Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Ambivalent1]

GI distress

 

[doormat25]

I don't want to be awake/alive.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

My throat hurts but I guess it was worth it even though I botched all the Frontiers boss music at karaoke.

 

[HollowDrop]

Coughing my lungs out thanks flu.

 

[Kimlett]

I feel extremely blue. I don't want to work. The world is too cold. I'm afraid of everlasting diseases; viruses, fungus and bacteria living in my body. I hate it. And I accepted a job I shouldn't have and now I don't know if I should quit. I made things worse This bad streak has to end, please life I beg you, I need a fucking rest.

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly not know wat do, feel no way go any this trap

 

[BlessedBeTheFlame]

Hatred.

 

[anxious_depressive]

Well, it's my birthday today.

But I am desperate, scared and depressed.
My health has deteriorated a lot in the last few months.

The doctor suspects some kind of physical illness.
And soon I will have to undergo an examination to find out what it is.
This is putting even more pressure on my psyche.
I have no strength at all.

I'm just devastated.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

My feelings today are a mixture of kind of happy and kind of stressed out. On one hand, I took the opportunity to go to sex shop for the first time and buy my first sex toys. I also decided to go to a cannibis store for the first time to buy some weed. I made a but of fool of myself and I meant to buy edibles but ended up getting some blunts instead, due to me just ording what the lady before me ordered. I'll probably buy some edibles some other time. I smoked one of them not too long ago but I haven't really felt anything like I did the night before lastnight. Still, I feel pretty good right now.

I'm also stressed out because my dad had to turn himself in today and depending on how things turnout he may either get out today or end up spending a year in jail.

 

[bakkikak]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

Overwhelming sadness, but also rage.

 

[Meteora]

hollow, tensed, depersonalised, like a ghost

 

[reignerreigns]

Same old same old, im just procrastinating my departure...in due time. Meanwhile i might consider give life the last chance to prove its actually worth living...at the very least until i can be alone in a room which i take it will be a couple of months from now...that ought to give me time to think my methods through.So anyway, anyone willing to make friends? For what its worth, i truly wanna make friends who speak russian. I love languages, games, music, do calisthenics, love studying...as youre no doubt aware i simply set "futile" goals like to learn russian just to keep me distracted from recklessly rushing to dissapearing and ultimately regetting it. I wont be judgemental, we are all here for a common purpose...but i dont see any harm in taking it easy and out of the heat of the moment

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm worried right now because that old dude wanted me to send a picture of my mom and dad to him because he wants to see what they look like and I refused to and I think he's upset. I texted him an apology not too long ago and he hasn't responded back yet. He questioned how we are going to be together if I cannot do this for him but I don't feel comfortable with sharing photos of my family to him.

Not that long ago I was shoving a dildo up my pussy for him despite it hurting and making me feel uncomfortable just because he wanted me to (I bought my first one yesterday so I'm still new to it). I tore my own hymen for him. I kept on going despite how it felt just for him and he knows that and now he's questioning if I love him because I don't feel comfortable with sharing photos of my parents with him? Are you kidding me? Now I'm stuck here, freaking out because he hasn't responded yet and I'm scared he's going to stop talking to me.

Why am I even so attached to him? Why do I have a soft-spot for him? I don't get it! I have doubts that he even views me as a person! When I was really high that one night, I kept on texting him and he got horny and got me to send him videos even though he knew I was really high! There was a point where I even sent him a text saying "Consent??" but he just ignored it. I'm just saying this not because I think he did anything that bad but moreso to highlight what I mean when I say I sometimes have doubts about him viewing me as anything more than a sex object.

I don't have a right to feel upset about this. I keep on enabling his behaviour and he honestly deserves better than me. I'm such a piece of fucking shit. I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe that's why I keep on sending shit to other guys despite my feelings for him? When I'm really drunk or really high I end up sending him a bunch of messages about how much I love him. I don't think I can handle an actual relarionship. I don't know.

Anyway, all I can do is wait and hope this all blows over.

Edit: He's not angry and seems to have forgotten about it.

 

[HereTomorrow]

I'm too stressed IRL after 6 days of work, a day off finally, and overwhelmed with the few peers I have. I didn't want to CTB, so I ended up "sedating" myself with hibiscus tea (I have very low BP and this lowers it immensely, probably won't do these effects to normal or high BP). I never did it in the afternoon, always night to sleep which I'm typically already tired, so it knocks me out within 15 minutes and I wake up refreshed.

Spoiler: Hypotension experience + me basically losing my mind

God, oh god, to have an awake mind and body shut down, I thought I was legitimately dying. The world spinning, my head pounding, my heart trying to make up for it and nearly sweating, or shivering? I couldn't tell if I was awake or asleep, as my dreams were people trying to wake me up despite being alone. Oh God am I dying?! Did they think I CTB'd?! Did I actually???

