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Salvation_

Salvation_

"Please, finish my story."
Nov 25, 2020
228
I was actually doing okay at the beginning of the year, but I'm starting to get extremely worn down emotionally every day (no details, but I have to support someone when I'm barely keeping it together myself). It's really taking a negative toll on me. I don't know for how much longer I can do this. It's killing me slowly, eating me alive. At this point, I wish I could just get swallowed whole in one go instead. Much less painful.


Some extroverts really don't understand how drained an introvert can get.
 
HereTomorrow

HereTomorrow

eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
149
Let me see the world for what it could be. I want to live. I want to feel my sensations go overload and sink deeper into the reality that life sucks and I'm just trying to pretend it's okay by zoning out into what we call a miraculous wonderland. But it is okay! It has to be! Let me be okay! Let me grab life (body pillow) tightly and let's hold on together (crying very hard because trauma response and coping REALLY hard rn).

I can take it, show me the harsh realities! I will stare it down with my own two eyes.

Actually, probably, not. Idk. Still kinda want to CTB kinda, life still sucks. I'm just really giggly and excited about buying cannabis soon and my rushing thoughts are already making me slightly high. God I'm pathetic.
 
Unhumanly.

Unhumanly.

disappear, unseen and unknown
Feb 24, 2023
220
If I cry just to cry,unable to voice out the reason why to sentences because there's nothing within myself I can find as a reason for that reaction which i didn't even go through anything to provoke that reaction at the first place

Then, whose tears is it do I cry out?
 
LevUwU

LevUwU

I hate my life and the government
Mar 16, 2024
152
I want to commit multiple crimes targeted at government buildings in a suicidal bombing spree that should hopefully turn my body into unidentifiable mush
 
EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

The drip finally stops
Oct 21, 2023
890
I was going to video call that old dude since we didn't get to video call in order for him to watch me do dirty things to myself last time, lol. Sadly he's dogsitting and can't let the dog out of his sight. He's also really tired (he's always so sleepy, lol). I love him so much. I've never felt this way towards anyone else before. It hurts how much I love him. I've grown so attached to him. Thinking about him makes me so happy. I hope I'm able to visit him one day.


Edit: You know, I know that I need to do a better job at introspecting and being honest with myself, but I feel like that can be hard for me. I'm aware of my many flaws as a person, but it can be hard to properly look at myself and analyze myself and my own feelings and past experiences due to my tendency to be very negative along with my bad habit of letting my negative thoughts get the best of me and spiraling (emotionally). I always end up having to try and distract myself in order to make sure that I don't end up making a mess of myself. I'm sorry if it is a bit hard to understand where I am getting at here. I'm not very good at articulating and I'm also high right now.

It's funny how I'm not acting like a complete mess like last time. I think I'm getting the hang of keeping myself in good headspace in order to fully enjoy the experience that these nasty tasting mushrooms bring me. Anyway, I kind of just had some things on my mind that I wanted to get out there.
 
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Tapioca

Tapioca

I wish I could afford a maid.
Mar 20, 2024
10
Afraid. I'm old. I've messed up my life again. And there isn't anything else left.

I'm right back to where I was 25 years ago after my last attempt. I wish I would have died back then. It would have been a net positive for the world.

I'm afraid I'll fail again.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
18,772
My mom made me get a perm with the haircut I got for my cousin's wedding tomorrow. It was the first time I had ever gotten it or seen myself with curly hair and it looked quite awful on me. I got nothing against curly hair but on me I can't describe how terrible and terrorized by myself I felt seeing myself that way. The end result of the haircut perm actually looks alright though I don't think I would do this again cause it took way too long.
 
HereTomorrow

HereTomorrow

eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
149
I'm the most pathetic person within a 5 mile radius I'm so touch starved I've been platonically caressing a body pillow for hours at this point trying to feel anything besides the void. I'm not fallen that far to actually put an anime character on it, I just wanna feel something nice.

Also that feeling of emotional overwhelm where my mind goes "Bro someone's out to hurt you you need to hide hide hide", I've been on off curling up and shivering and crying from these feelings while pretending someone is comforting me cuz I have no one IRL to aid me. And by someone I mean a fictional adult anime character who coincidentally CTBs accidentally in the lore.

