sifp
Member
- Aug 19, 2026
- 58
I think my current therapist has the most compassionate attitude toward suicidal people.
She does try to talk me out of it and wants to prohibit me from being active in SaSu. She has never threatened to commit me and just asks me to check in with her everyday.
I asked her about the idea of rational suicide when your mind passes the threshold of fixable. She pushed back a bit but recognized how it could seem rational in that case. She also of course mentioned that mental health views suicidally and hopelessness as part of the illness and as treatable with extremely hard work and treatment.
But then here is where things got even more surprising and validating. I told her I was giving myself a year and if at the end I am still suffering profoundly with no end in sight, intend to CTB. I thought I'd get a lecture or a trip to the ward. She responded by saying that's totally reasonable but she won't accept the time frame. She said she needs time. That my situation is exceptionally difficult but she sees a very slow path out. Asked me for three years. Said she has other clients with the same plan but typically 5-10 years. I was shocked and applauded her reaction. Made me feel motivated to give recovery a try even though I'm 99% sure it's out of reach for me.
TBH I've felt pretty far gone for about a year with about 80% of my thinking each day devoted to planning and just feeling like I am uniquely mentally broken particularly because my mental illness and psych meds have reduced my intellect from a college professor to a spacey child. I think I'm gonna get all the chemicals I need for my ctb plan, ask someone close to me to hold it for a year or so, and give recovery everything I got even though it feels impossible being stuck in a perpetual panic laced dissociated terror void with minimal cognitive faculties to draw on.
But hey, maybe the phrase that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem is not entirely false, just woefully incomplete. Perhaps it's more like suicide is a permanent solution to a problem that is sometimes temporary and sometimes permanent.
She does try to talk me out of it and wants to prohibit me from being active in SaSu. She has never threatened to commit me and just asks me to check in with her everyday.
I asked her about the idea of rational suicide when your mind passes the threshold of fixable. She pushed back a bit but recognized how it could seem rational in that case. She also of course mentioned that mental health views suicidally and hopelessness as part of the illness and as treatable with extremely hard work and treatment.
But then here is where things got even more surprising and validating. I told her I was giving myself a year and if at the end I am still suffering profoundly with no end in sight, intend to CTB. I thought I'd get a lecture or a trip to the ward. She responded by saying that's totally reasonable but she won't accept the time frame. She said she needs time. That my situation is exceptionally difficult but she sees a very slow path out. Asked me for three years. Said she has other clients with the same plan but typically 5-10 years. I was shocked and applauded her reaction. Made me feel motivated to give recovery a try even though I'm 99% sure it's out of reach for me.
TBH I've felt pretty far gone for about a year with about 80% of my thinking each day devoted to planning and just feeling like I am uniquely mentally broken particularly because my mental illness and psych meds have reduced my intellect from a college professor to a spacey child. I think I'm gonna get all the chemicals I need for my ctb plan, ask someone close to me to hold it for a year or so, and give recovery everything I got even though it feels impossible being stuck in a perpetual panic laced dissociated terror void with minimal cognitive faculties to draw on.
But hey, maybe the phrase that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem is not entirely false, just woefully incomplete. Perhaps it's more like suicide is a permanent solution to a problem that is sometimes temporary and sometimes permanent.
