I always compensate my lackness by trying to be independent, but nothing will ever make me a perfect human in anyone eyes, nobody will see my effort
everytime I'm in a struggle I always make sure I have to work through it alone if I can before asking some help with other, because it isn't like they have the consideration and initiative to see my struggle in the first place and have the willingness to assist me anyway, so no matter how careful I ask, it always looks like I'm burdening them
Despite my tendency to do anything independently, I am pretty much a considerate person to my surounding, I can always tell if someone is struggling and I often ask if they need my help, but I can't help it too that it feels more draining to me knowing that I can't ever get anything the same in return
can't pour from an empty cup, right?
This same cycle of miserability will always get repeated no matter where I ended up in, then, I HAVE to die, abandonment kills me, I don't want to wait until I'm driven insane enough, I just have to leave, but I hope I am just as unseen when I leave like how I was unseen in my struggle, but I can't control it at the time when it happens, I can't prevent people from blaming me and having a comment about me, I can't prevent people calling me stupid and selfish, I'm already not there