I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time

[unclejack]

Now, I'm sure everyone has heard similar, rolls their eyes and says "oh, it's about a woman.", but I think it's different here.

We were teens, we we friends. Average, quickly close, soon best. Inseparable, but not romantic. Talked every single day, always the first person the other brought news to. Years passed. In my mid-late 20s, she approached me about making our relationship more than friendship.

We made the jump.

It. Was. Incredible.

It was like someone just turned off my major depressive disorder. I was flooded with so much serotonin that I was experiencing true, honest, natural happiness for the first time in years. I was terrified it would stop, but as long as she was there, I was *invincible*.

We moved in together, we married. We had an apartment, we had a house, lived there for a long time. We moved to a new state, bought a bigger house. Lived there for years.

To fast forward a bit, today as I post this I'm nearly 50.

On July 7th of this year, thanks to an overheard phone conversation from behind a closed door as I walked by, I discovered that my beloved wife and best friend of decades had recently started sleeping with her boss at work.

She immediately turned to ice when she realized I'd overheard. Ran to the door and threw it open when she heard the floor creak and just stared at me.

I then unfortunately got pneumonia which developed into double and then kidney failure. Spent days in the ICU. In the interim she boxed all my belongings up and stuffed them in the garage and changed the locks. She emails me once a day for "divorce business" and otherwise blocks all texts and calls from me.

I literally exited the hospital and weeks on a ventilator to discover almost all our mutual friends have deserted me, she's spreading bogus sympathy stories online for attention. She won't allow me in the residence, I hadn't worked in a month, she had access to the accounts while I was in hospital and there's nothing.

I am literally in possession of my car and nothing else.

I have decided that with the severity of the depression coupled with my extreme OCD, I am going to hard circle this until it happens sooner or later. I'd rather do it when I'm in a place with the capability of planning as opposed to wild panic and despair.

I was a (computer) engineer, but you work in the same facilities, learn the same things.

I have decided to h2s in my car. I have printed MSDS sheets for the gas, warnings for first responders, PPE warnings, warnings not to open the vehicle or break windows, hazmat warnings. These are for the windows. I have goggles to avoid eye burns.

My problem is that I know the *general* idea of what I need and have been told that it's all Walmart/etc kinda stuff, I just don't know exactly what and how much.

Otherwise, I have spent a month rolling the idea around, and I have decided I'm ready to CTB. I won't ever be able to stop myself circling it, and she was literally part of my life significantly longer than she wasn't. I don't have a single major memory she isn't in, and across my years, I've done everything I wanted to. I was just supposed to work a few more years and retire with my wife.

I don't have anything else I need to do.

So, that's my story. Hi.

 

[Lamentice]

Holy shit, humans are so goddamn evil, imagine being this fucking cruel, I am so fucking sorry dude.... may you find peace, please

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Hi, welcome, and sorry to hear. IMO, CO or practically anything else from the attached thread would be a much better bet, but good luck with whatever you choose.

Suicide Resource Compilation

All the links to threads, videos, audio, downloads, and information found here are being made available only for educational purposes, and have been shared by users; we cannot assure the accuracy of the data. This means the way you use this data is fully your responsibility, that you need to...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[Live_Life55]

Hi, welcome, and sorry to hear. IMO, CO or practically anything else from the attached thread would be a much better bet, but good luck with whatever you choose.

Suicide Resource Compilation

All the links to threads, videos, audio, downloads, and information found here are being made available only for educational purposes, and have been shared by users; we cannot assure the accuracy of the data. This means the way you use this data is fully your responsibility, that you need to...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Why is it more reliable

 

[unclejack]

It's that I have a very small amount of money and am very limited. The appeal of one good deep breath at the appropriate ppm is extremely high.

 

[yotaka]

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this, friend. How can life be so horrific? I am wishing you peace and transcendence, whatever that may look like for you

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Why is it more reliable

Well, with his current choice, he doesn't know exactly what he needs or how much or where to find that out. With CO, there's a megathread for that, and also a pph section for that… and no need to worry about burning your eyes out.

