Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Dr Iron Arc]

Why does it always feel like my friends can't have fun hanging out with each other unless I'm also there? Why does it seem like when I'm not there there's a ton of drama and other negative feelings going on between them? What the hell do I even do that makes them so comfortable around each other? Why does it always have to be me? I genuinely can't figure out what it is about me because I know I'm a terrible person who doesn't even deserve friends in the first place so why are they always mad at each other and never me?

 

[render]

i want to disappear i want to run away i want to evaporate i want to die i want to curl up into a ball and never speak to anyone ever again if santa was real hed bring me a nice 99.9% purity bottle of sn so i can do the deed
i remember that my death will bring the salvation of all but i am so selfish as to want a few more seconds to live. i have the chance to make a beautiful world in my absence and yet i refuse to take it. kill these hands that cannot create, a creature so incomprehensible as to be unworthy of connection or thought. i am a stain on this earth and my removal will bring peace

 

[alienfreak]

Had a hope revived and lifted up out of the ground. Lifted up again and smashed down. Because i delusionally grasped onto any tiny chance and ambiguous communication. Now a new nail in the coffin of the only thing i had hope for. God is writing my book as a psychological horror genre.

 

[sparrowcharm]

no one understands me or can handle me. I must be a cunt

 

[consider]

I went to see a neurologist and felt a bit regretful about it. It should ordinarily be a step toward recovery.
I've been hard to subject things since July and worried that I could get CTE at some point in my life cuz my father beat me on my head very badly when I was little, and lasted for many years.
I told the doctor about childhood abuse, but I didn't dare mention my fear of CTE—it seemed too much to say.
today he said he didn't find anything and I feel like I was lying about it. I knew the MRI wouldn't show anything. people on Reddit already mentioned this. I just hoped he would say something like post-concussive syndrome and offer some advice.
He also asked a lot of questions that made me feel embarrassed, like about my job and where I graduated. I think the nurse gave me a judgmental look since I didn't have a job.
I know the doctor did his best, and there's nothing wrong if the nurse looked down on me for that cuz that's how the world works but still.
When I walked out hospital, I felt so hollow and empty.

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

the three amigos of shame, fear, and restlessness!
I cause so much of my own misery how could I do this to myself oh me oh my.
There are statements such as those who are depressed are not to blame for their own condition, but me with my own sub-clinical pot of misery sure is responsible for getting it together in due time, and yet I have done nothing so far, how could I do this to myself, it's a disservice and instead of experiencing new pain, then I would rather sink myself into the familiar hang of things
also, I tried to hang myself a couple of times and I seem to not have the correct technique for that and it turned out that I ended up getting a headache instead of dying, wow imagine being doo doo in both living and dying.

 

[standingfast]

It is very surreal being this close to the end.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Going to the doctor as an adult for the first time in, years, scared of literally everything about it.
Parents are bringing me, might need to fill out papers saying I give them permission to view everything due to insurance.
I have pressure in my head that 60% healed now due to a ton of OTC medication so I'm afraid the doctor won't believe me.
I lost a lot of weight but regained like half of it back and feel even more obese than ever before (BMI is slightly overweight, but not clinically obese).
I'm afraid of being touched because nobody knows about SA and I am not in a safe position to disclose it. I can probably slip a half lie and say aspergers (now autism in my country) makes me sensitive.

Basically, I'm just absolutely fucked today and if this doesn't go according to plan might as well ctb.

Edit: I survived. I'm glad the doctor told me the steps of checking my neck so I didn't freak out as much as I thought she would. Doctor didn't think it was a sinus infection but since I was looking better but had proven inflammation i just got an antibiotic prescription. Got the mental health questionare and lied enough so I look normal but not too much that it appears I'm hiding. Blood test was wild and they sent me to outpatient to get it there because they poked me like 4 times without success. I'm okay.

But until next year where a pelvic exam exists and God fuck no dear God help me help me help me.

 

[greebo6]

So very sad. So sad inside it hurts bad right now.

