I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time

[unclejack]

Your joke was actually deep.. It took me some seconds to understand but i like that.. Good one!! The ability to joke in distress shows the strength

Oh, I've always used humor like any good comedian - as a defense mechanism. It's always been a good cover to hide emotions, I've done it for so long that it's second nature.

That's something I like about this place, I don't really have to do that. I can just say what I feel and people understand. It's nice.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Oh, I've always used humor like any good comedian - as a defense mechanism. It's always been a good cover to hide emotions, I've done it for so long that it's second nature.

That's something I like about this place, I don't really have to do that. I can just say what I feel and people understand. It's nice.

You and me have a lot in common I'm the most smiling face at my work place, I do lots of comedy even with my own tragedy.

Exactly SaSu is simply amazing. I feel at home when I'm here..i have a presentation to give at work today and I'm supposed to prepare for that, but I'm here spending time with you all. I feel good here with you all

 

[unclejack]

You and me have a lot in common I'm the most smiling face at my work place, I do lots of comedy even with my own tragedy.

Exactly SaSu is simply amazing. I feel at home when I'm here..i have a presentation to give at work today and I'm supposed to prepare for that, but I'm here spending time with you all. I feel good here with you all

It's the total lack of judgement and the pure offering of support no matter what your situation or choice.

It's ironic, most of us wouldn't be in need of a place like this (or planning what we're planning) if people were as supportive in the rest of our lives.

 

[ctb_warrior]

It's the total lack of judgement and the pure offering of support no matter what your situation or choice.

It's ironic, most of us wouldn't be in need of a place like this (or planning what we're planning) if people were as supportive in the rest of our lives.

So true!!!! And this makes me wonder, if those ppl in real life are abnormal or we ppl there's a quote i read, before you diagnose yourself with depression, check if you are not surrounded by a-h*les

 

[unclejack]

Still can't get this to work. Well, correction: If I raise myself to my knees or feet, it pulls the padding into position and I pass out.

I then fall into any other position that isn't kneeling or standing and I wake back up.

I don't know how to set them in a way that the pressure isn't altered by me falling over.

 

[unclejack]

And I just got fired. That's it. It's over. Any option I might have had not to do this is gone.

I have to succeed. No choice left.

 

[unclejack]

how did you lose your job? even after you explained what happened?

when did this start to happen when she kicked you etc?

A combination of the missed time from the hospital and the fact that my security door tags are in the possession of my wife who won't return them to me.

So because of the missed time I got a written warning, and the multiple day failure to have the door tags caused them to fire me.

Everything went to hell when I discovered her affair. That's when I got sick, that's when she threw me out (while I was hospitalized), then I got out, went back to work and got fired.

Unless I come up with $395 by tomorrow morning, the motel will boot me and I will not even have somewhere to attempt to end things.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't get this method to work.

 

[unclejack]

what date did you start thinking about you suiciding? or how many weeks ago?

did you have long periods of times before she did this to you that you were suicidal?

cause i've been thinking of suicide for a few years and i still havent been able to shoot myself. but i need to get a move on an do it.

I was suicidal before her. Medication and treatment resistant major depressive disorder, severe OCD with awful rumination.

Nothing worked, but her being near me turned my brain into a serotonin factory. My mood flowed with how I perceived her to feel about me.

If I felt like she loved me, or was happy with me, boom, serotonin, mood ran great. If I felt she was upset or angry with me, my mood would drop out and I would try to figure out how to make her happy again.

When I found out she cheated, all the ideation came back and I started planning, and then spent the entire time in the hospital hoping that my nearly-dying might shock her into saving our marriage. It did not. She spent most of it at the affair partner's house.

So I have spent the entire time post-hospital recovery either acquiring supplies to ctb, or making attempts at it.

I want out. Like I said upthread, night-night is extremely frustrating to get right - but I only have to get it right once.

 

[CeilingStarer]

Now, I'm sure everyone has heard similar, rolls their eyes and says "oh, it's about a woman.", but I think it's different here.

We were teens, we we friends. Average, quickly close, soon best. Inseparable, but not romantic. Talked every single day, always the first person the other brought news to. Years passed. In my mid-late 20s, she approached me about making our relationship more than friendship.

