Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[gymaddict18]

Why am I still here. I miss her too much and have nothing to live for anymore. She won't miss me even though I've written her letters every day since she left.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm doomer daydreaming again. I'm scared she might have killed herself or quit the job because of me. If I see her today I have no idea what to do maybe I will try to make things serious or maybe I'll just back off. Either way my heart is still going to suffer from all the yearning

 

[Kimlett]

I guess this is a good place to vent, even if nobody reads it. I feel so trapped. I really want to die, anything makes any fucking sense. I'm about to start a new job and for what? Why do I have to learn any new stuff, why do I need to work? Everything is so useless, why does not humanity go extinct?

I have a family, I have friends, I have a partner, why is it never enough? I want to die despite all that love. I have no freedom, I just can't kill myself, I can't ruin their lifes. Why was I born, why me among the million fucking possibilities? I want to dissapear and I want everyone to totally forget about me, I want to go in silence and don't disturb anyone.

I'm in so much pain, I feel like my heart is bleeding and filling my chest with rotten blood. I can't stop thinking about how merciful it would be to just die and how absurd it is to stay alive. So much fucking unnecesary pain. Life is excruciatingly long. I want it to end, please.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel so tired and drain right now. I also feel kind of terrible.

I was sexting some guys today. The first two were fine. The last one turned out to be 16. He lied about about being 23, then told me he was actually younger and I had assumed me meant that he was around 18-19. He then revealed that he was 16 and I immediately called things off. Now I feel gulity about sending explicit videos of myself to someone was underage. He didn't send anythibg to me, thankfully, but still. I've blocked him but I feel gross and perverted for doing all of that stuff.

 

[tvoisluga]

Нищо. Не чувствам нищо.
Nothing. I feel nothing.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

I got some work done, and I might get some more done later. Although, I'm feeling super lazy. My ears are most likely going out too cause I keep listening to music.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Concerningly hyperactive, hyperaware, and stressed via intrusive trauma thoughts. I high dose on Vitamin D near daily to ease depression symptoms but it makes trauma responses stronger.

Had a mini but not devastating emotional meltdown on shift (mostly rushing intrusive thoughts like the world would be better off without me, impulsively thinking of ways to CTB before my shift ends, and SA recall via unwanted phantom touches).
Makes me feel worse in a way. Nobody cared I was curled up in a corner of a desk trying to ground myself while dooming that nobody cares about me.

Just recovered from it fully a bit ago, stressed this will happen again. Now too hyperactive to sleep which makes me more stressed.

 

[leloyon]

Just had the text equivalent of a shouting match with the person I could be considered closest to nowadays. Don't really know how to feel about it, mostly empty. Feel regret yet no remorse. I feel bad about what I've done in the way that it impacts me, but nothing really about how it affected him.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think I may have raised some alarm bells among my friends. They know I plan to CTB in the next few months but joke's on them. That's all part of my plan anyway to get them used to it so when it does come it'll be less of a shock to them.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I just got off ft with someone. I had to masturbate with them. I've done it a few times with them in the past and I hated it each time. I still hate it. It makes me uncomfortable, as does sexting as a whole, yet I still do it. I still put myself in these situations. Yesterday I was putting clothespins on my nipples at 5 in the morning because some dude asked me to. It hurt like hell but I kept them on the entire time. The night before I fucked myself using the handle of a hairbrush because him (he did ask me if I wanted to stop, thankfully) and some other dude asked me too. It hurt so much. Yet I wanted to be desired so badly and didn't want to disappoint anyone that I still did it. I know that none of this is good for me but whenever I try to stop the desire to do these things just stronger and stronger. It's gotten to the point where sometimes I have the urge to go further and try to be more promisicus in real life. The only reason that hasn't happened yet is because I'm too shy and awkward to ever make that a reality. I hate myself. I kept on having thoughts about wishing that I got ran over by traffic yesterday. I wished I'd been aborted. I hate this.