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

I'm so sorry that asshole did that to you

 

[unclejack]

Well, with his current choice, he doesn't know exactly what he needs or how much or where to find that out. With CO, there's a megathread for that, and also a pph section for that… and no need to worry about burning your eyes out.

Well, yeah. That's why I have goggles. The goal is to basically have separate prepared buckets and then everything goes together so that incidental exposure is low, place in car, lay seat flat since it collects lower faster and call it a night.

I'm just hoping for a nudge in the right direction.

I've tried ligature and hanging and I'm just too much of a claustrophobic for it. I panic. I don't have a place I can do charcoal that won't be immediately noticed. I do know locations I can quickly mix a relatively rapidly propagating invisible gas that doesn't require fire, though. Locations that would go unobserved for hours. It's just that the CO methods would all draw too much attention.

For my situation, this is really what I am able to do that should be extremely reliable.

 

[findingpeace08]

@unclejack if you feel confortable, may you answer one question? Do you regret living all these years?

Your story made me astonished, I'm 18 years old also probably going to ctb and I thought about my experience with heartbreak and how I suffered even though it wasn't as close as yours. I'm sorry you have gone through this, how can a person be for 30 years one and then suddenly change? I will never fucking understand

edit 1: And also, i hope we all find happiness and peace wherever that is.

 

[BloodStainedAntlers]

I'm so sorry to hear that man, thats absolutely fucking horrible. You've really been through hell, what that woman did was nothing short from evil :(
I hope peace finds you, however that may be <3

 

[unclejack]

@unclejack if you feel confortable, may you answer one question? Do you regret living all these years?

Your story made me astonished, I'm 18 years old also probably going to ctb and I thought about my experience with heartbreak and how I suffered even though it wasn't as close as yours. I'm sorry you have gone through this, how can a person be for 30 years one and then suddenly change? I will never fucking understand

edit 1: And also, i hope we all find happiness and peace wherever that is.

In all honesty, even knowing that it would end in me dying in a car... I'd still do it again. Literally the best woman I've ever been with. The end is hell but the journey to it wasn't. My major depressive and general anhedonia manifested at about age 5. Meds never affected my symptoms. She did. For all the years of our marriage, I was legitimately happy, unmedicated. All she had to do was smile at me and serotonin was everywhere, lol.

I don't understand it myself, she's like a completely different person. I don't recognize her and she doesn't move the same or even carry the same cadence of speech.

That's part of what made this choice easier. Not only is she gone, but she's been replaced with a cruel monster wearing her face.

She also knows the sort of person I am, so she knows the right things to say to push me in the right direction. About the only non-business things she says to me are cruel and exactly the kind of things that lock me into just the right destructive thought patterns that would hasten this decision if I hadn't already made it.

 

[findingpeace08]

In all honesty, even knowing that it would end in me dying in a car... I'd still do it again. Literally the best woman I've ever been with. The end is hell but the journey to it wasn't. My major depressive and general anhedonia manifested at about age 5. Meds never affected my symptoms. She did. For all the years of our marriage, I was legitimately happy, unmedicated. All she had to do was smile at me and serotonin was everywhere, lol.

I don't understand it myself, she's like a completely different person. I don't recognize her and she doesn't move the same or even carry the same cadence of speech.

That's part of what made this choice easier. Not only is she gone, but she's been replaced with a cruel monster wearing her face.

She also knows the sort of person I am, so she knows the right things to say to push me in the right direction. About the only non-business things she says to me are cruel and exactly the kind of things that lock me into just the right destructive thought patterns that would hasten this decision if I hadn't already made it.

@unclejack That's beautiful what you wrote. Maybe her genetics decide to sctivate some crazy personality disorder or she just decided to be an asshole, remember to make a will so she doesn't have your money. I asked you because besides curiosity, i'm very into philosophy, and I always wonder if life is inherently bad, if it can be good, can be bad.

I think most society would agree that some people life can suck, others be happy

Then i would argue that ctb is still the best, because what if it suck, what if idk someone torture us lol, what if it sucks and u don't even know, we don't have any certainty besides we exist.