I took this tea before, but I upped the dose to truly knock me out after no effects for 40 minutes. I was struggling to breathe clearly, I could smell my own blood flowing from within. I couldn't see my own ceiling fan as I looked at my clock, I didn't remember 30 minutes passing. I don't remember sleeping but I remember being awake. Unless I don't remember being awake?

I didn't know until later I was dreaming so I tried to put myself to sleep by pressing my fingers on my carotid artery and actually felt myself passing out for the first time. It felt both agonizing but so relaxing.

After waking up and falling asleep for who knows how long, I ended up having a lucid dream turned nightmare and trying to create a door to escape the suffocating hallways I kept falling and falling until I woke up with a rapid heart rate and the world spinning. I forced myself to wake up because I needed to cook dinner for family later. The whole event was around 3-4 hours long and I'm more relaxed overall now.

I just wanted to sleep and basically triggered hypotension. The problem now is this fear and helplessness and relaxation felt so good, like some weird form of self harm. I want to do it again on my next day off (which is like...one week lol), I'm buying more tea. I can legally buy weed, but my job actively checks for it. They can't however fire me for lowing my BP intentionally.

 

[kawaiiphantom]

SO DAMN EEPY. BUT ITS 9 PM. don't wanna sleep. But so tired…..so sleepy……..
Miss them already time zone difference sucks

 

[Widdershins]

Everything in my life has slowly been getting worse. I'm starting to genuinely lose hope. I haven't been fighting my dark urges as much anymore, I really don't care. I might actually kill myself this year.

I'm also insanely moody, so probably as soon as I get a dopamine boost from anything at all, I'll forget about this post. :P But I'm also aware my lows are getting lower.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I need to erase my boss from my brain - he's an abominable figure and I don't know words that can describe him - even a "war criminal" or "terrorist" is a gross understatement. So I need to expunge him from my memory to stay sane.

Fortunately he doesn't speak English - so it's relatively easy to forget about him. I simply switch my brain into "English mode" and his words are now just foreign language. My lunchtime is bliss.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I feel so much anger. I fear I am becoming more and more like my father due to this. It might already be too late for me. Even if I did enter a relationship at this point I'll probably end up abusing her and/or any kids we had due to all this repressed anger I have. I have no good outlet for letting out this rage and even if I did, apparently releasing anger is supposed to always be bad because your body will start feeling good when releasing it and associating anger with that good feeling. There's no such thing as a healthy outlet apparently you're supposed to just never run into anything that makes you angry ever again.

Mark my words, if I don't CTB by next year, it won't just be me who suffers. This is not a threat, but an observation. A glance into the future that I would be powerless to prevent if I'm not killed before it's too late.

 

[Ephemeron]

My life is getting worse every year, every day even. No matter what choices I make, it just gets worse. I'm drinking more as time goes by and I don't want to be an alcoholic. I think I'll go before I get some sort of dependency. I hate alcohol. I'm so desperate it hurts.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm not in a great mood today. My birthday is coming up soon, which I'm not excited about, I feel stressed out over if my suspension will affect my ability to apply to summer courses or not, the whether is getting warmer meaning that soon my mom will probably force me to wear short sleeves which means exposing my sh scars to her, my self-conciousness over my looks has only been worse (I keep on having growing insecurities over my labia because of this stupid trend of having a pornstar type cunt going around), I'm constantly tired, and my urges to runaway have been getting worse.

I've had urges to runaway for long time, since maybe around middle school, and they are getting worse again.

I feel miserable and worthless.

 

[woundedanimal]

Alone. Hated. Scared. Longing for someone to care about me. My throat hurts. My eyes burn. My back and neck keep spasming. My chest aches. My stomach is churning. I just want it to stop. I just want everything to stop.

 

[Malaria]

Craving junk food to cope with depression... Feeling really bored and lethargic and demotivated to do the things I love. Listening to music is helping me get through the day.

 

[woundedanimal]

My life is getting worse every year, every day even. No matter what choices I make, it just gets worse. I'm drinking more as time goes by and I don't want to be an alcoholic. I think I'll go before I get some sort of dependency. I hate alcohol. I'm so desperate it hurts.

Same. I keep thinking, I kinda wish I could afford to just bury everything in vodka and put on a happy face until my body fails. Like, my uncle and dad both died from addiction but they were "fun" despite their depression, and everyone loved them and understood. People still joke about my dad "dying as he lived" because he was found naked surrounded by cocaine, his favorite escape after he lost custody and visitation of my siblings and I. I wish I could find a way to have that, somehow. The kind of depression that you can mask behind a bottle or a bag of something until it kills you, and then people still show up at your funeral without being all *whisper whisper I heard he killed himself*. Instead it's just, "yeah the bottle got him." Or "lol cocaine induced heart attack, that's just how he partied!"