We made the jump.

It. Was. Incredible.

It was like someone just turned off my major depressive disorder. I was flooded with so much serotonin that I was experiencing true, honest, natural happiness for the first time in years. I was terrified it would stop, but as long as she was there, I was *invincible*.

We moved in together, we married. We had an apartment, we had a house, lived there for a long time. We moved to a new state, bought a bigger house. Lived there for years.

To fast forward a bit, today as I post this I'm nearly 50.

On July 7th of this year, thanks to an overheard phone conversation from behind a closed door as I walked by, I discovered that my beloved wife and best friend of decades had recently started sleeping with her boss at work.

She immediately turned to ice when she realized I'd overheard. Ran to the door and threw it open when she heard the floor creak and just stared at me.

I then unfortunately got pneumonia which developed into double and then kidney failure. Spent days in the ICU. In the interim she boxed all my belongings up and stuffed them in the garage and changed the locks. She emails me once a day for "divorce business" and otherwise blocks all texts and calls from me.

I literally exited the hospital and weeks on a ventilator to discover almost all our mutual friends have deserted me, she's spreading bogus sympathy stories online for attention. She won't allow me in the residence, I hadn't worked in a month, she had access to the accounts while I was in hospital and there's nothing.

I am literally in possession of my car and nothing else.

I have decided that with the severity of the depression coupled with my extreme OCD, I am going to hard circle this until it happens sooner or later. I'd rather do it when I'm in a place with the capability of planning as opposed to wild panic and despair.

I was a (computer) engineer, but you work in the same facilities, learn the same things.

I have decided to h2s in my car. I have printed MSDS sheets for the gas, warnings for first responders, PPE warnings, warnings not to open the vehicle or break windows, hazmat warnings. These are for the windows. I have goggles to avoid eye burns.

My problem is that I know the *general* idea of what I need and have been told that it's all Walmart/etc kinda stuff, I just don't know exactly what and how much.

Otherwise, I have spent a month rolling the idea around, and I have decided I'm ready to CTB. I won't ever be able to stop myself circling it, and she was literally part of my life significantly longer than she wasn't. I don't have a single major memory she isn't in, and across my years, I've done everything I wanted to. I was just supposed to work a few more years and retire with my wife.

I don't have anything else I need to do.

So, that's my story. Hi.

Brother that's one of the most fucked up stories I've read on this website I don't even know what to say

 

[unclejack]

Brother that's one of the most fucked up stories I've read on this website I don't even know what to say

I mean, saying that IS saying something. There's a lot of stories here, after all.

I'm about to take a run at another couple hours of attempts. Probably going to keep on failing like I have been all week, but maybe I will finally be allowed peace and I'll get it right.

Edit: ALMOST HAD IT. But by the time I had found a good way, my neck was swollen a bit from the earlier failures, which made it harder to keep good pressure on. So, if I come back at it when the swelling is down, in the exact same way, I should be able to finally get on that bus.

If anyone is curious, I had to rock up onto my knees with my back to a corner, then relax and let my head tip backwards with gravity and let my body go limp, and let my limbs and the corner hold me.

It took me a bit to get my positioning right, but the goal was for my limp posture to be the one that provided the right pressure. It wasn't doing me any good if I could only keep pressure on until I went limp, lol.

It really is surprisingly pleasant. Reminds me of a drug, but I couldn't tell you which one.

So, I'm going to come at this tomorrow (DoorDashed up another night in the motel) and hopefully that will be the last time I have to try.

 

[unclejack]

Still here, but for a dumb reason. Simply fell asleep without meaning to. Wish me luck for today/tonight.

 

[psty2125]

Hey, are you still there?

If so, I hope we could talk for a while.

If not, I hope you've found your peace.

 

[booplesnoot34]

What on earth happened here? It's like you ate half the letters.

vsry this human ntr awfl alws btry alws prblm no prdct anytm prsn chng vsry hpnall

 

[EternalShore]

I'm so sorry~ :( That sounds so awful~ >_< humans are so evil, greedy, and selfish~ >:( and ofc, she just gets away with it too~ :/

 

[CTB Dream]

What on earth happened here? It's like you ate half the letters.

injury damage