Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm in such a good mood right now. Texting him always makes me feel so happy. :)

 

[PinballWizard39]

I have my last appointment with my therapist tomorrow. It was time limited and need more than 12 session.
My care co rung and asked me today if she could and do a house visit as she was in the area. My paranoid antennas are wondering if there a hidden agenda.

 

[3/4Dead]

Have to decide within the next week or so if I plan to CTB within the next few months or not. A little overwhelmed by the decision but I know it's got to be made. Organizing a literal pro/con list for dying is probably not the most stable thing I've ever done lol.

 

[Steff1337]

Feeling relatively fine. Today they finally fixed the AC in the living room, although the one in my room could get a bit repaired too, but is still working fairly well.

 

[PinballWizard39]

Half feeling like I'm just shut down and half really not wanting to be in my head because of feeling so shitty. Had my last appt with my therapist but I don't feel much of anything. I'm waiting for it to hit - it being, the aloneness, the realisation that this is most likely 'it' even though he says he'll fight for help for me. It's hard to be optimistic when you've been let down so much.
My care co came for a home visit today, she's never done that before. I had to change the dressing on my leg while she was here as it was leaking all over the place and smelling real bad. She saw it but didn't say much. The smell from my leg is getting worse and I know it's from the necrotic tissue that's still attached to the wound. Hopefully the clinic can do something with it on Friday.
I have home treatment team tomorrow. I'm still anticipating their discharge, I am surprised they haven't done it before now. I don't know how I'm going to manage with both my therapist and home treatment team going.
I'm supposed to be back at work on Tuesday and as much as I'm only part time, even that feels too much, but financially I have no choice.
I'm self medicating with alcohol and over the counter meds. I don't know why, I have diazepam, sleeping pills and antipsychotics to knock me out. Ultimately doing this makes me feel worse in the long run, but it shuts my brain down at the same time. Maybe that's why I'm feeling shut down and numb to an extent.

 

[Steff1337]

In an ok mood, it isn't hot as it used to be. The AC in my living room has been fixed, the one in my room is to be fixed soon as well.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I'm so fucking done with work shit already and I haven't even gone back!! I've been working part time since Feb/March and originally it was just supposed to be for 3 months. However, one of my seniors extended it for up to a year. That message didn't get passed on to payroll so they've been paying me full time wages last month and now this month. This means that welfare won't give me anything because of this mistake. Obviously payroll will recoup this money. I had to speak to my senior and she passed it onto the manager and now he's saying there is no paperwork to confirm the extension of part time. I don't know, my senior told me she'd sorted it. Now I'm sat worrying they're going to make me go back full time and I'm really not going to cope right now. There's too much shit going on.

 

[LifeQuitter]

Tired of existing in this world.

 

[trappedinthislife]

Tired. Ashamed. Mad at myself. Worried.

 

[BlendedHeart]

I have stayed at home for an entire week. Stopped going to the gym, barely move, barely eat. My arms feel terrible. I have constant headaches. Yet I don't want to go outside no more. There's nothing for me there. There's nothing for me here either. Maybe sedentarism will accelerate my decay and will get a fulminant heart attack.

 

[PinballWizard39]

Yay, just when you think you couldn't possibly have any more shit to deal with. I now apparently have to prove my illness by filling out a fitness to work form for welfare. We all know those are rigged against you.
I'm being discharged by the crisis team on Sunday. I told them my suicidal thoughts were still there and I'm struggling. They said to call my care co and ask her to speak to my psych to increase my quetiapine. So now I'm on double the dose. I'm not a fan of quetiapine for weight/appetite reasons but I agreed to give it a try in the short term. Probably be a zombie soon.
I've probably said this before but I'm getting a bit fed up with being able to smell my own rotting flesh. It's a good job I have the clinic tomorrow because between it leaking everywhere and the disgusting stench, it's really getting me down.
I can't wait for bedtime when I can just be unconscious.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Now I'm back to waking up in the morning with my first thoughts being about how much I want to die. Then, as the day went on, those feelings only got worse. I bought some beer to drink later in hopes that it brightens my mood a bit. I've also been thinking a lot lately about how I feel like I'm stuck in a perpetual state of innocence.

