Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[lostmind38]

Exhausted! I tried to sleep and the nightmares are just horrendous. I just want all this to end.

 

[ctbcat]

i overuse this word to hell but i always feel so agonised. AGONISED AGONISED AGONISED.... maybe not always, but whatever, just... ah, i really really need to die... it's a feeling that's persisted for years... i just need to die...

i wish there was a me that was something. that was enough, more, less, whatever... i wish i was made of clay, or maybe i wish i was delicate china that could just shatter and die.

i'm so very tired

i miss my dead boy, too.... he doesn;t know me, and i'm not delusional enough to believe my infatuation is anything special. he'd probably dislike me, maybe. but... doesn;t change anything. so many days i spend just unreasonably sad over it all. i love you and i wish i got the chance to do so properly... i'm such an insolent little piece of crud

 

[SoulCage]

I hate the waiting. I have 2 more months until i can start testing the limits of so called MH "professionals". I will tell them what's really going on in my head and I kinda look forward to their reaction. I feel excited about the encounter, but angry because I think they will insist that I have to exist.
They will again suggest that I just need to fix my thoughts. Come up with stupid questions that try to trick me into wanting to exist. But heeeeell no, there is no way they convince me. I have so many past experiences that are evidence against it.
Srsly, stop it

 

[HereTomorrow]

Breathe...
BREATHE!!!

Was doing okay until like, 20 minutes ago. Emotionally overwhelmed again for no reason. It's happened so often I know the pattern and should just move on and suffer in silence because I'll always end up okay and shouldn't burden anyone with my pains. Nothing bad is happening to me, but why does the pain feel so real? I'm okay, I should be. I'm safe. I'm okay. Yet the whole world feels like it's crumbling, and I'm a witness to it all. I can breathe and yet it feels so suffocating. I will be okay. I feel doomed to feel this way for the rest of my life. But I will be okay. I need to be okay. Because this will probably happen again tomorrow and I'm not ready for it.

Also munching on teriyaki, why does it taste better as heated leftovers instead of freshly made?!

 

[exiled]

hopeless, shocked, but somehow not surprised. broken, beaten, but somehow i survive. i'm not sure what the point of this existence is. perhaps my organs could be put to better use inside the body of another. maybe i'm a waste of space. a waste of resources, time, and supply. everything hurts, every millisecond more painful than the last. a "victim" is all i'll ever be - perhaps it's a complex, perhaps it's greed. who knows? i'm never right. i'm not sure how i'll make it through another day, another week, month, year, decade. but my beautiful golden retriever is pawing at my lap as i type suicidal thoughts onto my laptop. it's as though he can sense it, and so he reaches his paw out in desperation, begging me to stay. i look at his perfect little golden eyelashes blinking at me with confusion. "what is she so engrossed in?" is what he's thinking, but in dog.

if he knew, he'd be crushed. but i want to tell him "don't worry ben, i'm not going to leave you." i just wish it was a promise i could keep. perhaps i will. i couldn't leave him.

i'm hurting, and i'm sad. i've tried healing, in so many different forms. medication, therapy, transcranial magnetic stimulation, church, prayer, even exorcism in a dark basement with a pastor and his friend. i've tried songs, poems, piano, singing. i've tried jogging, running, getting my feet into tennis. hobbies, bracelet making, exploring old coffee shops in the area. friendships, colleagues, relationship building. college, career searching, investing in my current job.

i've done it all yet here i am. sitting inside the home of some church family who is trying to help me out. a family that is giving me the love i never received. reminding me that my days of being a childhood victim to sex trafficking are over.

yet here i am. eleven forty two at night, sitting in the guest room they have cleaned up for me. laying on my bed they transported into their home for me. blanketed by a seventy pound golden retriever who loves me more than life itself. wrapped in grace, seated in mercy. yet here i am.

suicidal.

on a forum.

wishing i could escape what, despite it all, feels like hell.

 

[Salvation_]

I really don't have the mental capacity to continue living. I hate everything. If school is this stressful, there's no way I will survive at work. I'm going to stop kidding myself at this moment, I hate talking to other people. I hate working with other people. I hate myself. I just hate, hate, hate. I fucking hate this college. Fuck me.

The worst part is that I know I'm at the end, and it doesn't make things better. Because I know life will always be like this. I fucking hate it. Fuck everything.

 

[Kit1]

Wish I could die right now.

