Discussion My therapists reaction to reasonable suicide

[sifp]

I think my current therapist has the most compassionate attitude toward suicidal people.

She does try to talk me out of it and wants to prohibit me from being active in SaSu. She has never threatened to commit me and just asks me to check in with her everyday.

I asked her about the idea of rational suicide when your mind passes the threshold of fixable. She pushed back a bit but recognized how it could seem rational in that case. She also of course mentioned that mental health views suicidally and hopelessness as part of the illness and as treatable with extremely hard work and treatment.

But then here is where things got even more surprising and validating. I told her I was giving myself a year and if at the end I am still suffering profoundly with no end in sight, intend to CTB. I thought I'd get a lecture or a trip to the ward. She responded by saying that's totally reasonable but she won't accept the time frame. She said she needs time. That my situation is exceptionally difficult but she sees a very slow path out. Asked me for three years. Said she has other clients with the same plan but typically 5-10 years. I was shocked and applauded her reaction. Made me feel motivated to give recovery a try even though I'm 99% sure it's out of reach for me.

TBH I've felt pretty far gone for about a year with about 80% of my thinking each day devoted to planning and just feeling like I am uniquely mentally broken particularly because my mental illness and psych meds have reduced my intellect from a college professor to a spacey child. I think I'm gonna get all the chemicals I need for my ctb plan, ask someone close to me to hold it for a year or so, and give recovery everything I got even though it feels impossible being stuck in a perpetual panic laced dissociated terror void with minimal cognitive faculties to draw on.

But hey, maybe the phrase that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem is not entirely false, just woefully incomplete. Perhaps it's more like suicide is a permanent solution to a problem that is sometimes temporary and sometimes permanent.

 

[N@te]

crazy thing to tell your psychiatrist
Hope it works out though, maybe she can help you

 

[LastNite]

One in a krillion therapist

 

[hughmun9]

She sounds like a really sweet, intelligent and authentic person. I'm a bit jealous.

mental illness and psych meds have reduced my intellect from a college professor to a spacey child

This is a big reason for my suicidal thoughts as well. After my psychotic episode, the psych meds and the isolation have done something similar to my intellect.

The only thing keeping me going is the promise of some of my mental faculties returning. An uplifting thought sifp is that it's surprising how fragile cognitive performance can be even for individuals that do not have a mountain of trauma and psychosis and depression holding them back. I've heard that even simple grief of a loved one's passing can affect an otherwise normally functioning neurotypical person's cognitive function for 8 months up to a year and a half sometimes. And I mean, significantly affect it. And there's no complex trauma there, no dissociation arguably, no psych meds, literally just grief.

So if you've gone through a difficult event recently it's more than reasonable to feel like you've lost some of your cognitive functioning for the moment, but it doesn't have to be permanent.

 

[sifp]

Thank you hughmun. That's honestly really comforting. Ya I had a nervous breakdown from my three violent autistic kids and struggling to perform at work. Lost my job. Then my house. Then my money. Then involuntarily psych ward visits. Now living penniless with my parents. Plus history of childhood trauma, lifelong psyche meds… possibly considering ECT… feels insurmountable. The cognitive collapse also happened as a teenager and lasted into my 20s and I don't think I fully regained my cognition but had enough to function until last year when the above happened (37 now). For a year I've been dead set on ctb, tried hanging while on ketamine, psh, have ordered SN. Taking a high dose of Ativan eliminates the SI. But if there were hope for regaining some cognition, I would hold out, as excruciating as it is. Because the level of impairment right now is almost funny. Struggle to dress myself. Cannot make my own food. Cannot make a schedule. Cannot converse with humans. My mind is devoid of thoughts save for the occasional children's song. Memory of a goldfish. Have to record therapy because it would be as if it never happened. Glad to hear I'm not the only one. I love this place and I love you.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

My psychologist years ago used to constantly ask if I am having suicidal thoughts. My answer was yes. He would ask if I had planned anything. I said no. Let's face it; talking about it is as useless as drowning your sorrows having 10 beers. If it's going to happen it's going to happen.

 

[GardenGirl089]

Wow. You are lucky to have a therapist that does not overreact. My first therapist when i opened up about multiple times attempting to overdose she discharged me saying i needed more help than she could give me. She wanted me to go into an iop program. I did not and just found a new therapist. Only three visits in and dont feel comfortable saying anything about being suicidal or attempting or heck even about finding this online platform. Dont feel i will ever tell anyone about the SI again. Im glad i can be open here at least. Kinda wish i had a therapist like yours. I did open up this week about the self harm by burning. So we will see how she handled that compared to my last therapist.

 

[roborabbit]

I tell my therapist that I'm suicidal all the time but I never confirm a plan. I've thought about doing the same thing you did. In my head she'd be totally understanding about a deadline but I do not think that is actually the case.

