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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
18,090
39 days left. I so badly want to die but I've procrastinated way too much and am nowhere near prepared physically even though mentally I just want to end it all so badly. I'm so fucking sick of everyone telling me I just need to love myself or some bs like that just to feel better. Why the hell should I have any amount of empathy or care for the person who's caused me the most suffering and misery? Tell me why I should be forced to forgive my worst enemy? Just because that person happens to be myself doesn't mean that selfish asshole is entitled to forgiveness.

I even promised myself I wouldn't make my heart vulnerable to catching feelings again but of course my stupid self had to start suffering that disgustingly familiar elevated heart rate from another girl from my work YET AGAIN. I can't do this. Did that bastard not learn from the last time? It was over eight years ago and it still hurts so goddamn much. Most of my 20s were wasted obsessing over her and the end of my 20s were washed away obsessing over a different person who really REALLY got my hopes up and right now I have even less of a chance with this woman than that one. Those women were right to leave me. I feel like Yuri from Doki Doki Literature Club. Thinking about the state this poor innocent and unknowing female has left my emotions in makes me genuinely want to stab myself even though I always hated that as a method. I don't just not have balls to approach her, I am genuinely afraid her life would be ruined just by being more familiar with me.

It's the same shit, different toilet. I have to kill myself to save her, and to save myself from this agony. I won't because I'm a fucking coward and I haven't made the proper preparations but oh well.
 
suffocatingseraphim

suffocatingseraphim

⸙𖦹killing the self as to protect it from harm𖦹⸙
Feb 6, 2020
105
Surprisingly good? Albeit overwhelmed, I have a lot to do today with moving furniture and trash down a bunch of stairs, finishing an art commission I've taken way too long on, but I plan on painting with my partner and hanging out. Hopefully no conflicts insue. Just listening to Fox Academy rn
 
Krobo

Krobo

Member
Feb 5, 2023
38
Turns out you can cook pasta in the microwave instead of the stove, and it tastes the same. Considering that microwaveable pasta exists, this should have been obvious, but it still feels like a revelation.

Doesn't matter how much I try to take care of my teeth. Pointless since I throw up in my mouth at night anyway. Filling coming loose.

Finishing up what in-game events I can in the mobile games I'm playing. Still a sizeable backlog of content that I'll never get through, but whatever. Threw another $50 at loot boxes on a whim, got lucky. The UR's off-meta and redundant, but whatever. No fucks to give. Spending money is another form of self-destruction, in a way.

Need to remind myself: GHB with alcohol is your backup plan should the N fail. Can't forget. Reminding myself in case I wake up with brain damage will be an interesting problem, especially if I start wiping data.

Need to find the lint roller

My secrets die with me. Thought about sharing them

Less than one week
Fucking hell, my body is oily
 
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CoRaven

CoRaven

New Member
Jan 15, 2024
2
I'm feeling alot right now, while at the same time practically feeling little to nothing at all. If that makes sense. I woke up in a breakdown from a nightmare linked to my sexual assault trauma about an hour ago. I feel like I don't belong anywhere, with anyone. I've considered running away because i feel like my family and everyone is better off if I'm gone. My mom doesn't want to lose me, which I understand, but i don't get why she still cares so much for me after all the stress I've put her through.
 
P

Pigeonleaderboard44

Member
Jan 18, 2024
5
I feel lost and scared, and less dread. I just dropped all the classes I was gonna do this semester. Meaning no financial aid. I really needed that money because I was gonna save it towards my appearance, new shoes, hair done, get more clothes. Bills, and rent. But now it's all gone. Now I have to actually figure out how to make more money while I'm off of school. So more job hunting it is. College made me take multiple attempts on my life. Because education was all I felt gave me purpose. Now without that I don't know who I am. No, maybe moreso what I'm worth. I feel like a penny, not worth much by itself. I don't know if this will help or lead me to try and end it all for good. But since I'm here I should just see what it's like to not be annually suicidal.
 
K

Kit1

Warlock
Oct 24, 2023
779
I feel so alone - I have been having flashbacks most of the day and it is distressing. Second year death anniversary ofnone of the abusers/paedophile in coming up in less than two weeks and I feel physically sick just thinking about it and wonder whether I will be around to see February - I hope that I manage tonstay alive. Just feel like that little girl who was alone, defenceless and was exploited/raped and abused in so many ways - a helplessness and innocence, inability to speak, to comprehend - that scared little girl completely alone and suddenly feels.like I cannot shake any of it off and wish she had died then - they might all have just killed her off.
 
not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Archangel
Mar 23, 2018
7,463
ANGER !!!! 😡😡😡😡😡
Pissed that I'm still alive. Can't sleep. (I did sleep well last night, so I must be paying for it tonight)
I long for the day I'm not alive anymore.
Working is horrible !!!! Makes me want to CTB even more. This is all pointless.
So sick of the prolife agenda forcing people to stay alive at all costs. Taking away any more peaceful means of dying. Another actor CTB a few days ago .... Gunshot to the chest. Still the most popular way to end ones life... At least in the US.
I think the world would be a better place if people had the right to choose whenever they want to die.
Also not be shamed to feeling guilty about their own decision.
It's only going to get worse. Low paying jobs while the rich buy more yachts and shoot rockets into space.
I wish people could be spayed !!!! Or at least not be able to bring more lifeforms (wageslaves) into the world until proven worthy.
The planet is at a breaking point... And people are still reproducing like it's not going to end.
😡😡😡😡😡😡
I was one of the unlucky ones who survived covid. Thought it was my ticket out of this misery.
Still f**king here !!!! 😡😡😡😡😡
There wasn't anything I would have missed by not being born. Not enough to make up for all the misery I have gone through !!!!!! 😡😡😡😡😡😡
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
18,090
Hate it when people, usually therapist types, tell me I'm supposed to just sit with my negative emotions. The fuck you mean that's supposed to help? Like how is my overthinking-ass going to benefit any bit from stewing in this boiling pot of awfulness that living inevitably creates for me? I genuinely don't understand how not avoiding my awful emotions is going to help me in any way at all. I'll never be any less of a fuckup just because I'm forced to experience all of the anger, shame, and misery I constantly feel.

