wylcel
mimi
- Oct 25, 2024
- 20
Hi everyone, I hope you're doing well today,,
This is going to be a long one and it's okay if you don't feel like reading it all, I just feel so alone and have no one to talk to about this.
Whenever I've tried mentioning it to anyone I just get basic therapyspeak because no one gets it because it's a very complicated and naturally unhealthy, to most childish seeming relationship. But it's too important to me and to my being for me to just focus on the modern ideal of a "healthy" relationship. I'm meant to suffer in beautiful and awful ways, I'm meant to live fully, I'm meant for my life to be a terrible piece of art (and I'm making an album about this relationship as I write this).
So I'm not looking for any advice, I've already heard the classic response of just getting out of the relationship and not living like this anymore because it's unhealthy but I just can't, I just need someone to listen and suspend their disbelief without judging me.
So in short, this is about two girls who are very deeply important to me.
One is a big sister to me in every way but biological, she was the first person I ever met who I ever felt actually saw me for who I truly am, she molded me into the person I am today and she's the most important person in my life and I changed my name to legally seem related to her.
The other is my best friend/situationship/girlfriend, I can't really put our relationship into words. Many people criticize or even hate her for being "too dramatic" or seeing her own life as if it was a movie, she chooses meaningful suffering over stability and basic happiness, what's most important to her is that her life tells a damn good story.
I was drawn and enamored by her for this, and being the traumatized and deeply impressionable girl I am, I ended up internalizing many of her characteristics and letting her form me as well, now I share her outlook on life and we ended up forming a sort of own world of ours, with our own way of living and perceiving the world.
One of the most important concepts to us was the concept of a "muse". We both loved each other dearly and part of that was accepting that we aren't the most significant person in the other's lives, she had an other girl and I had my big sister. It was a rule that we'd never touch each other's muses, as there was nothing more sacred to us than them.
But that was months, almost a year ago. She's changed since then and I feel as if she's destroyed our world and everything that made us, us. She's growing up and I'm left behind with everything I inherited from her, left behind with how she formed me, with ideals that she doesn't align with anymore.
These past few months she's been slowly growing closer and closer to my sister, what we used to consider my 'muse'. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate it more than anything. She's stomping all over everything we built, she's breaking the rules and way of living that she made, that she made me accept and grow into.
I'm not a very jealous person, at least I hope I'm not. We have an open relationship, she actively goes out with other people, and I know my sister has other people in her life that are probably more important to her than I am too, and I'm completely okay with that. What hurts me is this combination specifically. My girlfriend could have grown this close to literally any other person in the world and I wouldn't have minded, but it just had to be the person I cherish the most.
She insists that this doesn't affect my relationship with my sister at all, that it's still sacred, that it's untouched by her. But she's just lying to me and herself to help her sleep at night. The two most important people in my life have slowly been growing closer and closer and I'm just growing more and more alone, I'm being slowly replaced.
They ignore my messages but near instantly respond to each other, they spend much more time with each other than with either of them with me, I found my girlfriend doing things with her she made me promise I'd never do with anyone other than her. I'm being replaced on two different fronts at the same time and there's nothing I can do about it.
I hate her so much. I so deeply want to tell her that our relationship has been ruined beyond repair and that there's nothing she can do about it, the bridge has already been burnt. I wish I could break down in front of her, tell her I'm going to kill myself because of her and there's nothing she can do about it but I'm too much of a coward to do it.
Now I'm alone, all I have is myself and my only outlet, the music I make. I've always been suicidal since I was 11 years old but I've had a few albums that I know I want or have to make before I die to make anything worthwhile out of this constant suffering, leave some kind of mark on the world, but I'm losing my drive even for that, I hardly even care about leaving a mark anymore, I just want it to be over.
My magnum opus, my final album was supposed to be the culmination of everything I've ever done, an album about my big sister, but my girlfriend has tainted that relationship so deeply, I'm not sure I can even make it anymore. When I'm with my sister I see her texting my girlfriend and I just can't think or focus on anything else apart from this pit in my stomach.
I just feel so deeply alone and like I have nothing to do but end it at this point.
