Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[HereTomorrow]

Really stressed.

I finally mustered up the courage to speak up about my SA on my 18+ social media (CW as such) and ended up overwhelming one of my followers to the point of him having an emotional breakdown. I feel ashamed and stressed even more. I shouldn't of spoken up about how I felt. I should of kept it hidden. I want to hide under the blankets and hide from the world. I'll wake up tomorrow and be okay but right now, I want to hide away from everyone and everything.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think I said this before already but I saw a video explaining the psychological nature of crushes and I may be paraphrasing but I think he basically said that almost all of the time, the person who is getting crushed on will suffer more than the person having the crush.

Well SHIT. That just means that every girl I've ever liked must be really going through far too much. I'm not even trying to disagree with him. If my suffering is supposed to pale to theirs then how have they not killed themselves already? I suppose they're all stronger than me, especially the current one. She was here at work and I'm pretty sure she saw me but she didn't even say hi. Now why didn't I say hi to her? We've been over this. I think at this point it's almost clear that she wants nothing to do with me. She must be very uncomfortable knowing I like her because I'm a shitty person and nobody should have to suffer having to deal with me being attracted to them. With how my body and mind are freaking out health wise and for her to be somehow enduring worse torment than that? How cruel am I for putting her through all this? I kind of just wanted to ask her if she's okay, I still don't know why she had to go to urgent care on Friday or why she wasn't at work on Saturday. I know maybe some might think it seems sweet that I care this much but honestly this is just more sick obsessiveness that makes me a selfish and cruel and creepy individual.

She does not deserve the constant fear of having to be pursued by someone like me. I really really wish I could just kill my self sooner and get out of her life now but because of how idiotic and incompetent I am I just can't yet. I've let my dark obsessions with her interfere with my plans and it's been so frustrating not having the energy to even work on them but that's just how it's gonna have to be…

Like, I know my yearning is so disgusting. I just want more time to talk with her. For me to explain why I've been such an idiot due to my inexperience. For her to accept that to my shock and bewilderment then she reveals she felt the same and was just afraid I didn't like her back. As stupidly unrealistic as it is. I want this to happen then I eventually get to hold her and have her hold me back. I want it so much and it makes me such a disgusting freak because I hardly know her. I need to be put down. I need to be killed but everybody is too stupid or sympathetic to see why I need to be eliminated. I shouldn't have to be the one to do it myself but if I am I might as well then. I shouldn't even be locked up because then people would be wasting precious food and water and oxygen just to keep my alive. The very jail cell they would put me in would be far too grand a gesture for me. It's better for me to be killed and then sent to hell.

 

[Meteora]

I feel like a failure, actually, I have no words. I just woke up thinking I shouldn't be taking this life anymore.

How much pain can a person bear before they completely break?

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly strgl do any anhedo no brain wat do no have any

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I've been sexting more guys and have been doing some kind of gross and pervy things to appease them. I hate it because it makes me feel like a gross pervert but I also kind of love it because of the attention I get. The entire experience is so draining that I always feel incredibly exhausted afterwards both emotionally and physically. Sometimes I get paranoid that they don't actually like me and are making fun me behind their screens. I know it's probably not good for me but I keep on doing it anyway. I keep on searching for more men to add and I keep doing my best to satisfy them.

Sometimes I feel like I am going through my "rebellious phase" right now, or at least my version of it (I don't think anything that I've been doing would be considered rebellious rebellious by most). I don't teenage me would be doing of shit that I am now doing.

I just woke up after a long nap and I still feel tired. I always feel at least slightly tired though, so this isn't that out of the ordinary for me. I'm going to go and get something to eat.

 

[Meteora]

Yea it was pretty heartbreaking, but I think I was so dependent on her at the time that I didn't pay attention to it. Recently I've been kinda the same. Don't wanna leave my room. I have school tmro and I'm rlly dreading it. It's okay to hurt, and if I'm being honest, if it weren't for school, I wouldn't rlly have a reason to go anywhere either. Are you two still in contact or just cut things off completely?

I hope you made it to school...
Love is always a bit of dependency, too. Every relationship makes us "dependent", that's ok. Just sad if others use it against you.

No we re not in touch anymore, I asked him to block my account cause I knew I wouldn't be able not to contact him again. Well yes that is dependency. Or love, idk.

 

[F@#$]

I really want to fuck that chick that just left my house.

 

[kawaiiphantom]

Scared :<

 

[fafnir_lol]

Tired, but can't sleep.

 

[0000000000000]

I'm done of the same things happening over and over again, but if things go well this cycle will be broken once and for all.

I jokingly call this 'part of my life' something like: the breaking of an endless cycle.

 

[synchroscope]

Nausea. Stress. Guilt. And the overwhelming urge to be horizontal. But that's just my average Wednesday.

 

[Unhumanly.]

I'm going to move out and change my identity, .. again, I don't know for how many times have I did it again
No matter how many times I move out, how many times I changed identity, there's specific person knowing my agenda, what I will change my identity to, and where I'm going.

the specific person.
There's a link I can't just cut.
No.

