Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[hxtel]

I feel like I'm being crushed and drowned but I won't die. Just constant struggled breaths and thoughts and gritted teeth. And rarely a wave of numbness washed over me then quickly fades back to agony. I'm alone again and have been here many times and will be here many more. Another face I miss tattooed behind my eyelids to add to the gallery of grief. I never forget and never heal but can never die. I'm just existing in agony watching the world through the small window in my hands seeing others enjoy and have what I can't.

 

[Gangrel]

Tired and sick of work, i wanna go home so bad and never come back here

 

[PinballWizard39]

I saw the discharge letter from the crisis team to my gp today. What a load of bollocks?! Not only does it yet again misdiagnose me with BPD/EUPD, but it states I have no intent suicide wise, how they helped me fill in a crisis plan, how I had protective factors because I said I need therapy - how does that work? I said I need therapy but that I didn't believe it would happen - how is that a protective factor?. I still have my crisis plan un-filled in, in the folder they gave me, so no, no one went through that with me. I told them I had plans ctb but they changed the subject as quickly as possibly, and i was told the BPD/EUPD diagnosis was wrong and my files just said CPTSD. This stupid letter has been enough to trigger a load of shit off inside of me and I'm due back to work tomorrow. I'm back to not wanting to think an feel. I've just taken some sleeping pills to help knock me out. Fucking kill me now.

 

[iwantittobeok]

It's been hard to be. I'm tired. I am tired of getting in the way and of hurting people who care about me and I miss my partner who is already dead and it's my fault so I'm ready to get out of here. I'm just sitting out the details and I'll let everyone be. I've been a burden since He died to everyone left in my life and I don't deserve anyone's love or to interrupt anyone's life.
Tired and tired of seizures and med issues and missing my baby. I tried. Almost 3 years I held on. I really gave it my all so I hope everyone can look and see I tried so hard for them.

 

[enduringwinter]

I am attached to the nice things I do for myself. Remembering my deadline makes me so depressed. Whether I ctb or not I will lose everything by the deadline. It hurts. No one will ever understand the sort of things I have been through. I never ask for help, company or even sympathy. At the lowest point in my life I can ask my friend that I'm hanging out with something simple as sending me the song they were talking about just for the barest minimum distraction and they would "respectfully decline". Everyone talks about their soft lives and I humour their negative feelings as if it's anywhere near comparable to my situation. Stress is funny because it feels like swallowing fire and my abdomen swells from inflammation.

It's not fair. I wish they die, not me.

 

[Steff1337]

I feel so bad for not being able to find a reliable SN source for the country in which I live.

 

[N33dT0D13]

I want to be violently, brutally, viciously murdered, I want someone strong to punch me in the face until I no longer have a face, total annihilation, no traces left behind save for blood stains and bones, maybe splattered gray matter, I want to be completely and utterly destroyed, I want my skull split, bones broken, blood everywhere, screaming, I want to feel the full force of another's rage and know that it is my fault, that I deserve it and that it is karmic retribution, I want to be sunjected to someone's full and burning hatred as they take control and remove me fully, destroy every part of me, blunt force trauma, bash my fucking skull in, I want, need it to hurt, as much as possible, I want to cry harder than ever before as panic and dread settle over me, I want to feel the feeling of the world being pulled out from under me, I want to get punched in the ears, eyes, nose so hard that they no longer work, I want to be made to feel how disgusting and worthless and burdensome I am in the worst, greatest, most impactful and permanent way possible, I want to finally know that yes, I am hated and significantly, and that it is exactly what I deserve.

 

[BetweenRadioStations]

Beat

 

[thebelljarrr]

Nothing. Just emptiness. A terrible emptiness. I haven't been scrolling a lot here these days, as I am back in this silly state. Wake up to read read. Keep reading, don't stop, don't do shit, you're in this book no one's around, then I go to sleep. & so it's stifling when anything interrupts my world. When they enter my room, I feel the hate crawling inside of me because they remind me of reality. I want to be more & more isolated. Keep hidden. No one's around. I don't care. I've been dreaming about dying since forever, but my mind can't now & that's even more dreadful. I WANT to die. But I have no damn means & can't risk failing again. I'm not going to. No way. I am stuck for now but it's nearer every minute, anyway. Maybe I will go to sleep now & my heart stops from not finding anything in my body to keep this nonsense going I haven't been caring about food, too, for so long.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Sometimes I have the urge to just disable my account, block my bf, cut myself as deep as I can along the entirety of my forearm, and just runaway.

 

[Kore]

Hungry first n foremost, should probably eat. Aside from that, feel like I'm wandering through pretty yet unknown woods. I feel lost, but not with the same panic I used to feel. Now adays I feel just kinda numb, im wandering around getting through the days. Really miss the feeling of hugs, I haven't had one in so long.

 

[Circles]

I honestly don't think I could live without my mom when she passes. I swore to myself I'd kill myself whenever she passes and shit hits the fan, but I'm so lost and scared that this is my reality. Whether I like or not I'm going to have to face it and make big decisions I don't want to follow through with.

It's funny after all these years of wanting to die so fucking badly at times, now I just feel like a scared little child who's so frighten and lost I just want to crawl into a corner and sink into a black hole.

I hate my life so much I am honestly disgusted, ashamed and embarrassed for myself. I hate almost everything that has led up to this point and it fills me with so much fucking anger and frustration that I can't control I'm seething with indescribable anger/bitterness mixed with pain. Nothing is in mine or anyone's control. If anything suicide is about the control I never had in my pointless little life. Suicide is about letting go of all that hate.

