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didn't-it-rain

Member
Nov 5, 2022
47
I keep drowning in regrets and anxiety, and I've again lost my will to live. Honestly whenever I hear about someone dying prematurely, I get insanely jealous. But I was just prescribed lithium and maybe this'll decrease my suicidality for a time? Not that I think that'll suddenly make me appreciate living but being suicidal 24/7 is exhausting, y'know? But I don't see much hope of that and so more than anything I just want to die. I hate the person I am more than anything. Take away the regrets and the anxiety and what's left is the same incompetent mess, there's just no hope for me, really - in anything.
And even now why do I still feel so wary about acquiring resources, when doing so is so easy? Survival instinct or procrastination? The irony - the thing that is the bane of my existence and has led to so many regrets and even played in a part in making my life a living hell for well over a decade (procrastination) is also keeping me alive to undergo this misery.
For a moment earlier today I almost felt at peace knowing I was finally about to make plans after almost a year of obsessively wanting to die (coming after well over a decade of casually hoping) - I even wrote a note - but now that I feel wary about it again, I'm back to square one. More suicidal in fact. I wonder if that makes any sense.
I feel like the regrets would potentially be easier to keep at bay if I had something to get excited about, and with that could come new perspective, but whenever I do potentially get excited about something the anxiety comes full swing which exacerbates my ideation again. So I dunno what to do.
I know inpatient is usually for keeping people safe, but does that apply to me if I don't actually have resources to ctb, thus I'm not actually physically unsafe as much as I am just traumatized by living with my mind? I have a psychiatrist (though no therapist atm) so it's not like I need to be stabilized per se - or maybe I do? Again, like I said, I'd rather just be dead, but I keep procrastinating and so I wonder if it's maybe a good idea just to get better. Have the summer to fix my mental health. Try not to worry about the money it'd cost because my parents would most definitely prefer I'm alive.
However I'm at the point where I don't have much capacity to make their feelings a priority anymore even though objectively I know my death would sting to say the least and potentially change their lives forever. If I were in a better headspace I would feel this more viscerally but right now I can't force myself to care.
BTW if anyone has resonated with my comments here and wants to chat you can always send me a DM.
 
dreamscape1111

dreamscape1111

all is well
Feb 1, 2023
303
overwhelmed and sad rn, but mostly because other people are pouring their problems on me
Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do. We get what we tolerate. <3

"No is a complete sentence." – Anne Lamont

"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others." – Brené Brown
 
Ultracheese

Ultracheese

Arcanist
Dec 1, 2022
488
I have to make a decision about where to go to college in three days. It's so overwhelming and stressing me out to the point where I'm just considering not going at all. I've been accepted to my partner's alma mater and would love to go there to be close to him, but it's a very transphobic state, and the weather there is awful (in my opinion). I am thinking about taking a gap year or two. That way I could work on my book(s) and writing for a while and make something I'm proud of before I pursue my education. All the schools I've been accepted to are full of upper-middle-class preppie types. It works for my partner, he is/was an upper-middle-class preppie. But I'm worried being in an environment like that will just remind me how inferior I am to other people, and to him. He has been so supportive and telling me not to worry about being ostracized but I know I will. I'm just thankful I have two associate's degrees already so I don't have to worry too much about core requirements. I want to make everyone in my life proud but I feel I'm incapable of making a basic decision about anything, and it's greatly impacting my health, both physical and mental.
 
charlotte_

charlotte_

-
Mar 12, 2023
436
My favorite person seems doesn't text me with as much energy today. I don't fucking know why I even care, but I do. My day was going well but that single event ruined it. All that's left now is frustration, shame and disappointment. Having bpd is hell
 
charlotte_

charlotte_

-
Mar 12, 2023
436
Hopeless and empty, even though my day wasn't necessarily bad. But I made it bad. Also, my favorite person seems distant. I don't even know if they actually are, but it's been messing w my mind for the whole day
 
Last edited:
Ultracheese

Ultracheese

Arcanist
Dec 1, 2022
488
I decided to go to my boyfriend's alma mater but take a gap year first. I am hoping to get my name legally changed before I go. I'm absolutely terrified but I hope it will go well. We won't be much closer, but 700 miles is better than 2000, and I hope I'll be able to see him more often. It's considered a good school so hopefully, if I decide to live, I'll be able to do well and learn some things. I'm trying not to be overdramatic and paranoid about getting hate crimed.
 
L

leaf23

Specialist
Dec 12, 2020
335
Feeling ostracized and attacked.

Overheard a random stranger joking about someone they know behaving out of the norm and saying that they "belong in a mental hospital".

Intellectually I know they're ignorant people discriminating with tasteless humor. I know their attack is not even directed personally at me but it still hurts because I'm suffering so much and trying so hard just to cope everyday from my mental health problems. Each day is a struggle just not to kms. And they're just using similar issues to laugh and make fun of someone they smile with when they're with them and stab them in the back with unkind words when they're not with them.

I'm jealous they're not suffering from poor mental health. God, I really hope no one ever suffers the level of pain of having poor mental health but there's all these members of this site, which I know is just a proportion of those suffering. I already feel just so stressed and anxious whenever I have to go outside and then there's this conversation that feels so much like validation that I'm not created for this world and don't belong in it. I just feel so unwelcome, disgusting and useless. I feel so sad and anxious.
 

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