 

[summa_tyme2224]

So fucking sad and empty. I feel like I'll never be okay again. I don't feel like me. Life feels like a nightmare and I can't wake up and I want to escape somewhere better but I'm stuck here. Nothing I try helps . I'm so frustrated. I don't understand why this is happening. I'm confused and I feel like I'm losing out on valuable time of my life I'll never get back. My life used to be so good. I was happy and healthy . I don't understand how I got here. I don't want to die and I don't want to live I just want to go somewhere else and be happy in some other dimension.

 

[ruru_241]

happily in love, things have been going well so far for me

 

[ZeroM24]

Empty and cold.

 

[Zanmato]

Right now I'm on my bed, wishing I could never leave for any reason

 

[Eudaimonic]

Sad, anxious, depressed, in pain

 

[RCan]

Just the most extreme and powerful stress, which gives me a headache that is constantly there, this kind of burning pain all the time, any thing that involves thinking hurts really bad and intensifies the headache until I reach a point where I just can't stand to do anything at all. Got fatigue and reduced pleasure in anything as well. I feel totally suicidal these days, everyday I just wish that I could die.
Post in a kind of frantic state on the site mostly to just try and distract myself from how I feel

 

[bleeding_heart_show]

This is more personal than the things I usually write, but I need to get it out of my head.

I am frustrated with myself for not doing more to better my circumstances (even though I cannot realistically do anything at the moment and just have to wait on others). I hate the feeling of stagnation. If my brain's irrational fear of death is going to force me to live then why should I not try and do something productive with the time I have? Complacency is insidious.

That is enough neurotic word vomit for one week.

 

[fleetingnight]

Sad. Useless. Overwhelmed. I'll feel better if I do something productive today, so I hope I can.

 

[lemonbunny]

i hate existing, everything feels so disgusting

 

[iloveyouihateyou]

i feel worthless and empty inside of my soul. like i just feel nothing but hurt and all i want is for it to go away along with myself

 

[HereTomorrow]

I'm following my doctor's regimen to treat the disorientation and coughing up mucus and I'm doing...a lot better, actually.

Disorientation leads me to suicidial thoughts, so these last five months were pure hell. I'm still suicidial, but not so much as before. It turns out from blood tests I have a strong infection my body has been fighting that was probably untreated for so long?

All this time I was hesitant to speak up for treatment in fear I was possibly facing a severe mental illness due to it causing disoriented thoughts and unable to think of words so I repeat myself and too numb to speak.

I feel weird having relief. I should be happy, and I really am doing better with the medication, but it doesn't solve the initial trauma that brought me here. I don't feel safe telling my doctor about abuse or assult. Fun time.

 

[EmptyEater]

Terrified of the future, exhausted and trapped.

 

[Higurashi415]

I'm feeling really bad. There are no words to describe it, really, a painful combination of torment, anguish, pain, hunger, anger, sadness, emptiness, disgust, hopeless.

 

[fleetingnight]

I hate myself so so so so so so much. I'm a bad person and a liar. I should try to be better instead of complaining. I don't know why I can't.

 

[leavingsoonx]

Why does it always feel like my friends can't have fun hanging out with each other unless I'm also there? Why does it seem like when I'm not there there's a ton of drama and other negative feelings going on between them? What the hell do I even do that makes them so comfortable around each other? Why does it always have to be me? I genuinely can't figure out what it is about me because I know I'm a terrible person who doesn't even deserve friends in the first place so why are they always mad at each other and never me?

That makes me feel like you have amazing energy to be around even if you don't see it. You're the glue that holds your friends together <3

 

[CTB Dream]

Me autisti want hit hd wall

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Bro, I keep thinking about taking my ass to a sundown town and getting off'd for free!

 

[fleetingnight]

I can hardly stand another day. I want to throw myself in front of the subway on the way back from work. I won't. I'm a coward. I don't want to do anything today. I don't want to be alive.

 

[consider]

I am considering buying some sn, just in case. but I don't think i can store them well since i live in a high humidity area.

 

[Gorbolflungus]

Apathetic, i dont really want anything for my future

 

[blackbeauty]

I suffer so badly from maladaptive daydreaming that it's eating away at me and wasting so much time in my fantasies that I feel like a waste of space.