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Malaria

Malaria

If I can't be my own, I'd feel better dead
Feb 24, 2024
1,022
So much self loathing. So very much self loathing.

I've mentioned this before in other threads, but I've gotten into toxic friendships many times. More times than I can even count. I have difficulty seeing red flags, I have difficulty cutting contact with toxic people because of my issues with abandonment, and more often than not when someone is abusive towards me, I feel like I deserve it.

I'm remembering an incident that happened about three years ago. Someone I really cared about lashed out at me and said some of the most hurtful things anyone has ever told me. Sometimes I blame myself for what they said to me. Like I deserved it. Like everything was my fault. Like I'm nothing more than an awful person who deserves to be yelled at and insulted. That I'm just a worthless stupid hypocritical doormat and I deserve to be walked all over. I have so many regrets. So many regrets... I hate who I've become. And when I hate who I've become, it makes me think that everyone who ever said anything hurtful to me was right about me.

I really really really hate myself. I feel like I deserve to be abused. I feel like I deserve to be metaphorically and literally torn to shreds. I don't know what it's like to love myself, and the thought of loving myself makes me disgusted. That person was right about me...

I'll never forget what they said to me that night. I'll remember it for the rest of my life. I cried so much that night. But I probably deserved all of it and more.
 
Unhumanly.

Unhumanly.

disappear, unseen and unknown
Feb 24, 2023
220
I don't know
days are just days
time is passed through without it feelings like moment
Not like it was used to be, I keep hanging on the past to get on a certain feels, mix of comfort,nostalgia,illusion and dissociation, even that feelings would fade
I have no time to keep hanging in there, responsibility is pulling me away and my mind have to move to another direction for most time
And when it stopped with the responsibility, I'm just getting tired and unable to recall the moment, the memory I find my comfort in
It's tiring and hopeless

Okay, I'm dying, and my surounding environment suddenly is more alive when I'm dying, I'm a rotting corpse feeding the vulture and maggots

I hate hearing noises outside my tiny blank space, listening what people is up to
I just want to be completely isolated from everything, not just the environment, not just from the wind and the sunlight, just completely, even the voice, I want the voice to go, I want it to be complete silence
 
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EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

The drip finally stops
Oct 21, 2023
890
I feel like shit today, but what else is new? I keep on thinking about things, like how much of a failure I am or about how I feel like I've been on a downwards spiral since grade 11. It's funny, because I've felt like crap throughout a good chunk of my life, but for some reason during the second semester of grade 10, a few months after that one suicide attempt that landed me in the hospital, I felt good. I felt normal. I don't know why but I felt a lot better than I usually did. Then it all came crashing down by grade 11.

I'm also feeling insecure about my waist size, despite my waist not even being big. It's actually small, but I keep on feeling as though it's getting bigger and it makes me feel insecure and worrried. Idk why, it just does.

Anyway, I might go buy some shrooms tomorrow (if I'm able to build up the courage to do so). Turns out there are a bunch of illegal shroom dispensaries around the city I live in. I'm hoping to blow some cash on that stuff.
 
EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

The drip finally stops
Oct 21, 2023
890
I am right now feeling regret, as I have decided to take some shrooms despite me not having a scale and thus being unable to properly measure out how much I took. I didn't take that much so it probably shouldn't be that bad, but I'm still a but anxious. On the brightside, at least I had the guts to in and buy some.

Edit: I don't think I had anything to worry about since I don't feel anything so far...

Edit 2: Am I high? I honestly can't tell... I do feel pretty good right now though. I feel great actually. I also feel a lot more open than I usually do. I'm finding things more amusing than I usually do and I honestly feel more honest with my emotions right now.

I'll probably buy a scale to measure my doses with tomorrow. For now, I'm going to keep on listening to The Garden and Enjoy and enjoy myself (pun intended).
 
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not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Archangel
Mar 23, 2018
7,851
Depression is kicking my ass again. 😥 Hardly did anything all day. I want to crawl in a hole and die.
So tired. I can't wait until life is over for me. 0 joy....
Apologies for the music thread blasts. I guess I don't have much to say anymore. I hope I don't live to see another year.
I don't have any energy left.
 
trashprincess

trashprincess

She/Slur
Aug 8, 2023
185
After thinking I didn't really have much in the way of trauma, over the past two months, many of my memories revealed themselves to be traumatic I think 🤔

There's a lot of myself I never really took seriously, particularly how much I feel like an object. But things start to make more sense when I imagine my experiences actually effect me.

At this point these thoughts are consuming me, and combining with being burnt out from my latest attempt to take care of myself, to send be spiralling into despair.

Just now I was thinking of the memory I think of the most and it made me very uncomfortable in a way it never had before.

I'm starting to really feel this ctb thing...
 
EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

The drip finally stops
Oct 21, 2023
890
I'm a bit stressed out since tomorrow I'm going to ask the school about if I'll be able to enrol for summer courses.

I'm also happy because I bought a pocket scale that I can use for my shrooms. I also decided to be an idiot and try them out again today. They are starting to take effect right now. I'll probably log off this site this time around just in case my trip goes badly. I seem to have a bad habit of having mental breakdowns on here whenever I'm not sober, lol.
 
Final_Choice

Final_Choice

Mage
Aug 3, 2023
511
A weird mix of emotions, kind of crazy and manic but also depressed and collected while just overwhelmingly exhausted. I have everything I need to CTB but I can't leave things how they are at the moment so I can't, so I'm just holding my bottle of SN imagining taking it and finally being able to rest instead of doing anything else that I should be doing and will regret later for not doing it.
 
HereTomorrow

HereTomorrow

eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
149
Haven't posted in the forums for a bit...glad to be back. I'm losing it.

It's been forever since I've cuddled with someone, or even comfortably touched.
Oh, to be rubbed in the back of the ears and hugged and have my hair played with and told all is good in life.
That despite everything hurting, despite struggling to not CTB, this single moment, even if temporary, makes everything okay again. That I'll come out of this alright. That I can be here again tomorrow.
Years, too many years I've missed this. I can't even ask my friends for this because it feels too embarrassing. I don't know where to feel it.
Yeah, I'm touch starved. Yes, this is weird. I want it IRL, none of this virtual *hugs* or 👐.

I need IRL friends, I'm absolutely lonely, but 90% of my communication with anyone is here on SaSu. God I'm pathetic.
 

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