Why do u want to CTB if you think your life was so great for such a long time?

Edit: my philosophical opinion now is that life 75% sucks independent of the living being contenxt, i like the concept of assymetry of good by david berner

 

[lunamoonki]

I am so sorry....
Maybe don't think of this as the end. But a new beginning. A chance to start your life all over.

 

[unclejack]

@unclejack That's beautiful what you wrote. Maybe her genetics decide to sctivate some crazy personality disorder or she just decided to be an asshole, remember to make a will so she doesn't have your money. I asked you because besides curiosity, i'm very into philosophy, and I always wonder if life is inherently bad, if it can be good, can be bad.

I think most society would agree that some people life can suck, others be happy

Then i would argue that ctb is still the best, because what if it suck, what if idk someone torture us lol, what if it sucks and u don't even know, we don't have any certainty besides we exist.

Why do u want to CTB if you think your life was so great for such a long time?

Edit: my philosophical opinion now is that life 75% sucks independent of the living being contenxt, i like the concept of assymetry of good by david berner

Well, because I literally don't have a single memory that she isn't in. It's overwhelming. Every photo I've taken for literal decades has her in it. Everything I have, such as it is, has some tie to her. My debit card design was done by her. She designed some of my tattoos. Every movie I've seen in decades, every trip, everything I've seen, everywhere I've been. All her. She took everything, I don't have anything but my car that I plan to die in.

That's why I want to. Yes, everything with her was amazing and wonderful but the problem is is that it's gone. The loss is too great, she occupied too large a place for too long for me to sustain the loss and keep going.

She also took every mutual friend. I don't even have people to talk to about it.

I am so sorry....
Maybe don't think of this as the end. But a new beginning. A chance to start your life all over.

You can't start over after losing someone who has been there across three decades. At least I don't. I don't want a new beginning, I want the life she promised me.

I'm not young anymore. I'm tired. If she won't have me, I don't have it in me to keep going.

 

[findingpeace08]

Well, because I literally don't have a single memory that she isn't in. It's overwhelming. Every photo I've taken for literal decades has her in it. Everything I have, such as it is, has some tie to her. My debit card design was done by her. She designed some of my tattoos. Every movie I've seen in decades, every trip, everything I've seen, everywhere I've been. All her. She took everything, I don't have anything but my car that I plan to die in.

That's why I want to. Yes, everything with her was amazing and wonderful but the problem is is that it's gone. The loss is too great, she occupied too large a place for too long for me to sustain the loss and keep going.

She also took every mutual friend. I don't even have people to talk to about it.

You can't start over after losing someone who has been there across three decades. At least I don't. I don't want a new beginning, I want the life she promised me.

I'm not young anymore. I'm tired. If she won't have me, I don't have it in me to keep going.

I can't even imagine this situation brother. Jesus i suffered so much for love and i dind't even got to have a boyfriend Maybe Amy Winehouse is right and love is a losing game.

I'm 18 but also tired

I hope you find happiness and peace, you remind me of my father, i think if it wasn't for me my mother and sister, and his big faith about reincarnation, he would've been gone too, he is 54.

If you want to talk im always up too, may the universe bless us all, hopefully.

Thanks for answering my questions. :)

 

[flowersforalgernons]

ty for sharing your story. is there anything you are planning on doing before you go, like a bucket list?

i am sorry your wife did that to you and then you got so sick :( life is really unfair

 

[unclejack]

I can't even imagine this situation brother. Jesus i suffered so much for love and i dind't even got to have a boyfriend Maybe Amy Winehouse is right and love is a losing game.

I'm 18 but also tired

I hope you find happiness and peace, you remind me of my father, i think if it wasn't for me my mother and sister, and his big faith about reincarnation, he would've been gone too, he is 54.

If you want to talk im always up too, may the universe bless us all, hopefully.

Thanks for answering my questions. :)

Yeah, I often describe it as the emotional equivalent of those scenes in movies where someone is trying to scoop their intestines back in. It's never going to work but you keep desperately trying to undo this inescapable horror that has befallen you. Only purely emotional.

