Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Mx_Pathetic]

I honestly can't say a word that explains how I'm feeling rn. I'm just here- I could best describe it as the feeling of being one of the only people awake in the region. It's almost like being the only one alive on earth. I have no reason to continue living, no meaning to be alive, no job, no schooling, no one to talk to, nothing to do at all. I just stair at my celling or outside my window at the stars and wonder when it'll all be over. I don't have a planned date but I know I wish to CBT by my own hands. I'm not feeling anything ATM but I'm not numb either, it's like I'm at peace that I could be gone at any second. I wonder...

 

[SatouR]

Tired
Unmotivated
Sad
Scared

 

[Seaghost]

Feeling emptied

Love - oneway - seems so.
Looking through armored glass to the one I love. She'se looking to another guy whos at her side since a few days - FUCK.

Thought I was "cured" of this place but in times like these it's good to come back and rest
I don't want to ctb for a long time now but I like to spot the bus. Just to be safe.
Should I be proud? Life's not easy and it can be empty many times.
Need a shoulder to lean on.
Need a human to lean on
Need a human to caress
Need a human to love

Should go into bed. Its already 5:31AM here in germany.
Rain would be nice and thunder and lightning and...no heartache...and rain

 

[SirCalvinXIV]

Tired, dizzy, a tad bit of wanderlust

 

[pole]

numb.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

a failure. i had a panic attack today bc of how i cant get a job. im gonna be relying on my parents until they die. the only way for me to prevent that is to die before them. there is no other way. no matter what i do i am going to have to kill myself eventually, when the thought of me being a burden on my parents becomes even harder to bare than it already is. i have to die. im just a waste of resources. im a waste of money and time and space. im a burden. im an unnecessary financial waste. i should never have been born.

 

[CTB Dream]

No rsn stay awfl life all time move make worse no thing able do all rsrc money etc wat do v awfl life, injury damage need leave awfl life nonsense life

 

[Anonymoususer1234]

Bad about myself. Not strong enough for the shit life keeps throwing at me. I'm only treading water.

 

[Mord.]

Idk, just feeling alone and i'm not sure what to do, keep trying or just give up on eveyrthing and ctb. I'm just getting tired of having hope

 

[CTB Dream]

Feel awfl ,injury damage ruin me ruin all no have slf no have any , body brain no match all awfl, fake slf fake life no want stay

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Sadness

Not just about myself, sad for the members we have lost. It's weird because I want to die too.
I didn't get to say goodbye to some of them.
Unnormal9 ... I hope you are at peace now. Sorry to hear that you left.
So many others since I've been here. Wishing I could be as strong as everyone who has passed.
I hope someday I can give all of you a huge hug.
If by some miracle happens and I don't want to CTB, I will still be a member.
(Most) Everyone has been so kind here. I see no reason to argue with someone else on here who is suicidal also.
It doesn't accomplish anything. We are all in pain.
That is all I have to say for now.
Hugs to everyone.

 

[canaryblue]

I feel like choking on a big furball in my throat and I can't throw it up for the life of me.

 

[charlotte_]

Very damn horrible, that's all I could say. Wish there's a way so that I could never have to hear these noises again.

 

[Babrixka]

exhausted. I'm so tired of my feelings being manipulated by the people around me. I wish I could just be

 

[leaf23]

Annoying. Anxiety max level screaming again. Jumping at every little thing when the strongest thing I've taken so far is caffeine from 2 tbsps of instant coffee. Calm down, mind. If you don't pace yourself, you're going to end up exhausted before long.

 

[unrest]

trapped. so trapped. everything in every aspect of my life right now is out of my control. i can sleep, but have nowhere else to call home. having to wait for things to happen. im just done.

 

[ngossia]

feeling sleepy . anxious for the test i have in about 4 hours. I have to meet a teacher after the test and see the answer scripts of my previous test. I am worried about that too. The temperature is a bitch and its not even afternoon. Wish i was curled up in the lap of my grandmother right now who lives in another place. I should have woken up later because i am just wasting time now listening to songs and browsing SaSu. Anyways I have more to say but that should do it.

 

[voc_89]

dread

 

[Sleepycat]

Like this shit never changes. Impulse control issues when I fail to cope and end up mauling half my face at work.. where people can see. Not even fully aware that there's people around. Like they're there but not really. Nothing's really real but I'm still here. Frustrated and angry with myself that I'm too much of a coward all my life to simply have finished it years ago.
Pretty sure I punched myself Infront of someone.
I was moving to finish the assignment I was given, with being irritated at my inability to flow with the routine changes, I did what I do.
Haven't seen him since... Now anxious, edgy, wishing I'd stayed home today.
Trying to get the house ready to sell and move my stuff into storage so me and my cats can live in my car since we can't afford, mentally or monetarily, to stay in a house or apartment. According to my family it's cuz I need to grow up and stick to a career... Yeah cuz that's worked out soo fucking well everytime I've tried.. like I don't know how much stress that could take off me if I could make that work for me. "Well try harder" "suck it up" "grow up" "get over yourself". Blah blah blah
Cuz I don't wake up everyday wishing I didn't wake up or could make myself not wake up. Even if I didn't have to work I'd feel the same and maybe they don't get that either. I don't know.. Damn cats needing to be fed. Damn emotional attachment/dependence on the fluff monsters. Funny how it's the cats and not the family that seems to make me feel bad for the idea of leaving them behind.