 

[samg12395]

Hey sifp,
There are some memory excercises you can do

https://www.magneticmemorymethod.com/brain-exercises/

These helped me out a lot and helped my memory improve 100% there is also a memory palace visualization technique you can learn to remember things easier I hope it helps it helped me out al ot

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

I tell my therapist that I'm suicidal all the time but I never confirm a plan. I've thought about doing the same thing you did. In my head she'd be totally understanding about a deadline but I do not think that is actually the case.

Good point. My psychologist years back was seeking information about planning. Even if I had a plan back then I would never told him.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I tell my therapist that I'm suicidal all the time but I never confirm a plan. I've thought about doing the same thing you did. In my head she'd be totally understanding about a deadline but I do not think that is actually the case.

I've told mine about my plans. They were a bit shocked at how much pre-meditation went into it. Bear in mind though, this was a psychologist, not a therapist. Therapists in my experience tend to freak the fuck out if you even mention suicide.

 

[deadngoresurgery]

Wow. You are lucky to have a therapist that does not overreact. My first therapist when i opened up about multiple times attempting to overdose she discharged me saying i needed more help than she could give me. She wanted me to go into an iop program. I did not and just found a new therapist. Only three visits in and dont feel comfortable saying anything about being suicidal or attempting or heck even about finding this online platform. Dont feel i will ever tell anyone about the SI again. Im glad i can be open here at least. Kinda wish i had a therapist like yours. I did open up this week about the self harm by burning. So we will see how she handled that compared to my last therapist.

my therapist actually was kind and understanding about my self harm. I told her ive been cutting my stomach and she actually understood why. she also didnt wanna send me to the psych ward or anything unlike the last therapist, so i could be honest with her. i really have to watch what i say tho because i think i f i say something about how i really wanna end it and have a plan, then she could send me back there.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

i was speaking to a member of the crisis team, she told me, "youre an adult and you can make your own decisions, but id like you to give it one last try" which was so refreshing to hear from someone, because there was a time where i was very open about the full extent of my suicidality, because i wanted to see how it would play out, and if it would help me enough to change my circumstances, unfortunately it didnt, but im glad that i was open, usually i just get told "you dont know what comes after death" or "you only want to end your life because of x which can be treated" so to have somebody take me seriously rather than act like i was just spitting out the irrational product of a mental illness was a great experience

 

[pickedmyctbdate]

I've heard that even simple grief of a loved one's passing can affect an otherwise normally functioning neurotypical person's cognitive function for 8 months up to a year and a half sometimes. And I mean, significantly affect it. And there's no complex trauma there, no dissociation arguably, no psych meds, literally just grief..

I an verify this is true. Right after my mother died three years ago, I had a period where suicide was the furthest thing from my mind. I stopped talking about it, stopped feeling suicidal, I thought it might have shocked it right out of me.

Only for a time. Once the grief came around, it's actually getting worse with time, not better.

And I am neurotypical, and as far as I know have no mental health issues (unless you count the bouts of feeling suicidal, which therapists and the DSM would say is depression, but those are voted on, not immutable laws of the universe). There are times I'm suicidal but not feeling depressed, and times I've been depressed but not suicidal. I don't believe I've ever met the criteria for Major Depressive Disorder if you remove suicidal thoughts from a one-way ticket to that diagnosis.

It's very clear that suicide is not ALWAYS the result of a mental illness. In some cultures, people have killed themselves for honor. Some have killed themselves rather than be taken prisoner. Some have killed themselves to make a statement about injustice. Obviously, not all these people just needed an antidepressant and a good therapist.

But the mental health industry is terrified to let go of the idea that any such thing could possibly exist. Partly for fear of lawsuits. Partly because they want to believe all broken machines can be fixed; therefore all broken people can be fixed.

If I hear "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," one more time, I will vomit. Sorry, platitudes aren't going to do the trick.

 

[health1978]

My psychologist years ago used to constantly ask if I am having suicidal thoughts. My answer was yes. He would ask if I had planned anything. I said no. Let's face it; talking about it is as useless as drowning your sorrows having 10 beers. If it's going to happen it's going to happen.

No fucking truer words. I am a piece or shit, I've talked about suicide for 4 years, and I'm a chicken, I've only managed to take pills and liquor. It's sad, I'm insane, sick, and if I'm being honest with myself, I'm probably to chicken to fucking to it. God damn it. I'm 48 and am so done.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

No fucking truer words. I am a piece or shit, I've talked about suicide for 4 years, and I'm a chicken, I've only managed to take pills and liquor. It's sad, I'm insane, sick, and if I'm being honest with myself, I'm probably to chicken to fucking to it. God damn it. I'm 48 and am so done.

It's the survival instinct we discuss on this forum. It is pretty strong for sure.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Where can I buy this therapist please?

 

[GardenGirl089]

my therapist actually was kind and understanding about my self harm. I told her ive been cutting my stomach and she actually understood why. she also didnt wanna send me to the psych ward or anything unlike the last therapist, so i could be honest with her. i really have to watch what i say tho because i think i f i say something about how i really wanna end it and have a plan, then she could send me back there.

I totally dont tell my new one about wanting to end it all or any plan. Thats what got me discharged from my counselor and sent on two psych holds against my will. So i totally understand that.