It's just, I gave away too much of me and replaced it with too much of her. When she took hers back, she kept mine too.

I don't have enough left to be whole.

 

[hughmun9]

Wow, I'm deeply gutted reading your story. I don't listen to Jordan Peterson much or subscribe to his ideology, but it reminds me of him mentioning that betrayal is the lowest level of hell. I can't imagine what it must be like being in your shoes right now...

What's shocking for me is that I'm used to this kind of behaviour coming from disturbed individuals that have a regular pattern of emotional abuse, gaslighting, betrayal etc. But you describe having had a healthy 3 decade long marriage. That's such a wild twist to experience at the end, I guess because you wouldn't see it coming.

 

[unclejack]

Wow, I'm deeply gutted reading your story. I don't listen to Jordan Peterson much or subscribe to his ideology, but it reminds me of him mentioning that betrayal is the lowest level of hell. I can't imagine what it must be like being in your shoes right now...

What's shocking for me is that I'm used to this kind of behaviour coming from disturbed individuals that have a regular pattern of emotional abuse, gaslighting, betrayal etc. But you describe having had a healthy 3 decade long marriage. That's such a wild twist to experience at the end, I guess because you wouldn't see it coming.

It's like I said to someone else: I don't recognize her. It's like someone else is wearing her face. She doesn't even talk in the same manner. Cadence of her words is different. Her head moves differently, hands move differently.

So she's not just gone, she's... replaced by a version that I don't know. It makes everything far worse. It's why I'm so desperate to get my ingredients and quantity correct. I don't want to keep doing this. It's literally worse every day.

 

[hughmun9]

It's like I said to some else: I don't recognize her. It's like someone else is wearing her face. She doesn't even talk in the same manner. Cadence of her words is different. Her head moves differently, hands move differently.

So she's not just gone, she's... replaced by a version that I don't know. It makes everything far worse. It's why I'm so desperate to get my ingredients and quantity correct. I don't want to keep doing this. It's literally worse every day.

I'm talking out of my ass here since I don't truly understand how this could happen, I'm just using my imagination: But maybe she made a mistake, let herself be swept up by lust and had the hubris to believe she wouldn't get caught. Once she did it was too much even for her to process the reality of what she had done. So because of avoiding the processing of the situation her natural emotions don't flow through anymore, leading to more robotic, intellectualized behaviour as opposed to spontaneous behaviour coming from the soul?

 

[unclejack]

I'm talking out of my ass here since I don't truly understand how this could happen, I'm just using my imagination: But maybe she made a mistake, let herself be swept up by lust and had the hubris to believe she wouldn't get caught. Once she did it was too much even for her to process the reality of what she had done. So because of avoiding the processing of the situation her natural emotions don't flow through anymore, leading to more robotic, intellectualized behaviour as opposed to spontaneous behaviour coming from the soul?

I mean maybe. She's just, here's an example of a box of my things she packed: A DVD, an old PS2 game, one shoe, a box of tea, one Blu-ray. That was the entire box. It's like something broke.

 

[hughmun9]

I mean maybe. She's just, here's an example of a box of my things she packed: A DVD, and old PS2 game, one shoe, a box of tea, one Blu-ray. That was the entire box. It's like something broke.

Damn, I don't know what to make of that... A single shoe? Box of tea is something off your grocery list not a personal item one would normally go back for, strange for her to include that. And she's blocked all texts and calls and changed the locks. Without any sort of communication it's impossible to understand what's going through her mind.

 

[unclejack]

Damn, I don't know what to make of that... A single shoe? Box of tea is something off your grocery list not a personal item one would normally go back for, strange for her to include that. And she's blocked all texts and calls and changed the locks. Without any sort of communication it's impossible to understand what's going through her mind.

Yeah, I get one email from her per day, sometimes less, sometimes more. Otherwise everything is blocked. Nothing is organized in a way that makes sense. It's like someone made a copy but got all the finer details wrong.

I mean, this was previously one of the most tender women I've ever known, and she told me she wished I'd died in the hospital because it would have been easier.

