I watched The Substance a while back and not that long ago I watched a YouTube video where someone went over the movie. It's a great movie, but the got me thinking about some stuff and now I need to vent.
I constantly find myself obsessing over my appearance and feeling dissatisfied with it. I fear the idea of aging partly due to it having been ingrained in me by wider society that, as a woman, I'm not allowed to age. Aging is bad and being older means being uglier. Deep down inside I know this isn't true in the slightest, but I still myself falling for this shit. I measure my waist on a regular basis, getting all worried whenever I think it is going over 25 inches (my waist size tends to be between 24-25 inches). Sometimes, I find myself wanting it to be smaller. I'm constantly scared that one day my boyfriend won't find me attractive anymore. In a way, a part of me doesn't like it when comments on my appearance. It's always these nice compliments, such as how he thinks I should go into modelling or about how much he loves my eyes (he's very sweet). It makes me feel scared that if something were to happen to me one day, leading to my appearance degrading, he'd end up just leaving me. I know that he likes me for more than my appearance, but it still scares me.
I'm already not that good-looking, but my family (particularly my mom and ex-stepmother) have always put so much emphasis on my appearance in the past that it's led to me developing a lot of fears surrounding it. It's only made worse by wider society and by my gender. I feel too tall to be seen as fully feminine, I don't feel "white" enough to fully fit into Eurocentric beauty standards, I'm not curvy enough, and so forth. I wish I had never grown up and having my appearance commented on. I wish people didn't say anything about me, tbh. I don't like people talking about me. I hate existing so much.
I'm constantly stuck in a never-ending of battling with all this pointless societal bullshit that has been ingrained in me since childhood and I'm tired. Death is beautiful in a way because none of this matters when you die. It's a reminder that none of this matters in the grand scheme of things. Despite this, I still find myself treating all of this as some sort of end-of-the-world problem, obsessing over meaningless bullshit. I really wish I could find it in me to let go of all of this.