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Silent_cries

Silent_cries

I wish I could delete my trauma...
Aug 10, 2021
783
Suffering, pain, needs to die, brain is toast, can't think clearly, tired, alone, overwhelmed, hate ppl, hate myself, fuck everything!
Just want to be dead. Want the nightmares and flashbacks to go away. Can't keep living in so much pain and just want to be dead.
I feel you, dealing with trauma is awful. I'm in pain too.
 
U

Ulrich

Member
Mar 6, 2024
76
I have not slept yet. I cannot sleep. I cannot rest in comfort. I don't want time to move forward. I feel with each second closer to the future I regress into an animalistic state. I don't want to. I want to die yet I cannot, since I can't bear to think of the pain my parents will go through. I mean, any moral objection would simply disappear at the moment of death anyway, and yet I cannot help think irrationally. I want to die, yet I can never be granted it. I really just want it to end.
 
Malaria

Malaria

If I can't be my own, I'd feel better dead
Feb 24, 2024
1,022
It's so frustrating that people tell me they care about me, but then I often feel like they really don't. If they really did care, they wouldn't say such hurtful things to me they way they did. And I'm just so scared. I'm so scared that I'm going to continue having these problems, that human relationships will be too painful for me to have. I hate the dilemma of being lonely and wanting people but also being too afraid to take the risk to get out there and make friends. I hate it. I can't be with people, and I can't be alone. I hate this dilemma. I want to stop being afraid of people the way I am, but I don't know how.
 
HereTomorrow

HereTomorrow

eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
149
I spent all day on retail shift just, bored.

Alone with my thoughts and nothing to do, so I contacted a friend to just have a distraction for a few hours. Luckily I work in a part of the store where there are no cameras, so I did it all without issue. Since it was holiday I get paid more too for doing nothing.

After the talk, I actually felt a lot better. Is that all I need? A good talk with a good person? Is that all I really need to be okay? We didn't talk about anything serious just our lives, videogames, and our day, but it felt so nice just to talk to someone.

I thanked her so much for the talk but I have a tendency to either not appear grateful or borderline love bomb them accidentally (we know each other for years). I just felt so much better in days I think she deserves all the appreciation, I feel great! How long will this great feeling last before I'm passively suicidial again? Who knows!
 
EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

The drip finally stops
Oct 21, 2023
890
I'm in a really great mood right now. I just accomplished a lot today, including ordering something. I know it seems silly, but I'm very anxious, especially when it comes to social situations, so this is actually a very big thing for me. I'm in a great mood right now.

Now, I'm at home, relaxing and listening to music. Music sounds a lot better when it's from my laptop for some reason. I've already prepared the note for my mom for when I spill the beans about everything that has been going on with me (well, maybe not everything, like me sexting older men, lol). I'm pretty happy right now and I'm also very proud of myself.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
18,772
I came back from my trip to Taiwan and had to sort some stuff out with work cause I guess they thought I was already gonna be back yesterday. Honestly I don't really wanna go back yet even though I have gifts and souvenirs for some people. Mainly I'm scared to have to confront my feelings for my crush. What if she's terrified to see me back? What if she actually missed me? Now when I'm not feeling love for her I'm feeling panic and despair at even the thought of seeing her. It's so stupid how this always seems to happen with me.
 
Malaria

Malaria

If I can't be my own, I'd feel better dead
Feb 24, 2024
1,022
I know there's gotta be something deeply wrong with me... I feel so horrible that the people who hurt me haven't apologized to me and likely never will, and I can't just be normal and move on. I still carry it with me everywhere I go. It fucks with my ability to live a normal and healthy life. I don't want to be this way. I wish I could just get over it and not care, but I do care. No matter how much I try to distract myself, I can't help but care. I just want all this to stop. I hate this so much, just make it stop, don't make me remember the hurtful things they did/said to me...
 
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HereTomorrow

HereTomorrow

eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
149
I feel great! How long will this great feeling last before I'm passively suicidial again? Who knows!
Literally one day. I did borderline love bomb her and she just kinda said "Yeah no problem" and stopped talking shortly after. I am not going to bother her anymore, I'm not going to abuse the gratitude I've been given for that day.

I hate my mind it goes "Damn you having a good day? No no, let me remind you why you shouldn't be alive." and I spent half the day in mental sweats. I feel miserable, terrified, and loathing my brain. I really don't want to CTB, I feel it's too permanent and I'm not ready. At the same time, it feels like relief from myself. Why am I here to suffer with my past? Why can't I wake up feeling good and spend one shift not fantasizing my own death?

Overthinking every interaction I have, told by someone I'm the only one keeping my department alive and thinking man wouldn't it be great if I just never showed up again? Would I finally be appreciated when I'm dead? I want someone to like me for who I am instead of what I do.

I'm so tired man...
 
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Silent_cries

Silent_cries

I wish I could delete my trauma...
Aug 10, 2021
783
I'm so done, yet I'm scared I'll fail if I attempt bc I've just found out you can act out of SI while unconcious. I wonder if this means I could rip the ligature off my heck and thus fail once unconcious? I don't have access to handcuffs either. I have a second ligature I could tie my hands with, but wanted to save it for my plan b. Idk any good knots for restraining my hands either. Can't find anything online and no one replied to the thread I made like a month ago as far as I'm aware. What do I have to do to finally get out of this hell? I only destroy ppl anyways. I'm so tired. I'm so sick of it all, yet so trapped by pro-lifers and SI. I just want to go already...
 
