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TapeMachine

TapeMachine

perpetually confused
Jan 12, 2023
356
This winter hasn't been as bleak as the last one, which should feel like a good thing, right?

So why does it make me so nervous?? I guess it's because I've been watching all of my relationships (family, friends) deteriorate over the span of the past couple of years, and I have no desire to repair them, despite the fact that I have to place my death on hold for an undetermined length of time.

But I feel like such a piece of shit for being absent in the lives of...everyone, absolutely everyone...especially my nieces and nephews and such.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing them a favor. If my brothers' children never have a chance to get to know me, my death will mean nothing to them. Not only do I want my death to be painless for myself, but also for as many people who will go on living once I'm gone. So the farther I distance myself, even from those who do know me, the more acclimated they'll become to the idea of my non-existence...right?

Perhaps that's an incredibly flawed and naive way of thinking, but I don't really know what to do or how to feel.
 
EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

The drip finally stops
Oct 21, 2023
425
I both feel happy yet sad and guilty at the same time. Earlier today, all I could think about was how ugly I am and how much I want to be desired by someone, even if it hurts me.

Right now, I am with my dad and while it's been good so far, before he left to go outside and smoke, he talked about something that had happened recently to him, along with how he was sad about his attempts at starting a family always falling apart. Now I feel both sad and guilty. I'm scared that me ctbing will cause him pain but I'm also scared that me staying alive will also cause him pain. I don't know what to do. Why did I have to be born?

Edit: WHY DID I MAKE THE MISTAKE OF LOOKING AT MY BODY? I FUCKING HATW MY BODY!! NO MATTER WHATE I DO I FUCKING HATE IT!!! I WANT TO SLICE OFF MY TITS!!! I WAMT TO CHOP MYSELF INTO PIECES!!! WHY DO I HABE SUCH AN UGLY BODY AND FACE!!! I FEEL SO REPULSIVE!!! I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF!!!! I WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD!!!! I WAMT TO LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE!!! WHY DID I HAVE TO BE BORN WITH THIS GROSS BODY!!!
 
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Widdershins

Widdershins

Member
Dec 29, 2023
67
So tired all the time. My mask is slipping and people are starting to notice and ask if I'm okay. It's driving me nuts. I'm not actively suicidal at the moment but I'm so sick of people. I wish I could withdraw from society for a while and not have to worry about anything.
 
HereTomorrow

HereTomorrow

eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
47
Kinda stressed, overthinking everything and tired. I talk to friends and think "Oh my God am I talking too much?" or "What if I say something wrong and they don't wanna say anything?". Any social achievement should make me happy but I'm always overthinking and not happy as soon as I am.
 
R

rozeske

Maybe I am the problem
Dec 2, 2023
1,496
Y'll were never to be seen when I needed support, I was screaming all alone like in the middle of a desert with no one to hear or care. but now that it's all too late I couldn't get y'll off my back like a colony of bees. What a group of sad superficial pretenders y'll are!
 
4everDone

4everDone

death is freedom
Feb 2, 2024
100
Just empty. I wish making friends wasn't such a hassle. I can get along with people easily, but I often let my demons speak for me which pushes everyone away. I also can't see myself being a fluffy little pet because I find people who push this narrative very annoying. That feeling when you don't belong anywhere, but at the same time you understand everyone. This freedom of choices makes me drunk and I love it (I hate it).
 
trashhologram

trashhologram

⚰ Baby, let me decompose ⚰
Dec 15, 2023
309
I feel just MEH. Been like this for days. I'm not feeling bad but not good eeither, just meh. I do want to do something nice like scrapbooking but it's hard to start. Yesterday it took me like 12 hours to do something else than be on my phone. Maybe I'll pop one more happy pill and see if I'll feel less meh. And luckily I have work tomorrow evening. That will cheer me up for sure if my client is nice. Aw crap, I need to shower today. I know I'll feel so much better after the shower but getting in is hard. And my face is very dry. More dry than usually. I blame this cucumber oil peel off face mask I tried on Friday evening. On Saturday my face was red AF. And now it's extremely dry. I need to scrub it well and basically drown myself in lotion. I hope I won't look like this tomorrow, I need to look good! 😭😭
 
EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

The drip finally stops
Oct 21, 2023
425
Today I learned that my grandfather actually cheated on my grandmother with what seems to have been multiple women in the past. It sucks because I used to think of their relationship as being the most stable one I've been around growing up but I guess that was a lie. The worst part is that apart of me wasn't even suprised. I always had this small part of me that had doubts about their relationship being as good as I thought it was but I always suppressed it.