If you read all of this I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I just desperately needed to tell somebody about this.
Thank you.
This is going to be a long one and it's okay if you don't feel like reading it all, I just feel so alone and have no one to talk to about this.
Whenever I've tried mentioning it to anyone I just get basic therapyspeak because no one gets it because it's a very complicated and naturally unhealthy, to most childish seeming relationship. But it's too important to me and to my being for me to just focus on the modern ideal of a "healthy" relationship. I'm meant to suffer in beautiful and awful ways, I'm meant to live fully, I'm meant for my life to be a terrible piece of art (and I'm making an album about this relationship as I write this).
So I'm not looking for any advice, I've already heard the classic response of just getting out of the relationship and not living like this anymore because it's unhealthy but I just can't, I just need someone to listen and suspend their disbelief without judging me.
So in short, this is about two girls who are very deeply important to me.
One is a big sister to me in every way but biological, she was the first person I ever met who I ever felt actually saw me for who I truly am, she molded me into the person I am today and she's the most important person in my life and I changed my name to legally seem related to her.
The other is my best friend/situationship/girlfriend, I can't really put our relationship into words. Many people criticize or even hate her for being "too dramatic" or seeing her own life as if it was a movie, she chooses meaningful suffering over stability and basic happiness, what's most important to her is that her life tells a damn good story.
I was drawn and enamored by her for this, and being the traumatized and deeply impressionable girl I am, I ended up internalizing many of her characteristics and letting her form me as well, now I share her outlook on life and we ended up forming a sort of own world of ours, with our own way of living and perceiving the world.
One of the most important concepts to us was the concept of a "muse". We both loved each other dearly and part of that was accepting that we aren't the most significant person in the other's lives, she had an other girl and I had my big sister. It was a rule that we'd never touch each other's muses, as there was nothing more sacred to us than them.
But that was months, almost a year ago. She's changed since then and I feel as if she's destroyed our world and everything that made us, us. She's growing up and I'm left behind with everything I inherited from her, left behind with how she formed me, with ideals that she doesn't align with anymore.
These past few months she's been slowly growing closer and closer to my sister, what we used to consider my 'muse'. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate it more than anything. She's stomping all over everything we built, she's breaking the rules and way of living that she made, that she made me accept and grow into.
I'm not a very jealous person, at least I hope I'm not. We have an open relationship, she actively goes out with other people, and I know my sister has other people in her life that are probably more important to her than I am too, and I'm completely okay with that. What hurts me is this combination specifically. My girlfriend could have grown this close to literally any other person in the world and I wouldn't have minded, but it just had to be the person I cherish the most.
She insists that this doesn't affect my relationship with my sister at all, that it's still sacred, that it's untouched by her. But she's just lying to me and herself to help her sleep at night. The two most important people in my life have slowly been growing closer and closer and I'm just growing more and more alone, I'm being slowly replaced.
They ignore my messages but near instantly respond to each other, they spend much more time with each other than with either of them with me, I found my girlfriend doing things with her she made me promise I'd never do with anyone other than her. I'm being replaced on two different fronts at the same time and there's nothing I can do about it.
I hate her so much. I so deeply want to tell her that our relationship has been ruined beyond repair and that there's nothing she can do about it, the bridge has already been burnt. I wish I could break down in front of her, tell her I'm going to kill myself because of her and there's nothing she can do about it but I'm too much of a coward to do it.
Now I'm alone, all I have is myself and my only outlet, the music I make. I've always been suicidal since I was 11 years old but I've had a few albums that I know I want or have to make before I die to make anything worthwhile out of this constant suffering, leave some kind of mark on the world, but I'm losing my drive even for that, I hardly even care about leaving a mark anymore, I just want it to be over.
My magnum opus, my final album was supposed to be the culmination of everything I've ever done, an album about my big sister, but my girlfriend has tainted that relationship so deeply, I'm not sure I can even make it anymore. When I'm with my sister I see her texting my girlfriend and I just can't think or focus on anything else apart from this pit in my stomach.
I just feel so deeply alone and like I have nothing to do but end it at this point.
If you read all of this I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I just desperately needed to tell somebody about this.
Thank you.
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