QueerMelancholy

QueerMelancholy

Experienced
Jul 29, 2023
258
I am so sick of feeling like I am being used to perpetuate some sort of delusional thinking by people in power just so I can be told I both need to beg and work hard for the help they claim to freely provide. Less than the dirt under their boots but worthy enough for my blood to stain the flag they raise up when they claim to protect and support me and people like me. Wounded and broken and constantly being attacked and devoured constantly by a predatory system that would rather chew on my flesh until I was bones than let me escape with any sense or shroud of dignity because I am to be the statistic they use to politicize and fund the systems that both enrich them and keep them in power while people like me bleed out to paint the walls in their cathedrals and palaces while our bones build their thrones. Sometimes it just breaks me too much and I snap a little more and I can never bounce back all I can try to do is try my best to lean towards the sunlight a little more every day even though they'd rather have me in the shadows. But if I am to be a weed ever fighting against this godless wrath of righteous entitlement I say cull me now so what I have left can float up at least once for a short time free of this seemingly endless perverted circus of lies and human greed compassionately pretending to be selflessly interested in my well being while I lose any remaining self-respect I saved up to afford and protect even this poor pitiful existence I have left that I call my life.

Someone, please set me free.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
18,772
Feeling overwhelmed by a multitude of things, a real tidal wave of indecipherable emotions and reactions is swaying through me right now. What will it be like when I have to go to work tomorrow? On top of that my sister (the non autistic one) has no understanding for me. She can't believe I'm feeling so anxious about this girl because getting into relationships comes so easily to her. I wish I was dead already. It really needs to happen soon but even though I am ready to die, I'm still not ready with all my preparations. I still have so much work to do in that regard and the things holding me back are the same forces keeping me alive.
 
W

wCvML2

Member
Nov 15, 2021
205
Gross, common and disposable.

Today I saw someone from the same ethnicity as me that had a lot of ugly features that resembled mine. Specifically, their voice was the feature that I hyper fixated on because it remined me a lot of how I talk intelligibly in a really annoying manner. I felt as though a mirror / voice recording was put right in front of me without my consent and I had to endure all the repulsion I felt towards myself. I feel like a total shitty person for feeling repulsed by another huma-being, but my self-hatred is manifesting through projection, and I can't fully control it. At least I'm aware that this internal hellfire is because I hate my own features and I have to deal with it.
 
HereTomorrow

HereTomorrow

eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
149
I need a hug. I don't want to live a life fighting a battle of emotions. I don't want to abuse the little kindness I get by asking for emotional support all the time. I want to be happy. My suffering is all my fault. My SA was all my fault. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm tired. Tired. Tired.

If nothing else, not even a hug, I want hope. Hope that one day I'll get over my SA trauma. One day I can be myself without self censorship. I hate waking up and instantly running to the showers to wash my "ick". I hate running to the bathroom at work and curling up trying to fight my body and mind reliving the SA. I hate venting to my friends because I love them so God damn much I don't want to hurt them no more.

I just need to be okay. 9 years and 11 months since my first ER visits from suicidial thoughts. I'm tired man...
I want to not CTB but it ultimately feels like the answer sometimes...
It's just a bad day, a bad afternoon. I'll wake up tomorrow and be okay.
 
Final_Choice

Final_Choice

Mage
Aug 3, 2023
511
Surprisingly calm and somewhat relaxed, but anxious at the same time. If I had to describe it it's something like a calm-before-the-storm type of feeling. Maybe I'll naturally die soon, who knows. I've been feeling rather sick lately, puking lots of my food constantly, abnormal bodily wastes, and also just puking my stomach bile and feces sometimes, very not fun, 0/10 experience.

But things just seem so different lately, I don't feel hungry anymore or thirsty even though I'm barely eating or drinking anything some days, but I know my body's hungry and dehydrated. My body just simply refuses to eat, don't know why my body is rejecting food out of nowhere, wish I knew why. No matter how much water I drink (though I'm not drinking much to begin with) my mouth feels dry and after a few minutes of not drinking anything, I feel as if there's something rotting in my mouth, that's the only way I can describe it at least.

I'm tired, but I'm getting too tired to care about anything at all, even being too tired. Surprisingly, I feel more at peace than usual, which is not bad. Wish I was feeling less pain, but I've done what I can to minimize that. Maybe I'll be able to get some rest soon and be in less pain.
 
Seaghost

Seaghost

Experienced
Apr 14, 2019
299
Overloaded.
Laying in my darkend Room on my bed.
Earplugs on.
Everything is so loud and bright.
The people are happy about the warmer temperatures and the sun. Its so much. So much input. Need Darkness and silence.
Wheres the rain? The sweet dampening relaxing rain???
 