It seems gentler than the alternative, though it's longer and more expensive.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Tired tired tired...
I worked a few hours over my normal shift, legs ache, mind blank.
Not even apathy. Not that I am indifferent about life, but so tired I am overwhelmed and just sinking deeper into my mind replaying a broken record of distorted memories.
I'm not fighting these agonizing intrusive thoughts, but I'm also not giving into them. I'm just letting it happen, sitting, and feeling every bit of pain. So tired I can tolerate them on the outside.
Just tired. Very, very, tired...my mind wants to say more, but I will only repeat myself eternally. I'm tired...tired.

 

[Ephemeron]

Same. I keep thinking, I kinda wish I could afford to just bury everything in vodka and put on a happy face until my body fails. Like, my uncle and dad both died from addiction but they were "fun" despite their depression, and everyone loved them and understood. People still joke about my dad "dying as he lived" because he was found naked surrounded by cocaine, his favorite escape after he lost custody and visitation of my siblings and I. I wish I could find a way to have that, somehow. The kind of depression that you can mask behind a bottle or a bag of something until it kills you, and then people still show up at your funeral without being all *whisper whisper I heard he killed himself*. Instead it's just, "yeah the bottle got him." Or "lol cocaine induced heart attack, that's just how he partied!"

I'm a bit different as there will be nobody to come to my funeral. I have nothing to lose by being an alcoholic, but alcohol makes things worse except for a small period of time. Moments where I don't feel the unbearable pain.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Kind of stalkery but I don't care. I'm already an evil creep for even liking someone in the first place. I might as well embrace it.

I found out the girl I like is online right now playing some game called Divinity Original Sin 2. It's a game I've never heard of but she's in a lobby with someone else. This someone else probably has way more charisma than I and is probably the real reason she doesn't actually reciprocate my feelings. I'm basically getting cucked all over again. I told myself I wouldn't let this happen to myself again. I really really REALLY wish I had just CTB'd sooner before I could even experience this misery and despair but I guess it's what I deserve. I'm just going to keep getting shit on by life for as long as I live but the cruel powers that be know that they need to bring me up just to make tearing me down all the more sweeter to them.

I want to tear out my throat. Just rip it out until all the blood drains and I die. I want to do the same to every little shit who thinks I can turn my life around and that I was actually going to find someone this year. I want to burn my bridges with everybody. I want to burn EVERYBODY. I want every single innocent soul to feel just as wretched as I feel right now. I want to stop myself before I can achieve this devastation. I want someone to know what I want to do so that they'll stop me and hopefully kill me because I'm too fucking cowardly to do it to myself! I want to die by any means necessary. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die!

 

[d3ad]

Nothing is going well for me at the moment. I just wish I could pay someone to do it for me. I don't have the means to do it myself. I am beyond exhausted, both physically and mentally. I have no energy, nothing.

Kind of stalkery but I don't care. I'm already an evil creep for even liking someone in the first place. I might as well embrace it.

I found out the girl I like is online right now playing some game called Divinity Original Sin 2. It's a game I've never heard of but she's in a lobby with someone else. This someone else probably has way more charisma than I and is probably the real reason she doesn't actually reciprocate my feelings. I'm basically getting cucked all over again. I told myself I wouldn't let this happen to myself again. I really really REALLY wish I had just CTB'd sooner before I could even experience this misery and despair but I guess it's what I deserve. I'm just going to keep getting shit on by life for as long as I live but the cruel powers that be know that they need to bring me up just to make tearing me down all the more sweeter to them.

I want to tear out my throat. Just rip it out until all the blood drains and I die. I want to do the same to every little shit who thinks I can turn my life around and that I was actually going to find someone this year. I want to burn my bridges with everybody. I want to burn EVERYBODY. I want every single innocent soul to feel just as wretched as I feel right now. I want to stop myself before I can achieve this devastation. I want someone to know what I want to do so that they'll stop me and hopefully kill me because I'm too fucking cowardly to do it to myself! I want to die by any means necessary. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die!

I am so sorry you feel that way.

 

[Widdershins]

Practiced partial hanging and managed to mess it up again. Posted it in hanging megathread if anyone's interested. Now my chest hurts, probably from stress. I'm reaching the end of my rope. :D

The only person I felt comfortable venting to in real life is now ignoring me. And I can't decide if it's something I did or if he's just busy. It's really messing me up. He's knows I'm a mess and I can't take it much longer. Has he given up on me? If so I wish he had told me to my face. Is he just busy? If so I wish he had told me. I can't stand fickle friends.

 

[consider]

I feel sad recently after finding out what I've experienced through my whole life was emotional flashbacks. Sometimes I am too scared to move even when I'm in my own room and really need to go to bathroom. I wish my father beated me with a knife so i can relief from suffer when I was 2 or 3.

 

[Nova]

Desperate.
Also, totally unrelated : Constipated.