 

[Spreadingmywings]

Like him

Now I'm back to waking up in the morning with my first thoughts being about how much I want to die. Then, as the day went on, those feelings only got worse. I bought some beer to drink later in hopes that it brightens my mood a bit. I've also been thinking a lot lately about how I feel like I'm stuck in a perpetual state of innocence.

(You) innocent? Alright hun

 

[Arachno]

So today I went for a bike ride to buy some things and take photos of insects (was also hoping to find spiders but I sadly haven't found any) and it was all nice until I got chased by two dogs, they didn't bite me fortunately and stopped chasing me, either beacuse they got scared off by other dogs behind a nearby fence or because I yelled so much lmao, I have a phobia of dogs and very simillar thing already happened to me 2 years ago.
Stupid shit like this always has happen whenever I just so happen to willingly go outside.
But I'm feeling fine now.

 

[Lullaby]

Struggling really badly tonight.

I've been thankfully doing my ECT sessions, and I'm not sure if it's helping. The Ketamine gives me a little mood boost but doesn't last for long. I seem to be a little more talkative, but everything is still shit.

I'm fighting and trying so hard to make things happen, accomplish goals but it's like the world is literally working against me. Constant roadblocks, disappointments, failures…I try to make new friends and it feels like I'm ostracized. I'm still stuck at home, etc.

My doctor told me they're doing placements in a way that would minimize memory loss, but I don't even care anymore. Most of my life has been nothing but trauma. I'd forget everything if I could feel happy.

I turned 30 yesterday and I'm just ready for this to be over. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle and I don't think I'm going to make it much longer.

I don't care if there's anything on the other side at this point. My cat is the only thing worth living for, but other than that, everything feels like a personal hell.

 

[Nephy]

Nothing

 

[Gangrel]

Tired, drowsy, i feel like a character in project zomboid, when it sits and it's just tired, probably empty on this now empty world.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Like him
View attachment 146357

(You) innocent? Alright hun

Well I mean, I'm definitely more innocent in comparison to the man who constantly announces how horny Doja Cat makes him...

 

[Steff1337]

I'm feeling relieved to get SN from Poland, so I have a less painful and more effective method to CTB then my current awful one.

 

[Bxtra]

Dejected and gross.

 

[TakeMeToHeaven]

i need money for food, i'm struggling and starving

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Long time no see.

Obviously, I'm not dead. I didn't try to CTB either. I had an accidental overdose because I miscalculated something, and my friend called an ambulance. I'm fine but still feel like shit. My employer is not happy with me either.

 

[anopenwound]

dead.

 

[Gangrel]

pissed off and empty, like i dont wanna do anything and it pisses me off because i work all week and then it's weekend and my depression is like aight mate, don't do shit

 

[Velvet Fortress]

I'm pathetic. It's terrible how bad I am at everything. I really don't want to keep living. But I don't want to hurt my mum.

I need to find a way to mitigate the damage my death will cause.

And despite everything, I'm terrified of the rope. SI kicks in so fast when I put it around my neck. I scared I'll fuck this up too. But I really don't want to keep going.

I really am a fucking coward.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I'm being discharged by the crisis team today. The woman called me to say they'd be out shortly but she sounded anything but compassionate or empathetic, more 'this is just business' kinda type. This could be fun. As much as I don't always find them helpful, it has helped to have a kind of safety net. I've already lost my therapist this week, and now the crisis team.. I'm supposed to go back to work Tuesday and I'm already worrying how the hell I'm going to cope.

 

[BlendedHeart]

I fucking hate being alive. I hate it.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Can't sleep. I've been awake most of the night. Tried going back to sleep several times.
Why is this my life??? It continues to spiral down.
I feel tired but I can't sleep. What is wrong with me???
I can't wait for this horrible existance to end.

 

[PinballWizard39]

Had one of my managers emailing me today to ask if I'm back in tomorrow - basically, 'based on your last sick note, you should be in tomorrow, but are you actually going to come in or produce another note?' - ugh.. less giving a shit and more 'we need you in!'. I'm stressing already.
I ordered some loop ear things last night to see if they help cancel out now and help keep my head calm. They should be here today, so fingers crossed.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I want to be free from myself. I hate that stupid asshole. I wish he'd just leave me alone. I wish I could kill him or that he'd kill me, whichever comes first. I don't care that he's me.