Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[lightturquoise]

feeling stupid rn, everyone here seems to have methods, sources etc ready to go and i feel stupid for not knowing anything

 

[Steff1337]

Whole day was absolute crap. Such severe anxiety, unbearable heat, too much suffering in general. These are the days which I don't want to ever happen, but they still happen too often.
This is one of the reasons why I think about CTB.

 

[imissmycat]

feeling stupid rn, everyone here seems to have methods, sources etc ready to go and i feel stupid for not knowing anything

so what? why do you care what other people are doing or if you're "stupid"? it's not a race or a math test, nor is this instagram where people compare every atom in their body. it's a personal decision and choice to end one's life.

i found this site today and i haven't even read the suicide section of the forum. i picked a method 10 years ago. never read about pills or dosages or any studies. i don't give a toot about how or when anyone here is going to "do it".

 

[Rocinante]

Apathetic. I need to find someone to make the hours that slip away feel more worthwhile

 

[Throwawayacc3]

Apathetic. I need to find someone to make the hours that slip away feel more worthwhile

You need a dog, cat, basically an animal. Otherwise you get stuck in your own head. I'm kind of "lucky" given I have a dog and I can go to the animal sanctuary. Tbh the people there are pretty nice and they also don't like people lol.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I keep on making the mistake of letting stupid comments on Reddit get to me. I was looking under the comment section for a thread that featured this photo of a couple from the 80s and most of the comments were talking about the woman's breasts and how saggy they were. While my breasts aren't sagging nearly as bad as hers the comment just made me feel even worse about myself. Sometimes I want to get a knife from the kitchen and just chop them off. Why does my body have to be so fucking disgusting to look at? I hate this. I hate everything about myself, especially my appearance. I'm so fucking ugly and I don't even know how that's possible considering the fact that my parents were considered to be good-looking. The worst part is that I have nothing to make up for my sickening appearance. I hate myself so fucking much that it physically hurts sometimes.

Sometimes, I feel like me deserves better than me. I don't even why he wanted me to be his gf so badly when he could do a lot better than me. Maybe he'll eventually grow tired of me and replace me with someone else. I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I have the next few days off and right now my mom thinks I'm supposed to be at work so I literally have no obligations and responsibilities as long as I don't stay home but now I'm completely unsure what to do. The vastness of choices I have is paralyzing and causing my body to undergo executive dysfunction I'm kind of just stuck in my car sweltering in the heat right now on my phone instead of actually doing anything useful or even relaxing. I need to get my mind off my anxiety somehow.

 

[BlendedHeart]

I have been playing videogames all day. All these past days, in fact. Since I got robbed, I don't have any disposition to do anything. I wasn't physically harmed, but mentally I'm done. I feel weak, useless, violated. Videogames stopped being fun a long time ago, but it numbs everything else and burns time quick.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I have the next few days off and right now my mom thinks I'm supposed to be at work so I literally have no obligations and responsibilities as long as I don't stay home but now I'm completely unsure what to do. The vastness of choices I have is paralyzing and causing my body to undergo executive dysfunction I'm kind of just stuck in my car sweltering in the heat right now on my phone instead of actually doing anything useful or even relaxing. I need to get my mind off my anxiety somehow.

Well I eventually decided to go see a movie. Something called Fly Me to the Moon. I was hoping that its obscurity would guarantee an empty theater to have fun in. There was even a sign of hope when I saw that the AC was apparently down in this theater (it doesn't actually feel that hot here though).

Unfortunately a couple just walked in and sat on the row down below me. And here I am all by myself lol. At least I can't see them do couple things. Oh well the trailers are still playing so I'm just glad I got food.

 

[fleetingnight]

I got out of bed hours ago, but I'm so tired, I still feel asleep. I've had a lot of caffeine, but all I can think about is going back to sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open. I have so much to do, but I know I'm just going to stare emptily at my to do list for hours instead of actually doing anything.
I'm so tired of living like this. I really don't have a reason to stick around if I can't even do anything. I'm jealous of people who at least feel alive, I feel like a walking corpse.

 

[Final_Choice]

I don't think it's possible for me to recover. I've been trying really hard for all my life now, I think it's getting close to the point where I actually give up. I have all my problems and only more are appearing, I can't keep fighting it and if life were fair I wouldn't have to. My old date was around May or June next year so that I can hide it from my family and do my best to fake it so they're not as sad. I don't care anymore, my new date is thanksgiving week this year. It's the only time I'll be alone for several days, perfect for me to do my plan. I hope my family can somehow live on without me, especially when they hear the cause. I'm sorry.

 

[tychai]

It seems like it would benefit all the people i care about the most if i disappeared, maybe its just a momentary feeling that im mistaking for reality, but i feel like the sooner i accept this and work myself into finally doing something about it the better itll be for everyone thats important to me

 

[Lostandlooking]

I'm so scared. Trying to numb myself with alcohol.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

God, why do I have to be so fucking ugly. Sometimes I think about getting plastic surgery but I'm too scared about potentially becoming addicted to it and becoming even uglier over time. Plus, I know that it will just cause me to feel more miserable due to the emphasis people put on being all natural. I'm so fucking repulsive to look at that it hurts.

