Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[standingfast]

It is very surreal being this close to the end.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Going to the doctor as an adult for the first time in, years, scared of literally everything about it.
Parents are bringing me, might need to fill out papers saying I give them permission to view everything due to insurance.
I have pressure in my head that 60% healed now due to a ton of OTC medication so I'm afraid the doctor won't believe me.
I lost a lot of weight but regained like half of it back and feel even more obese than ever before (BMI is slightly overweight, but not clinically obese).
I'm afraid of being touched because nobody knows about SA and I am not in a safe position to disclose it. I can probably slip a half lie and say aspergers (now autism in my country) makes me sensitive.

Basically, I'm just absolutely fucked today and if this doesn't go according to plan might as well ctb.

Edit: I survived. I'm glad the doctor told me the steps of checking my neck so I didn't freak out as much as I thought she would. Doctor didn't think it was a sinus infection but since I was looking better but had proven inflammation i just got an antibiotic prescription. Got the mental health questionare and lied enough so I look normal but not too much that it appears I'm hiding. Blood test was wild and they sent me to outpatient to get it there because they poked me like 4 times without success. I'm okay.

But until next year where a pelvic exam exists and God fuck no dear God help me help me help me.

 

[greebo6]

So very sad. So sad inside it hurts bad right now.

 

[summa_tyme2224]

So fucking sad and empty. I feel like I'll never be okay again. I don't feel like me. Life feels like a nightmare and I can't wake up and I want to escape somewhere better but I'm stuck here. Nothing I try helps . I'm so frustrated. I don't understand why this is happening. I'm confused and I feel like I'm losing out on valuable time of my life I'll never get back. My life used to be so good. I was happy and healthy . I don't understand how I got here. I don't want to die and I don't want to live I just want to go somewhere else and be happy in some other dimension.

 

[landmine]

happily in love, things have been going well so far for me

 

[ZeroM24]

Empty and cold.

 

[Zanmato]

Right now I'm on my bed, wishing I could never leave for any reason

 

[Eudaimonic]

Sad, anxious, depressed, in pain

 

[Can’tbearanything]

Just the most extreme and powerful stress, which gives me a headache that is constantly there, this kind of burning pain all the time, any thing that involves thinking hurts really bad and intensifies the headache until I reach a point where I just can't stand to do anything at all. Got fatigue and reduced pleasure in anything as well. I feel totally suicidal these days, everyday I just wish that I could die.
Post in a kind of frantic state on the site mostly to just try and distract myself from how I feel

 

[bleeding_heart_show]

This is more personal than the things I usually write, but I need to get it out of my head.

I am frustrated with myself for not doing more to better my circumstances (even though I cannot realistically do anything at the moment and just have to wait on others). I hate the feeling of stagnation. If my brain's irrational fear of death is going to force me to live then why should I not try and do something productive with the time I have? Complacency is insidious.

That is enough neurotic word vomit for one week.

 

[fleetingnight]

Sad. Useless. Overwhelmed. I'll feel better if I do something productive today, so I hope I can.

 

[lemonbunny]

i hate existing, everything feels so disgusting

 

[iloveyouihateyou]

i feel worthless and empty inside of my soul. like i just feel nothing but hurt and all i want is for it to go away along with myself

 

[Promised Heaven]

I'm following my doctor's regimen to treat the disorientation and coughing up mucus and I'm doing...a lot better, actually.

Disorientation leads me to suicidial thoughts, so these last five months were pure hell. I'm still suicidial, but not so much as before. It turns out from blood tests I have a strong infection my body has been fighting that was probably untreated for so long?

All this time I was hesitant to speak up for treatment in fear I was possibly facing a severe mental illness due to it causing disoriented thoughts and unable to think of words so I repeat myself and too numb to speak.

I feel weird having relief. I should be happy, and I really am doing better with the medication, but it doesn't solve the initial trauma that brought me here. I don't feel safe telling my doctor about abuse or assult. Fun time.

 

[Blue Dream]

Terrified of the future, exhausted and trapped.

 

[Higurashi415]

I'm feeling really bad. There are no words to describe it, really, a painful combination of torment, anguish, pain, hunger, anger, sadness, emptiness, disgust, hopeless.

 

[fleetingnight]

I hate myself so so so so so so much. I'm a bad person and a liar. I should try to be better instead of complaining. I don't know why I can't.

