you start a new beginning all over again, having moved on?

If you do decide that suicide is the right answer for you and you've lost all your hope and faith in living life anymore, I'll respect that decision and I do truly hope you find peace and comfort in it. Whatever is waiting for you on the other side, may it treat you well.