Also, my parents admitted to me recently the potent medication I take for my allergies since I was 8 has a rare side effect of depression and thoughts of suicide in young adults (that I'm still taking now as an adult lol). I got a ton of trauma and stress in my pre-teens but I would not discount that being an aid to worsening everything. I know my allergies are bad but when I got diagnosed with depression at they didn't stop/replace the medication and instead gave me SSRIs??? I mean most if not all my depression was "fixed" by downing a ton of vitamin d supplements but the idea I was possibly drugged into depression and didn't know until now is bothering me.

What else don't I know about my life? I have so many gaps in my memory it's driving my insane. Therapy trauma hits me hard but I barely remember like 95% of my sessions, I barely regonized SA that happened over a decade ago until just a few months ago. One day I might as well be told I was in a roadside accident and that's why I'm afraid of driving lol.

I'm so tired man...I'm constantly fighting my own mind...what else don't I know...
 
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Lullaby

Lullaby

🌙
Mar 9, 2022
640
I really hate this life. I'm pushing through for my cat, but it hurts being here and struggling everyday.

It feels like I'm a cosmic punching bag for people to use and leave. I stand up for myself but it doesn't even matter.

I just can't wait to leave, I really don't belong here - it's all I've been reminded of my whole life.
 
ctbcat

ctbcat

Yes, the everlasting contrast.
Jul 14, 2023
169
more content then i usually am when i visit here lolol.... (just a good confiding space)

same old sorrow... it's far too complicated or whatever, and i could sit and try to justify all of it but it doesn't matter

miss a dead boy, like i did yesterday, and the day before, and a week ago - months ago...

i'm nothing but a delusional shit for brains ....... i will die with that shame. i just wish i had the chance to know you beyond all the extensive trivia i know.

i love the unattainable. i love you.
 
trashprincess

trashprincess

She/Slur
Aug 8, 2023
185
I've been replaying all my bad memories over and over again in my head for the past two months now. All the feelings are missing from the memories, it's all just data. But the acknowledgement of that data feels like.. it's over...

I'm just hemorrhaging will-to-live at this point, hoping I can find some relief before I run out...

🤷‍♀️
 
EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

The drip finally stops
Oct 21, 2023
890
I've finally gotten down how to keep myself from spirling while talking shrooms. I feel really good right now. I can finally start learning to be honest with myself. I just need to make sure that I don't get too carried away. I need to take my time. I need to try and take my time and learn about myself and what makes me me. My thoughts feel clear. Clearer than they have been in so long. I want to die, but I want to die while being at peace with myself. I want to die feeling satisfied.
 
L

leaf23

Specialist
Dec 12, 2020
335
Just got news a relative is about to have surgery. I don't want her to die. She has family, everyone loves her, while I want to die. What i mean is that i know this is stupid and unreasonable to think/feel but i feel this is unjust. Why would the universe try to take her when she doesn't have a death wish and she loves life? Take ME instead. I know it's stupid, I'm sorry. She's got everything, don't take her away pls. I'm so beaten down by life that im just bracing myself for the worst. God, pls let her live.
 
K

Kit1

Enlightened
Oct 24, 2023
1,025
Exhausted. Traumatised. Working my last week in my current role this week and then off to a new role away from the current office (I work from home anyway). Looking forward to the change as one member of toxic colleague has made my life (and that of the rest of the team) hell. Just need to complete handover and train existing colleagues this week and hopefully off to better pastures where people will be kinder - though I have to train for that role and hoping that I can cope given all training will be online..,
 
trashprincess

trashprincess

She/Slur
Aug 8, 2023
185
Feel like I'm in existential limbo or something like that. I know I can't fix things on my own. I know I won't get the help I need. Nevertheless my bratty-ass does NOT want to go. Doesn't help that my only available methods are a little.. violent. I don't know what to do 😞 I want a hug!
 
marchshift

marchshift

Member
Mar 15, 2024
73
My mom made me get a perm with the haircut I got for my cousin's wedding tomorrow. It was the first time I had ever gotten it or seen myself with curly hair and it looked quite awful on me. I got nothing against curly hair but on me I can't describe how terrible and terrorized by myself I felt seeing myself that way. The end result of the haircut perm actually looks alright though I don't think I would do this again cause it took way too long.
I've had a perm before. Special kind of hell.
 

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