I tried man, and that's all one can do in this pointless existence. I failed at life. Whenever my world comes crashing down I have to finally choose between life and death. If anyone ever said they're not scared even a little bit whenever they kill themselves then they're lying. I'm scared. But fucking hell I'm more scared of life.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

It never ceases to amaze me how stupid my mother is. She calls me selfish over little stupid shit, this being even though I'll offer her shit, I have given her money before when asks for it, and I have paid for all sorts of shit for her and I tell her that she doesn't even have to pay me back. It never even mattered to me how much money she even needed, either! But no, I do something small and that isn't a big deal and somehow I'm selfish. She can go fuck herself. Parents don't have the right to whine about selfishness when they've made the ultimate selfish decision one could ever make. I never wanted to be born and she and my dad were still living with my grandparents when they decided to have me. She expects me to live for her sake of caring out loud, not because of anything to do with myself.

I know this isn't a big deal, I just wanted to rant a bit. I have nobody I can actually talk to about this shit besides a group of family members who would either become angry and start crying like fucking babies over me being even slightly annoyed.

 

[Gangrel]

Sick

 

[PinballWizard39]

I didn't expect work to wear me out so much yesterday. My leg has also been really hurting due to being back on my feet all day. My senior was meant to do a return to work meeting with me to check in on how I am, but she didn't. I need them to do it sooner rather than later because they are all acting like I'm 100% and I'm really not. Plus I'll need time on Friday to pop to the clinic downstairs from where I work for my leg.

Saw my care co today. It was ok. She didn't know I'd been discharged from the HTT. I am feeling a bit like I've been left to it now aside the one appt I have with my care co a week. Whilst I write that, I do realise how lucky I am to even have that. I've been on the other side where you can't get any help at all. so I am grateful.

Back to work tomorrow and Friday. Dreading it. I'm training someone so that could be fun. I'm going to pop in on the chaplain as well just for a catch up and as a way to get through the day. I'm going to try to go to bed really early tonight and hopefully that will help me out tomorrow.

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly need escp no stay this dtriort incrs no able do any

 

[IslandDweller85g]

Dread. Every inch of progress I make, I feel like it doesn't matter because I dragged myself back 200 miles already. Constantly in self destructive cycles, and I have no hope for the future. I'm constantly anxious and aching with physical and mental pain. Laughing even hurts.

 

[BackToLobby]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA yeah that's what's on my head 24/7 just to avoid any thought

 

[fleetingnight]

I have a ton of household chores to do, but I'm so fucking exhausted. My pain is flaring up, too. I just want to sleep.

I already slept a lot today. I don't have time for this. I know I'll regret it if I sleep now, but it feels like either way, I won't accomplish anything. It's hard to make myself get up, cause it feels so pointless

 

[Steff1337]

Awful condition for a week now. Pain like never before. Trying to find a reliable, painless method to CTB, but can't. I might just go with a very painful one.
I'll definitely make a goodbye thread before I go.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm unable to sleep for some reason. It's already almost 7 am. :/

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I hate my body. Why do I have to have such an ugly body? I always find myself alternating between looking at myself a lot in the mirror, observing and evaluating all of the flaws I notice, and avoiding mirrors. I just hate it. Why couldn't I have had a nice body instead?

 

[fleetingnight]

I thought I'd feel better if I slept off the anxiety attack, but it came back as soon as I woke up. I'm really tired of living like this, and I don't think it's ever going to stop. I want to shoot myself, but I don't have a gun, so I'll buy a drink, ignore my bank balance, and see if that makes me feel better

 

[3/4Dead]

So bored. Depression is a weird shapeshifting beast. I have such little motivation, and it's impossible to do anything but i feel so lazy. I feel like i'm lying, like my parents were always right, like im fine and just can't do anything right, trying to find exuses. It's frustrating.

I think ive got a date set. I'll take another hard swing at life until then, may as well go for broke (figuratively), I'll ask for help, try all the meds and treatments, try to find a purpose.

I just really don't want to live, and everything amplifies that feeling. I'm a useless total nervous, depressed wreck and I'm sick of trying to make it feel worth it. Sick of trying. I don't want to wake up tomorrow, or go to work, or eat dinner, or talk to anyone. I want to be dead. I don't want to do this anymore.


I love my friends but i feel so alone. so alone. I love you guys but you're just text on my screen. My family makes me feel miserable but they're all that's around me, maybe this is the best I deserve.

 

[Steff1337]

Feeling bad, but that's the best it can possibly get for me. A bit less suicidal then in general, and especially when it comes to last week.
Think I've found some SN sources in Europe, but don't currently have money even for food.
My next income (for disability) will maybe take even a few more months to receive, and that's gonna be the most money in a while.

 

[Katasumi4444444444]

Empty inside. Just wanna vanish.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Pain, because I'm cramping a lot. I also feel weird and can't pin point what emotions I am feeling at the moment, probably because I'm on my period.

 

[LostInTheWoods]

I feel like a worm, an insect, a total useless loser, a crockroach that deserves to be put away from his house (this planet)

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Someone took a video of me railing coke, posted it on their social media, and also sent it to my employer. Now I'm just gonna wait for shit to hit the fan.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Someone took a video of me railing coke, posted it on their social media, and also sent it to my employer. Now I'm just gonna wait for shit to hit the fan.

That was a shitty thing for them to do.
People are evil.... No surprise we need drugs to get through life.
I hope you don't lose your job. I hope karma bites them in the ass.