 

[Meteora]

I feel very horrible. Dont even know if I have words to describe this agony. My boyfriend left me two days ago, he was my soulmate, my partner in crime, my everything. Now he's gone and if I already was suicidal before, now I feel it even much more.The senselessness, the languor. I hate myself for sitting here and complaining instead of taking action. I m such a creep

 

[Average Enthusiast]

Idk really, it's sorta hard to describe. Whenever I'm around others, I think I am happy but then when it's over, I realise that it felt more like an act. I feel like the good people in my life just kinda, forget me. I hate being alone but at the same time, it's almost like a safe space, something I can't mess up. All I ever want is to talk to someone who knows what I'm going through, someone that wouldn't just run when I open up to them. Someone that doesn't see me as a liability, a ticking time bomb, but instead a person who's really just struggling.

I feel very horrible. Dont even know if I have words to describe this agony. My boyfriend left me two days ago, he was my soulmate, my partner in crime, my everything. Now he's gone and if I already was suicidal before, now I feel it even much more.The senselessness, the languor. I hate myself for sitting here and complaining instead of taking action. I m such a creep

I'm sorry to hear that. Breakups feel like shit, especially if you were with someone you properly connected to. It's good you're venting this out tho, it's better you saying it out than just keeping it in. It's normal to kinda shut down almost after something like that, but it's important to also slowly pick yourself up. You may still hate yourself, but it's better to fight right? Doing hobbies you love is a good distraction and time killer. Even if it only takes your mind off things for a little while, it's better than nothing. Obviously people recover in many different ways but from my personal experience, that worked for me. I'm sorry if it's too personal of a question but did things end on a sour note or was it mutual?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm such a fucking idiot. There's no way she ever actually liked me like that. No one ever has before so why would she be different? I need to CTB before I make her uncomfortable any more. I know it has to be soon. I know my proof for whether or not she does reciprocate my feelings is split evenly down the middle but maybe all of it is more delusion. Every day when I awaken it feels like I'm being pulled into some new trauma experience and I just want that to stop. I want to know definitively whether or not I should back down but I get that just asking outright might scare her more. She's tough to read but that just gets me more intrigued.

 

[Meteora]

I'm sorry to hear that. Breakups feel like shit, especially if you were with someone you properly connected to. It's good you're venting this out tho, it's better you saying it out than just keeping it in. It's normal to kinda shut down almost after something like that, but it's important to also slowly pick yourself up. You may still hate yourself, but it's better to fight right? Doing hobbies you love is a good distraction and time killer. Even if it only takes your mind off things for a little while, it's better than nothing. Obviously people recover in many different ways but from my personal experience, that worked for me. I'm sorry if it's too personal of a question but did things end on a sour note or was it mutual?

The final step came from him. But we had broken up many times before. This time it feels differently for me. Thank you, yes venting helps a bit. Life was difficult also with my boyfriend, now my depression feels even stronger and hobbies etc. are harder to do.

 

[Average Enthusiast]

The final step came from him. But we had broken up many times before. This time it feels differently for me. Thank you, yes venting helps a bit. Life was difficult also with my boyfriend, now my depression feels even stronger and hobbies etc. are harder to do.

Well like I said before, it's totally normal to feel like shit, or even if that hurt you felt before becoming worse. Do you by chance play any sort of music or even have interest in it? Cuz I found that expressing yourself through music can definitely help. You don't have to be good or anything, just feel it. I was mentally fucked when I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of yrs ago. She messed me up mentally during the relationship and even though I broke it up, I felt even worse. But then I started playing the saxophone. I'm not good at it or anything, but it was definitely a good way to distract myself until I started to recover. I won't sugarcoat it, that hurt will last a while, especially if it's your first relationship. But in the meantime, it's good to start a new hobby, to begin a new journey. (Goddamn that sounds corny but hopefully you get me )

 

[Meteora]

Well like I said before, it's totally normal to feel like shit, or even if that hurt you felt before becoming worse. Do you by chance play any sort of music or even have interest in it? Cuz I found that expressing yourself through music can definitely help. You don't have to be good or anything, just feel it. I was mentally fucked when I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of yrs ago. She messed me up mentally during the relationship and even though I broke it up, I felt even worse. But then I started playing the saxophone. I'm not good at it or anything, but it was definitely a good way to distract myself until I started to recover. I won't sugarcoat it, that hurt will last a while, especially if it's your first relationship. But in the meantime, it's good to start a new hobby, to begin a new journey. (Goddamn that sounds corny but hopefully you get me )

Music helps, yes, I play the guitar but rarely in the last year. I m too depressed, too little energy.
I m sorry you went through this, too. Especially if she was abusive it must have been hell for you. It feels like my last support or source of strenght is gone and now I m drowining in the ocean. It was not my first relationship but the first one I was able to let my partner come close on a emotional level. Without him I wouldnt maybe be here anymore, he helped me through very dark times. And the same for him, he was an alcoholic and smoked pot on a daily basis when we met, now he's sober and at the university since last October.
We went far together and we had dreams.