 

[Lullaby]

Does anyone get tired of masking?

Waking up to another day of the same stuff, and I'm just exhausted. I feel defeated and dead.

I have to drag myself out of bed to go to the pharmacy, and part of me doesn't want to because I know I can't mask. At the same time, I'm thinking why does it even matter.

I'm so sick of pretending that I'm okay, when I'm obviously not…so today, this week, or whatever everyone around me can deal with my negative ball of energy because I'm tired of considering everyone else's feelings and not my own. Especially when no one in my life seems to care how I'm doing anyways.

 

[Nights]

Feeling like i want to do something, like anything, can't define what i feel better than that

 

[leaf23]

I feel awful. Some people continually hurt other people even when they know, they KNOW they're hurting them, just callously trampling on others' rights. They know they're hurting them, they know It's immoral, they know it's effing ILLEGAL.

I never wanted to be a person who wished ill on others but ffs.. this anger and frustration is making me wish (uselessly I might add) that karma would catch up to them.

 

[CTB Dream]

V awfl lose all lose slf not know wat even say

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So tired.
Life is so unnecessary. Just want to sleep forever. I always do the wrong thing. I hate it here.
I love my parents but I can't take it anymore. If I had no family, I would be long gone. I don't care what the prolifers think, it's my life NOT theirs.
I pray I don't wake up. Every morning I wake up I dread the day. Please make it stop.

 

[bastard]

tired, stressing about my crush snapping be back, and empty. probably abt too start crying soon

 

[ipomoeaalba]

drained as fuck. got stoned + trying to watch a movie to distract myself but theres just no possible way to get my mind off the shit making me want to ctb

 

[Zegers]

Frustration. Like a bystander having control over anything.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

ive been up and down so much today im so tired. i had a psychiatrist appointment today and got a diagnosis for adhd. its annoying i didnt know this sooner. when i told my mum she just said "oh for gods sake not another one" as in not another diagnosis, ive been diagnosed with three different things now in the last year. im so exhausted. its getting hotter and i want to rip my skin off. i havent showered in months but i just dont have the energy. i have to go out in a couple of days and im so scared bc i havent been out in months. i know itll be good for me to get out of my room but the thought of having to shower and prepare myself to go out is just exhausting. i dont even do anything all day but im so fucking tired. what the fuck is wrong with me. why am i so tired all the time. i hate being awake. i just want to sleep forever.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Forever Gone I want to be forever gone,
I don't really want to live another second,
Just let me be forever gone.

 

[voc_89]

Does anyone get tired of masking?

Waking up to another day of the same stuff, and I'm just exhausted. I feel defeated and dead.

I have to drag myself out of bed to go to the pharmacy, and part of me doesn't want to because I know I can't mask. At the same time, I'm thinking why does it even matter.

I'm so sick of pretending that I'm okay, when I'm obviously not…so today, this week, or whatever everyone around me can deal with my negative ball of energy because I'm tired of considering everyone else's feelings and not my own. Especially when no one in my life seems to care how I'm doing anyways.

when I'm tired of masking I disappear for a few days. Turn of my phone. Etc. Usually I time it for weekends (so I don't get fired) and mix in 1 or 2 sick days or business days if i need extra time. That helps me get my shit together enough to be able to put back on the mask. It is tiring though

ive been up and down so much today im so tired. i had a psychiatrist appointment today and got a diagnosis for adhd. its annoying i didnt know this sooner. when i told my mum she just said "oh for gods sake not another one" as in not another diagnosis, ive been diagnosed with three different things now in the last year. im so exhausted. its getting hotter and i want to rip my skin off. i havent showered in months but i just dont have the energy. i have to go out in a couple of days and im so scared bc i havent been out in months. i know itll be good for me to get out of my room but the thought of having to shower and prepare myself to go out is just exhausting. i dont even do anything all day but im so fucking tired. what the fuck is wrong with me. why am i so tired all the time. i hate being awake. i just want to sleep forever.

the pandemic's only silver lining was that. That we could hole up in our rooms for weeks on end (weeks as well gotta groceries only last for so long). I personally never got myself diagnosed (my country frowns upon mental health meanwhile CTB rates increase every month... and they wonder why) but I have read that, in some cases, it could take some back and forth or multiple tests to in fact determine what you may have. Sorry to hear that you have to go through this.