Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Dr Iron Arc]

I was so determined to start my plans to CTB yesterday but now I am far less so just because I had a mildly pleasant conversation with the person of my interest at work today. Even though I didn't ask her out (no way am I gonna do something that scary), any interaction with her where she doesn't seem upset at me is a win in my deluded male ego's mind.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i just hit my head a bunch hopefully something will kill me


and my exhus "i do a lot for you"
"im well aware of everything you do for me"

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel miserable, so much so to the point that I just impulsively walked to washroom, got out my rope (I've been hiding it in my bag), tied it to the stall hook, and "attempted" to hang myself. I put attempted in quotation marks becauses I knew I wasn't really going to go through with it (not that it would have matter since I'm still having trouble putting enough pressure on to my cartoid artery and getting over my SI).

For one, I don't want to die at my school. I fucking hate this place.

Two, I also don't want to risk potentially traumatizing innocent students and staff members.

And three, I've also decided to wait a bit before actually attempting again. Some stuff came up and as a result I don't want to do it just yet.

Sometimes I feel whiny and spoiled thinking this, but why did I have to be born? I hate existing. I love my parents and I understand that they did their best to raise me but part of me hates them for bringing me into this world. I don't enjoy being alive. I find it to be awful. All the little joys of life aren't enough to cancel out the feelings of misery of I have towards it.

I've also been feeling guilty as of late, due to me having not yet told my mom about my suspension. I've been going as far as to still go school to keep up this lie. I hate it but I'm terrified that if I were to tell her that she'd snap, lash out at me, and kick me out of the apartment.

I've been having thoughts about running away since around grades 7 and 8 and they've been popping up a lot more lately.

 

[Kit1]

Just want to die without regrets - which is impossible.

 

[Circles]

I keep having a reoccurring dream where I'm on a barren rocky island with a lot of people I've never met or seen my entire life. I've had the same dream but it's at different times of the day and different circumstances happen in each dream, but the island stays the same. I'm afraid this is what purgatory is for suicidal people. You become stuck in limbo as a lost soul with no where to go. But even knowing if this will happen I honestly don't care. Whatever happens, happens.

 

[Krobo]

Annoyed to say that the delay involving financial matters has had me procrastinating. Only halfway through cleaning up. No opportunities to do the needful during the weekend, so probably next week.

To allow me to remember what I need to in case I survive without allowing access to others, I've encrypted my data instead of wiping it. Doing an entire hard drive takes a few days, so you want to be prepared for that if you choose that route.

 

[Catcrazygirl]

Anxious, my heart is beating fast. I feel there is nothing for me purely. I am worried that I have deceived others around me and the punishment for it.

 

[EyeWish...]

Feeling pretty neutral, just woke up. Wondering why I'm replying to any of these threads when I know no one will give a shit. I find it kinda funny.

 

[amyrel]

I feel tired. I wish I could just sleep all day and escape from the hardships of life in my comfortable bed. Upholding relationships is exhausting, talking is exhausting, just being alive is exhausting. I need a break from it all.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I just feel like a nuisance everywhere I go. Like people are burdened simply by the fact I exist. Like I'm invisible, or just not wanted.

I don't know why. I'll never know. I just know that I don't matter and never have.

I could share my pain in a public space like this or confide in someone and simply be discarded like trash. Others will talk about similar things and be heard. I've literally watched it happen - not just here, but on other sites and in person. It's as if there's something about me specifically that makes me a lesser human being and it doesn't matter what I do, the outcome is always the same.

(Edit: Sorry, to clarify, I'm not in any way suggesting that others shouldn't be supported. Realised it sounded as if I want to take help away from others and feel bitter towards those who receive support - that's not that I'm trying to say at all.

One example of the aforementioned point is at a previous support group I attended approximately a year ago. I opened up for once and people were dismissive and flippant. Another attendee opened up about similar difficulties shortly afterwards and people rallied to support her.

This is a recurring theme. I'm genuinely glad others get that, but people frequently shrug me off, assume I'll pull through or quite simply don't care. It's very alienating and hurtful. I just want to feel like I fucking matter too.)

Same goes for friendships. People only care when I have something to give and am useful but the moment my health falls apart and I need some love and support myself, it's like I don't exist anymore. The last attempt I made to make friends in person ended in me getting sexually assaulted and then abandoned by everyone I knew like a used up toy.

As an actual person and human being, I'm just worthless. Being ill and traumatised has messed me up enough. Being consistently tossed aside like trash by services and support systems is just the nail in the coffin. I'm done. I'll die and be forgotten within days, like the mistake I always was.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Conflicted, as usual. I'm starting to have second thoughts about my CTB but this is likely just more of my survival instinct or my self loathing trying to prolong and maximize my suffering.