 

[ihatemyparents]

Abused. Just kill me.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Now that I know about limerence, I know that I've only ever felt that way about certain other people. It honestly hurts knowing that I've never felt true love for anyone even though I already kind of knew that and knew it was a good enough to reason to believe I should kill myself because as long as I am allowed to live I will likely keep having limerence over innocent victims who want nothing to do with me and even if someone is crazy or stupid enough to love me back, they will quickly lose interest once they find out how I really am. I know I've caused my limerence objects to suffer primarily because I saw them as nothing more than objects and that fact honestly does make me way more comfortable with CTB'ing but now I just need to actually start on it…

 

[BorderlineChellery]

I feel like there's a gaping black hole in my chest, it's sucking the life out of me. Each day things just get worse. The only thing that gives me hope is the plan I'm making to ctb

 

[CTB Dream]

This life all sffr no end wat do not know no have slf no have any

 

[Meteora]

Not much, I m numb. Was planing my end well in the last two days. Today I m just tensed and not able to do much. Have a horrible headache.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Uh oh, the urge to recover is getting more intense lately, or at least the intrusive thought of getting a therapist. Thankfully I have no idea how to get one even though my part time job does provide mental health benefits. I tried looking up how to get one once but I got bored by the technicalities. I think I need to call someone to schedule something but I just can't find the energy to do that. This is just more desperate pleadings from the other side of me that forced me to get this job in the first place. He hates me so much he'd rather see me thrive and survive and therefore suffer than to let me kill him already.

Fucking Godzilla Minus One.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

trapped. i dont have reasons to live, i just have reasons i cant die. this thought has been going around in my head constantly ever since my last therapy session. after i told her about something thats stopping me from killing myself, she asked "isnt that a reason to live?" and i replied "its more just a reason i cant die" and i realised thats all i have. ive known for a while i dont have any reasons to live, which always confused me bc if i dont have any why am i still here. realising its just bc i have reasons i cant die kinda made it make sense, but now i just feel even more trapped. im not living for anything, im just forced to not die. i wonder if thats what stops others. i wonder if thats why people who seemingly have reasons to live still end up killing themselves, because they dont have reasons not to. it feels so pointless. and cruel. i want to go so badly but im not allowed. its not fair. i never agreed to be here, why do i have to stay even when i dont want to. why do people who want to stay get taken away. its a cruel fucking joke.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think the age minimum to become a wizard has been extended because has nobody shown up to grant me magical powers for being a virgin for 30 years. Ain't no way am I gonna wait til 55 or 60. I can't even fathom the idea of being 31 and still a kissless virgin. The thought of it fills me with so much contempt for the world that I should absolutely be stopped and have myself be killed before it's too late.

 

[doormat25]

I feel a lot of pain.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Overwhelmed. Getting nightmares about stuff that occurred in my childhood (mostly SA). Too tired to be awake but too alert to sleep. I don't want to CTB now but working 6 days in a row at work before I can rest again is hurting my head. Really don't know how I'm still here sometimes.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm not feeling great today. My dad will soon have to turn himself into the police in a few days from now and my mom is going to get back from her vacation soon. I love my mom but living with her can be draining at times and being able to say whatever without feeling nervous or stressed or guilty was a refreshing change pace. I've always felt calmer and less anxious around my dad.

I'm also scared about my dad potentially being in held in jail for a year. He says that hus lawyer says that he'll likely be able to make sure that he only stays there for a day instead but my dad doubts that and claims that he has bad luck in these situations.

 

[Ferdinand Bardamu]

I really need a good nights sleep and to get my hobbies back

 

[gu1klh]

I feel treated so unfairly by the person I love the most and don't want anything bad for them. They make it seem like I need to be perfect while they treat me like shit

 

[greebo6]

Bit desperate

 

[InAgony]

Shocked

 

[EvisceratedJester]

My dad went out to meet with someone and I decided to use his weed vape on impulse. I try lastnight but it didn't do much but make me fleel slightly gloaty and relax. I tried again not too long ago but this time I took a long inhale. After coughing a whole bunch I started to feel a bit float and relaxed and now I think I might be high. Apart me wants to go back and inhale some more. I've never been high before!!!!

It feels so good, much better than being drunk!!!! I feel so good right now!!!!

I'm so high on my AMPM TRUCK!!! HA HA HA HA HA HS HA HSHA HA HA HA!!! HA HA HA HS HA HA HAB !!! SO FUNNY AHHAHAHAHA!!!


Goodnight!!! Dont let the bed bugs bite you!!!! and a bunch of hearts for you because I love you alllllll!!!! Hugs and kisses!! I wish you all welll!!!!

 

[leaf23]

I feel doomed, like my story's been written. I'm so tired of failing, so tired of feeling sad, so tired of feeling anxious, so tired of feeling tired.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Feeling horrible !!!!
I hate life !!!!
Why couldn't I CTB years ago.
Would have saved me years of MISERY.
Life just continues to spiral downward !!!!
I try to keep up with this thread, haven't done that lately either.
Life=Shit !!!!
My brain is in a constant fog.
Please let me die...