 

[leavingsoonx]

Why does it always feel like my friends can't have fun hanging out with each other unless I'm also there? Why does it seem like when I'm not there there's a ton of drama and other negative feelings going on between them? What the hell do I even do that makes them so comfortable around each other? Why does it always have to be me? I genuinely can't figure out what it is about me because I know I'm a terrible person who doesn't even deserve friends in the first place so why are they always mad at each other and never me?

That makes me feel like you have amazing energy to be around even if you don't see it. You're the glue that holds your friends together <3

 

[CTB Dream]

Me autisti want hit hd wall

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Bro, I keep thinking about taking my ass to a sundown town and getting off'd for free!

 

[fleetingnight]

I can hardly stand another day. I want to throw myself in front of the subway on the way back from work. I won't. I'm a coward. I don't want to do anything today. I don't want to be alive.

 

[consider]

I am considering buying some sn, just in case. but I don't think i can store them well since i live in a high humidity area.

 

[wormbrained]

Apathetic, i dont really want anything for my future

 

[blackbeauty]

I suffer so badly from maladaptive daydreaming that it's eating away at me and wasting so much time in my fantasies that I feel like a waste of space.

 

[-Link-]

Uhh, I thought that thread was in the Sanctuary... Turns out it was in the main forum... Surprise! Umm, no harm done, I guess...

If I could pay a little more attention to what I'm doing...

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I watched The Substance a while back and not that long ago I watched a YouTube video where someone went over the movie. It's a great movie, but the got me thinking about some stuff and now I need to vent.

I constantly find myself obsessing over my appearance and feeling dissatisfied with it. I fear the idea of aging partly due to it having been ingrained in me by wider society that, as a woman, I'm not allowed to age. Aging is bad and being older means being uglier. Deep down inside I know this isn't true in the slightest, but I still myself falling for this shit. I measure my waist on a regular basis, getting all worried whenever I think it is going over 25 inches (my waist size tends to be between 24-25 inches). Sometimes, I find myself wanting it to be smaller. I'm constantly scared that one day my boyfriend won't find me attractive anymore. In a way, a part of me doesn't like it when comments on my appearance. It's always these nice compliments, such as how he thinks I should go into modelling or about how much he loves my eyes (he's very sweet). It makes me feel scared that if something were to happen to me one day, leading to my appearance degrading, he'd end up just leaving me. I know that he likes me for more than my appearance, but it still scares me.

I'm already not that good-looking, but my family (particularly my mom and ex-stepmother) have always put so much emphasis on my appearance in the past that it's led to me developing a lot of fears surrounding it. It's only made worse by wider society and by my gender. I feel too tall to be seen as fully feminine, I don't feel "white" enough to fully fit into Eurocentric beauty standards, I'm not curvy enough, and so forth. I wish I had never grown up and having my appearance commented on. I wish people didn't say anything about me, tbh. I don't like people talking about me. I hate existing so much.

I'm constantly stuck in a never-ending of battling with all this pointless societal bullshit that has been ingrained in me since childhood and I'm tired. Death is beautiful in a way because none of this matters when you die. It's a reminder that none of this matters in the grand scheme of things. Despite this, I still find myself treating all of this as some sort of end-of-the-world problem, obsessing over meaningless bullshit. I really wish I could find it in me to let go of all of this.

 

[anxious_depressive]

Well.... for almost a two year instead of medical help, I have been getting gaslighting from doctors.
They say that my pains and fatigue are imaginary, it's just hypochondria, and chase me from one doctor to another.

And I am tormented by pains and constant temperature.

Then I had to spend my last saved money on MRI and tests, and even though they found some strange cyst ,they still deny that it is causing me pain!

Now, in addition to depression and suicidal tendencies, I am physically ill.

And completely financially ruined.

I hate myself.
I'm a stupid bitch.

 

[nattanatta]

My last hope was just taken from me.

I'm done.

 

[boddibo]

can't i die already

 

[frog problems]

For me the hardest part about being irreparably mentally ill is that I seem to have lost everything except my sense of awe for life and the world around me. I still believe the world is filled with wonderful things. Beautiful art, interesting people, the wonders of science. And it hurts because I know that I will never be a part of it. I am too depressed to enjoy anything, too bitter to tolerate the company of the few people that care about me. Too stupid to accomplish anything. The one thing worse than losing everything is knowing how precious are the things that you lost.