Someone who once sobbed at the idea that my depression might ever take me from her going to intentionally trying to say things that she knows will lead to the end I already chose for myself.

 

[findingpeace08]

Yeah, I get one email from her per day, sometimes less, sometimes more. Otherwise everything is blocked. Nothing is organized in a way that makes sense. It's like someone made a copy but got all the finer details wrong.

I mean, this was previously one of the most tender women I've ever known, and she told me she wished I'd died in the hospital because it would have been easier.

Someone who once sobbed at the idea that my depression might ever take me from her going to intentionally trying to say things that she knows will lead to the end I already chose for myself.

I really do believe that she had in her genetics some crazy personality disorder and it finally activated the gene or i don't know demonic posession, at least you have the memories


I think about some friends i had that turned out to be assholes after years, and I atleat smile thinking about the good moments :(

 

[psty2125]

Hey man, I'm sorry to hear that. Just out of curiosity and nothing more, did you have any children with her?

And what do you think would've been the reason for her infidelity? Was your relationship rocky with her in the last few years, or was it out of the blue?

Obviously as much as I want to convince and support you through this time and have you not commit suicide, I know I can't as you've already made up your mind and that's fine, but when do you plan on CTB? If you do go through it, then I truly do hope that you know that you made the right decision.

Now, I'm sure everyone has heard similar, rolls their eyes and says "oh, it's about a woman.", but I think it's different here.

We were teens, we we friends. Average, quickly close, soon best. Inseparable, but not romantic. Talked every single day, always the first person the other brought news to. Years passed. In my mid-late 20s, she approached me about making our relationship more than friendship.

We made the jump.

It. Was. Incredible.

It was like someone just turned off my major depressive disorder. I was flooded with so much serotonin that I was experiencing true, honest, natural happiness for the first time in years. I was terrified it would stop, but as long as she was there, I was *invincible*.

We moved in together, we married. We had an apartment, we had a house, lived there for a long time. We moved to a new state, bought a bigger house. Lived there for years.

To fast forward a bit, today as I post this I'm nearly 50.

On July 7th of this year, thanks to an overheard phone conversation from behind a closed door as I walked by, I discovered that my beloved wife and best friend of decades had recently started sleeping with her boss at work.

She immediately turned to ice when she realized I'd overheard. Ran to the door and threw it open when she heard the floor creak and just stared at me.

I then unfortunately got pneumonia which developed into double and then kidney failure. Spent days in the ICU. In the interim she boxed all my belongings up and stuffed them in the garage and changed the locks. She emails me once a day for "divorce business" and otherwise blocks all texts and calls from me.

I literally exited the hospital and weeks on a ventilator to discover almost all our mutual friends have deserted me, she's spreading bogus sympathy stories online for attention. She won't allow me in the residence, I hadn't worked in a month, she had access to the accounts while I was in hospital and there's nothing.

I am literally in possession of my car and nothing else.

I have decided that with the severity of the depression coupled with my extreme OCD, I am going to hard circle this until it happens sooner or later. I'd rather do it when I'm in a place with the capability of planning as opposed to wild panic and despair.

I was a (computer) engineer, but you work in the same facilities, learn the same things.

I have decided to h2s in my car. I have printed MSDS sheets for the gas, warnings for first responders, PPE warnings, warnings not to open the vehicle or break windows, hazmat warnings. These are for the windows. I have goggles to avoid eye burns.

My problem is that I know the *general* idea of what I need and have been told that it's all Walmart/etc kinda stuff, I just don't know exactly what and how much.

Otherwise, I have spent a month rolling the idea around, and I have decided I'm ready to CTB. I won't ever be able to stop myself circling it, and she was literally part of my life significantly longer than she wasn't. I don't have a single major memory she isn't in, and across my years, I've done everything I wanted to. I was just supposed to work a few more years and retire with my wife.

I don't have anything else I need to do.

So, that's my story. Hi.

 

[unclejack]

Hey man, I'm sorry to hear that. Just out of curiosity and nothing more, did you have any children with her?

And what do you think would've been the reason for her infidelity? Was your relationship rocky with her in the last few years, or was it out of the blue?