 

[fleshgarden]

I feel destroyed and fragile. as if I'm being left to die as everyone watches. I feel like I've been ripped apart and this is becoming my last straw. I feel so so nauseous. I'm filled with dread. it won't ever stop. I just can't stop thinking about all of the reasons it's so painful to live. it hurts me so much. the pain is agonizing

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly want slp no wake rly want escp this awfl life

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm so ashamed of how incompetent I am at this. Sometimes I feel like maybe I really did have a chance with this girl but I already let my fear and anxiety get in the way and it sabotaged me. Maybe thinking that just makes me delusional and crazy. This is what it's like for me to have even a slight amount of confidence in myself. It just makes me feel stupid things that potentially terrorize others because objectively nobody should like me like that.

 

[d3ad]

I really don't have the mental capacity to continue living. I hate everything. If school is this stressful, there's no way I will survive at work. I'm going to stop kidding myself at this moment, I hate talking to other people. I hate working with other people. I hate myself. I just hate, hate, hate. I fucking hate this college. Fuck me.

The worst part is that I know I'm at the end, and it doesn't make things better. Because I know life will always be like this. I fucking hate it. Fuck everything.

I feel the same way too. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am here whenever you need someone to talk to, or just to vent.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I hate my parents for giving birth to me. I love them and I know I sound like a brat for saying this, but it's true. Apart of me hates them for bringing me into existence. I hate being alive. I've tried killing myself over and over again but, like with everything else in my life, I failed. I failed over and over again. I want to take the bottle of gin I've been hiding in my bag and drink it but my mom will be back anytime soon and I doubt I'll be able to even keep down more than 3 shots without vomiting it all up. I'm so tired of all of this. I hate being alive. I hate existing. I wish I could just die a peaceful death.

 

[Ulrich]

I feel so fucking sick. I want to throw up. I am so tired. I'm at work and I feel like fucking hurling. I can't leave since I depend on the income, and my parents would be ashamed of me. I can't do anything for them. They are far too naive. Now I am sitting in a bathroom counting the seconds until I am able to leave work. I want to go home. Fuck.

 

[CTB Dream]

Time move move make dtriort need mthod no able rly tired

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I wonder why am I so emotionally all over the place. I get so much joy out of simple things like stupid memes or playing quick games but ultimately I'm severely miserable and anxious and yet it's so hard to reach out because sometimes just interacting with one of my friends brings my mood up enough that I forget what's troubling me and I'm unable to fully address any issues I'm having. Perhaps it's more indicative of the structures life has put in place to keep me shackles and enslaved to its whims.

 

[Unhumanly.]

I'm planning a countdown

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Well, thanks to that annoying ass bastard from last night, my mood has worsened and it's followed me into this morning. Great.../s

I fucking hate that dumbass. I hope that piece of shit steps on a fucking lego piece today.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

...over two hours of gorebrowsing, so idk.

 

[CTB Dream]

Sad thing many Manga die now dragn ball me no rly fan but v sad

 

[CasperDaGhost]

Conflicted. I'm constantly switching between deciding that I need to CTB via shotgun right now and hoping that I can somehow acquire SN so that I can go in a less violent and disturbing way.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Well, my dad texted me yesteday, referring to me as a "greedy cunt" because I hanged up the phone on him yesterday because I was getting pissed off and overwhelmed by the way he was talking to me. How are you going to call me greedy and talk about being "robbed" when you were the one who willing gave me that shit in the first place? I didn't even ask for it! You insisted on it!

It doesn't matter. I've come to learn a long time ago that people only like me when it's convient for them. I don't understand why I even try anymore.

It's funny how the same person who was talking about how I should be happy for my birthday ended up going on to call me a "greedy cunt" a few days later, lol. Well, who's fault is that? You were the one who created me. You were the one who raised me. If I end up becoming a "greedy cunt" because you decided to give me something I didn't even ask for then that's partly your fault.

I'm so tired. I want to die. I want to runaway from this place. I hate that dumbass and I wish he didn't decide to rawdog it with my mom just because he wanted a family. He created his own problem.

Looks like part of getting older for me is watching my relationship with my father fall apart days after I turn 21.

I also have to now get stressed out over shit involving my student loans and grants thanks to my suspension. I'm hoping to apply for summer courses but I'm not sure if I'll be able to or not...

I only ever went to university due to it feelong like it was expected of me and I hated every second of it. Maybe I'll try to kill myself again before the month is over. Idk...