Had a chance to move things ahead today and I didn't! Because I'm a stupid idiot coward. A pathetic incel garbage human being. I don't even want to type in complete sentences. All I had to do was not be myself!
 
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SignSeeker

SignSeeker

Member
Nov 30, 2023
11
I'm feeling so lonely. My heart aches. Few weeks ago I thought I was going to kms, but somehow I felt better for a week and I thought that maybe there is a chance to continue living after all. But it seems that now I'm getting a reality check. The feelings of loneliness and emptiness are back and I don't know how to deal with them. I wish I had a close relationship with someone, so I'll feel less alone and help me fill the void, but I don't see it happening in reality.
I'm slowly drowning.
 
W

Whistea

Member
Jul 29, 2022
75
I slept really well and long, which is rare, so at least I'm starting the day off a bit more positively than usual.
Today's biggest "Should I?" is probably a job interview I have. I don't even want to go back to being a wageslave, but when I am exceptionally bored, I apply to some places and when they invite me over, I just don't show up lmao. I'd rather live off welfare than having to work long hours in an unfulfilling job, deal with rude customers and bully supervisors, just to get an insulting salary for it. I don't have any slave DNA in me. So this should be an open and shut case, especially since the place that invited me over is two hours away. Two hours on a bus to get there, an interview, two hours to get back, -25€ in my wallet, for a job I don't even want. Why am I thinking about going there at all, then? It's in another city. I thought maybe if I can get away from this shithole I'm currently in, things could be better for me. A change of scenery so to speak.
But writing this down and reflecting on it once more, I realize that's a whole lot of "maybe", "if" and "could" for a guaranteed pain in the ass. So yeah, fuck it.
 
LastLoveLetter

LastLoveLetter

Persephone
Mar 28, 2021
661
A recurring theme for me recently is how much I yearn for safe human contact. Looking back over my life, I realise that truly genuine, unconditional, safe touch was incredibly rare.

Family members weren't safe because they would hurt my body and violate it. Previous partners weren't often safe because any touch given came with an ulterior motive. It wasn't affection for the sake of it, but rather transactional and with an agenda. Most of my sexual and romantic experiences have been abusive, rather than loving and enjoyable.

Only one person was an exception to an extent, but this was tainted by early incidents with them that were traumatic and abusive. No-one has been completely safe - fear and defensiveness were always present, it was impossible to ever feel truly secure.

I'd love to be kissed and hugged and held without being afraid, to be protected instead of preyed upon for once.

I feel starved of true, loving intimacy. I'm an affectionate person by nature, despite my history of abuse. I'd love to hold someone and be held.

Being chronically ill and mostly housebound, it feels so far beyond my grasp. And even if I could find someone, how can I ever trust them not to violate me and hurt me?

I feel so starved of real connection and gentle touch, but I would love to experience these things. It wouldn't save me from my own ailing body, but it would be like a balm to soothe my soul. Just for a little while.
 
wildbluekiss

wildbluekiss

witch of the eastern wonderland
Jan 22, 2024
52
i'm dealing with lots of physical illness right now. while my mental condition is already beyond help, these ones... are just... too much.
now, it's not like it's worth it to fight 'em all anyways. i'm actually taking it in easier every day goes by!
i feel more and more relaxed, just like now, typing these words lightheartedly.
i'm actually so tired... so i decided not to think and not to feel anymore.
my life is like a fleeting feather, i can even sleep to that pain in my chest.
so i will take it easy. yes, easy... easier. i will take it easy.
 
not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Archangel
Mar 23, 2018
7,463
So tired !!!!

Just want to sleep. I don't want to ruin my sleep for tonight. I'm barely awake. Trying to keep my eyes open.
Just want to fall asleep forever. 😴
 
Krobo

Krobo

Member
Feb 5, 2023
38
Mildly annoyed. Slacking on my preparations was a bad idea. Selling things off is taking a bit longer than I'd anticipated. It's not so bad once you've become detached from it all, though. Will clean up the things that need cleaning up in the meantime.

Maybe Thursday?
 
rhaenyra

rhaenyra

Global Mod
Sep 18, 2018
1,332
used like a fucking doormat.

disgusting. hideous. ugly. pathetic, worthless, and broken.

a deep sense of self-hatred that runs through my veins and a growing desire to be left alone until i CTB because fuck everyone.
 
heroinhero

heroinhero

Member
Jan 23, 2024
17
Im not addicted to heroin im addicted to turning off my brain and not feeling alone. I generally only use dope once a week and have never experienced withdrawl but everyone says "this is how it starts" or some shit but I don't need heroin as long as i got something. Theres almost always been something like that for me but heroin is the best way to achieve that, but before that it was cutting, other drugs, or maybe just turning on some music. Hell even when i was a kid i was sniffing markers and trying to get weed. In fact the sniffing markers habit never stopped, when i get flashbacks that helps calm me down alot.
When you're not alone its easier to stop completely/use in moderation (for example rat park, or the 20% of vietnam veterans who were using dope and came home competely clean and most of them not even experiencing withdrawls). The opiod epidemic is just a byproduct of the loneliness epidemic and shitty doctors, and is exacerbated by things like mental illness, abuse, bigotry, poverty, etc.
Think im gonna do some amphetamines now, hope yall are having a great night -_-
 

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