Obviously as much as I want to convince and support you through this time and have you not commit suicide, I know I can't as you've already made up your mind and that's fine, but when do you plan on CTB? If you do go through it, then I truly do hope that you know that you made the right decision.

We did, they're grown. Past the point where my continued presence is still needed. Old enough that the idea of a parent dying is inevitable and not terrifying.

Besides, she had called everyone and spent my time in the hospital telling them I would probably die and getting them prepared for it. So they're already in a mental place where me dying isn't going hit them as bad.

I have no idea. We were doing fine. Going to dinner, date nights, watching TV and movies together, no real arguing.

She's gotten herself convinced (based on what she says) that it was horrible and the marriage was awful. It sounds more like the boyfriend talking than her.

When? Within the next days, no longer than a week. I just don't have a path forward that makes sense. I was supposed to always have her at my side. No matter what direction I go from here, she's always going to be missing from the place she should be.

No matter what place I live, or furniture I put in it, no matter what stuff I acquire and put in there, no matter how it's decorated, she still won't be there.

It won't change that I've got three decades of memories both romantic and platonic that she's the central figure in. I can't call up ANY memories that she isn't in. Everything I look at reminds me of something we did or something we were going to do.

It's just too much. She's everywhere I turn and the only way this ends positively for me is if she asks me to come home.

So that is why I can't really be talked out of it. I feel very strongly that this is the right choice for me. Really, the only one.

There's just a constant state of rabbit panic. Just constantly feeling like I need to run away and escape where I am, but I am trying to escape my own thoughts. You can't claw your way out of your own head.

This is not what I would have chosen, it's not what I wanted for my life or my end, but I don't think anyone sets out with this as a goal.

What I wanted is now out of reach for me, so if that happiness is lost to me, at least I can make a choice that keeps me from decades of misery.

 

[CTB Dream]

vsry this human ntr awfl alws btry alws prblm no prdct anytm prsn chng vsry hpnall

 

[fluorescentpearl]

It's honestly reading things such as this that make me believe in possession or in malignant forces, I cannot even.. Comprehend the idea of doing something like that or having it happen to me, I am so incredibly sorry for what your beloved sweet wife has become and done to you, if you can even call this woman by the same terms you'd describe who she used to be..
I hope you'll find peace and rest after everything that's been done..

 

[findingpeace08]

We did, they're grown. Past the point where my continued presence is still needed. Old enough that the idea of a parent dying is inevitable and not terrifying.

Besides, she had called everyone and spent my time in the hospital telling them I would probably die and getting them prepared for it. So they're already in a mental place where me dying isn't going hit them as bad.

I have no idea. We were doing fine. Going to dinner, date nights, watching TV and movies together, no real arguing.

She's gotten herself convinced (based on what she says) that it was horrible and the marriage was awful. It sounds more like the boyfriend talking than her.

When? Within the next days, no longer than a week. I just don't have a path forward that makes sense. I was supposed to always have her at my side. No matter what direction I go from here, she's always going to be missing from the place she should be.

No matter what place I live, or furniture I put in it, no matter what stuff I acquire and put in there, no matter how it's decorated, she still won't be there.

It won't change that I've got three decades of memories both romantic and platonic that she's the central figure in. I can't call up ANY memories that she isn't in. Everything I look at reminds me of something we did or something we were going to do.

It's just too much. She's everywhere I turn and the only way this ends positively for me is if she asks me to come home.

So that is why I can't really be talked out of it. I feel very strongly that this is the right choice for me. Really, the only one.

There's just a constant state of rabbit panic. Just constantly feeling like I need to run away and escape where I am, but I am trying to escape my own thoughts. You can't claw your way out of your own head.

This is not what I would have chosen, it's not what I wanted for my life or my end, but I don't think anyone sets out with this as a goal.

What I wanted is now out of reach for me, so if that happiness is lost to me, at least I can make a choice that keeps me from decades of misery.

Oh my god you also have children this makes the situation more bizarre, they must be sad too :(

I will prob ctb until next week too, good luck for us wherever we go