My dad's childhood and adolescent years and his relationship with his parents was more dysfunctional than I realized (albeit, not as dysfunctional as my mom's side if the family).

I also found out more about my mom cheating on my dad in the past and she seems to have been pretty toxic. I wonder if she lied about my dad cheating on her, along with him being abusive towards her...

Being an adult is weird since it means that my parents view me as old enough to know about all these fucked up things going on within our family. I feel conflicted about this. On one hand, I like being able to finally find out about these things and finally piece together the reality of those around me. On the otherhand, it makes me feel cynical about life. Whenever I see a happy couple my first instinct is to question if they even are a happy couple or if it's just a facade.

It doesn't matter. Nothing really matters. Actual good solid relationships are rare. Couples are usually either toxic, abusive, or one or both patries are cheating on each other or all of the above. Most famillies are dysfunctional with parents viewing and treating their children as property rather than human-beings and most friendships are toxic and/or nearly always fade away over time.

I'm not going to act as though I am better than my dad, mom, grandfather, or ex-stepmother, because I'm not. I'm a shitty person too. It's just a lot, you know. Learning about the darker aspects of your family that have been kept from you for most of yoir life is a lot. Sorry for the vent.
 
cgrtt.brns

cgrtt.brns

wandering ghost (he/him)
Apr 19, 2023
780
feeling trapped. i used to feel like i could ctb at any time to finally escape. but now a family member has been given months to live, i feel like im trapped until my parents go. this family member is my dads only remaining blood relative, aside from me and my sibling, and hes definitely struggling with this. he said if it wasnt for us (my sibling, mum and i), after this family member passes he would be all alone. i now feel like i cant ctb for a long time and its rly fucked me up. ive lost that sense of comfort that i could leave when i needed and now i dont know what im going to do. i know technically i could still leave when i want to, but i feel horrible thinking about how another death would affect my dad. i seem to be the only one he can talk to about difficult subjects bc we both share some similar mental health problems. he seems to have an image of my future and talks about us doing things together once he retires, but any time i think about the future i just want to die. i dont know what to do. i just feel like crying. i wish i was never born. im just so fucking sad, ive started drinking more to cope but my mums catching on and i fear she'll take that away from me too. i also have to stop smoking bc of why my family member has been given months to live, my dad wants me to stop, but its one of the only things keeping me going at this point. but i have to stop bc i rely on him for money, i cant use his money to keep smoking if he wants me to quit. and i cant get a job bc im fucking useless. i cant fucking do this. knowing i have to keep going makes me feel fucking sick. i just want to fall asleep forever. i want to run away. why was i ever born.
 
Unsure and Useless

Unsure and Useless

Drifting Aimlessly without Roots
Feb 7, 2023
253
I just finished speed rushing my architecture assignment. It's probably ass since I rushed near the end, but hey, a grade is better than no grade, right? My heart is racing, and my hands are shaking. I definitely can't sleep, and I can't allow myself to cry right now. I NEVER want to do this again, but there's way too much work to keep track of everything and turning them in on time. Praying the TA is merciful because, if not, my mental state is going to go from bad to worse so fast. I still have 10 more assignments to go :')))))))))

Lewis Finch seems mad relatable right now.
 
ThymeToLeave

ThymeToLeave

Adventurer
Dec 12, 2023
114
Stupid. I've been drinking a lot lately. Drinking to excess always makes me feel like shit the next day. Yesterday I drank to excess and today I was just sitting here watching TV and my heart started beating out of my chest. I felt like something was really wrong and went to urgent care. As far as they can tell I'm fine but I feel like an idiot because I know drinking does this to me. As always I'm swearing off drinking but at some point I'm going to forget this feeling and go back to it.
 
K

Kit1

Warlock
Oct 24, 2023
779
Exhausted. Partly dissociated - and worried about this isngoing to turn out. Just want to be dead. Need to keep alive. Another day in paradise - being sarcastic as it just feels like I keep going round this roundabout without an exit sign. Grateful as I can hear the birds outside, see the squirrels playing and grateful for the freedom and positivity that people I love have. Really sad thinking of so many people suffering where entire nations can be filled with the suffering, the taunted and haunted, with hunger for food/love/safety/security and much more and where if all those who are suffering cried as one - the planet will not be able toncope and feeling absolutely helpless that I cannot do anything to help those who need the help and feeling selfish that I have somenof what other people yearn for and I still want to die. Typing this makes me realise how fake I am.
 
TFPF

TFPF

Live easy, quit easy
Feb 24, 2023
136
I want to leave my current place, change my name, leaving behind some people, and finally do something and never giving anyone a notice about it

This isn't the first time this happen to me
I don't know how many places to places to move out again
when will I mess up for the last time
 

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