I wonder if the reason why he doesn't text me every morning like he used to is because he is slowly growing tired of me. I don't blame him, but it still hurts. I suck so much it's not even funny. I really don't want him to grow tired and leave me.

 

[enduringwinter]

I'm tired tired tired so tired, I do a simple thing one day and am bedridden the next, I want to sleep forever but I keep dreaming of my irl problems and how I can stop lying to my family. I regret living. Please let me be ready to go by June next year.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I sent him a bunch of videos yesterday and he has yet to respond, which is bothering me a lot.

 

[illusive sweets]

I feel extremely bored, stressed, tired and energetic at the same time. I don't know what to do with myself

 

[murmur]

Feels like my mental state is dying, ive always been depressed but somehow this feels like a level lower, feel no pull toward my personal standards and passions, as if its starting to feel foreign to me. Externally nothings changed, just on autopilot going somewhere that would have made me feel the least bit fulfilled as i make progress, and the feeling that made me feel more alive, ive got no clue where it went, it's making me uneasy, I don't want to feel so devoid of life. I feel deeply inadequate and confused that I feel less human as much as I try everyday to lead a fulfilling life.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I've tried. It's utterly pointless. I don't think I'll be doing 'this' much longer

 

[Kit1]

Tired

 

[Lostandlooking]

I have had my method ready for years now. And now that things started getting worse again I found myself preparing even more, even better. This always happens, I keep preparing but never actually follow through. I haven't told anyone about the things I did the last couple of days. And that feels kinda lonely. People kinda knew I was feeling badly again. But they don't know to what extent really. I bought a better rope a couple of months ago. And now I've retied the knots. It looks a lot better than before and I find myself looking at the photo I took regularly. I've had a noose hanging in my bedroom for over four years now. No-one knows. But hanging isn't my primary method. I also have SN. Vacuum sealed and unopened. But I looked at the date on my aquarium testing strips and they were expired. So I bought some new ones. I also updated all the information for my family and friends. I do this ever so often. Kinda just wanted to share because otherwise I'm alone in this. I never really feel lonely. But still it feels so weird, doing these things without anyone knowing.

 

[fleetingnight]

I got one single thing halfway done, and got overzealous. I told myself, I can take a break now, then wasted the rest of the night and half of the day. God, I fucking hate myself so much. I always do this.

 

[PinballWizard39]

The system is screwing me over again. By system, this time I mean the welfare system. I had to drop my working hours to part time because of my mental health and welfare were supposed to be topping up the loss in earnings. I've been off sick since the beginning of the month and I will be until at least next week. I was relying on being paid by welfare today but they gave me nothing, stating that payments were made a month behind - no one told me that and from the payments I've received, it hasn't been the case til now. So basically, by the time I get my wages next Friday, I would have worked a total of 6/7 days in the last month - I'm going to be really struggling this month. It 's just more stress than I need and just another reason to ctb.

 

[LifeQuitter]

Fed up with life.

 

[RemainingDubious]

Regret

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm in such a good mood right now. Texting him always makes me feel so happy. :)

 

[PinballWizard39]

I have my last appointment with my therapist tomorrow. It was time limited and need more than 12 session.
My care co rung and asked me today if she could and do a house visit as she was in the area. My paranoid antennas are wondering if there a hidden agenda.

 

[3/4Dead]

Have to decide within the next week or so if I plan to CTB within the next few months or not. A little overwhelmed by the decision but I know it's got to be made. Organizing a literal pro/con list for dying is probably not the most stable thing I've ever done lol.

 

[Steff1337]

Feeling relatively fine. Today they finally fixed the AC in the living room, although the one in my room could get a bit repaired too, but is still working fairly well.

 

[PinballWizard39]

Half feeling like I'm just shut down and half really not wanting to be in my head because of feeling so shitty. Had my last appt with my therapist but I don't feel much of anything. I'm waiting for it to hit - it being, the aloneness, the realisation that this is most likely 'it' even though he says he'll fight for help for me. It's hard to be optimistic when you've been let down so much.
My care co came for a home visit today, she's never done that before. I had to change the dressing on my leg while she was here as it was leaking all over the place and smelling real bad. She saw it but didn't say much. The smell from my leg is getting worse and I know it's from the necrotic tissue that's still attached to the wound. Hopefully the clinic can do something with it on Friday.
I have home treatment team tomorrow. I'm still anticipating their discharge, I am surprised they haven't done it before now. I don't know how I'm going to manage with both my therapist and home treatment team going.
I'm supposed to be back at work on Tuesday and as much as I'm only part time, even that feels too much, but financially I have no choice.
I'm self medicating with alcohol and over the counter meds. I don't know why, I have diazepam, sleeping pills and antipsychotics to knock me out. Ultimately doing this makes me feel worse in the long run, but it shuts my brain down at the same time. Maybe that's why I'm feeling shut down and numb to an extent.