LoiteringClouds

LoiteringClouds

Tempus fugit
Feb 7, 2023
3,489
Today I made a terrible mistake at work again.
I think I'm totally unfit for any job, because I don't have a capacity to prevent mistakes from happening. I'm disabled and it's official - Japanese government says so.
I'm totally useless and it's also official, because my boss says so.

But my imaginary friend said people at work are just toxic. It's not my fault.
"You exposes people's cruelty. People who are cruel to you are really cruel no matter what they say. You see who's real friends."

I'm no Jesus but they shame and crucify me all the time. They can't simply fire me because I'm too convenient to dispose - I have disproportionately high tolerance for shaming. I'm their favorite scapegoat. I've survived countless subhuman treatment - so they can't trample me to death! I'm a doormat made of steel - kick me and you'll hurt!
 
Malaria

Malaria

If I can't be my own, I'd feel better dead
Feb 24, 2024
1,022
My eyes are stinging from all the nonstop crying I did last night. The guilt I feel is overwhelming. I genuinely fucked up and there's nothing I can do to make things okay. I am so tempted to kill myself, I think it would be for the best if I did. I feel like the world would be better off without me. I fail at everything I try. I hate myself so much. I don't deserve to get better, I don't deserve recovery, all I deserve is to be worm food. Everything I've ever done is a waste of time, I wasted so much time, and now I can't take it back. I just want to die, nothing will ever be right.
 
EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

The drip finally stops
Oct 21, 2023
890
Just some stuff I wrote in my notes today.

I keep on having these thoughts of that man potentially growing tired of me and not wanting me anymore whenever he doesn't message me every morning. I know they are irrational and I am learning to cope with them better but they still come about. To add on to this, I just checked my email just now and no new email from my brother. The last time I contacted him was Easter Sunday through Google chat. I asked him if he got my emails and he responded with "idk". Checking again has caused my thoughts to wonder into negative territory, with me wondering if he doesn't like me and has grown tired of me. I know that it's just my brain working against me. I know that my dad has talked openly about how much he enjoys spending time with me and about how he tends to get excited when I'm around. I know that he probably doesn't mean anything when he says idk, but it still causes me to grow paranoid.

These feelings are a reflection of my own self-hate. They come from me projecting my own pain onto others. I know that man is probably just busy and will message me again. I know my brother always responds to things sayings idk. I understand that, but it can be hard to brush those thoughts away. I'm so accustomed to just allowing them to take over and ruin my day. It can be hard to remind yourself that you have nothing to worry about.

I think our brains have a tendency to immediately look at the worst possibilities for why things happen. It's a survival trait. Extra caution means an increased chance of survival, so always assuming the worst can come in handy. The thing is, always assuming the worse can also blind you to reality and cause you to spiral.

I really want to try and do better. I'm going to tell them about my suspension and some of the stuff going on with me on Tuesday. I'm a bit nervous but it needs to be done. I think I might be stress eating since I've been noticing an increase in my appetite. I feel bad for having lied to them so much and for so long. They are going to be pissed. All I can do is be honest and upfront about my suspension and the pain I was in for so long and hope that they understand. I know they probably won't forgive me and I'll likely have to work to regain their trust, but when a bone breaks it heals and becomes stronger (well, that's a myth, but you get the point, lol).

I've been feeling better lately and I have been showing some small improvements in regards to my mindset and outlook on life. I've become a bit better at ordering things, which is good. I'm still very quiet and it does scare me a bit, but I'm improving nonetheless. I think I still need to learn to handle my temper better and to be more open-minded. I also need to learn to not be argumentative. Still, I'm progressing, and that's good. I've given up on selfharm and I'm slowly learning to cope with things better.

I wonder if my parents will make me take counselling after they find out about my cutting... I hope not, but if they do then I'll cooperate and try to make the most of it (even if I think it's all bs).

-------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I have the urge to fall back into my own self-destructive behaviours. I guess there is a sense of comfort that comes from them. The urges aren't as strong as they used to be but they are still there. I guess in a way those behaviours felt safe to me. They hurt me, but they feel familiar. That pain, that satisfaction I got from punishing myself, that short sense of relief I felt from doing those things to myself, they made me feel safe. It can be hard to let go of the normative habits you've built over time. It can be hard to find better ways to cope with your emotions. It can be hard to learn to take care of yourself and respect yourself. I'm not looking for self love. I just want to be able to see myself in a neutral light. I want to be able to be honest with myself and accept myself for both my flaws and my good aspects. I want to improve.

I guess my self-destructive behaviours also acted as a way for me to externalize and validate my pain. For a long time I've denied myself the right to acknowledge the pain I was in. I minimized my suffering because, compared to others, my life was easy. It's hard to learn to accept the fact that I'm allowed to be unhappy too. Self-destructing made my pain feel valid. By harming myself and allowing myself to feel violated and drained, it allowed for me to feel good. It's fucked up but true. Sometimes I want to feel all of that again, but I know better now. I need to try and make sure that I don't end up like that ever again, even if a part of me wants to go back to lashing out at myself. My heart is broken, so I must mend it. I have to do better. I must do better. I want to be happy. I want to find joy from within, so I must work towards that.

I must learn to stop these self-destructive urges in order to be able to head towards happiness.
 
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