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly tired all day pain no end

 

[Unhumanly.]

I'm sabotaging myself from my surroundings, knowing right the consequences of this

 

[Average Enthusiast]

Music helps, yes, I play the guitar but rarely in the last year. I m too depressed, too little energy.
I m sorry you went through this, too. Especially if she was abusive it must have been hell for you. It feels like my last support or source of strenght is gone and now I m drowining in the ocean. It was not my first relationship but the first one I was able to let my partner come close on a emotional level. Without him I wouldnt maybe be here anymore, he helped me through very dark times. And the same for him, he was an alcoholic and smoked pot on a daily basis when we met, now he's sober and at the university since last October.
We went far together and we had dreams.

Fuuuuck, I'm sorry. I think the worse part about my previous relationship is that I didn't realise till the end. I went on holidays and realised that what was happening was fucked. I was more of a s*xtoy to her than a boyfriend, and that rlly fucking hurt. Afterwards, yea I felt like I had no energy either, just wanted to stay in bed and watch stuff. Friends weren't a big help either, they simply didn't care. I suppose I could suggest all the standard shit; talk to a parent or go to therapy, but that never worked for me. Instead, have you tried any form of meditation? Ik it sounds stupid but I used to do it and weirdly, kinda worked? Might not be your thing tho. What about reading books? And also, if your body clock is off, try to slowly bring it back to normal. I was consistently awake till 4 and sleeping till 12.30 and eventually I realised how destructive that can be to someone. Hope any of this helps

 

[Meteora]

Fuuuuck, I'm sorry. I think the worse part about my previous relationship is that I didn't realise till the end. I went on holidays and realised that what was happening was fucked. I was more of a s*xtoy to her than a boyfriend, and that rlly fucking hurt. Afterwards, yea I felt like I had no energy either, just wanted to stay in bed and watch stuff. Friends weren't a big help either, they simply didn't care. I suppose I could suggest all the standard shit; talk to a parent or go to therapy, but that never worked for me. Instead, have you tried any form of meditation? Ik it sounds stupid but I used to do it and weirdly, kinda worked? Might not be your thing tho. What about reading books? And also, if your body clock is off, try to slowly bring it back to normal. I was consistently awake till 4 and sleeping till 12.30 and eventually I realised how destructive that can be to someone. Hope any of this helps

yeah I know, you love so much that you cant see certain things..... well, to be fair I have to say, he s autistic. But that doesnt justify every behaviour. Thats what he thinks, I guess. He lets all his frustration out on me. He has no clue how much he hurts me. He knows I m suicidal. Its just so fucked up. The whole world is.
Meditation... well at the moment I feel too much down to concentrate, same with books. I m keeping my sleeping ryhthm luckily. It s so gross your ex used you this way...... guess she had a very low self-esteem and thats why she treated you badly but understanding why doesnt take away the pain, I know.

I ve been hurt so much in my life and still get every day.... I ve lost hope completely and I dont want to get better really anymore. Because the pain will not end. Of course the pain about the relationship will. But in general not. I m fighting a desperate fight with zero allies. It simply impossible. And noone cares or sees it. the least my "parents". They are the source of all problems.
My ex was my only ally. I can be grateful he helped prolonging my life for 3.5 years. Before I met him I was pretty commited to ending my life.

 

[greebo6]

Increasing despair

 

[Average Enthusiast]

yeah I know, you love so much that you cant see certain things..... well, to be fair I have to say, he s autistic. But that doesnt justify every behaviour. Thats what he thinks, I guess. He lets all his frustration out on me. He has no clue how much he hurts me. He knows I m suicidal. Its just so fucked up. The whole world is.
Meditation... well at the moment I feel too much down to concentrate, same with books. I m keeping my sleeping ryhthm luckily. It s so gross your ex used you this way...... guess she had a very low self-esteem and thats why she treated you badly but understanding why doesnt take away the pain, I know.