 

[skybox]

I've been crying on and off for several hours now over Akira Toriyama's death. I don't usually care when random people die, but I always knew it would hit me hard when he passes. I feel like I've lost a part of me as dramatic as that sounds. Dragon Ball has been in my life for 20 years now, I grew up playing Budokai Tenkaichi with my brother, watching DBZ and DBZ Abridged later on. Watched the entirety of the og DB years ago and it's one of the best pieces of animation out there, the adventures before the power. I've cosplayed Android 18, got Goku's English voice actor's autograph, I could go on and on about how much Toriyama's work was present throughout my life.

It's a sad day on top of this shit week

 

[recat]

nothing feels real, this can't be real. life this bad can't be real. i just miss them. i miss when life was perfect before. i had a life and i dont even know what happened to it but now its just gone

 

[delora]

A day, a week, a month. It's all the same, jumbled together as I lose grasp of time. Dissolving.

Is this really all there is to life? And once you no longer have energy to enjoy the few things that are supposed to bring you some semblance of joy, where do you turn?

I'm afraid of sinking deeper.​

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I've misplaced a key at work! What a disgrace!
I can't go home until I find it

 

[HereTomorrow]

Stressed, but in a good way? Irl high school friends are visiting me for the first time in months this week from university spring break, and I'm half considering confiding in one of them about my SA. Really scared they might be overwhelmed, and I really don't want to lose them, but I genuinely need to get this off my chest IRL. I lost friends before by being too honest with my thoughts, but I'm willing to open up again. If I lose them, well, I guess I'll look back on methods to CTB again.

This feeling of keeping a burden haunting me on the daily really is affecting me, otherwise I'd keep it a secret or endlessly vent the same thing over and over here on SaSu,

I've been practicing for days and days and my brain would force me to stop when I try to go into details. Are my rehearsals too dramatic to be attention seeking? Not dramatic enough to be another kind of attention seeker? Should I say a lot or a little? If I say a lot am I writing a novel? My head hurts thinking about it consciously and I instantly feel like curling up, hiding at the thought that can't escape my head, but if I do that to my friend I might hurt her.

If I don't say it, well, I guess she's still my friend in the end. Am I doing this friendship well? I rarely vent to her, but she's been more compassionate and told me I can tell her anything. I don't want to say I want to "test" it, but I also just want someone IRL to see me in the flesh saying this. "I was SA'd, and even after a decade it's hurting me and I want to be heard".

 

[LostInTheWoods]

Desperation, anguish....I did the mistake to contact a person who used to be a friend of mine, and seeing her so distant from me it's been terrible....even if she was kind she also gave me a piece of advice, but you know it's sad anyway remembering that we are not in contact anymore, even because now i'm completely alone

 

[Kimlett]

I feel tired and hopeless and deeply sad. Life just gives me people I love just so I can't kms. Life could have been something nice if a few stupid things out of my control had been different. My heart is broken.

 

[Lostandlooking]

Don't know how to express this feeling. I can't relate to most things or people anymore. It's been like this for a while. I'm aimlessly drifting. Spending my time doing chores and constantly feeling overwhelmed with them. Then spending some money on retail therapy and feeling overwhelmed and dissastisfied about that also. Playing a part in other people's lives and it feels like acting. Because the real me is so completely lost. The impossibility of reconciling these things. There's no answer, no light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like something broke inside me a couple of years ago. And this time it's beyond fixing. So I'm just drifting. Always irritated, restless, anxious. And there are no answers left. I can keep doing this, so for now I will. At least the pain isn't as sharp anymore. Life is just difficult. The lack of connection is sometimes getting to me. Even though I have people in my life. But I don't think they really understand. What do I want? There's no real motivation or desire for anything. When I get out of the house the only thing I want is for it to be over and get back home. When I see people, I feel relief when it's over and I can get back home. I wish I could experience rest and calmness.

 

[LostInTheWoods]

Helen I'm sorry that have let you down and I'm sorry if i wrote you last Tuesday a pathetic and embarassing message after all these years. I know that you were just normal to me, but nobody has ever been normal to me, so for me it was not normality, it was something extraordinary. And I know you can't write an overwhelming message withouth even asking How Are you first. and and it's normal that you said you were just normal, not a saint. That was not a mircale if you were my friend.
But for me it was. It's not like I'm going to end my life becuase of you, in fact I was suicidal even when I was your friend, I don't care that much about solitude, I care way more about my job failure for example. You just were a nice companion, even just a friend, and it was nice, that's all. Of course I failed also this message, I could have wrote you something normal lie Hey, it's been a while, how is life going? But I'm not normal so I sent that pathetic message, sorry.