I recently came across a tweet that goes something like this:


I realize that I have done this with at least three women and now potentially a fourth one all throughout my life. It's incredible just how awful I've been for subjecting them to my feelings and now thanks to this tweet I know more the negative impact I've left on these womens' lives. Posts like these are great reasons for why I and many others like me NEED to die as soon as possible and we can't wait until old age takes us because by then it will be too late and countless innocent victims will be traumatized. I'm not even being the slightest bit sarcastic here. I genuinely think this is what I mean when I say I have committed evil (although it's also been so much more than this). I truly believe I don't deserve love and happiness precisely because my idea of love and happiness is just going to inevitably lead to the suffering of the very same individuals I care so much about. It sucks, but it really emphasizes exactly why I should be dead. I don't care how nice I seem to others just because I've directed all my hate inward. Self loathing shouldn't be the only crutch I have and it certainly isn't enough to make me a good person especially not when I'm so sick of all the Rhetoric demanding that I absolutely have to love myself in order to function. If that's really meant to be a requirement then life really just isn't worth living.

 

[snowlance]

What do I even do anymore theres nothing I can hold onto anymore nothing at all nothing

 

[greebo6]

Lonely. So very lonely . I just want to be hugged and hold someone....

 

[migimortis]

Reuthry is dead. It's too late to say goodbye. Reuthry is dead. It's too late to say goodbye. Reuthry is dead. It's too late to say goodbye. Reuthry is dead. It's too late to say goodbye. Reuthry is dead. It's too late to say goodbye. Reuthry is dead. It's too late to say goodbye. Reuthry is dead. It's too late to say goodbye. Reuthry is dead. It's too late to say goodbye. Reuthry is dead. It's too late to say goodbye. Reuthry is dead. It's too late to say goodbye. Reuthry is dead. It's too late to say goodbye. Reuthry is dead. It's too late to say goodbye.

 

[sleepingintherain]

i dont want to be a man anymore
i want the people i love to accept that and that dying is my best option and support me
instead of forcing me to live as something disgusting

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Awake again for another night.
Life is so horrible.
Even if I post happy songs in the music threads, I'm not happy at all.
I just wanna hold someone. I don't need sex.
I'm hoping this year is my last.
Sooner rather than later.
This is all pointless meaningless SHIT !!!!

 

[Banan321]

tired and lonely

 

[cryone]

im so out of it. blasting music is really my only escape. i feel overwhelmed with everything everyday. life is just moving too fast for me. i feel so useless and so ugly.

 

[Krobo]

Body is continuing to break down. Crack developed in molar. Joint is fucked.

Needs to stop. I have to continue my preparations

 

[Kit1]

Pain. In every way possible.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Why am I a creep ???? I'm even shunned by dudes.
I guess I'm not the most manly guy but I'm not going to hit on anyone.
I just want some irl friends. I know I want to die but it would be cool to have some friends before I go.
Why can't people be happy to see me as I am to see them ????
It has been like this my entire life.
Why am I on life's shitlist ???? This has to be the year I CTB !!!!

 

[rozeske]

Am i logical to postpone it one more day or is this my SI screwing with my head yet again

 

[LifeTransit_1]

Physician pain, Tiredness, trauma.
I just got woken up by an amber alert

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Am i logical to postpone it one more day or is this my SI screwing with my head yet again

I selfishly think it's ok. Especially if you aren't ready. I would miss you, even though we don't pm.

 

[Morpho]

I feel worthless

 

[rozeske]

I selfishly think it's ok. Especially if you aren't ready. I would miss you, even though we don't pm.

Oh am so far past ready for my rest. I will miss you too

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Well. I think I might have caught Covid for the second time. It's been real everyone. Here's to another two years of brain fog assuming I don't CTB before then.

 

[TapeMachine]

This winter hasn't been as bleak as the last one, which should feel like a good thing, right?

So why does it make me so nervous?? I guess it's because I've been watching all of my relationships (family, friends) deteriorate over the span of the past couple of years, and I have no desire to repair them, despite the fact that I have to place my death on hold for an undetermined length of time.

But I feel like such a piece of shit for being absent in the lives of...everyone, absolutely everyone...especially my nieces and nephews and such.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing them a favor. If my brothers' children never have a chance to get to know me, my death will mean nothing to them. Not only do I want my death to be painless for myself, but also for as many people who will go on living once I'm gone. So the farther I distance myself, even from those who do know me, the more acclimated they'll become to the idea of my non-existence...right?

Perhaps that's an incredibly flawed and naive way of thinking, but I don't really know what to do or how to feel.

 

[Rapière]

I feel like I have to apologize for my existemce. It's unbearable how worthless I am.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I both feel happy yet sad and guilty at the same time. Earlier today, all I could think about was how ugly I am and how much I want to be desired by someone, even if it hurts me.

Right now, I am with my dad and while it's been good so far, before he left to go outside and smoke, he talked about something that had happened recently to him, along with how he was sad about his attempts at starting a family always falling apart. Now I feel both sad and guilty. I'm scared that me ctbing will cause him pain but I'm also scared that me staying alive will also cause him pain. I don't know what to do. Why did I have to be born?

Edit: WHY DID I MAKE THE MISTAKE OF LOOKING AT MY BODY? I FUCKING HATW MY BODY!! NO MATTER WHATE I DO I FUCKING HATE IT!!! I WANT TO SLICE OFF MY TITS!!! I WAMT TO CHOP MYSELF INTO PIECES!!! WHY DO I HABE SUCH AN UGLY BODY AND FACE!!! I FEEL SO REPULSIVE!!! I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF!!!! I WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD!!!! I WAMT TO LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE!!! WHY DID I HAVE TO BE BORN WITH THIS GROSS BODY!!!