I ve been hurt so much in my life and still get every day.... I ve lost hope completely and I dont want to get better really anymore. Because the pain will not end. Of course the pain about the relationship will. But in general not. I m fighting a desperate fight with zero allies. It simply impossible. And noone cares or sees it. the least my "parents". They are the source of all problems.
My ex was my only ally. I can be grateful he helped prolonging my life for 3.5 years. When I met him I was pretty commited to ending my life.

Yea that's pretty difficult. Any form of autism is awful. It's also difficult to deal with, but you do seem pretty understanding which tbh, is pretty rare in this world atm. But either way, it doesn't take that pain away. Someone hurting you is still someone hurting you, no matter where it's coming from. Well, it's good you still have a good sleeping rhythm, bcuz sometimes that can be hard to fix. Yea looking back now, I'm pretty lucky i seen the true story behind it. Whenever I didn't want to do anything sexual, it was always met with an annoyed response. I was pretty vulnerable and open with her and she just threw it back into my face whenever there was a dispute. Just a quick question, have you ever thought about travelling? Like, around the world? Because sometimes it is good to get away from your home place, to disassociate with the bad stuff. Even for a little? Idk what age you are so maybe that's not possible. I'm finished secondary school (high school in Ireland) this year and I wanna go to college in a completely different city, on the opposite side of the country. A lot of the bad memories I have are associated with my town, so maybe it's the same with you? Do you have any dreams yourself, ones you wanna accomplish? People say they want to achieve their dreams to make themselves or others proud, but for me anyway, I wanna do it just to say "f*ck you" to life, to the people who messed me up. Doing something out of pure spite can weirdly be the best motivator.

 

[Meteora]

but you do seem pretty understanding which tbh, is pretty rare in this world atm.

I am but it is not enough, obviously.

I was pretty vulnerable and open with her and she just threw it back into my face whenever there was a dispute

That's so so f*ck*d up. I hate that too. Backstabbing, basically.

Just a quick question, have you ever thought about travelling? Like, around the world? Because sometimes it is good to get away from your home place, to disassociate with the bad stuff.

I quiet a bit older than you and I traveled when I was younger. I also lived abroad for three years in total. Unfortunately, my problems were always patiently waiting for me at home. It s ture that it can change ones view. Since 5 years I am so anxious and weak that I feel best at home in my bed. I wouldnt make it t travel alone.

 

[Average Enthusiast]

I am but it is not enough, obviously.

That's so so f*ck*d up. I hate that too. Backstabbing, basically.

I quiet a bit older than you and I traveled when I was younger. I also lived abroad for three years in total. Unfortunately, my problems were always patiently waiting for me at home. It s ture that it can change ones view. Since 5 years I am so anxious and weak that I feel best at home in my bed. I wouldnt make it t travel alone.

Yea it was pretty heartbreaking, but I think I was so dependent on her at the time that I didn't pay attention to it. Recently I've been kinda the same. Don't wanna leave my room. I have school tmro and I'm rlly dreading it. It's okay to hurt, and if I'm being honest, if it weren't for school, I wouldn't rlly have a reason to go anywhere either. Are you two still in contact or just cut things off completely?

 

[acidbit]

Adderall comedown has my mouth stiff and tasting like blood even though there isn't any. Laying in bed waiting for myself to become tired. I need to figure out how to die sooner or later. I'll keep entertaining my unprofitable passions until then

 

[livinginafog]

Like i am stuck in some twisted version of purgatory where on one hand i want to ctb and on the other i cant because it would hurt mi familia and absolutely destroy the love of my life who we will call Cherub i promised Cherub that i would hang on until bagpipe camp during the summer so we can see each other in person little does he know that i am planning on ctbing at the camp so rhen i will get a millitary funeral

 

[acidbit]

I feel like a bad person because I don't give a shit if anyone is heartbroken by my passing

 

[greebo6]

Today....feeling very ugly ( as indeed I sadly am)

 

[doormat25]

I feel too fat/too stupid/not good enough for my friends. I feel broken.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I've been exhausted and mentally damaged,
But I can't slow down - I'm micromanaged.
Rest is what I crave,
But it's found only in the grave.