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Unhumanly.

Unhumanly.

disappear, unseen and unknown
Feb 24, 2023
220
I'm back, I just want to say I feel embarrassed and so stupid today, I just can't hold this feelings so that's why I'm here, but now, I'm just going to be there. And not anywhere. I really hope that one day I could reach an absolute isolation and detachment from any connections because that's an important step to my exit.
 
HereTomorrow

HereTomorrow

eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
149
I woke up in the middle of the night with emotional overwhelm. It kinda started before I fell asleep but I thought I could sleep it off. Three hours later of shaking, headaches, intrusive thoughts, and irrational fears I finally slept again, pretending once again to be comforted, while slowing down my breathing, and mostly okay.

This was one of the harder nights, but I'm here. I'm trying my best. I feel embarrassed saying my way of calming down is to pretend a fictional female character (who, ironically, I don't actually have any attachment or liking to outside of this situation) is comforting me. I know that whatever works, works. But, I feel really awkward about it. I'm a grown woman whose so broken down to the point I need to go to the depths of my own imagination just to not seriously consider CTB outside fantasizing my death over and over as stress relief. God I'm pathetic.
 
EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

The drip finally stops
Oct 21, 2023
890
You know, I usually come on this thread to vent about my negative feelings, but I feel really good right now. Down right euphoric even. I feel better than I have in a long time. Probably because I decided to do some shrooms, but also because I feel like I am able to see things a bit more clearly right now.

I'm a very miserable person, but I want to work on that. Whenever wider society tries to better others it's always in this way that feels fake and insincere. It can make you feel stuck. I feel like I am able to actually be honest with myself and my own faults now that I've come to realize that I need to ignore how wider society tells me how I should feel and how I should improve. I want to try thinking differently from how they are telling me to think. I'm fine with thinking in a way that might be unconventional if it means that I might be able to find some sense of peace with myself. I think that for a long time I have tried to compare myself with how I think others and wider society want me to be. I sort of fetishized the aspects of me that made it so that I always felt sort of out of place. I tried to deny my weirdness. I'm done with that.

I want to be happy so I need to slowly teach myself to let go of these things and even be a bit selfish and only think about what I want and need for once. I've spent so much time trying to make things better for others. It's led to me feeling like a burden. I lash out because I'm hurt and I don't know what to do. There were times where my family deeply hurt me in ways that I don't think I can ever forgive them for. I've tried to deny my pain. I've spent so long comparing my experiences to those who've had it worse and thinking to myself that I don't deserve to feel this way. I'm allowed to feel this way though. I'm allowed to feel unhappy with my past experiences, even if others tell me otherwise.

I finally want to do better. I'm still probably going to kill myself, but when that day comes I want to be at peace with myself. I want to be happy. I think I still have a long way to go but I want sober me to be like this me. I want sober me to feel like how I feel right now, think like I think right now, see the world like how I see the world right now. I want to feel good when I die so I'm going to work towards that.

I don't regret the bad experiences I had while first tripping. I'm thankful for it. I'm really thankful for it. I'm thankful for them leading me here, to this moment.
 
Salvation_

Salvation_

"Please, finish my story."
Nov 25, 2020
228
I feel horrible. The job market is so depressing. Should've gotten an internship they said; well, I was too busy trying not to commit suicide. I ordered something to hide my SN stash because I have to move it with my things, so I need to hide it somewhere. I don't know. I can't deal with myself, that's the biggest issue.


Anyone get paranoid that they're not even living in reality anymore? Sometimes I think I already died and I'm stuck in a simulation my head came up with.


Edit: I'm gonna go home to see if I'll fare better there. I'm clearly not in a sane type of mindset right now.
 
Last edited:
K

Kit1

Enlightened
Oct 24, 2023
1,025
I have a severe headache - non stop for the past 14+ hours. I want to die. I want to cry - yet I am laughing and talking to ensure that everyone else is okay and don't realise that I am struggling. I feel so sick on so many ways. The flashbacks have been pretty bad today. Wish I had someone to speak to who wouldn't judge me or make demands on me. Death can the only solution.
 
Unhumanly.

Unhumanly.

disappear, unseen and unknown
Feb 24, 2023
220
I hate that I don't want to go outside but doesn't mean that I won't go outside
I put my effort and energy to get myself there, all by my own, I wish there's a part of the reason I go outside that come from anyone else because that show how the world want to involve me, I know there's something to be proud about when I made all the effort all on my own but it's depressing
 
LetMeBeSad

LetMeBeSad

Student
Sep 21, 2023
155
I am dreading work because I am very tired. I finally walked away from my wife and moved in with a friend. But I don't have the first clue how I am going to afford to live. I am feeling like it will soon be time to catch that bus!
 
Final_Choice

Final_Choice

Mage
Aug 3, 2023
511
I don't want to work anymore or pull anymore all-nighters, I want to sleep for a whole day straight. I'm too tired to feel anything else, I don't know if that's good or bad.
 
not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Archangel
Mar 23, 2018
7,851
Being outdoors is overrated !!!
I long for the few years of happiness I had that will never come back. 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Nothing left but pain and misery.
I HATE life !!!
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: CTB Dream
whiteclaudia

whiteclaudia

cute + well adjusted
Mar 23, 2024
41
guilty. i moved back home earlier this month after getting out of a toxic relationship - haven't found a job yet, haven't worked on finding a tenant for me and my ex's lease, haven't done anything but unpack and sleep basically. one of the catalysts for me leaving in the first place was my mom's boyfriend telling me i'll never do anything worthwhile with my life. i feel like i'm proving him right. the fact that my mom is still with him when she knows he said that is soul crushing. i might've gotten something done this past month if i wasn't sleeping so much to avoid them.

so, mostly guilty. also a little pissed off and a lot hopeless. like the walls are closing in and there's no point in screaming.
 
EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

The drip finally stops
Oct 21, 2023
890
I feel pretty proud of myself right now. It's for something really small, but I'm proud that I did it. I feel like I'm finally learning to let go of my normative thinking patterns. I'm finally able to look at things differently.
 
HereTomorrow

HereTomorrow

eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
149
To the girl I saw once and never again in high school bathroom at 07:00 in 2017, I'm sorry for asking for your makeup to cover my open SH wounds and absolutely ruining your makeup in the process because I never used makeup and abused yours like it was petroleum jelly. It didn't even help, it stung like hell and I washed it all off.

It's still bothering me. I was a stranger and you gave me kindness and I ruined it. I never saw your reaction or your face since and I hope you're not as bothered as I am now.

I'm so sorry for messing up your makeup. I really hope you're doing okay now.
 

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